Chapter Thirty-Three: The Change

"Yukina," crooned Kuwabara as he parked the car and turned to look at his wife. "I know you insist and everything but -" Kuwabara covered her hands with one palm, " - I don't think she hates you, I really don't, Karen's just not the type."

Yukina stared up at him earnestly, "I know she doesn't hate me."

"Then why today," Kuwabara frowned, his small eyes darting to the side. "Urameshi says she hasn't been too well since the...since the incident a few weeks ago and maybe we shouldn't be here today," he hurried on as Yukina's perfect eyebrows furrowed, "I just feel like, after all she's been through, that you shouldn't bother her with this because she's already handling so much."

"She's brave," Yukina bit her tongue as the words came out a little harsher than she intended. "She's very brave," she tried again, this time softer, "brave enough to handle anything, even what happened a few weeks ago. Don't make her sound like she can't manage any affair."

Kuwabara seemed confused as he released his wife's hands. "I wasn't saying she isn't brave - I mean, she is -"

"The way you and Yusuke talk...like when we invited them over for dinner the other night, Yusuke kept mentioning needing added guards for when she comes back, because she's the weakest one." Yukina grew somewhat irritated as she remembered their night with the Urameshis. "She was sitting right there." She turned in her seat to glare up at her husband the way a wife a does whenever she wants to put her husband on the spot, "how do you think she felt? Did you guys ever ask her about how she felt about extra guards?"

"Urameshi," began Kuwabara hesitantly as he searched for the right words, "he - he's just worried. You know how he is, Kina, and well added guards wouldn't be so bad. She just can't protect herself as well as the other priestesses and besides, Hiei wants them too, for when he's not around."

Overwhelming sadness and guilt filled her as Kuwabara mentioned Hiei not being around. Hiei wasn't around because of her and all because she claimed her mate with a bite mark, sealing her fate with that of a human. Maybe she should have waited, or maybe she should not have done such a thing, but she loved Kazuma, cherished him above anyone else. Now, her brother was gone. She could take his absence, it would hurt, but she could take it, but Karen, Karen didn't deserve to be without her brother, because of what she had done to push him away. And for that reason, was why she felt so guilty for what she had done to Karen.

Kuwabara slipped a finger beneath her chin and turned her to face him. Yukina stared up into his gentle face, finding comfort in the small smile he was giving her.

"He'll be back," Kuwabara assured as he did every night since the argument with her brother. "He will." He had even chanted the same phrases after Hiei had left him with the black eye and bruises.

Seeing the honest goodness shining within her husband's eyes, Yukina couldn't help herself as she reached up to cup his face, bringing him closer to kiss him softly. She was lucky, extremely so, to have Kazuma Kuwabara as a husband and a mate.

Leaving the car, it was rather easy, despite the overwhelming crowd, to make their way through the busy outside holding area of the train station. Kuwabara's large frame shielded Yukina from the crowd, keeping her safe from pointy elbows and the eager shoes awaiting to crush her feet. Up ahead, Yukina saw Yusuke, his arm around Keiko's waist while he talked with a tall, very tall, russet skinned man. Nearby, Karen was leaning against guard rails and looking down at the train tracks.

Hardly taking her eyes off of Karen, Yukina exchanged a few words with Yusuke and Keiko before excusing herself to see Karen. As she approached Karen, Yukina took note of the heavy sadness hovering around Karen and the guilt clawed at Yukina.

Karen seemed pensive, appearing not to notice the voices buzzing around her or the whistles of approaching trains. She was somewhere else, lost in thought, mayhap a dark one, and she was suffering. Tear stricken, Keiko explained to Yukina that it had happened ever since the temple incident and Karen wasn't the same anymore. Yukina felt even guiltier, knowing she had added more to Karen's suffering by driving the young woman's mate away.

"Hello, Karen," greeted Yukina as she came to stand beside the young woman.

Karen looked startled as she straightened, hurriedly putting on a half-hearted smile, "Yukina, hi! I didn't know you were...coming today."

"I wanted to wish you a safe trip," answered Yukina as she raised her eyes to stare up at Karen, but Karen averted her eyes.

Karen laughed quietly, seeming only to do so to please Yukina, "thank you, but you didn't have to come."

Yukina rested her hands on top of the guard rails and stared up at the sky, eyes closing with grief. The words blurted out in a rush, needing to be expressed, "I'm sorry."

"Please, don't apologize."

"But I am," Yukina didn't understand why Karen was forgiving her so easily. "I would never hurt you, Karen. I - I lost control that day and I attacked you -"

"It's not your fault," replied Karen mechanically.

"You're not understanding..."

"I am," Karen was still staring intently at the tracks, "Things happened too quickly that day, so fast, but I didn't get hurt and so you don't have to apologize for that." Karen's eyes tightened, not with anger, but with remorse, "in fact, Hiei should apologize to Kuwabara."

