Chapter XXX: Just Alike

Ren didn't know how long he had been standing there. How long it's been since he stopped hearing Horokeu's distancing footsteps. His own feet wouldn't move, ignoring his commands that he silently screamed. Like they refused to let him get away from the greenhouse he could still see from where he stood.

Stop comparing me to him!

Ren's face cringed as Horokeu's words pierced him again. He wasn't sure where the guilt lies; in making the Ainu feel that way, or for his inability to argue otherwise. All Ren could do was say he was sorry but what was he apologizing for?

Ren let his gaze rise from his disobedient feet to the clear structure ahead of him. He felt his blood churn at the sight of it. At how it just stood there so still like nothing had happened. Calm and unwavering like it can't be touched. Ren wanted to spit at it. He wanted to shatter every glass wall until there was nothing left to hold up the ceiling.

Sure, he can agree that Horokeu had his right to be angry. He had every reason to believe everything he said to Ren if Ren didn't say any of it was wrong. Because instead he just said he was sorry. And maybe Ren should've at least said he was wrong. Maybe he should have gone after him. But he couldn't, and maybe that was on Ren too. But did everything have to be his fault? What about Horokeu? Was he really the only victim? Does that excuse him from how he made Ren feel? What about Ren? Didn't he get a say in anything? Did he deserve what he saw? Wasn't he allowed to feel betrayed? Didn't he have the right to feel like a victim? Wasn't he entitled to his rage?

Staring at the greenhouse reminded Ren what it had shown him and rekindled everything it made him feel. Everything that almost got buried by his guilt was dug up again and rose into a loud, vicious tempest. It even took the guilt with it, drowning it out and lifting the weight from his feet. Ren was finally walking again, carrying the storm swelling in his chest. But he wasn't heading for his dorm. He wasn't even looking for Horokeu.

Maybe it'll be the guidance counselor's office next time. You'd come to me for guidance, right?

"Guidance my ass." Ren muttered lowly as he eyed the closed office door, feeling extremely vexed for not thinking of doing this sooner. He never chose to be here, he never asked to be put in this situation. So why was any of this happening to him?

Ren took the door's knob in his hand, his fingers tightening as he thought about the face of the woman he was here to see. He wasn't here for guidance. If there's anything he's entitled to it was answers. And he wasn't going to ask for it, he was going to tell her to give it to him. He'll demand it by force if the situation calls for it. It already calls for it.

He turned the knob. He wasn't just going to get answers from her. He's here to tell the bitch who claimed to have brought him here in the first place that she was going to get him out. The door swung open. And Ren stops cold after two steps.

Ren's jaws dropped at the lean male figure in front of him. He stared back at Ren with the same apparent shock, although more likely because he wasn't expecting anyone to come barging in. The mug he was holding was close enough to his lips to indicate he was just midway from sipping the coffee he probably just poured from the pot sitting on the counter he was leaned back against. An utterly awkward silence passed between them for about three seconds.

"Uh...hi." The man blinked at Ren once, then held up a hesitating hand for an uncertain wave. Ren couldn't stop staring. His mind was wiped clean of everything he thought he was going to say.

"A-Are...Are you..." Ren stammered anyway, wanting so badly to ask if the man was really Ryu Umemiya. Because that was the face he was staring at. But it was just the face. He wasn't wearing an outfit that looked like a failed attempt at imitating some long-gone rock star. His hair wasn't styled into that ridiculous regent hair-do. He was in brown slacks and a soft pastel pink button-up shirt, buttoned up all the way and even topped with a necktie. No hairy chest showing.

"Are you...the guidance counselor?" Ren managed to ask, swallowing hard on his urge to ask if Ryu Umemiya had a twin he never told his friends about. His hair was still long enough to make that outdated style but it was tied back without a trace of gel in his dark strands.

"Yeah." The man raised a curious brow.

"So... this is the guidance counselor's office?" Ren still pressed nervously because maybe he came to the wrong room.

"Didn't you see the plate on the door?" The man was clearly perplexed by Ren's questions. Ren closed his eyes and nodded with burning cheeks. He did see the said plate, which did in fact read 'Guidance Counselor: Umemiya'. He was so fixed on making his demands to Nozomi, so sure that he would see her here, he didn't bother to pay attention. He had let his determination blind him and he can understand the confusion he caused by marching in here like he owned the place.

