He couldn't. He wouldn't. She wouldn't let him. They needed each other. Now more than ever. She'd go to him and knock or shake or hex some sense into him, whatever it took. But then she realised she had no idea where to find him. Someone in the Order must know where he was... She couldn't go to someone as important as Dumbledore for something like this. Kingsley would know but that might be a bit awkward. Kingsley had this habit of getting an annoying smirk on his face that told you he knew exactly what you were thinking. She sighed, it would have to be Mad-Eye then the old nutter. He wouldn't like her showing up unannounced, he'd probably end up sending her straight back to St Mungo's, so she owled ahead.

When Tonks arrived at Mad-Eye's sensibly sized home in Chertsey, she took a steadying breath as she surveyed the perimeters and readied herself for the Auror training style assault course that awaited her. First, she disarmed the dustbins which no number of Ministry warnings could convince Mad-Eye to get remove, then she managed to manoeuvre through the plants that did their best to push her back onto the road. She knocked on his door (remembering to use the specific coded knock for Monday, since forgetting this last time had left her bruised all over). She soon heard the tell-tale sound of the peep hole from inside, followed by her old mentor's voice, "what did you trip over on the first day of training?"

Tonks rolled her eyes, of course he'd ask that. "Look it's me alright!" She insisted, changing her hair all manner of colours.

"Just answer the damn question." came his gruff response.

She sighed, "fine. Your bloody cane."

Mad-Eye opened the door to let her pass and she was proud of herself for not tripping over the humongous sneakaskope he kept in the hall. "You do realise I'm the only Metamorphmagus in this country right now, don't you?" she asked coolly.

"How do you know there isn't an unregistered one wondering about?"

She suppressed another eye roll, "look, do you know where Remus is?"

Mad-Eye fixed her with a strange look.

"What?" She asked.

"Don't get all puerile on me now girl" he growled, "there's work to be done."

"What? I'm still on recovery leave from work. The new Order headquarters isn't ready yet..." she shuffled her feet awkwardly under the old Auror's gaze and wondered how long ago he'd started to suspect something between her and Remus.

Mad-Eye scowled at her. "If you want to make yourself useful you can go see Kingsley at the Ministry, he has some files he needs to get to Lupin"

Significantly encouraged by the thought that she could do something useful and speak to Remus at the same time she grinned at her old mentor, "ok, will do" and then she turned and stomped back down the hall, this time failing to steer clear of the massive sneakoscope.

"Tonks" Mad-Eye growled after her just as she reached the door. She turned to look at him, bracing herself to be scolded for her clumsiness but that wasn't what followed. "You be careful now. You've got a good head on your shoulders. War will try to do a number on you, don't you let it."

She looked into his eyes, touched by his words and then felt the pang of grief over Sirius all over again. She nodded. "I know, I… I'll be fine."

She would be, she had to be. She wasn't right now but that was ok. She'd go to Remus, get him to see reason, and then they would heal, together.

Tonks felt a surge of irritation as she approached the run-down inn that Kingsley had given her the coordinates for. Remus had no business staying somewhere as dismal as this when he could still be shacking up in her little flat. She took the stairs two at a time, careful not to touch the banister which looked as though it hadn't been cleaned once during her lifetime. When she arrived at room number 11, she banged on the door twice before magically unlocking the door and barging straight in without waiting for a response.

"Tonks!" The werewolf started at her appearance in the doorway and promptly sat up from where he lay on the bed, carefully setting down the book he'd been reading. "What are you doing here?"

She winced at his use of her was just a name, but it meant so much more. "I… um… Kingsley asked me to bring you these." She said meekly as she handed over the files, all her previous determination to make him see reason having evaporated the minute he'd opened his mouth.

"Oh" he stood and closed the short distance between them to take the files from her, "thank you" he nodded curtly.

He was detached. She wanted that warmth back, the Remus who took her into his arms when they were alone, whose eyes sparkled as he smiled down at her when she said something stupid. The Remus who made her tea and shared his chocolate. This man was unrecognisable and seeing him only made it sink in further that he really had broken up with her.

"Umm… what do you need them for?" She asked. Her voice sounded small and she hated herself for it.

"Just some Order work" he replied not looking up from the files.

She nodded, as she tried to plan her next move. He clearly wanted her to leave, she felt like a silly little girl. What did she think would happen? That the minute he saw her he'd rush to her and take her in his arms and tell her he was wrong? She didn't know if she'd ever been more pathetic.

"Um… how are you?" she asked - another stupid question.

He didn't answer immediately, but stood a couple of paces away from her, not looking up from the files. He sighed, "Tonks..."

She winced again at the sound of her surname coming from his mouth.

"I think you should go…" he said in a tone that was impossible to read.

She felt a stabbing pain right through the heart and now of all times tears were prickling her eyes as she tried to hold them back. "Why?" She asked, again sounding far too weak and vulnerable for her liking.

"I told you why" he replied with the air of an abundantly patient professor.

