"You're pregnant," you stated, your feet seemingly glued to the floor. Stephanie instinctively stroked her stomach and smiled awkwardly. She was pregnant, and quite far gone by the size of her bump, and she hadn't told you. You were the first person I told. Severus's hand on the small of your back spurred you to finally move further into the room and over to your best friend.
She held out her arms as you walked to her. Stephanie had a unique need for touch; not just for herself but it's how she best-comforted others, too. When you left school it was no surprise she became a healer. You'd often fall to sleep in each other's beds at school, which set off numerous rumours about the two of you; all untrue, of course. Stephanie was the closest person you had to a sister; you could never be anything more than platonic.
Embracing her, you felt the unexpected bump press into your stomach; it created an empty feeling in the pit of it that made your heart twinge. She smelt like lavender with a hint of wound cleaning potion.
"What are you doing here?" You whispered as you made an extra effort not to get choked up.
"Well let's just say I had quite the shock when an owl from Professor Snape came to me yesterday," she whispered back in her soothing Yorkshire accent. She stroked your back with calming hands and her curly black hair tickling your face.
Severus watched on, hands wrapped tightly together in front of him, eyes not knowing where to look; he felt slightly awkward being present at such an emotional reunion. When Stephanie wrote back to confirm she'd come to see you, she made no mention of her being pregnant, which now made him anxious. The shock in your voice told him that the revelation knocked you back and he worried this might withdraw you more. As useless as he was with emotional issues, he could understand how this might be difficult; even if you had never confided much in him about the loss of your daughter. What if I've just made everything worse? He asked himself.
"Y/n," Severus pulled your attention from Stephanie.
"I've got to work." He said, wanting to give you some privacy. He was hoping that you could talk to Stephanie about things you might not want to tell him and in turn, Stephanie could advise you better than he could.
You frowned at him, "You worked all day yesterday."
"Not all day," Stephanie chimed in behind you, she smiled her wide, straight toothed grin at you, "He had to find me, remember?"
Severus agreed, then walked over to the pair. It was an odd situation; he knew Stephanie, had taught her, but he felt he should at least make some kind of formal re-introduction. Holding out his hand, Stephanie took it, "Stephanie," he said politely in way of greeting her and then let go, fixing his arms by his sides again.
"Profes…" You shot a look at Stephanie.
"Severus?" She questioned sheepishly.
Laughing at them, you decided to help out with their introductions.
"Godric, you two are so awkward. Stephanie, Severus...Severus, Stephanie," you said looking between the two of them. You could understand why it was awkward, he was once her Professor too and one she had got into trouble with, on a fair few occasions. She only knew the Severus you both knew as students.
"Enjoy your day," Severus said, lightly touching your arm.
"Stephanie, thank you." He directed at her; something unspoken passed between them as Severus' dark eyes met the green hue of hers and it made you wonder why he had sent for her. Not that you weren't grateful, you hadn't seen her in so long, and despite the shock, you were glad she was there.
Walking Severus out, with the shock beginning to disperse, your heart swelled for the man by your side, knowing it wouldn't have been easy to pull this off at such short notice. As you tiptoed to kiss him you could see the slight panic on his face; you planted a kiss on his cheek to save embarrassing him too much and sent him on his way. You closed the door and turned slowly to see Stephanie's eyebrows raised and her arms crossed.
"Don't even bother," you said, knowing she was about to comment on the kiss. You matched her stance, you'd had a few arguments growing up, nothing major, but you were thick-skulled when it came down to confrontations.
"When were you going to tell me?" You asked feeling petty; she didn't have to tell you anything but the silence hurt. She'd obviously been avoiding writing back for weeks because of this.
The sly look she had been giving you fell and she sat back down on the sofa and looked at the fireplace. "I wanted to. I've been wanting to, for weeks, but I was worried about upsetting you."
You knew that would be the answer but it still irritated you.
"I'm not that fragile." You replied, hearing a tinge of bitterness in your own voice. People who treated the situation over sensitively or looked at you pitifully always seemed to make it worse. They didn't mean to, it's just how you responded to that type of reaction. Deep down you knew you hadn't dealt with her death in a healthy manner and that's why it was more difficult.
"No, I know you're not," she turned back to you, "but when I found out I was pregnant, you were planning to come back to teach here and you were happy. Or as happy as I had heard in years. I didn't want to distract you from that."
"I was getting worried about you. We were writing regularly again and then you just stopped, and you didn't write back to arrange our meeting. You know I worry and overthink." You admitted, dropping your arms from their defensive position.
She nodded her head, "I know, I'm sorry."
Pushing yourself off the door, a small sigh working its way out of your mouth, you went and sat with her, hugging her again.
"Congratulations." Even if you were hurting over it, you were still over the moon for her.
"Thank you." She uttered in your ear then pulled away.
"Lepus driving you crazy?" You asked as you tried to not stare down at her rounded stomach. Her husband was a sweet man, soft-spoken, and a self-proclaimed worrier; you just knew he'd be hounding her to eat on time, work less and get enough sleep.
She rolled her eyes, "Urgh, so crazy. He's trying to do everything. I just about persuaded him that I'd be fine to apparate here today."
Nausea hit you like a brick, your eyes widened and you began stumbling over your words, whilst grabbing for her hand, and panic rose. "You ap..apparated here. Y….you shouldn't be doing that. The baby, Steph."
What was she thinking? She could have been hurt, the baby could have been hurt.