Yukina wrung her hands, eyes aimed at the ground, "but if I never claimed Kuwabara, maybe waited, then he wouldn't have left," Yukina stared up at Karen through her lashes, "left you."

"No, Yukina," Karen faced Yukina. "Don't you feel guilty for that. You did what you felt you had to do and if Hiei, as your brother, can't accept that, then he's not being a good brother, not to you." Karen looked sheepishly away, seeming guilty for siding against Hiei.

"It's not fair for you, Karen. I took your mate away from you and now my brother feels as if he should distance himself." Yukina looked distraught, her eyes shining, "to be away from your mate, even for a few days, is hard, so hard, and I don't know if I can deal with it when Kazuma is away, but for Hiei to be suffering as such right now and you..."

"Hiei is strong Yukina," Karen placed her hands on Yukina's shoulder, "and he was going to leave anyways. I miss him, yeah, but I never blamed you, not for anything." Karen dipped her head, meeting Yukina's eyes and smiled gently, but it seemed forced, "you're strong too, Yukina, and you'll be fine just like Hiei."

"You won't take my apology, will you?" asked the small ice demon when they had grown silent. Yukina should have known that Karen never planned on accepting her words.

"No," answered Karen, that same forced smile on her face.

"Then I also won't accept this back." Reaching into a fold of her kimono, Yukina pulled out the necklace she had planned on giving Karen weeks ago.

Eyeing the necklace, Karen stared at the small glimmering gem. It looked like one of the tears Yukina had cried when her brother had left.

"My mother gave this to me," explained Yukina. "My people, when we cry, our tears solidify into this...a hiroseki." The hiroseki twinkled in the light. "My people are all women and when our time comes to give birth, we only give birth to a baby girl, but my mother, she defied the sacred laws and mated with a man."

Yukina eyes glazed over as she recounted her past. "At the time of our birth, we shed a tear, a special tear, but because my mother mated with a man, she gave birth to twins and so she shed two tears, one for each of us."

Smiling, Yukina reached for Karen's hand to drop the sacred tear into the young woman's palm. Karen held the stone as if it would break at any moment.

"It's beautiful," awed Karen.

"So was my mother," announced Yukina proudly, "and brave for wanting to defy our cold people's laws for love. I never met my father, but a friend of my mother's said he was tall and quiet," Yukina smiled, "I guess my brother shares his looks and personality. He was a Dark demon, a very rare type of demon. I've heard they live in shadows and are very powerful, perhaps one of the reasons why my mother never ran away with him, because he must have had many enemies."

Karen seemed enthralled by the story as she leaned back against the rails while admiring the necklace. It made Yukina happy to share her family's history with her brother's mate.

"Wait," Karen frowned. "Kurama says Hiei's a Fire demon... You're mother is Ice and your father is Dark?"

"I realize Hiei hasn't shared his past with you, but you should know it," Yukina reached for Karen's hand as the woman made to disagree. "No, you need to know and so I will share it with you. My people, us women, are not allowed to mate with men because to do so, curses us with a boy child, a demon born of fire, like my brother. It need not matter what type of demon our father was, Hiei was always going to be of fire." Yukina's eyes darkened. "Hiei, as my people think of him, is the cursed child of fire. He was cast away from our floating island and the act killed my mother."

Karen was staring down at Yukina, hanging onto every word as the small demon continued. "I grew up having to hear of the elders talk of my mother's evil act and of my 'cursed' brother, but I never believed it. My mother loved us, both of us, and when I was old enough I left my village and set off to find Hiei. I knew he was alive."

"Then you ended up in Human World."

Yukina smiled. "Yes, and I found my brother and met all of my friends, Kazuma...and you."

Feeling no sense of loss for the trinket her mother had given her, Yukina folded Karen's fingers over the necklace. She suddenly felt elated, as if this was something her mother would have wanted, to share this gift with her brother's mate.

"I want you to have it."

Immediately, Karen shook her head and held out the necklace. "No, I'm sorry, but I can't accept this. It belonged to your mother." Karen moved forward to hand the necklace back but Yukina stepped away, a small smile gracing her face. "Please, Yukina, you should be giving this to Kuwabara or your children!"

"It doesn't feel right to give to Kazuma. I've explained this to him and he agreed with my reasoning." Yukina blushed prettily at the idea of children. "As for my children, I shall produce special tears for them when they are born and I will love them as my mother loved my brother and I."

Yukina smiled up at the young woman. "You are my sister now." Taking the necklace out of Karen's hands, the small demon murmured for Karen to bend so as to slip the necklace over the woman's head.

"Yukina."

"If things were different, if my mother were still here, she would have loved you." Yukina stared proudly at her mother's tear glittering from where it rested against Karen's chest. "You need it," whispered Yukina as she hugged Karen tightly. "It'll bring you peace."

Takeo whistled as he held his bound hands out to the guard releasing him. Nearby, Yusuke chuckled as the guard waved his hands and the glowing cuffs disappeared, freeing Takeo, who happily saluted the guard.

