Chapter 33
Creeps Cracked, Snape Sniped.
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The next morning the three meet in the common room for the escort to the great hall for breakfast. Not because they need to in order to find it, Gamer mapping has come through for them again. But rather because it is kind of expected of them and they are trying to keep a low profile.
After that, a pair of second-year girls, blonde Hannah Abbot and redhead Susan Bones offer to take the little firsties around to show them where everything is. Once their short and rather plump head of house, the Herbology Professor Pomona Sprout, has passed out their schedules that they will be adhering to come Monday morning of course. The three dutifully follow along after the terribly enthusiastic pair until lunch, giving them a very thorough tour of the place. At which point the three of them slip away to the seventh floor to a rather odd magical portrait of some lunatic trying to teach trolls how to dance. Having seen the movies now, Luna is all but vibrating in excitement as Mindy offers an evil little grin and walks back and forth three times, which causes the door to appear.
Opening the door leads to a huge space, seemingly larger than the castle itself. Set up like a warehouse complete with industrial shelving, stacks of wooden packing crates everywhere, and mock-ups of forklifts and such scattered about. The seemingly fluorescent lighting flickers abominably and there is no shortage of nooks and crannies, dead ends, and catwalks all over the place where things could be lying in wait. As soon as the door is closed Mindy starts speaking, largely to Luna. She isn't too worried about Dave's coping mechanisms for combat.
"Okay. If I understand how this place works, it will provide whatever we want as long as we make the instructions clear. Not sure if it reads minds like the hat or what but it got everything here right so far, so let's add some bad guys and see how we do."
Her eyes narrow as she considers what she wants, and suddenly in the dark recesses of the room, there is a sound of scrabbling claws across the floors. None could yet be seen but by the sound, it is obvious they are getting closer.
"What's coming are some bad creatures from the place we were at the world before last. They're known as 'creeps.' They're about the weakest of the threats there, basically a three to five-foot-tall mouth with two legs that it uses to get around with. They are fairly fast, and these ones won't actually hurt you if they touch you. Instead, they will just fade away. But since the goal here is to not get hit and nail them before they get close, as soon as you get touched you have to go into the penalty box by the door for five minutes. They'll ignore you there. If we are ever all three in the box at one time? Simulation is over and we'll have a bite to eat and something to drink out of an inventory while we do our verbal after-action reports and figure out what we could be doing better. " She smirks. "There are ten right now and every thirty seconds, another one will spawn. But every time one spawns, it'll be one more than the number that spawned the last time." Her grin at this point becomes unbelievably savage. "One last thing, in an effort to get everybody thinking about wand-less and silent casting? They target based on noise and wands being used. The closer you can get to silent and the less you use your wand in your casting, the more they'll target somebody else. Oh, and Dave? No semblance. Magic and normal mobility only, we need to get a handle on this. Know your enemy, and all that shit. Everybody ready?"
Dave and Luna are pretty sure she's lost her mind, but they nod.
She laughs at their expressions. "Let's do it!"
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HP HP HP HP HP HP
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Turns out, Luna wasn't a fan of Grimm. At all. Not in that she didn't like seeing them. More in that the idea that such a wonderfully diverse group of interesting creatures, at least according to Dave and Mindy's descriptions of them, were somehow completely incapable of being reasoned with, trained, or managed in any way and required extermination.
She is content, even happy to practice her spells and combat abilities with them against the room of requirement versions. But both Dave and Mindy can tell by the things she is saying that if these were the real deal, she'd probably get herself killed trying to 'tame' one or something equally silly. They love her for her empathy and her huge heart, but she definitely needs a bit of a reality check before she could be 'released into the wild' as it were.
But then, even if she weren't Luna? She'd still be eleven. So expecting much better than this is probably expecting too much
In all, they had managed to last almost an hour and a half on their first run, but it must be admitted that this was almost entirely due to Mindy. Her ability to mince across the battleground, constantly in motion and always just out of reach kept her from being tagged at all until more than a full hour had passed, and by the time she'd been overrun both Dave and Luna had been in and out of the penalty box constantly for the previous half an hour. Breaking out one of Dave's kitchen trunks they sit down around a wooden crate supplied by the room and have a meal of hot soup and fresh sandwiches. They had prepared at least a hundred meals for the three of them before they ever even got on the train to come here, and had stocked up with months worth of unprepared food in case they needed it.