She looked at you, confusion creasing her brow, "You know it's okay to apparate, y/n. Pregnant women do all the time, though it did bring back the feeling of morning sickness for a few minutes."
It's true, they did, and when you were pregnant you apparated on numerous occasions, but the thought of it going wrong made you want to reject what little breakfast you had managed that morning. She touched your scarred hand, she'd already taken note of it, "Are you scared now? Because of this?"
She gently ran her fingers over the faded marks, Severus had made you some scar treatment, which had taken some of the angry redness from them. "These don't mean anything, y/n."
You shook your head, the feeling of shame flooding you all over again.
"Don't you shake your head at me," she said sterner, "What's going on?"
That question was all that was needed for the flood gates to open, you sobbed in her arms until your head began to ache. She settled you in the corner of the sofa and retrieved a glass to fill then made you drink it.
"I thought you were happy here?" She asked as she took the empty glass from your hand. "Is it Severus?"
You sniffed harshly and swiped at the stray tears that were still forcing their way out, "I was. Am, am. I think."
Fuck. That wasn't convincing at all.
"It's not Severus, he's turned out to be one of the best things here."
She stared at you, brow furrowed, lips pursed. With your chin in her hand, she moved your face from side to side. You knew what she was doing, she was examining you, she'd already done so with your hand; the healer in her couldn't help it.
"You look worn out. Not just physically...what's going on in here? She asked as she gently stroked her finger on the side of your head.
You pulled away from her, "I'm fine."
She was never going to believe that, she never had in the past but it was your go-to. I'm fine. It'll be fine. I can handle it by myself. Being fine was a necessity. It always had been.
"Don't try to pull that shit with me," she said, which you knew was coming, "Severus is crazy worried about you. He told me about the accident. He said you're not eating. You should talk to him more, he really cares, y/n."
Your heart caught in your throat, he didn't need any more worries on his plate; if you wanted to stick this out with him, you needed to be stronger.
She took your hand again, "This was a freak mishap."
"I don't need a healer, Steph!" You said pulling away again.
"And this," you gestured to your hand, "This is just the tip of the iceberg."
"I'm not here as a healer, I'm here as your friend." She reassured you as she rubbed your forearm in a rhythmic motion that began to calm the anger inside of you.
It took some more coaxing but you finally began opening up to her. For the next couple of hours, you detailed the events that had led to her coming to see you. Stephanie, ever the empath, sailed through the emotions with you. She angered, she cried and the questions poured from her mouth faster than you could process at times. Some you could answer, others you could not; even when you wanted to. By the end of it, you weren't sure if you felt better for it or not. There was a part of you that knew talking about it was healthy but there was the other part, the part that often won over, that told you to bury it down and carry on because what could you do now, anyway? However, you felt very much like the universe was telling you that was no longer an option. In fact, it seemed to be stacking up the problems at an alarming rate since you came back to Hogwarts. She examined your eye, though there was nothing she could do, it was a powerful cloaking spell, one even you didn't know how to reverse. The look of worry didn't leave her face the whole time and it made you feel a burden, you didn't want her worrying over you.
"If I hadn't taken an oath, I'd be stupefying some arses." She said as she came back from her second trip to the bathroom. The baby was apparently playing havoc with her bladder. You laughed, slightly nervously, because even though she had taken oaths, you wouldn't put it past her. She was staunchly loyal and a little rough around the edges. You both were. That's why you had got on so well, so quickly at school.
Like you, though not as Severe, Stephanie had her own parental issues. She was born to two muggle parents, neither were particularly thrilled when their only daughter turned out to be a witch. So much so, that her mother was pregnant by the end of her first year and then thoroughly wrapped up in her son for the rest of her school career. Her brother, Thomas, never joined Hogwarts as he possessed no magical abilities; Stephanie's parents were delighted. As a result of being pushed to the sidelines, Stephanie fully embraced her witch life, and never really looked back on her muggle one.
Your eyes wandered to her bump as she ranted about the damage that could have been caused by so much memory altering. She quickly noticed where you were looking and stopped the healer speak; she silently asked for your hand and you hesitantly gave it to her. Stephanie planted it next to her protruding belly button where a series of uncoordinated flutters tickled your palm.
"Wow," you managed to croak out, your throat suddenly feeling swollen and dry.
"Yeah. She's strong and I've riled her up." Stephanie beamed proudly, "She's definitely going to kick some arses when she grows up."
A girl. Your heart pulled.
"She? You're having a girl? When are you due?" You'd got so wrapped up in yourself that you'd neglected to ask about her and the baby so far.
"Mid April." She replied.
"Hey! All the best people are born in April," you joked and took your hand away, not trusting yourself to hold it together for much longer. Sitting back in the chair, you took her in, glad for the reprieve of talking about the shit-show happening in your life. "You look really good. That whole pregnancy glow is working for you." She did, her skin was clear and had a healthy shine to it, her curly hair looked thick and glossy as the ringlets draped over her shoulders. She'd only put on a small amount of extra weight, which made her look far healthier than she did as a teen. It suited her.
"Thank you. I didn't for a while, the morning sickness was hell."
You smiled meekly, remembering the feeling. You'd take the sickness twice over, you thought. There was a slight pause, you could see something playing on her mind.
She stuttered, "We want you to be the baby's Godmother."
You've definitely lost your mind, Stephanie. Me? Was your first thought. Fear overtook any joy or gratitude you felt for the request. You didn't answer her, how could you be that child's protector when you couldn't protect your own? She must have sensed your hesitation.