"Man, it feels good to be free," Takeo proclaimed happily.

Yusuke walked with Takeo as they set off down a hallway. "Did they treat you alright? Koenma says you've been questioned kind of heavily."

Takeo shrugged as he rubbed his wrists, thinking glumly of his imprisonment, "they were fine enough. I didn't expect to just breeze by without a second glance. I knew what was in store once I decided to join the 'good side'. However, those tests," Takeo's eyes darkened and he shook his head, "were horrible. It felt like every inch of my body and mind was being dissected."

Yusuke cringed. "It was those tests testing to see if you were being mind controlled, right?" Takeo nodded. "Yeah, I heard those were a pain in the ass."

Takeo snorted as they stopped before an elevator. "Pain in the ass is an understatement. Try undergoing those tests for a few weeks."

Yusuke showed a card and a guard nodded before punching in a few numbers into the keypad along the wall. The elevator doors opened and the men headed inside. Yusuke settled back against a wall as the doors closed.

"Why did you join Cain in the first place?" Yusuke stared pointedly at Takeo. "You don't seem like the evil type of demon."

Takeo's face darkened. "I wouldn't say I'm not evil. I've done my share of dark deeds."

Yusuke frowned as he noticed Takeo's face darkening as the demon seemed to contemplate his past.

"I'm guessing you haven't been informed of my story, have you?" asked Takeo, his bangs hiding his eyes.

Yusuke crossed his arms and said, "I was wanting to hear it from you personally."

"Well, I was like any demon really, just wanted to be strong and rule or something along those lines," Takeo stared thoughtfully up at the elevator ceiling. "I stumbled across Cain by accident. Cain wasn't as strong as he was now, but he was still something to behold, even in his weakened stated." Takeo closed his eyes, his voice deepening to something akin to pain as he continued, "all I remember from that fateful day was staring into his eyes and then I awakened, weeks later, standing before a human village in Demon World." Takeo was staring at the ground, his face dark and voice tight as he spoke. "The village was burnt to the ground...Cain had acted through me."

"He controlled you?"

"Cain can possess, brainwash, and control both mind and body. Back then, he was weak, really weak, but his control was strong."

Yusuke glanced at the flashing numbers that indicated the floors they were zooming past. They still had a way to go to reach their destination. "So you've been brainwashed this whole time?"

"No," Takeo eyed Yusuke, "I eventually fought against Cain's control to regain some semblance of my mind. I guess it impressed him and he made me an offer to join him." Takeo sighed as his voice lowered. "So I stayed as it seemed like the best thing to do, given that he had grown stronger. Go with the power and you shall gain power..." Takeo's eyes glinted with some sort of emotion as he went on, "but then Cain captured that priestess and he tortured her for weeks...I never felt right about taking a human life. I assume it is because I'm part human, because my mother had been human, a good human."

"Is that why you sided with us," asked Yusuke, "or is it as you said, that you feel that you owe Karen?"

"Both." Suddenly, Takeo chuckled. "Karen, that beautiful angel who saved me."

Yusuke narrowed his eyes threateningly and muttered, "you know your infatuation is useless, don't you? Karen is Hiei's mate and she is my daughter, despite our ages."

"Can I not admire her?" Laughing, Takeo shook his head as Yusuke's jaw tensed. "Of course, I find most women to be beautiful, like Valon, that feisty priestess." Takeo grinned devilishly before continuing in a sly voice, "you know, Hokushin came and paid me a visit down in the dungeons. He explained that your wife was quite a sight to behold." Takeo's words came slowly so as to tease Yusuke, "I mean, that smile in her picture - eyes of -"

Yusuke curled his fists and the knuckles popped menacingly. "What-"

"Joking," Takeo held up his hands, "Hokushin did no such thing but he does seem to admire your wife...you should be proud."

After a moment, Yusuke settled back against the wall where he inspected his knuckles, somewhat smug as he said, "guess I am lucky."

The elevator doors binged open and they both stared at each other, a moment of deep trust and new friendship passing between them.

"So you'll fight with us to the end," asked Yusuke as he held a hand out.

Takeo's eyes hardened as he thought of the suffering priestess and of Karen's bravery. Grasping Yusuke's hand, Takeo smiled dangerously.

"Until that bastard is dead or I'll die trying."

The train ride was long, devastatingly long, but not to the point of boredom, more of an observation. I didn't mind sitting for hours, watching the changing scenery as the train sped forward. For hours, I thought of nothing and simply surveyed cities flickering by, then small towns, and soon only trees, miles and miles of barren trees.

My companion, a tall man with russet skin, short cropped hair, and dark shades covering his eyes sat across from me in the small booth. He spoke only once to reveal his name, Jet, in a voice so deep, even whispering one would be able to hear him across a room. He was built like a soldier, muscles bulging out of his black tee and he acted like a soldier, the way he sat without moving, body alert for any sign of danger.