Mindy is a huge fan of the Lovegood policy of using stasis charms to have convenient homemade food whenever, that is at least half the reason they made it a point to get stasis charms built into all the trunks. Technically the inventory is basically in stasis anyway, but she is assuming that there may come a time when they will either want to leave a trunk out for a while, or there will be people around that they would rather not tip-off. So each of them has three trunks that include one compartment that is part of a kitchen. A pantry, a refrigerator and freezer, and an oven and stove-top that also includes pans, dishes, and utensils. Expensive to put it all together though. Both she and Dave are delving through their newly acquired knowledge constantly to verify that the how's and why's of the making of such things is covered. When they leave, they want to be able to produce their own if they need to.
As they are all digging into their late lunch Mindy can't help it and smirks at Dave.
"You really need to learn how to duck, that was pretty pathetic."
Luna just hangs her head. Mindy pats her on the shoulder.
"I wasn't talking to you, goober. You've been training for like a week. This ox has been at it for years, and with the Gamer set up for what, sixteen months of that? Somewhere in that range? He's tough as hell, but he really needs to get better at getting out of the way. Sooner or later we are going to run into something that you just can't let hit you and that is gonna be a bad fucking day for us if he's still working at Captain Caveman standards."
Dave doesn't deny anything, just shrugs and swallows his most recent bite.
"Yeah, true enough. Might happen sooner than we'd like, there is a basilisk here after all. Not sure how my resistances would stack up to that poison." Then he laughs. "Though I imagine that sucking on a mandrake leaf for a month or more might help our toxin resistances. They are supposed to be poisonous after all."
Luna nods. "Oh, they are. But in small doses, they can actually be used as medicine. My mother was a researcher, mandrake was one of the many things that she experimented with. When she was alive." She pauses for a moment, the slightest shadow of loss crossing her features. She desperately misses her mother, but the time passed has dulled the pain somewhat. "Unless your system is really sensitive to things, I don't think a single mandrake leaf would do it."
Dave gags a little. "I don't think I want to do any more than one. It's bad enough that everything I eat tastes a little bittersweet right now, I don't need to make that worse."
Mindy looks curiously at her soul mate. "You know, we've never really considered the possibility of intentionally damaging ourselves to increase stuff. I mean, going by your physical damage resistance skyrocketing due to our sparring it seems likely that it'd work. Whatcha think?"
Dave rolls his eyes. "So what, we are going to have the room call up a giant tumble dryer full of bowling balls and let you bounce around in it for a few months to catch up with me? Or do I just get to pound on you while you aren't allowed to block or dodge? Remember, this kinda thing hurts, you really want to go through that?"
She looks thoughtful for a bit, then wrinkles her nose. "Maybe when we are more settled in. We heal quick back to full health, fighting form-wise. But the dings and dents on us sometimes take a while to not be visible anymore, and the last thing I need is to be seeing the school nurse constantly because some well-meaning' Puff sees it and panics, drags me down there." Then she looks at him and a smile breaks out on her face. "Besides, I'd need to plate my bones in metal and do irreparable damage to my nervous system to catch up with you as far as being a slow as fuck meat shield is concerned."
He tosses a pickle slice at her from his sandwich. "Ha. Ha. You're hilarious."
Luna looks between the two.
"Are we going to do something for Ginny? She's... Maybe not the best friend ever, but she is my friend. I don't like her being in the thrall of some nasty dark book that wants to eat her soul."
Mindy thinks on it a few seconds, being the only one that has both read the books and seen the movies multiple times she tends to get tapped for these kinds of things.
"Yeah, but I think we are probably going to have to wait for Halloween. Unless something changes, that's the first chance we're going to have to get rid of the basilisk. Barring a better idea, we'll need the damn fang and venom to actually destroy the Horcruxes. What we need to really be doing is sorting out a way to get rid of the fucking snake without getting killed doing it."