"You don't have to give us an answer now and there's no pressure but I trust you more than anyone with her," she reassured as if she could now see into your thoughts. You didn't know what to do, what to say; you completed clammed up.
"You know I could still try, the offer has always been there." She added when you still didn't answer.
Snapping out of your daze, you met her eyes, "Don't, Steph."
"I'm just saying," Your gaze betrayed you and drifted to her bump again. "Have you ever told Severus about her?"
"He knows what happened." You replied bluntly.
"That's not what I asked." She pushed. If nothing else, Steph was persistent when she felt it was needed. "Have you told him about her, about how it made you feel? About how you feel now?"
"What good would that do, Steph? It's not an option for me anymore. I don't like thinking about it." You tried to wave her off as you shuffled uncomfortably on the sofa, your head starting to hurt.
"That's not.."
You interrupted her, "Steph, I mean it."
It was a warning this time, and she clasped her lips together as you began to pick at the skin around your thumb.
"Okay, sorry," she conceded and then stopped your hand from destroying your skin, "Come on, let's go lie down. You look tired and I'm not going to lie, your bed looks really comfortable and I'm knackered."
Stephanie pulled your hand, which told you that she wasn't going to take no for an answer. Sighing you rose from the chair with her and rolled your eyes at how well she could defuse the tension between the two of you; it didn't surprise you though, she'd been doing it for 13 years. You followed behind, quietly thankful for the idea, you hadn't noticed the emotional fatigue seep in until you stood up.
"Not there." You said as she went to take Severus' side of the bed, "Not unless you want to sleep where Severus sleeps."
"Yeah, no thanks," she replied and walked around the bed, "By the way, I am going to grill you on him, too. Seems we have a LOT of catching up to do."
You chuckled, "I'd expect nothing less. Just let me sleep first. As everyone keeps reminding me, I am still recovering; I'm going to milk that for a few hours while I avoid the awkward questions you're itching to ask."
She smirked at you, the exact same one from school when there was either a boy or girl involved, and then yawned. "I expect details."
"Yeah, yeah. Shhh, now." You said as you lay your head on the cushy pillow.
She bedded down into the blankets and shuffled until she was comfortable, "He really loves you, you know?"
With your eyes already closed, you smiled, and a warmth crossed your cheeks. You didn't reply and Stephanie was soon softly snoring beside you. Knowing it was safe, you rested your eyes over her stomach until you felt them become heavy with sleep.
Stephanie's face was leering over you when you woke up, the unexpectedness jolted you and your heart responded with heavy beats.
"What the bloody hell are you doing?" You moaned and pushed her face away.
"Since when do you talk in your sleep?" She asked, her emerald eyes scanning your face.
"How would I know, I'm asleep, remember?" You replied as you rubbed your dry eyes awake.
"What was I saying?" You asked, trying to cover the anxiety in the question. If you'd dreamt of the Pensieve again, she might tell Severus and you didn't need him watching you like a hawk. If you wanted to look, you were going to look.
She tapped your nose annoyingly and you swatted her away. "I don't know, you sounded drunk."
Thank Merlin.
You snorted, "Godric, I wish."
Stretching out your legs and arms, your back made a satisfying popping sound.
"Same." Stephanie sighed and cuddled into your side.
It was slightly odd, being touched so intimately by anyone other than Severus, but it was familiar enough that it didn't phase you. "It was Severus' birthday yesterday; he wouldn't allow me a sip of the nice bottle of red I had because of the cocktail of potions I'm taking."
"Good, you know the side effects." She paused, a mischievous grin lighting up her face, "Speaking of, I believe you said you were going to tell me all about teacher-gate."
You rolled your eyes at her but you couldn't deny that this felt good. Like simpler times. Holed up in the Ravenclaw dorms just talking about anything and everything. And you'd talk about anything if it meant not going back to the earlier conversation. "Firstly, I did not say I was going to tell you all of it, and secondly, don't call it that. It makes it sounds like a scandal."
She squinted and brought her thumb to her index finger.
"A little," she said, gesturing to her fingers, "Little scandalous. And honestly, majorly shocking. It's Snape! Professor Snape. I think today is the first time I've seen him smile and you kissed him!"
She squealed and pushed her face into the pillow.
"You are such a child." You tutted and pushed the navy duvet off you; Stephanie's furnace-like body next to yours overheating you.
"Oh Godric, get off my bladder, child!" Stephanie suddenly groaned at her stomach. She got out of the bed and stretched, her purple jumper lifting slightly over the bump. "I'm really hungry as well. Hint, hint."
Sighing, you shooed her away, walked into the living room, and sent for Minsy. You looked over to the fire, where you had eaten, talked, and eventually fallen to sleep with Severus. You had no recollection of getting to his bed and he must have tidied up for you as the all blankets and pillows were back in their usual spots. Probably in preparation for today; ever the planner he was.
Minsy popped up in the living then, a tray ready with lunch on.
"What's this Minsy?" You asked, not expecting her to actually arrive with the lunch already made.
"Lunch. Professor Snape told Minsy to bring it at 2. It is 2, Miss." She looked up and smiled at you and you returned it.
"Thank you, Minsy." You went to turn to get her some chocolate as you often did, but she stopped you.
"Miss is welcome. Professor Snape has already provided Minsy with a chocolate frog." She raised the tray and you took it from her frail-looking hands, "See you tomorrow, Miss."