I didn't bother Jet by questioning him incessantly, although I did want to ask why he was wearing shades in a lighted up train, but to each their own. I was determined to leave him alone, but when lunch came and I found the two bento boxes Keiko had made, I held one out, offering him one. He made no move to take the lunch, seeming determined to remain in his seat.

For all I know, he could be asleep beneath the glasses, as he sat frozen in place, but I cleared my throat anyways, "My mother made you a lunch." I assumed it was Jet's lunch because the box was much larger than mine.

Jet's head twitched a tiny bit in my direction, but other than that, he made no other attempt to take the box. Feeling as if I needed to try harder to make the offer, I tried for another tactic by stating in an offhand way, "it would be a shame to let it go to waste." With that, I unsnapped my chopsticks and began shuffling through the contents of my lunch.

Keiko's food was good, was always good, more rich in flavors than the food I made, and even the aroma was thick and savory, which was probably what brought Jet around as he reached for the lunch I set aside. I didn't say a word or even glance up, but was immensely pleased that I had convinced him to eat it. Eating in silence, even with a stranger, was comforting, and allowed me to think of home.

With lunch long gone, I went back to staring silently out the window. After awhile, butt tingling with painful pricks from sitting too long was the perfect sign for realizing that we had finally made our destination. I grateful stood up along with Jet, spending a minute just stretching before grabbing my backpack and heading off the train.

Outside, the train had stopped at an old wooden train station. The station was small and faded, the sign in the front was no longer readable, and the owner, a tiny old man, was rocking away in a rocking chair on the front porch. Other than the station, train, tracks, barren trees, and two dirt roads, nothing else existed. The sound of the train's whistle rang in the air and soon, the train left, speeding away into the distance and leaving me staring after it somewhat sadly.

"Karen," Jet called hesitantly in his deep voice.

Jet was standing near the left road, holding my suitcases, one large and one small, and waiting for me to follow. Reaching up, I grabbed the hiroseki stone, absorbing some sort of strength as I watched the train fade away completely. Finally, I turned and trailed after Jet as he led the way with a calm pace.

Jet could probably reach the temple in a matter of minutes, but he remained dutifully before me, quiet like a rock. It was a long walk, maybe a little over an hour, before we reached a set of stairs. Jet's patience was truly tested then as I struggled after him up the half mile long stairs. I didn't know if they would ever end, but eventually they did and who better to greet us at the top but Genkai, a frown marring her aged face.

"You're late," snipped Genkai as she stared at us with indifferent eyes.

Jet calmly answered, "the train was delayed at a few stops."

Seeming to not care for the explanation, Genkai merely nodded, "fine," then she turned to me, "I'll show you to your room." With that, Genkai entered the temple, leaving me alone with Jet once again.

I reached for my suitcases, "thank you but I can carry it now."

Nodding, Jet handed the cases over, nodded again, then disappeared around the temple without a word. I stood there for a minute, simply staring up at huge double doors. Vaguely, I was reminded of the past, standing here, the long set of stairs behind me, doors before me, Hiei forcing me inside after he had hunted me down in Tokyo. Sadly, as abrupt as the images of Hiei appeared, I forced them away, and headed inside.

The huge door shut with a deafening boom, seeming ominous in the quiet temple as it echoed. Inside, Genkai was waiting for me with a stoic expression, hands clasped behind her back and looking at ease inside the enormous temple. She continued to gaze up at me, eyes never wavering, staring at me as if she was waiting for me to do something, but the only thing I did was avert my eyes as her gaze grew uncomfortable.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," clucked Genkai. "We have a lot of work to do."

I didn't question Genkai. I actually didn't have a lot to say these days and was only determined to do as I was told, because it seemed as if that was what everyone wanted.

"I told Yusuke and Hiei that I would supervise you. They probably assume I mean to watch over you when Lena is away, but that is not the case." She walked swiftly down a hallway. "What they don't know is that I will be training you to defend yourself."

"Defend?" I asked softly, struggling to keep up with her as I toted my luggage.

"If you wish to speak, you shouldn't mumble." Genkai glanced sideways at me. "I'm an old woman now, you have to speak up."

I didn't say anything, choosing to stay quiet, but also pondering why she seemed to be crossed with me. I had spoken to Genkai on a number of occasions and we had hit it off well. Was it something I did?

"Defending yourself. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's the look of fear in a woman's eyes." Genkai stopped suddenly, staring up at me expectantly. "This will be good for you and what I teach you will aid you for when you travel to a temple."

I wasn't sure what gave me away, but Genkai seemed to sense that I was close to saying something before shying away. "objections, Urameshi?"

"You act as if I will be allowed in any temple."

"Why shouldn't I act as such?"