Dave shrugs. "It's huge and tough, but it is also limited in its travel routes in the sense that it has to enter the main parts of the castle from a specific location. Treat it like any other hunt, and it's a lot like a beaver in that way. Or a lot of burrowing critters. Not sure if we can do enough to kill it this way, but it shouldn't be impossible to rig up a trap to hurt it pretty bad. We'll need to do some research though. Ideally, we'd do something that would screw up its eyes so it can't just kill us by looking at us."
Mindy smirks. "And that ancient ass Boy Scout manual strikes again. Any thoughts?"
He looks thoughtful for a moment as he considers the possibilities.
"Guessing a two-stage trap might work best. A dead-fall, preferably something scaled up to the multi-ton range and with either blades or spikes to get it bleeding bad enough that even if everything else fails there's at least a decent chance it'll die of blood loss down in its lair trying to recover. Combine that with a chemical to take out the eyes? Some kind of acid maybe? That plant puss stuff from the movies, if it affects them? Like I said, we'll need to look into it. But between the mini-map and preset traps that we can activate from out of sight, it shouldn't be impossible to put the thing in a hurt locker while never actually being in danger ourselves."
He takes a drink to moisten his throat before he continues.
"The hard part is going to be working it all out in such a way that we don't accidentally kill Ginny either with our trap or when the basilisk starts thrashing around and setting it up in such a way that her hitchhiker doesn't realize what's up." He chuckles. "I don't think that Voldemort was ever a boy scout, but I am willing to believe he might recognize a trap when he sees one." He's quiet for a moment while he considers the options. "Honestly? The easiest thing to do might be to stage a bunch of stuff in our inventories that we can deploy quick, skip the Halloween feast, and then set it all up while she's down collecting the thing. We never actually see the snake using the tunnel but it has to be a tight squeeze to get in and out of there. At that point, we just wait to hear it reopening on the way up, hold until we see the thing creeping out, and drop hell on its neck." He pauses for a moment. "A massive guillotine? Maybe? Real metal with a massive tank we can fill with water on the top, so it'll fit under the weight restrictions? There's a spell for water, right?" he seems to be considering options for a moment. "Yeah. There is, so we just get it set up, fill the thing once it is from on brooms or something, and then wait. The only real issue is that Ginny will probably be stuck behind it in the tunnel unless Voldemort has a lot more balls than I think he does. Betting he sends the snake out first again, just like he did way back when with the ghost that haunts the bathroom where the door into the 'Chamber of Secrets' is. On the plus side, that means 'book-mort' will be stuck down there too. Then we deal with the snake, head down once we've cleared the hole, and deal with him. Her. Whatever."
Then he frowns. "How we would set that up and deal with the aftermath without giving the game away to the entire school? That I am still working on. Plus, legitimately not sure we care but the Sword of Gryffindor doesn't make an appearance if we do it this way. If we want it back in play, we'd need to wrangle some other way to get it done."
Luna pipes up. "A rooster's crow is supposed to be lethal to one. We could try that?"
Mindy holds the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger as she rolls it around in her head for a few seconds.
"Yeah, but I'm not sure I want our entire defense against one of the nastiest fucking things the world has to offer being contingent on getting a cock to crow after dark. If we want to have one as a backup, great. But having that be the main plan seems like taking a huge risk for no damn reason. Besides, crowing kills one? I mean, it's magic and shit so I won't say it isn't possible. We ate the books, but we haven't really digested anything yet, and our levels are trash so I couldn't tell you one way or the other. But do you really want to take the chance that the guy that came up with it wasn't the Lockhart of a thousand years ago?"
They are all three silent for a few seconds while they consider that possibility. The idea that what they know might not be a hundred percent accurate when dealing with something like this is a sobering thought.
After that, they do two more runs in the current 'dungeon' and then decide they should probably show up for dinner before the rest of the 'Puffs start sending out search parties.
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HP HP HP HP HP HP
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For the most part, they keep a low profile when they are seen over the weekend. They are approached and asked questions about the States on occasion, but rapidly get a little tired of that. Mostly because these purebloods are still effectively living in the Victorian era and their only real history lessons for a couple of hundred years involve the teacher being a ghost whose career when alive predates the American revolution.
Let's just say that neither Mindy nor Dave are particularly impressed with the number of rolled eyes and references to a tea party they are getting from everybody not in their own house.