"Bye Minsy. Thank you again." You weren't keen on the use of house-elves, though they were safer here at Hogwarts than in the Pureblood families that often owned them. Severus had at least taken a leaf from your book; you smiled at the thought of him handing her a chocolate frog, probably all stiff and awkward.
"Is that lunch already? I was hoping we could go back to bed." Stephanie asked as she left your bedroom; you turned your attention to her, seeing her struggling to do up the button on her trousers.
You laughed, "Yes it is. Good thing Minsy already left, think she'd have a heart attack if she saw you leaving my bedroom like that."
"What do you mean?" She asked, sighing as she finally felt comfortable in her clothes.
"Minsy is the house-elf assigned to help me while I'm on sick leave. She may have caught me straddling Severus last night, then you're coming out of the bedroom doing your trousers back up and asking if we were going back to bed. Looks suspicious, don't you think?" You asked, red-cheeked.
"Ew. Poor Minsy," she scoffed as she took the tray from your hands and placed it on the rug in front of the fire. She began picking at the chicken on the plate before you'd even sat down.
"Shut up. As if that's all you took from that. We weren't doing anything particularly inappropriate but it was embarrassing all the same." You admitted.
"Mhmm," Stephanie murmured unconvinced as she sipped at the cup of pumpkin juice and eyed you.
"So, did you always like him? She asked licking her top lip.
You shook your head in response, "Only when I came back did I see him for more...and that would have been incredibly weird. He also made it abundantly clear that he had no interest in me when I was at school before you ask."
She laughed, "Are you in my head?"
You grimaced dramatically, "Not sure I'd cope in there."
She swatted your arm, laughing, "It wouldn't have been that weird," she shrugged and popped a cherry tomato into her mouth, chewing it before she continued.
"You were too busy chasing skirt back at school anyway. I won't lie and say I didn't sometimes enjoy our detentions together. I wouldn't have kicked him out of bed." She said without shame and you couldn't help but snort into your own cup of juice.
"You're unbelievable."
That was the type of relationship you had with Stephanie; a lot of joking and teasing but under the surface, you possessed the deepest care for each other. She asked you questions as she ate, you tried, but the food didn't seem overly appetising. You answered as best you could, having to be careful at times not to reveal things you couldn't. It bothered you, having to slightly bend the truth to her, and you were worried she'd be able to tell. If she did, she didn't pull you up on it. If she found out about Severus' links to the Dark Lord or that you were now privy to secrets that needed to be protected, she'd be pulling you home with her and you couldn't have that.
"You love him too, don't you? I can hear it every time you say his name." She pointed out. "It's...it's good to hear. With everything that has been happening, I'm glad you have someone there for you, someone making you happy. You, of all people, don't deserve to be on your own."
Thinking about him made you grin, "I do...love him that is." You put down your spoon, giving up on the dessert you couldn't finish either. She noticed and went to speak but you cut her off.
"Please don't get on at me about it, Steph, I'm trying. I really am." She'd seen you do this in the hospital, during your rehabilitation, and she had made it a point to make sure you were eating to keep up with the grueling routine of strengthening your leg. Severus had been looking at you like that all week, every time you pushed a plate of food away, he'd frown and look between you and the food. Once you were back into a routine, and out of your own head all day, you'd be fine. At least that's what you told yourself.
She nodded her head and left it at that. "You don't have to pretend like everything is okay, you know that, don't you? You're allowed to be scared and vulnerable. I would be; if Albus had laid all that on me."
You nodded your head lethargically but didn't answer and then, eventually, you managed to pull her attention off you again and get her talking about work and the baby until Severus' familiar knock wrapped at the door. Stephanie looked at her watch, "5 pm, that's my cue to go." She said sadly and grabbed you.
"I love you, you big nerd. I love you for you, this person and so does Professor Broody, don't forget that."
You chuckled back the tears, you didn't want her to leave, "I love you, too. Even if you are still a complete arse to me."
She pulled back, "You'd be worried if I was too nice to you."
She kissed your cheek and picked up her shoes and coat.
You walked her to do the door, behind it, Severus patiently waited to escort her back to Albus' office. She hugged you again and said her goodbyes and let Severus lead the way, you watched them disappear down the hallway; Severus listening as Stephanie chewed his ear off. You worried about what she was relaying to him.
When you closed the door, you headed for your bedroom and ventured into something you hadn't for a long time. Pulling a small chest out from underneath your bed, you blew away the fine layer of dust that had gathered on it. It had sat under there since you arrived at Hogwarts, not unthought of, but untouched. Then you sat there, resting against your bed with your hand draped over the chest, finding yourself, as you so often did; sobbing and unable to open it.
In a trance-like state, you didn't realise Severus had come back from escorting Stephanie to Dumbledore until he sat down next to you. His larger, warmer arm pressed against yours; it physically roused you from your daze but not quite mentally. The chest that your hand rested upon was new to him, though it looked old; an anxious curiosity rose up Severus as his eyes took the situation in. Something felt off but he didn't know what to say, it was clear you had been crying. All he could think was that he had brought your mood down more than it already was.
When he saw your head move towards him, he reacted instantly but slowly, he didn't want to be a startling presence to you. Your voice immediately cracked.
"Can I show you this?" You asked as your fingertips slowly kneaded into the aging brown leather of the chest.
Severus nodded his head in response and spoke as softly as he knew how. "Of course."
He didn't ask you what it was, instead let you lead what was happening.
