Erin took another look at the calendar on the wall. It was officially May, and she had been John's prisoner for a year now. The time had passed much more quickly than she had thought it would, and yet it seemed like she had been kept in her basement cage for an eternity. The one thing that she found herself looking forward to was her jaunts outside, since John had started to become a little more lax on his safety protocols. Instead of cuffing her before letting her out of her room, he was now opening the door and cuffing her wrist to his the moment he could touch her. There was something comforting about that development, as she knew that this was all leading up to the point where his defenses would be so lowered that she could take him and push him into the room, locking him away while she went about finding her freedom.

That was still probably a few weeks away yet, but the tantalizing idea of her freedom was starting to become clearer in her mind. Which meant that she was that much closer to her children, and to Lexie. And to David and Penelope, but they were slowly becoming an afterthought in her mind, since she knew that things couldn't return to the way that they had been, and she was slowly growing accustomed to that idea. After the possessive way that John was starting to treat her, she was also glad that she wouldn't be returning to a relationship, as she was growing more and more comfortable with the idea of being able to be on her own.

Looking at the picture of Alex and Tabitha that she had set up on her table, Erin keyed in the address of the forum and scrolled down to find the newest messages. After reading updates from her children, she found a message that she didn't want to read, ever. There was a horrible case in Texas, Erin. Reid was shot, and I called him Ethan by mistake, and he almost died because I let myself become distracted. I was thinking of you, and how I could help you escape, and I nearly was shot myself, but Reid pushed me out of the way and took the bullet to his neck instead. It should have been me, but for the grace of the God that you believe in. But I came to understand, as I watched over Reid, as I was nearly killed again by corrupt cops, that I can no longer do this job. It nearly killed you, it nearly killed me. I need to devote my time entirely to finding you, and starting over in a purely academic world. I thought that being back with the BAU was everything I ever wanted, but it turned into my worst nightmare. When I first joined, it was to prove to you how much better I was at profiling than you. But you showed me over the months that you had changed so much, and I was still stuck in the past, holding on to a bitterness that was only going to destroy me. So I softened to you, but not soon enough, not in time to protect you from John, and now he has you and I am desperately trying to find you once more. I, I'm going to be out of contact for three weeks as I try to regroup and find my footing once more, but please be assured that I will not be giving up my time with your children, nor will I stop looking for you. I just need to disconnect, painful as that will be for me. I love you, Erin, and I will find you, no matter how long that might take.

There was no sign off to the letter, but still, Erin felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest as she reread what Alex had written. Three weeks without seeing her words was going to drive her to insanity, even though she would have access to her children and their words. She was getting used to being alone, but had grown accustomed to being able to reach out to Alex, even though she knew that her babies were reading every word written. That didn't really matter all that much, since she felt it helped them understand who their mother was, and what a beautiful friendship she had once had with the woman. Blinking back tears, she replied to the post there, knowing that she had to tell Alex that that was all right, that she understood the need to disconnect in order to regain her bearings, so that Alex wouldn't feel guilty about doing so.

I completely understand the need to take some time to reevaluate what's happening. It's a lot. But I am so glad that you're going to be with my children. They need to hear stories from the time we were in the Academy together. But perhaps only the good stories, none of the questionable ones. Okay? And if Tabitha manages to get you up on a horse again, I want to see pictures of that when we're together once more. I can almost see you in a similar riding costume to Tabitha's, looking regal and elegant. And there I go, rambling again, when all I wanted to do was reassure you that everything will be fine. I spent so many months at the mercy of John without any hope that I could contact my children or my friends ever again. So this has been lovely, and I know that we will pick it back up again, either in person, or over this platform, though I truly hope that it is in person. I love you, too, Lexie, and I await the day I see my friend again.

Knowing that she couldn't write to her children that afternoon, too, she took her usual precautionary steps before playing some music while she went to the bed and began to read her current book. It was hard to get back into the rhythm of reading, since she was grieving for something that she had all too quickly become dependent upon. Still, she tried to soldier on, as she didn't want John to start asking too many questions about why she was so down. Finally, she had to give that up, though, and she set the book aside before getting to her feet once more and beginning to pace back and forth, feeling a bit like a trapped animal. Which she was, in all actuality, since she was kept her by John with limited contact with anyone, including himself. Even if he had started to talk to her more and more. Erin had started to humor him, knowing that any conversation was better than no conversation, even if it was with her enemy.

Finally, feeling like she had worked out a bit of her angst, Erin took a seat at her table once more, opening her notebook to the first blank page and starting a letter to Karen, wanting to ask her about the girlfriend she had fleetingly mentioned in one of her quick notes to Erin on the forum. She wanted her eldest daughter to know that she loved her no matter who she loved, thinking about how much things had changed since she had been in high school, and feeling things for her best friend. Those things hadn't been talked about in the social circles she ran in, and so she had been glad when a boy had taken interest in her, and she had actually felt the same way about him as she had about Patricia. It had made her feel more normal, at a time when that had been all that she had craved. But now, when she was comfortable in her skin, a part of her wondered if it was time to be absolutely true to herself, as soon as she was free from John's clutches. It was something that she would have to explore, and she couldn't wait until she was free to do so.