The Hufflepuff students aren't immune, but it's hard to stay mad at people that are constantly being insufferably kind, polite, and willing to help with every damn thing.
Even Mindy has a hard time getting pissed off at them. Which makes her even more irritable.
Dave thinks it's funny.
Mindy is looking forward to the next chance they get to spar for real. He's earning it.
The meeting on Sunday evening proves everything that anybody ever said about their head of house. She is a kind, pleasant, and easily approached individual who appears to be dedicated to her students, the rest of the Hogwarts students, her greenhouses, and the rest of the staff. In that order.
But unfortunately, Monday does eventually happen and with it their first potions class, right after breakfast.
They are all sitting when he sweeps into the room. Given the odd number of students, Dave has a table to himself. The Professor's standard speech when he makes it to the front of the classroom is a retread from the movie, which makes Mindy roll her eyes wondering how many times the sour old fuck had practiced it in a mirror. He goes off-script during the roll call a bit though.
"You. McReady. Why are you here? I ask because I don't see your cauldron out. Nor do I see your textbook. Why exactly would you bother to come here all the way from America just to get dumped unconscious, naked, and in the middle of our most well-traveled shopping district as though you were some drunken and lost muggle according to our very own Daily Prophet if you aren't even planning to learn anything?"
He has carefully chosen not to notice that almost nobody has their textbook or cauldron out, as they are first years and nobody was supposed to know what to expect to happen today.
Mindy can't help it and laughs out loud. The entire class becomes as silent as a tomb. Severus Snape, the potions instructor with his greasy black hair and pale skin, shakes his head in mock sadness and responds after about ten seconds.
"Obviously a sign of the MaCUSA education and discipline standards. Sad to see our little colony having gone so wrong. But never fear, Miss McReady. I've found that working detentions can often stifle such outbursts, and you'll be experiencing one this evening, with me."
She laughs even harder. "No, professor. I'm fine. You can do your own work."
The man at the front of the room is actually managing to get upset at this point.
"I'm afraid that you are mistaken, McReady. Here in Hogwarts, detentions. Are. Not. Optional."
She shakes her head. "Well, I'm afraid that you are not entirely in possession of all the facts Professor Snape. You see, your reputation has spread far and wide, even across the ocean."
The man looks pleased, but perhaps a little confused.
"If my reputation is so widespread, why would you come into my class and disrespect me by laughing like a demented hyena?"
Wiping a tear from her eye as her laughter finally dies down, she shakes her head.
"Oh, you do have a reputation as a master brewer, make no mistake. The rest of your reputation is why when we transferred here we were issued a Pensieve. I'll be showing this little farce to Professor Sprout after class, and we'll see what she thinks of it. For the record, I'll treat any bully to the same treatment. You may want to let your godson know since I can't think of any other reason you'd be trying this on the first day of classes than my reaction to his attempt to bully me on the train. Or maybe I should say, his version of the events that took place on the train." She smirks at him. "You don't have to be a Ravenclaw to have brains, professor. And Slytherin doesn't have a monopoly on cunning. But please, feel free to dig your hole deeper. I am beside myself in glee to see what you end up fertilizing when you've gone too far and my head of house decides that she's had enough of you picking on her students. As for why I am laughing? We had a bet on how long it would take you to overstep." She turns to Dave, who rolls his eyes, pulls a coin out of his pocket, and flips it to her. Mindy gives the teacher a wide smile when she snaps her hand out to pluck it from the air.
"Easy money."
Snape merely stands there, a slight tremor in his posture the only indication of the rage he is feeling. After a few moments, he quietly responds.
"Get out. Get out now."
Mindy again smiles. "Thank you, I think we will be doing independent study for potions. We'll see you for the end-of-term exams."
Then to the astonishment of Severus Snape, the bat of the dungeons, the one whom no student in more than ten years had even dared to have an attitude with, much less anything even approaching what he has experienced today, she gets up and walks out. Followed by Luna. Then Dave.
Then, in a show of solidarity and disgust at his attempting to intimidate what was, in their minds, more than likely a child victim of rape?