"Sorry, it's just...it's my first time here." The poorly fabricated excuse Ren came up with was cringe-worthy.

"Yeah, I don't remember you ever coming to my office, either." But the man just chuckled and finally took a drink from his mug. "And I don't remember we made an appointment." But when he looked at Ren again, all jest was set aside. Ren ran a hand through his raven hair. He inwardly groaned, feeling like he walked right into a wall.

"Right, sorry to bother you." Ren let out a breath and turned on his heel. He realized how pointless it was to try to think of any more excuses. If Nozomi wasn't here, he had no reason to stay.

"Hey, slow down." But the voice behind him stopped his hand reaching for the door's knob and he turned around at the man who shrugged at him. "I don't have another appointment for a while, so have a seat."

"...I'm ok."'

"No, you're not." Ren scowled, his narrowed eyes making it very evident that he didn't appreciate the tone.

"I'm fine." He insisted through his teeth, making the Ryu-look-alike sigh.

"How am I supposed to believe that when you came storming in here looking like you're about to explode? Now, it'd be pretty irresponsible for someone in my position to just ignore that." Ren's jaw locked.

"There's nothing to worry about."

"Well, there's gotta be something you wanna talk about. Why else would you come to a guidance counselor's office?" The counselor shrugged at the hesitating boy as if to ask him what he had to lose. But Ren still held the door's knob and the man scratched his head with a sort of smile that said he's dealt with too many stubborn teenagers to be irritated just yet. "Look, for what it's worth, you walked in here without an appointment."

"...So?"

"So, lucky you because that's not just today. You've never made a single appointment in the past and that means there's absolutely no record of you ever coming to see me. So for all the rest of the world knows, we never met. When you walk out of here, you can go back to never knowing me."

"What about you?"

"You're Ren Tao and I'm part of the faculty of the school you attend. I have to know you."

"...Right." Ren rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe he had to be reminded of what kind of position he's supposed to be in because of his family's influence.

"But that doesn't mean we ever actually met officially." Came the man's voice again. "And what reason could anyone think of that you'd have to see me unofficially like this?" Ren blinks at his clever smirk. He did have a point. The man eyed the boy with careful subtlety, not overlooking the hand finally letting go of the doorknob. He nodded towards the space where there was a sofa against the wall, two single-couches across from each other, and a low-lying coffee table in the middle of them. It could've pass for a simple living room if it weren't for the office desk on the other side of the room. Ren slowly approached one of the single-couches, and the other male watched him with an approving smile, appreciating his trust.

"I'd offer you some coffee but something tells me you prefer tea." Ren just nodded and the man chuckled as he pulled out a tin box from the cupboards. Ren silently watched him prepare a fresh cup, still trying to get used to what looked like a polar opposite twin of his friend. The other didn't seem to mind his fixation, humming a tune Ren didn't recognize as he poured hot water into a mug.

"So let's start over. I'm Umemiya." The man introducing himself handed Ren his mug. "And just for the record, I'm not suggesting I'll solve all your problems. But sometimes talking about it out loud makes it easier to sort it out."

"...Sure." Ren simply stated absently, not hiding how much he cared to take that seriously. He took a careful sip of the hot tea, letting his nerves loosen to the warmth seeping through, breathing in the calm aroma rising with the steam. He leaned back against the backrest, his lips still pressed together.

"Ok, I guess I have to start." Umemiya set his mug down on the coffee table and folded his hands on the knee of his crossed leg. "So what brings the Ren Tao charging into my office looking like he's about to kill somebody?"

"...I don't know where to start." Ren admitted quietly as he stared into his mug, his brows narrowing at his bewildered reflection. He didn't even know how much he can really say. He didn't doubt how honest Umemiya was about keeping this meeting between the two of them. But Ren realized telling him everything can land him into another office, one for a doctor in a psyche ward.

"You don't have to tell me everything." Umemiya said as if he could hear what Ren wasn't saying. Ren looked up to an unthreatening smile. "I told you, this isn't about solving your problems. If it helps, then that's great. But it's mostly just about blowing steam. So you can start anywhere; the beginning, the end, or right in the middle. Tell me whatever you want, and nothing you don't want to say. Think of it like this; if I can't promise to give you a solution, why should you promise full disclosure? How's that fair?"