"It'll open in a second," you assured as you sat up straighter, closed your eyes, and evened out your breathing. A deep breath in through your nose and then out through your mouth, after 3 cycles through that, you reopened your eyes and set your gaze back on the chest. Watching the process, Severus felt confused but intrigued.
You looked to him then, "It's charmed so that I have to be calm to open it. In a rage, I once nearly destroyed something from it. It's all now protected, if I begin to lose control then it shuts itself away."
"That's very clever," Severus mused as he looked on in adoration. You didn't often brag about your powers, sometimes even downplaying them but he knew you really were quite spectacular.
The catch on the chest sprung open and then the lid lifted slowly, Severus was both eager and apprehensive to see what lay waiting. He didn't push forward or rush you, just sat with you and waited patiently. He was the very stillness you needed in your life.
When you picked it up, you inhaled sharply, no matter how many times you opened it, it was always going to be labour on your heart. Severus realised what it was as his eyes delved in further and he tensed up.
"Severus," you looked at him, eyes on the brink of tears, "These are the few things that I have left of my daughter."
You situated the box over one leg, the other half over Severus'. He hesitated to rest his hand on the side of it; you were grateful he was being so delicate about it all so far. "You can touch it. It's almost indestructible."
"It, it feels very personal," he countered, still unsure. You took his wrist and then gently placed his palm down on the box. He glanced inside it again, "You don't talk about her very much."
Fingers tracing the outline of the chest, but never dipping in, you looked into the familiar box of small trinkets you had. A deep breath left your chest, trying to come up with the right words. Some people may see you as callous but you mourned in your own way, as you had with everyone you lost. "She's the most difficult person to talk about. Not my Mother, not my Grandmother or David or George...it's always her. I never got to have her, Severus. I felt her in my stomach but I never got to hold her or kiss her or dress her. Not any of the stuff I was meant to do."
Severus' heart clenched; the sorrow in your voice was almost too much for him to bear. With all the care you had in your heart, Severus knew you'd have been a wonderful Mother and it angered him that you would never have the opportunity. Maneuvering carefully, he put his arm around your shoulders and pulled you closer to him, your head instinctively rested into his chest.
The feeling of Severus' heart beating near your ear helped keep you calm as you reached into the chest. Pulling out a small envelope, you opened it with a refined delicacy and took out the two small ultrasound pictures.
"This was her at 12 weeks and 4 days." You directed at the picture, "They make you drink so much water before they do it and then shove a machine into your stomach. It's cruel."
You chuckled while Severus listened on then you swapped the photos in your hand, "And this one, she was 20 weeks and 2 days. That's when we found out she was a girl. I was terrified."
You stroked your index finger over the photo, your heart racing in your chest while you tried to remain as calm as you could.
"Why terrified? Severus asked as he rubbed your arm soothingly. He knew he had to help keep your emotions at bay and he knew you always responded to physical comfort the most. Placing a kiss on the top of your head, he let his lips linger there until you answered him.
Severus' comforting touch pulled you out of your head enough to continue talking, "I didn't plan for a baby. I wasn't sure if I could do it, if I could actually raise a child. My own childhood was rough and as much as I knew it wouldn't happen, I was terrified of her being raised like I was. it was completely irrational."
He pressed kisses softly into the side of your head as you spoke, then mumbled against your skin, "It's completely understandable, Y/n."
"There's another photo in here, but I'm not sure if you'll want to see it." You said; a sick feeling in your stomach.
"I want to see," he reassured immediately, "But only if you want to show it to me."
Less careful than you were with the ultrasound photos, you took out the last one. You almost didn't recognise the woman in the photo but there you stood, in a light summer dress that the roundness of your stomach could be seen through, barefoot, under a fully bloomed tree in Richmond Park. It was a ridiculously hot day and you had hidden under that tree for most of it, whilst you picnicked with some of David's work colleagues.
Severus was near speechless as he took the photo from your hand, he'd never particularly paid any attention to pregnant women, he'd had no reason to. Except for Lily. Though he had found it more sickening to see her pregnant, knowing she was carrying James' baby. This was different.
"You look beautiful," he said, "Natural. I think you would have been an excellent Mother."
You were stroking the fabric of a baby vest in your hand as you listened, Severus' words had tipped your ready tears over the brink.
"Two become three," you quoted from the vest, 3 owls congregated close together, depicting a new family. You couldn't help but scoff, "Then I became one."
Severus' hand clasped over yours, "Do you need to stop?"
You probably should, you thought, but you shook your head in denial anyway. "Within a month of that picture being taken, she was gone."
"I'm sorry," He whispered as he brought your hand to his lips. He kissed it over and over then pulled you even closer to him.
"I let her down, Sev. I let the memory of her fade into nothingness because I was too scared to deal with the pain and this," you gestured to the chest frustratedly, "This pathetic shrine that I keep hidden under my bed is all that's left."
"You didn't let her down at all. What happened was not your fault, you had no control over it." He pulled your gaze to him, "Do you understand that?" The tears were streaming down your face faster and thicker now, your cheeks reddened and you obsessively bit at the skin on your bottom lip. He brushed them as quickly as they came.
"I'd forgotten how empty the feeling was, without her, until today when I felt Steph's bump on my stomach," you said between deep sobbing breaths.
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea. She didn't tell me." Severus apologised, though you didn't feel he needed to, it wasn't his fault, he wasn't to know.