The entirety of the Hufflepuff half of the class walks out as well, leaving only frightened Ravenclaws that are terrified that the crazy man might do something similar to them next.
Author's note:
Before anybody tries to say that I am writing Snape out of character, I want to remind you that the man read, out loud and to the class, a patently ridiculous article by that hack Skeeter for the sole purpose of humiliating his students. Moreover, the one that is legitimately more screwed over by that article was Hermione, who was by far the most dedicated, polite, and most likely accomplished student he had. He is a complex character, and I will agree with his defenders that in the end, he was on the good guy's team.
But that doesn't make him any less of a jackass, and he's lucky Mindy is working to keep a low profile or he'd be trying to make it to the infirmary dragging himself up the stairs by his one working eyelid after she shattered all the bones in his limbs.
Thanks for reading, reviews are lovely, and a favorite/recommendation never hurts the feelings of any of us creator types!
The awaited status sheets, because there have been a few that apparently actually care about this kind of thing. Who knew?
STATUS SCREEN.
NAME: Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass
TITLE: Gamer.
AGE: 23 (11)
SEX: Male
LEVEL: 26
HEALTH: 241
REC: 2.41 X2 (con 25+)
STAMINA: 218 (Add Str. '25+')
REC: 21.8
MP: 71 / 71
REC: 7.1
AP: 151 / 151
REC: 15.1
PE: 70 / 70
REC: 7.0
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STR: 42
DEX: 23
CON: 46
INT: 19
WIS: 21
CHA: 18
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STAT POINTS: 52
EVOLUTION POINTS: (NA)
MAGIC ABILITIES: (NA)
AURA ABILITIES: (6)
...Unlocked: 3 (5 aura points per level.)
...Aura Shield: Aura x2 (302)
...Strength Increase: 3 (30)
...Dexterity Increase: 3 (30)
...Constitution Increase: 3 (30)
...Aura Ram: 2 (Damage = Aura Max x1.2 Length = 12' x Aura or less. Width: Aura or less in Feet.)
...Cost = 20.
PSYCHIC ABILITIES: (NA)
MENTAL ABILITIES: (4)
...Gamer's Mind.
...Observe: 30
...The Map: 54
...Party System: Limit 1.5
MAGICAL SKILLS:
...Charms: 4
...Transfiguration: 2
...Potions: 2
...Herbology: 2
...Defense: 4
...Astronomy: 2
...History: 1
...Dark Arts: 1
...Arithmancy: 1
...Magical Creatures: 1
...Ancient Runes: 1
...Alchemy: 1
...Apparition: 1
...Flying (Broom): 4
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PHYSICAL TRAITS: (0+1)
...(Small Stature. Child)
PHYSICAL ABILITIES: (11)
...Gamer's Body.
...Inventory.
...Quick Change: Limit 2 sets.
...Deadened Nerves: 70% reduction in pain felt.
...Steel Plated Skeleton: 50% reduction in damage from blunt trauma and crits that break bones.
...Damage Reduction: 40 (80% MAXED)
...Heat Resistance: 16 (32%)
...Doubled regeneration. (Con 25+)
...Brute's Dedication: (Add Str to stamina score) (Str 25+)
...Toxin Resistance: 11 (22%)
...Arboreal Grip.
RACIAL TRAITS: (0)
NON-COMBAT SKILLS: (21)
...Basic Homemaking.
...General Education: +2
...Basic Driving: 10
...Sales Workforce Drone: 6
...Stealth: 20
...Survival: 27
...Rope Use: 15
...Auto Mechanics: 25
...Electrical engineering: 30
...Carpentry (Modern): 15
...Blacksmith: 15
...Welder/fabricator: 26
...Gunsmith: 17
...Metallurgy: 15
...Cooking/Chef: 19
...Climbing: 19
...Wind and Solar Power Generation: 26
...Computer Programming: 19
...Drive: Commercial Vehicles: 30
...Dust Based Power Systems: 17
...Law, Remnant: 18
...First Aid: 10
...Medicine: 10
...Energy Weapon Design/construction: 15
COMBAT SKILLS: (10)
...Brawling: 32
...Blunt Weapons: 32
...Two-Weapon Fighting: 32
...Small Combat Aircraft: 1
...Power Attack: 16
...Grapple: 20
...Handguns: 11
...Rifles: 2
...Ranged Explosive Device: 4
...Combat Driving: 18
MISC: (3)
...Soul Blended w/ Mindy McReady.