I reflected back to the few weeks of listening to Yusuke and Hiei make guard plans for me while they were away. "It's not like I will get to help out much. Hiei and Yusuke...they wouldn't let me step foot in a temple if they could help it." I stared at the ground. "I'd probably get in the way."

Genkai grunted, not like Hiei, but like a cranky old woman, a feminist woman, "well, while you are here, we will assume you are to be given a temple." She set off again, eyes faced forward.

I noticed a lot of empty rooms, not as if they had been empty for years, but as if they had been recently abandoned. The doors were open and I tried to get a good look inside but Genkai was already turning again, so I hurried after her. Finally, Genkai stopped before a room and stared up at me, again assessing me with those flinty eyes. This time, I held her gaze.

"You'll be training with two teachers." She spoke sharply and I straightened my shoulders, feeling like she was lecturing me in some sort of boot camp. "When Lena isn't here, I will train you, and when she is, I will still train you." She leered at me. "You and I are about to become closefriends."

For some reason, I felt wary, because I don't think we were going to be friends, at least not in the normal way. It almost sounded like a warning.

"As you might have noticed, hardly anyone is here." She indicated to the empty rooms that we had passed, resuming, "many of the priestesses are gone, some in Demon World and some in Human World. There are a few priestesses here but they are off doing their own things, meditating and such, but you're behind, very behind, and not very strong," she raked a critical eye over me and my self-esteem fell, hitting bottom, but it didn't hurt because it didn't have a long ways to fall.

"You're dead weak and you're definitely not a fighter, but that doesn't mean you can't learn to defend yourself." Genkai's voice was sharp and commanding, cutting to the bone. "I won't teach you to fight but I can teach you to stay alive."

Genkai led me into the room, her voice no longer cold, but informative. "There are no phone lines out here so your cell won't work. However, if you write a letter, Jet will see to it that it is delivered."

The room was simple, much like my room at her other temple in Tokyo. There were two futons, two desks, two bookshelves, and two standing closets . The room was split evenly, with one side already occupied. I noticed a few pictures up on the right side of the room, some personal photos and some small posters.

"The kitchen is free to use but Koenma has provided a cook. I'm sure you'll like him." I set my stuff down on my side of the room as she continued speaking. "I'll allow you free time and you may do as you please. There is a beach nearby and you may roam around in the surrounding forest but Jet will accompany you." She gave me a reproachful look as she warned, "don't go anywhere alone with Jet."

Automatically, I nodded, as I did with any command or warning. Lately, commands were all I seemed to hear. Don't do this, don't go here, and don't do anything stupid, those were all becoming daily warnings.

"Your new ring will be delivered at the end of the month." She informed.

I had almost forgotten about alerting Koenma that my ring had messed up in translating with Nessa. He had slapped a hand to his forehead, laughing loudly before explaining that my ring was the first prototype and was made only to translate between Japanese and English. The new rings were made to translate many languages, even some demon languages. At least this time, the ring would fit properly as Koenma had taken measurements.

I stared over at the one window in the room, admiring the bit of sunlight that had cut through the winter clouds and hit the glass pane. Crossing over, I held out a finger, but the frail light wasn't enough to warm me.

Genkai's voice cut through my moment, "tomorrow, at dawn, you start training, so I suggest you get plenty of rest. I'll train you as hard as I've trained Yusuke and if he told you about any of it, you will heed my words about resting."

Meeting Genkai's eyes, I nodded, unsure of what to say. I was somewhat hesitant, nervous actually, about this training, as I thought Lena would be the only one teaching me, but if Genkai insisted, I would do as she said. Did I have a choice?

It was quiet now as she stood staring up at me and slowly, I turned away, choosing to began unpacking. I heard her walking back to the door, but before leaving, she paused to say one last thing.

"Goodnight."

It was still early in the day, but the words were sincere, grandmotherly, and I glanced up. She was staring at me, this time with a small smile and soft eyes.

"Goodnight, Genkai."

With that, she left, closing my door and leaving me to stand alone in the quiet room. I stared back out the window and clutched at my necklace as I contemplated the coming days.

Hiei's eyes raked over the various demons, taking in their sizes, and some were large, yes, towering above nine feet at least, and others were built like large apes, muscles bulging in the dim light, but size, the muscles and height, it didn't matter to Hiei. It only mattered if one could wield their strength with expertise, using their mind to strategize and - he eyed the dull expression of the largest demon - apparently, strategizing would not be in everyone's favor. Hiei closed his eyes and bowed his head, seeming to appear exhausted at just viewing the demons that had lined up in the middle of the room.

"If these are the new men - if I can even call them that - that I will be commanding, I have little faith in them surviving even a human riot." Hiei muttered scathingly as Mukuro stood beside him. "I'd rather command newly born demons."

"I have another group, more experience demons, but these," she nodded over at the demons, "are volunteers, most of them anyhow, and they need the most work." Mukuro chuckled as Hiei's eyes glinted with annoyance as two demons began fighting, tackling each other while arguing over statuses. "I think a majority of them simply wanted the chance to train under my infamous right hand, but a few seemed to doubt your strength."