"I know she didn't. She purposefully didn't so you wouldn't change your mind. I don't blame you." You wiped your eyes, "I'm really grateful that you thought to do that. It was very sweet, thank you." You kissed him gently, your lips tasted salty on his but he didn't care. Then you looked back to the chest; at the small mitts that would have stopped her scratching what would have been her delicate skin. The pastel pink hat and booties that David's mother had knitted. The guilt of taking her away from all of them began to eat at you, as it did every time.
"David never outwardly blamed me, never voiced it," you spoke, not looking at Severus, "but, my head was such a blur after it happened, that I couldn't stop myself. I used Leglimency on him, and my fears were answered. There was a part of him that blamed me, that blamed the magic inside of me, for the first time he resented what I was."
"It wasn't your fault," he repeated as he kissed your head more.
The last thing you wanted to show him was at the bottom of the chest; afterward, you knew you'd have to close it before it locked you out. You picked through it carefully, knowing precisely where everything was because everything had its specified place.
Severus watched as you picked out a thick piece of card, two tiny footprints printed into it. He immediately felt sick. They were so small, just half the size of his finger. How delicate and fragile, he thought.
"I never saw her. I wasn't conscious when they delivered her," you had to stop and breathe; Severus held you tighter, noticing your struggle.
"You don't have to continue," he soothed as he pressed another kiss into the side of your forehead.
Breathing deeply again, taking in Severus' earthy, leather scent, you shook your head softly and braced yourself to continue. "They made the prints of her feet but the hospital staff at St Mungo's...they couldn't heal her as they could me. She was already dead. It was advised that I didn't see her, for my own mental state and I was so exhausted and empty that I agreed. I just balled up and cried for days. Being a muggle, David wasn't allowed into the hospital…I should have died with her."
Severus stiffened up, he knew the feeling but hearing it come out of your mouth made his whole body feel cold.
"Don't say that," he said fervently, "Don't you ever say that. Neither of you should have. What...what did he do? To cause that sort of damage?"
He immediately kicked himself for the crass question.
"I fought him well, I didn't want to kill him though, not at that point, so I was being careful. I just wanted to stun him or hurt him enough to get him back to Azkaban where he belonged but he had other intentions," you clicked your tongue and your hands nervously tapped where they rested on the side of the chest, in reality, you never wanted to utter the words again. "Sectumsempra."
Severus felt like his chest was full of stones, the weight crushing his lungs so he couldn't breathe. He didn't want to believe it, not that, anything but that, he thought.
"I should have killed the bastard when I had the chance," you spat, but Severus barely heard the words. Your voice sounding like it was underwater as guilt riddled his mind.
The photos began to levitate and slipped back into the envelope, you scrambled for them even though you knew it was no use.
"Wait, no, I'm not, I'm not out of control," you cried as the chest closed and locked you out. On your knees in front of it now, you crashed your hand down on it. "That's not how this is supposed to work!"
Without a word, Severus jumped up and rushed to your bathroom. He locked the door behind him and then braced himself over the sink, trying desperately to calm the panic in his chest. He had created Sectumsempra, in this very school. He threw cold water over his face to try and snap himself out of whatever episode his body was going through, but it didn't stop the ache in his chest or the shake in his hands. If she finds out, she'll hate you.
"Severus," your voice sounded worried from the other side of the door. "Severus, are you okay? I'm sorry...I shouldn't have shown you all that stuff. I'm sorry."
He looked at himself in the mirror and could only feel disgusted at the reflection that looked back at him.
"Severus..."
The door opened and he grabbed you harshly, pushing you against his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around you.
"Don't, don't say you're sorry, it's not your fault. I Promise." He said as he kissed your head. "You didn't and she didn't deserve any of that. I am so sorry, my darling," his voice cracked as he apologised.
"It's not your fault, my love," you replied sweetly which made him feel even more despicable. You didn't push him on why he had left for the bathroom, surmising it was due to seeing the footprints. They were utterly jarring; they broke your heart every time you saw them, but you thought that was due to them being your daughter's. The fact that the chest closed over his emotions told you it had struck him so much harder than you could have imagined.
After dinner, which neither of you stomached much of you, you moved back to Severus' quarters. He had made some space for your things, saying he'd rather them be away than sitting messily on a chair all week again but you knew that was to put you off his embarrassment. You soothed his worries, telling him you were happy to have a store of things in his room and he was welcome to do the same.
In the dark of his bedroom, you reassured him that he made the right decision over Steph; he had continued to be withdrawn throughout the night and he wouldn't allow you to comfort him. Taking your hand away from scratching his scalp and holding it over his chest before you fell into a light sleep.
Severus remained much the same for the next few days. Distant and distracted. He would leave early, still tired from his nightmare fuelled sleep, and return home late, armfuls of work so he could avoid anything that wasn't giving you your potions or dinner. He knew it was wrong but every time he looked at you he saw you hurt; it made his body turn cold and the urge to tell you about Sectumsempra would rage inside of him because he now felt like all your pain was his doing. He barely looked at you and touching was all but gone, except a few obligatory kisses or if you woke in the night, he would be holding you.
By Thursday Severus' mood had pushed your decline even further. Like he had all week, he left without waking you. When you woke and found him gone again, you were disappointed but not at all surprised. You were more concerned with what you were still keeping from him. For the second day in a row your eye had flickered; yesterday only briefly but that morning it had taken 45 minutes to return back to its familiar colour. You panicked for a good while, even contemplated visiting Albus, but quickly changed your mind on that idea. Instead, you trawled Severus' books and found what you could on cloaking spells; you also found yourself drawn to the books he owned on the Dark Arts.