...Soulbound Locator.
...Soulbound Resurrection.
TITLES:
...Gamer.
...Gumshoe.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
STATUS SCREEN.
NAME: Mindy McReady / Hit-Girl
TITLE: Gamer.
AGE: 19 (11)
SEX: Female
LEVEL: 26
HEALTH: 241
REC: 2.41 X2 (Con 25+)
STAMINA: 166
REC: 16.6
MP: 72
REC: 7.2
AP: 147
REC: 14.7
PE: 73
REC: 7.3
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STR: 24
DEX: 54
CON: 33
INT: 20
WIS: 17
CHA: 21
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STAT POINTS: 52
EVOLUTION POINTS: (NA)
MAGIC ABILITIES: (NA)
AURA ABILITIES: (6)
...Unlocked: 3 (5 aura points per level.)
...Aura Shield: Aura x2 (294)
...Strength Increase: 3 (30)
...Dexterity Increase: 3 (30)
...Constitution Increase: 3 (30)
...Tele-Skulk: 3 (Range = Aura x1.2 In Feet. Transparency Sphere: Yards = Ability Level. Duration = Minutes = To Level.)
...Cost = 20
PSYCHIC ABILITIES: (NA)
MENTAL ABILITIES: (4)
...Gamer's Mind.
...Observe: 20
...The Map: 54
...Party System: Limit 1.5
MAGICAL SKILLS:
...Charms: 4
...Transfiguration: 2
...Potions: 2
...Herbology: 2
...Defense: 4
...Astronomy: 2
...History: 1
...Dark Arts: 1
...Arithmancy: 1
...Magical Creatures: 1
...Ancient Runes: 1
...Alchemy: 1
...Apparition: 1
...Flying (Broom): 4
PHYSICAL ABILITIES: (7)
...Gamer's Body.
...Inventory.
...Toxin Resistance: 5 (10%)
...Heat Resistance: 15 (30%)
...Damage Resistance: 10 (20%)
...Bonus action. (Dex 25+)
...Arboreal Grip.
PHYSICAL TRAITS: (1)
...Small Stature. (Child)
RACIAL TRAITS: (0)
NON-COMBAT SKILLS: (14)
...General Education.
...Stealth: 36
...Investigation: 17
...Carpentry (ancient): 15
...Auto Mechanics: 12
...Electrical Engineering: 12
...Carpentry (Modern): 16
...Computer Programming: 24
...Dance (Ballet): 2
...Drive (Commercial vehicles): 17
...Cooking/Chef: 9
...First Aid: 13
...Medicine: 10
...Climbing: 19
...Law, Remnant: 14
COMBAT SKILLS: (13)
...Martial Arts: 46
...Bladed Weapons: 38
...Two-Weapon Fighting: 30
...Two-Handed Weapons: 24
...Handguns: 27
...Rifles: 14
...Combat Driving: 24
...Critical Strike: 31
...Power Strike: 21
...Thrown Weapons: 22
...Combat Movement: 44
...Ranged Explosive Device: 8
...Improvised Explosives: 1
MISC: (3)
...Soul Blended w/ Dave Lizewski.
...Soulbound Locator.
...Soulbound Resurrection.
TITLES:
...Gamer.
...Gumshoe.
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KA-HG KA-HG KA-HG
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Basic rules for magic in the story:
Anything they attempt has a category and a target number. The higher the target number, the higher they will need to have their base skill in the category to learn it quickly and efficiently. The target number for a simple wand lighting charm, the Lumos, will require only a skill of one. The Patronus charm will require a thirty. You can bull on through and learn things that are beyond your skill level for the type of spell, but because of this, you are incredibly inefficient at it. Assume the cost is increased by ten percent for every point that your base skill is lacking by, and a (non-gamer) average of a week per point you are lacking to learn it in the first place. Again, fast and loose rules. This is NOT a playable game system. Just a way for me to keep general power levels straight in my head as I go.
Thanks for reading!