"Um...Ok." Ren blinked at Umemiya, clearly stunned.

"Whenever you're ready." Umemiya nodded and leaned back in his chair with the same unthreatening smile intact. Ren peered into his tea again, at his thoughtful reflection. He closed his eyes and after a few moments he let out a breath to say he was ready and looked up again at the man across from him.

"So, I know these two guys." He began and Umemiya just nodded for him to continue. "They're...they're really similar."

"Similar?" Umemiya furrowed his brows and Ren nodded his head nervously.

"Like...twins. But...they're not even related." Ren wasn't actually sure about how accurate that claim was. But it was the best he could put it. How else could he explain it? He couldn't outright say they were the same person but from totally different universes.

"So they're look-alikes. Well, I've heard that's not so unusual these days. Thanks to the internet, there are numerous accounts of people running into their look-alikes even though they're total strangers." Umemiya shrugged at the idea and Ren felt a sense of comfort in his willingness to believe him instead of looking at him like he was crazy. Ren wasn't sure if he'd be able to be so open-minded to such an unlikely claim. But at the same time, he couldn't fully let his guards down and risk accidentally slipping too much information.

"That's the thing, they don't just look alike. They are alike. They can pass as twins even though they're not... But 'twins' isn't even right. It's like... it's like they might as well be the same person."

"Wow, so similar that they might as well be the same, huh?" Umemiya nodded with slightly widened eyes. "And what do they say about that?"

"Nothing. I know them but they don't know about each other." Ren took another sip from his tea to calm himself again. "I knew one of them at one time in my life but the other one, I got to know pretty recently."

"That must've been pretty weird for you when you first met him."

"Weird doesn't even begin to..." Ren rolled his eyes with a sarcastic scoff. "Anyway, the one I got to know recently, I got to know him because of that one I knew first. And... that's become a problem recently."

"How so?"

"It's... I guess you could say it's why we got to being friends."

"And how's that a problem?"

"At first it confused him because...well, we used to hate each other."

"Why'd you guys hate each other?"

"It's more like we just misunderstood each other. But we got over it."

"But you say it's become a problem now?"

"He... they already look so much alike, I just... I thought he was..."

"You mean you thought the recent guy was the one you already knew?"

"Basically." Ren shrugged, fully aware of how that sounds.

"But you just said the two of you used to hate each other. Doesn't that mean you already knew about him?" Umemiya furrowed his brows in obvious confusion. "You never noticed how similar they were before?"

"...It didn't bother me." Ren licked his lips after the short seconds he allowed to pass. He understood how reasonable it was for Umemiya to ask his questions. That's why he tried not to show how much they irritated him.

"So why did it start bothering you?" Still, Umemiya asked another question like he could still see it. "Did something happ—"

"Look," Ren cut the man short but let out an exasperated sigh before adding as calmly as he could, "the point is, he's pissed at me. He thinks I'm still mistaking him for the other one."

"...Are you?" Umemiya asked quietly, fully understanding where Ren was drawing the line he couldn't cross.

"...I don't think so. I mean... I don't mean to." Ren sipped his tea because he was about to bite his lip, and then whispered with a mouth that went dry anyway, "I don't know."

"Well..." Umemiya began but trailed off and rubbed his chin as he realized he didn't know what the right question is to ask next. He glanced from Ren's shaking hands holding his mug to his face. The lost boy didn't notice the man's contemplative gaze because he was staring into the gently rippling tea like that's where he could find his next words. Umemiya decided to wait to see if he does find them.

"...I know they're two different people." Ren's fingers finally stopped shaking. "I understand that. But sometimes, they can be so... it can get so...so..." Ren chewed on his lip.

"So hard to tell them apart?" Umemiya said quietly and Ren looked at him in a sort of alarm, then nods with guilt roiling the gold in his eyes.

"Sometimes I can't help it." Ren confessed while trying not to let his voice crack.

I don't know where or how it got so confusing.

"Why don't you let the two meet? If the three of you are in the same room, maybe then it'd be easier to—"

"I can't." Ren's finalizing tone didn't let Umemiya finish. "I mean...they can't meet."

"Why not?"

"Because he—" Ren stopped and bit his lip when he realized his voice was about to rise again, then slowly added, "they just can't, alright?"

"Interesting." Umemiya said and sipped from his coffee. "So do you know my doppelganger too?" He added with a small laugh, and Ren glanced up at him from his mug.