He was in a particularly sour mood when he came home after 9 pm. He had been brewing, you could tell by the way his hair limply fell at the sides of his face. Placing your potions on the table in front of the armchair, he kissed your head briefly and took himself off for a shower but not before dropping a huge pile of parchments on his desk. More marking. How much work have you been setting?
When Severus returned from showering, you were sat at his desk, your head resting in one hand as you marked with the other. Like he needed to feel any more guilt; now you were marking his work for him, too. He walked across the room and placed a hand on your shoulder then kneaded his thumb into it. Your head fell forward and you hummed, "That's nice."
A small smile worked along his face, he loved that his touch could alleviate some of the stress. He knew he'd been neglectful all week but every time he looked at you, he saw your more fragile state, which filled him with guilt. If he hadn't gone home, you wouldn't have been hurt and if he hadn't have created Sectumsempra, your daughter might still be alive.
"You shouldn't be doing my work for me, y/n." He said as he continued massaging your extremely tense shoulders.
"Technically I'm not. This is my class, which by the way, you're pushing too hard." You replied, then turned in his chair. Severus was in his pyjamas already, his hair damp and his skin more pink than usual. He'd been taking longer showers all week. He's avoiding you.
"They're fine," he retorted. You pulled his hand to you and started playing with his knuckles.
"Minerva said she saw you today." You closed your eyes, and sat back, not letting go of Severus' slightly pruned fingers; he really had been in the shower a long time.
Minerva had come to see you at lunchtime, to keep you company, but the tiptoeing around you only made you feel more anxious. Uncharacteristically, you snapped at her and told her to stop making it more awkward than it needed to be. You apologised; she hugged you and told you not to worry about it but you were worried, how could you not be? Anger and irrational behaviour only ever ended in you or someone else getting hurt. You didn't want to hurt anyone.
"I didn't mean to be snap at her," you sighed, "I just lost my temper. I hate feeling like this, Severus; weak and useless and people walking on eggshells around me just pisses me off. It all reminds me too much of what happened before...when I'm weak I lose things."
You rubbed at his knuckles rougher by accident and he put his other hand over yours to still it, "I'm weak again and I feel like I'm losing you. You're avoiding me. Last night, when I got undressed you turned away, Severus. What is it? Am I repulsive to you now?"
Without much thought you stood and stripped yourself of the knitted jumper you wore. The cold air hit your skin, but you didn't pay much attention to how it lay goosebumps along it; you wanted him to look at you the way you were used to him looking at you. Shivering as you looked down at your scars, then back to Severus, you asked again. "So, am I repulsive now?"
Severus stepped back, surprised but he stared past you to the fire, his hands clenched at his sides. "You're not repulsive, I don't know how you can even think that."
You shrugged and scoffed; you wanted to hold your arms over your bare chest but you stopped yourself; this was you. "Maybe because even now you won't look at me."
Severus realised the toll that his selfishness had taken on you. He pulled himself back to you then and brushed your chin with his index finger, so you would raise your now fallen head.
"You are not losing me." He said with a soft but firm tone. Far from it, he thought, he was trying his best to hold on; he knew if he told you about Sectumsempra, you'd never look at him the same. In his last selfish act, he pushed it to the far corners of his mind and decided it was best left there.
"I love you, y/n. It torments me to watch you not eat or sleep; you've got 4 or 5 books scattered around, none that you can keep your attention on." He paused and looked at your semi-naked form, he had been guarding his eyes all week, too guilt-ridden to look.
"And I want you, I do, but…" he swallowed, trying to find the right words, "I can't get the image of you hurt out of mind, of your body cold and broken."
His other hand moved over your stomach, the faint familiar tingle shivered over you as he rested his hand there. "Your body has been through so much trauma and it's my fault."
You put your hand over his, "It has but it's survived. It's not your fault, Severus, you can't blame yourself for my actions."
Raising your hand to his warm cheek. Looking at the face you so loved.
"Don't see me as the broken woman, see me as I stand here, a little beat up still, a little scarred….scared" Your voice cracked at the word, but you squeezed his hand and he stroked his thumb along your cheek, "but stubborn as ever. I know I've been shutting you out and I don't want to do that." A step closed the gap and your bare chest rubbed against his dressing gown, it was soft and warm, which reminded your body that you were standing half-naked in a cold dungeon.
Severus saw the chill that ran through your body and wrapped his arms around you to warm you. You tiptoed and pushed your face into his neck and started kissing the freshly washed skin beneath your lips; he tensed but sighed as you continued your slow devotion.
"Madam Pomfrey is going to give me the okay to go back tomorrow," you whispered into his ear, licking his lobe with the tip of your tongue, "You won't hurt me…and if you do, it's only the good kind."
He groaned in response and then pushed you back onto his desk, sucking at any part of your neck he could get his mouth on. Pulling back, he rested his hand at the back of your neck, his dilated pupils searching for any sign of hesitance in yours, when he found none, he slowly kissed you, your breath hitching at the same time, as you melted into each other's touch. His hands were on your cool skin in seconds, he couldn't help but notice the thinning of your waist and the way your bones were now more prominent. They faltered but you felt what he was doing and pulled him into you closer, your legs opening so he could fit perfectly between them.
Biting his bottom lip, you slipped your hands down from his head to his trousers, but he grabbed your wrists to stop you.