At Mukuro's words, Hiei stared over at a particularly vicious demon, eyes glowing white, and teeth gleaming in the light as he actually chuckled while eyeing Hiei. The demon nudged his neighbor and they both stared pointedly at him while cackling.

"Seem to think you've lost it," she continued in a husky voice. "Rumors of you 'softening' up have been going around, what with you visiting Human World so often these past few weeks."

Hiei closed his eyes with indifference. "My visits are up and they would have done well to wish that I had remained in Human World, because I've been feeling, " his energy spiked menacingly, "irritated."

"Well, they're ready," informed Mukuro and she gave Hiei a knowing look. "Try not to kill off too many."

Hiei grunted as Mukuro settled herself into a throne-like chair, eyes glinting as she watched Hiei walk calmly into the middle of the room. Taking his time, he walked down the line of demons and as he passed the two chuckling demons, the demons suddenly fell to the ground with blood seeping from their throats. The rest of the demons gasped, exclaiming in hushed voices about Hiei's speed and brutality. The fighting demons hurried to stand, both sweating bullets as Hiei swept by them.

"I'll only say this once," Hiei commanded, his words rolling off his tongue slowly. "I order, you follow."

"I order, you follow."

Those were Genkai's first instructions when I had arrived thirty minutes late one morning. Having overslept, I scrambled into clothes and made to dash out the room, only to meet Genkai's furious eyes as she waited outside my room. From then on, through rain or shine, I promised to arrive on time, because as a consequence, I spent two hours running, not jogging, but actually running.

It was hard, legs cramping as I stumbled past dead roots, acquiring a multitude of scratches that stung in the cold wind. To make matters worse, Genkai was constantly at my ear, taunting me into a silent fury. And when I thought we had finished after two hours, she demanded I run up those blasted stairs, cackling as I tripped numerous times.

Genkai actually enjoyed seeing me struggle to run that she made it a daily routine. Every morning started off the same and every morning I felt like hiding from Genkai, but I also awaited eagerly for her. It was a love-hate relationship.

My training with Genkai seemed like it was the only time I ever felt anything, like I was still there, a living and breathing woman. Other times, I was invisible to the world and myself. At least with Genkai, she made me feel pain and I awakened enough to see the world, but then it would end, and I would be lost again.

Body trembling with fatigue, I fell for the hundredth time, my left knee hitting a particularly sharp step. I was barely half way up the torturous stairs, but I remained kneeling and breathing raggedly. I inspected my hands and stared somewhat transfixed by the blood and dirt caking my palms.

"Giving up, Urameshi?" Genkai called out from somewhere up ahead. "A quitter?"

I lifted my head tiredly and eyed Genkai as she ran up the stairs backwards, seeming bored, as if running up her stairs was hardly worth the effort. My body was tired, beginning to weaken to the point that I didn't know if I could stand. I had always stood up and continued on for her but maybe this was it for me. I couldn't do it.

"Get up, Urameshi," Genkai yelled, voice ringing loudly in my ears. I should have jumped up in shock, but I was exhausted and merely kept my head bowed.

She continued to yell, ordering me to finish to the top, but I shook my head. I was always going to fail because I wasn't strong enough. Everyone knew I was going to fail. I was too weak. I was barely aware that I was mumbling the words out until Genkai growled angrily at me.

"You'll fail because you're too weak to show everyone what you can do." Genkai grabbed the back of my shirt and yanked me up a step, dragging me. "Hiei says your weak and pathetic and you take it, huh, just take it like that?" I blushed slightly, not realizing that I had uttered those words. "Yusuke needs to dictate your life, decide what is right and wrong?" She continued dragging me and my shirt bit into throat, choking me. "Let's just let them decided for you. From now on, no more decisions for you."

"Stop it," I called out breathlessly as she pulled harder. I hissed as my knees scraped along cement.

"What was that?" asked Genkai mockingly. "Are you speaking up now, Urameshi?"

How could she be so strong, I thought, as she hauled me up another step. I struggled against her, trying to stand and trying to fight her off at the same time. "I can't breathe!"

"Do you have to ask Hiei for permission to breathe?"

Now she was hitting low and I swung my arm up out of exhausted anger. She let go, but kept at me, taunting me as I pushed myself up. I climbed up a few steps, but fell again, only to stand again once she pushed me.

"Fight back, Karen, fight back against me!" Genkai deliberated pushed me down this time.

I bit my tongue, holding in my anger as I glared up at her. I stood, fighting against the pain, ignoring the blood from all the scrapes, and continued up the stairs. I wasn't quitting.

Yusuke stood with his arms crossed and grinned. "Man, they're looking good."

Hokushin stood beside Yusuke, watching his many brothers sparring with one another. They were all moving like lightning and using moves that were newly taught to them by Takeo. "Has Takeo contacted you, Lord Yusuke?"