"Yes." Ren simply stated and there was a pause. Umemiya blinked at him but the boy held his gaze with a careful stare. While Ren did wonder how smart it really was to respond so honestly to what was clearly a joke, he also wanted to know how this man would react. Was it too much disclosure? Did Ren make a mistake? Will he brush it off with another joke?

"Yeah?" Umemiya raised a brow and an intrigued spark lit his eyes. "What's he like?" Ren let out a small breath. A part of him thought it almost sounded like the man said challenge accepted instead. He wondered why that was so relieving.

"He was the kind of guy that hung out with a bunch of troublemakers and outcasts. He was their leader." As Ren spoke he watched the way Umemiya watched him, both of their faces unreadable as they measured each other's honesty and trust. "He accepted them when no one else would. That's why they followed him."

"And how'd you get to know him?"

"We...had a mutual friend."

"You sure you weren't one of his followers?"

"No." Ren clicked his tongue at Umemiya's teasing. "But I saw how they looked up to him. He didn't use fear and force to earn their loyalty and respect."

"Like a true leader." Ren nodded, easily recognizing there was no teasing in that.

"He loved riding his motorcycle." The boy added, remembering how it even took form in his friend's spiritual transformation. "His main reason to ride his bike was to find what he called the 'Best Place'. He said it was supposed to be a place for everyone."

"I like this guy already. Touring around on bikes in search of a universal utopia. Sounds like my kind of road trip." Umemiya tilted his head back and his deep husky voice bellowed a rumbling laugh. Ren listened to the familiar sound, and suddenly it was so much easier to believe this was the Ryu Umemiya he knew.

"But do you know why I took this job instead?" Ren shook his head. "Because I had to grow up and stop wandering aimlessly for a place that doesn't exist." Ren didn't have to say anything for the man to know how much he didn't appreciate him mocking his friend's dream. But there was no apology in the counselor's eyes that stared back into the golden glare. Instead, he raised a brow as he asked,

"Did your friend ever find this Best Place?"

"...I don't think so." Ren muttered bitterly after a short hesitated pause.

"Do you think you know why?" Ren's lips pressed together, growing increasingly annoyed at the way the counselor smirked at him so knowingly. Like he had any idea what he and his friends went through.

"Because Best Place probably can't just be one place. Everyone's a different person so Best Place is different to everyone. In a sense, that's why I chose this job: to help kids find their Best Place. Or at least help them find the ability to find it." He chuckled at the dumbfounded look Ren was sending him.

"...I think he would've liked you too." Ren said quietly after a short pause. "The two of you would've made good friends." But Ren can imagine how unlikely those odds were. Even though his current situation can already be considered unlikely on its own, he still woke up alone in this school, not next to his double. There was probably some law of natural order that said the same person cannot exist twice in the same universe. Maybe it was something like how two reflections of one person cannot appear in one mirror.

"So, going back to what I said about people running into their look-alike strangers." Umemiya's voice pulled Ren out of the depths of his thoughts. Ren was secretly thankful for it, as he realized he was about to get in too deep into something that probably didn't have a bottom.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well, you need to understand that no matter how much they are alike, inside or out, they're not the same person. They're different people. You do get that, right?"

"Yeah, of course." Ren shrugged, making a puzzled frown as he wondered why Umemiya was stating something so obvious all of a sudden. "So what?"

"So I'm thinking you got confused because you haven't completely accepted that yet."

"I—"

"Sorry." The counselor looked down at his watch and held up a hand, cutting off whatever countering argument that was about to come out of Ren's opened mouth. "You're gonna have to leave. It's almost time for a real appointment."

"What?" Ren's jaws dropped and one of his eyes twitched.

"Hey, I'm just saying if you leave now, maybe no one will see you come out of here. Unless you don't mind if anyone finds out you came to see me." Umemiya held up his hands as if to further emphasize it was all up to Ren. The smaller male pressed together the back of his teeth, already aggravated enough that he wasn't even given a chance to make his argument against the man's claim about him. But he had a point. Every second he remained, the higher the chances of being seen walking out. He couldn't risk that.

"Thanks for the tea." Ren muttered and handed the mug to the man.

"Anytime." Umemiya chuckled, not at all minding that he was only thanked for the tea.

To be continued…