"Not here," he mumbled into your mouth and pulled you into his arms, your legs clamped around his waist as he walked you into his bedroom. Pushing his hair back, you kissed him deeply as you neared his bed. He lowered you gently onto his soft black sheets, then stood back up.
"Stay," he warned you as he began to undress. The command in his voice riled you but you did as you were told; leaning on your elbows you watched as he shed his robe and pyjama shirt. His arousal forcing the thin material of the bottoms to stretch; he told you to stay not that you couldn't move, you told yourself, as you lifted your foot and began rubbing it along the struggling material. His eyes darkened and as he threw his top down on the floor, he grabbed your ankle then lifted it until your foot rested against his now bare chest. He ran his other hand down your inner thigh and he looked devilishly delighted when you shuddered.
"You're so beautiful," he breathed out as his eyes grazed against the plains of your body.
"So defiant, too," he added darkly as he bit down on your ankle. You gritted your teeth but the moan still escaped and he chuckled against your skin, before kissing the slight red mark he had left.
Leaning down, he hooked his fingers into the front of your trousers and pulled them down over your legs, and then discarded them with his own clothes. Your breathing was shallow as you watched him, desperate to be touched properly; foreplay was fun but sometimes it was torture.
"And the underwear, Severus, I'm not in the mood for teasing." You told him and he did as you asked; he removed your underwear much the same as he did your trousers. As he did so, a smirk plastered his face; when you were excited, you were impatient and he reveled in how he could break your composure. He slid the rest of his clothes off and carefully set himself down on top of your body; anxious that his weight might hurt you. Severus stayed like that for a moment, enjoying the feel of your body against his and stilling the worry inside of him, until you leaned up and captured his lips. The worry dissolved into the softness of your mouth and the sound of your sweet pleasure as you moaned against him.
Edging your hips upwards to meet Severus', he breathed heavily into your mouth, then pulled back slightly to align himself with your entrance. His gentleness made your heart lurch but your body was screaming for the attention it so desperately wanted; you quelled your body's demands and let him treat you delicately. If it's what he needed to feel safe in this moment, then that's how it would be.
He teased inside gently, then pulled out, your nails dug into his shoulder with frustration but you bit your tongue. Teasing over your clit with the head of his erection, Severus hit nerves that were already overstimulated and ready to falter. You closed your eyes, pushed yourself into him further, and allowed the small whimpers to leave your body; knowing it drove him mad to hear them.
"Y/n," he moaned and then pushed inside of you, harsher than you were expecting but not at all unpleasant. Quite the opposite.
"Fuck," you gasped and he thrust again as he reclaimed your lips. His tongue seeking yours immediately, groaning when you reciprocated as fervently. Pulling your legs up around his waist, you both moaned at the change in angle and the depth that he was hitting with each thrust.
Severus was losing himself far too quickly; he clenched his jaw to bite back some of the lost control and your hips rocked upwards to his. "There, just there," you directed wantonly into his ear and he thought his body would give in at the mere sound of your aroused state.
With each meeting of your hips, Severus hit the spot that made your toes curl and your eyes clench shut. The way you moved your bodies together, made his pubic bone hit your clit and you knew you wouldn't be able to hold on much longer even though you didn't want to stop; you'd missed the physical connection that sex brought you. But your orgasm hit you faster than you expected; you clamped your legs around him tightly and dug your fingertips into his clenched back.
As you spasmed and tightened around Severus, head pushed back and adoration of his name on your lips, he let himself go and buried himself as deep as he could inside you. Your moans grew louder as he pushed into senses you didn't know existed and he gripped the sheets next to your head, to stop himself from grasping your body too harshly. Rocking his hips slowly as he came down from his heady fever, he listened to the sweet little moans that you were bestowing upon him. Testing the waters, he pushed fully inside of you again and watched as your brow scrunched tightly and your mouth fell open a touch. Parting your lips further with the pad of his thumb drew your eyes open and to his, they were blown and possessive as he rocked into you again; you couldn't stop your eyes from shutting as you moaned. "Open," he commanded as he pressed his thumb against your tongue. You did as you were bid.
"Shall I continue?" He asked as he thrust harder and your eyes fluttered to a close again.
"No, no. I said eyes open," he admonished as he pushed you closer to another orgasm. It took you a second to engage with the words falling from his delicious mouth.
"Answer my question or I stop." He said firmly and you scrambled to talk.
"Don't...don't stop. I'm so close," you almost whined as you pushed your fingers into the back of his head and flicked your tongue at his top lip. He rewarded you with a roll of hips, followed by another and another until he was panting fiercely against your lips. Making sure you kept your eyes locked with his, he felt the telltale tightening of your walls; his heart pounded as he watched your throat quiver with sounds of ecstasy and your eyes glaze over.
You tensed and shivered against his body, whimpering "Severus," as you came again.
He kissed you, lapped up your moans, and praised you. Which, up until that moment, you didn't realise you had a penchant for; but the way your stomach clenched when he called you a good girl, told you differently. Pulling out slowly, you mewled, embarrassingly, at the loss of contact. The labours of his work dripped down your inner thigh and you squirmed at the feeling. He laughed and picked up his wand from the floor and cleaned up the mess you had both created.
Shakily, you pushed up onto your pillow and Severus lay against your chest, head thoroughly pressed into your breasts, and fell to sleep within minutes. Just like you, he had not been sleeping well and as you lay there, you wondered what dreams were haunting him now.