"No," replied Yusuke, "but he'll find Jin and them and deliver my message. Chu should be the easiest to find, so I told him to start with that big guy. Hey - thanks."

Yusuke took the letter that a small bald boy delivered him. Opening it and scanning the contents, Yusuke nodded to himself.

"Looks like we'll be getting our first priestesses in this area in a -" he checked the note again, "a couple of more weeks, month at the latest."

"Should we strengthen our forces around the planned temples we'll be hitting?" asked Hokushin.

Yusuke tucked the note in his pocket, "yeah, we'd better be safe than sorry."

"By the way, Puu seems a little down as of late," remarked Hokushin as he eyed the bird sitting glumly atop Yusuke's messy hair. "Missing your family?"

"Me, no," but Yusuke was lying and Hokushin could tell. "Okay, so maybe. I worry about Keiko and I'm wondering about Karen."

"Karen went to the temple to train with Lena, correct?"

Yusuke crossed his arms and nodded, ignoring Puu's soft little hoot of sadness. "Yeah, but I don't think she's training with Lena yet. Lena should still be in Italy and helping one of the priestesses." Yusuke smiled but it was sad. "Karen has probably just been wandering around at the temple for the past month. I guess she can look at it as a small vacation while she's at Grandma's."

Hokushin was quiet a moment before glancing sideways at Yusuke, saying slyly, "why not write a letter to your wife and Karen?"

"You know I don't write," exclaimed Yusuke. "It'll be embarrassing seeing as how I dropped out of school..." Yusuke made a face as he thought of his family. "They'll laugh at my handwriting and what if I spelled something simple wrong?"

Hokushin pulled out a pad of paper and pencil, hand poised to write as he looked at Yusuke. "I'm an excellent speller and I can write -"

Yusuke slapped Hokushin in the back of the head, hissing, "don't be so loud! You'll make everyone think I'm stupid!" Still fuming, Yusuke began walking while ignoring Hokushin's pleas for him to write home.

"They're fine." Yusuke frowned as he worried about his family. "Keiko's always good and she's safe and Karen is probably sleeping and eating, happy as any teenager."

Days pass both slow and fast. The fast elapsing time was painful, marking my body with bruises and cuts, simple injuries that healed with the right healer, but still painful in acquiring them. The slow elapsing time happened often, when I was alone, waiting for something to happen, but not knowing what it was I was waiting for.

A blast of light gleamed brightly and I needed to move, jump out of the way, but I was tired, and the bullet slammed into my shoulder. It hit hard, hard enough that I stumbled onto my knees. The bullets shouldn't normally hurt so much, but after days of attempting to dodge and block, my body was tender, tender enough that even the small bullets were causing fist-sized bruises. I stared tiredly over my shoulder, silently begging for a reprieve. Genkai and the SDF guard woman stared back, Genkai's gaze hard and without mercy, the guard's expression one of pity.

"Get up, Urameshi!"

I felt like mocking her words, but I remained crouched in pain. It was always the same phrase, day after day, as I was either lying or sitting at her feet, having failed numerous times. Dodging skills should be easy but it wasn't and I was aching in every place imaginable, even my left eye ached. The aches should fade, she said, but they weren't, and I was hurting. She was cruel, I thought, as she demanded me to stand, words piercing my ears - but I can't, I argued, I can't get up.

Unheeding her words, I continued to huddle there on the ground and it must have annoyed her, no angered her, because she brutally ordered the SDF to fire two more shots. I could hear the energy bullets whizzing toward me, and I made an effort to move, an honest effort, but it wasn't enough as they connected with my back. I yelled, or did I? Did I even have a voice anymore?

She was screaming again, pushing me to stand, always stand. Why was she pushing me so hard? What did she want from me? Didn't she know that I wasn't strong enough to live up to her expectations? I was trying with everything I had, but it's just not enough for you, is it, you old woman!

"Just say the words, Karen, say you're ready to quit!" Genkai lightly toed my leg and the small action felt like a kick. "You've got a tongue, Karen, so yell at me to stop and we'll stop. Otherwise," she nudged me harder, "stand up!"

I am standing - I stood up shakily - but you still keep yelling for me to stand and I am, I am!

The guard disappeared and I knew, about a second before she appeared again, that the next bullet was most likely going to be it for me. It pinned me in the stomach and air whooshed out of me like a deflating balloon. Flying back, I ended up on the ground, the cold, familiar ground. I was dazed and tired and this cold ground was the only thing catching me these days, because I couldn't catch myself.

I'm not getting anywhere, I mused, no where at all. I stared up at Genkai as she came into view and she was angry, but looking closely, she seemed sad, as if she needed me to fight back. I wished I could, be just a little bit stronger, but it wasn't happening.

Staring past her, I simple stared up at the dead branches hanging above me. The pain was already beginning to fade, and in it's place, came the nothingness that seemed to plague my mind when I was alone. Was I so far gone that not even the pain Genkai inflicted could bring me back, make me feel alive?

"Fight, Karen, fight!"

I'm not a fighter, I'm just not. I can't be like the others and I know it, so why do you keep asking me to?

"Urameshi, get up and stand."

Shut up.

My fingers twitched against the earth.

"Take your stance, now!"

Shut up!

The smell of dirt was strong in my nose as I rolled onto my knees.

"FIGHT!"

"SHUT UP!" I was breathing heavily, hands pushing into the cold dirt as I stood and weakly faced her. "I know what to do and I don't need you to remind me!" I faced the guard and knelt into the defensive stance Genkai had shown me days ago or had it been weeks... years? "Fire it, then! You wanted me to stand, well here I am!"

I must have gone unconscious and now I was dreaming because arguing back, yelling and screaming, it just wasn't normal for me. I must be crazy, but damn if it didn't feel nice to finally speak my mind, yell back at someone, instead of letting them assume I couldn't help myself now and then.

Dodge a bullet, I'll show you how to dodge a bullet, because I can. I might get hit, I might only dodge one out of a hundred, but I'll dodge one, Genkai, I'll dodge one.

The woman was running, trying to throw me off guard, but I was already off guard. Still, I hunkered down, watching tiredly as the woman weaved in and out of the trees, and I had already seen this pattern, so dodging - I whirled out of the way, sloppily missing the blast - should be easy this one time, just this one time.

Fight... Didn't I used to fight? Yes, I did, didn't I, against Hiei? I used to yell and scream, but I hardly talked now, because they all decided for me. But I used to do those things before, when I was fearless and confident.

I hit the ground, narrowly avoiding the streak of light above me. I landed awkwardly, not in the way Genkai had shown me, but I wasn't perfect, and neither was my fall.

I used to laugh and smile at everything and I still did, right? I can't remember...Did I smile on those last days with Kenji? Surely, I smiled at Keiko as she walked down the aisle, but, her dress, I can't remember what it looked like. I know I laughed at Yusuke's vows, but were they serious or funny, and no I didn't laugh, but I had to have laughed some time...the baby, I laughed at the news of -

I was too late to move as the guard fired - BOOM - it hit my head and the collision was strong enough to make me bite my tongue. Tasting blood, I staggered against a tree and hugged the wintry bark.

Images flooded me then, good images that I hadn't seen before because I had been lost inside myself. I had turned inward, trying to protect myself and my mind, but now I could see the world.

Kenji was laughing at the movie, turning to me, but I was simply staring, watching without emotion, but it had been funny. Laugh, Karen, I demanded as I saw, in my mind, Kenji's sad eyes gazing down at me. Laugh, you fool!

It was automatic as I hit the ground and rolled away.

Keiko was smiling, eyes shining with tears as she walked down the aisle in the elaborately white kimono-like dress. Her face was painted white, the headdress was so beautiful, god, how could I have not remembered this? But I had been sitting there, simply staring with dull eyes as she walked past me.

I rolled back, pushing off the ground until I was standing.

Yusuke's hand was trembling nervously as he drank from the sake cup, almost splashing the liquid on himself. He handed the cup to Keiko with a anxious smile and she stared up him beneath her lashes.

I crossed my arms, blocking my face from the oncoming blast and it hurt. My arms burned, but it was better than my face, right? I was just protecting my vitals, right Genkai, and damn, it hurt, but I'm still standing, Genkai!

Hiei was cupping my face and the moment I met his gaze, terror seized me. I cringed away from him and he stepped back, eyes wide with shock...

I fell to my knees as the last shot rang out and Hiei's face, the memory of the brief, confusing pain in his eyes, was like taking a thousand bullets at once. I hadn't meant to hurt him and now, looking back, I knew why he had slowly been distancing himself from me. I realized now why his jaw tensed every time he looked at my face, and I thought it had been the bruises, but he had been angry because I wouldn't look him in the eyes, not without flinching.

His eyes had been red, red like Cain's had been in those last moments.

The last few weeks before leaving to train, I had slowly been distancingmyselffrom everyone. At first, I laughed and smiled for them, tried to make them see I was okay, but I wasn't, and they knew it. They believed it would fade, blamed it on the nightmares, but it wouldn't fade until I let it.

"He was going to take them," I whispered, "my memories." I swallowed and it hurt to do so. "I thought if - if I shut down then he couldn't take anymore memories. If I didn't make any new memories, then he couldn't take them." I was almost chanting as the truth escaped me, head bowed in a mocking prayer.

Genkai knelt down and placed a hand on my back. "You see now why I've pushed you." She lifted my face and stared at me. "You know why I'm doing this, don't you?"

"I'm still scared."

"Being scared can make us stronger." Genkai smiled and it was kind.

"Welcome back, Karen."

A/N: Poll still up for Kenji