"But that's not good enough!" She insisted, "I love you Remus! And I've been telling you for months that none of those things bother me but now you've decided it's time to walk away! Why?! Are you scared that I love you? Cos I know it is scary but it's good, we can be there for each other, I-"

"Dora please stop"

Dora. He called her Dora. His wall was coming down, she could see it slipping in his eyes. But she didn't know whether to be relived or not because now the man she was looking at was so sad and downtrodden it broke her heart.

"Please don't do this Remus" She persisted, "we have something special, you know we do. And… I need you…"

He looked so pained she almost felt guilty for taking that angle. But it was true. She did need him. The loss of Sirius, the guilt, the injustice, still burned. Remus couldn't make it go away but he could help her heal, she knew he could. And she could help him heal too. Together they could keep Sirius's memory alive.

"Remus! Say something…" she pleaded.

"I… I… there's nothing I can say. I don't want it to be this way, but it is. We can't change that"

"I don't know how to do this without you"

"You'll be fine. You're strong, you have so many people who care about you. You will be fine. I promise. I wouldn't… I wouldn't leave if I didn't know that you would be fine."

She shook her head, "but what about you?"

He let out a humourless snort, "I'll be… I've had a lot of practice at this"

She opened her mouth to protest that just because he'd been alone before that didn't mean he should be now, he didn't have to be, it was all for nothing. She loved him. He never had to be alone again. But then something caught her eye. He'd put the files down on the bed and the concealment charm was wearing off. She could just about make out the name becoming clear at the top of the page FENRIR GREYBACK. Horror stricken she grabbed the file. "Why do you have this!?"

"It's for Order work" he responded, his voice still not showing any emotion.

"What Order work?" she demanded.

Remus pursed his lips as he adjusted to the sudden shift in atmosphere. He took a moment to compose himself before speaking evenly and calmly, "Dumbledore asked me to infiltrate one of Greyback's packs. See what information I can glean about their loyalties"

"What?!" she exclaimed as she took in this new information.

"In the last war-"

"Yes yes I know all about that but what do you mean 'infiltrate'? Like you're going to… you're going to…" she couldn't even bear to finish the sentence.

"Go and live with them. Be one of them" he finished for her dryly.

"What?!" She gawked, "you can't be serious! You're not one of them Remus, you never will be!"

"No Dora I am one of them!" He threw his hands up in frustration now, "I am one of them. And that's why it will never work with us"

"You're wrong!" She cried, "This is madness!"

She didn't even know who she was angry at anymore – Remus, Greyback, Voldemort, Dumbledore... As she processed the reality of Remus's mission a new thought started to form, "and why I might ask, is it so pressing that you of all people have to go right now of all times?"

"I would think it would be obvious why it should be me." If she didn't know him better, she'd have said she sensed a hint of bitterness in his voice. But if the bitterness had really been there, he fixed it as he continued. "As for the timing, it's as simple as Dumbledore asked and I accepted"

"I don't believe you" she glared at him, "there's no reason why it should be right now. After Sirius. And then with us..."

"This has nothing to do with Sirius"

"So, it's because of me then?!" She knew she scowled and seethed to cover up the hurt she really felt at the possibility that this might be true. When he didn't answer she had to squeeze her eyes shut to fight back tears. She took a deep breath before speaking again, "how long will you be there for?"

"As long as it takes" he replied in barely more than a whisper.

"So, until you get yourself killed then?!" She exploded, her attempt at calming herself down had been futile in the wake of his response. "You're ridiculous! Do you hear yourself?! This is so dangerous! Not to mention downright degrading and insensitive to everything you've worked so hard to overcome. And it's one of Greyback's packs so what does that mean? Will he actually be there? Are you really ok to look him in the eye after-"

"The dangers of war aren't lost on me. I've done this before thank you" his words were harsh but there was little venom in his voice, he seemed so resigned to his fate, but this only added to her indignation.

"You could be attacked!" she stated as if that much wasn't obvious, "if you're around other werewolves at full moon and no one's on wolfsbane then…"

"It's a possibility" he replied simply.

"So you're trying to get yourself killed Remus! Is that it? Am I that bad?! You'd rather die than be with me?!" she was too far gone now to even attempt to keep the hysteria at bay.

"Don't say it like that Dora you know that's not true"

"Well that's what you're doing!"

"Dora-"

"STOP SAYING DORA! DORA DORA DORA! I wanted you to call me that because I love you Remus, and I thought you love me, but clearly I was wrong because you'd rather get yourself killed and label it as important work so everyone will think you're a hero instead of seeing the truth that you ran away"

"I'm not trying to get myself killed, this is important"

"There are other equally important things you could do instead, and you know that"

"But I'm the only one who can do this"

"Fine. If that's not what's it's about then go, you have my blessing, but don't end it with me. Go and I'll still be here for you when you get back"

"We… can't"

They stood in silence for a moment before she exploded once again. "Remus you have no IDEA what you're doing! I love you so much, I'd do anything for you. I feel like you're ripping my heart out. Look me in the eyes, tell me you don't love me and despite all the pain I will do it, I'll walk away and leave you alone"

More silence.

"I'm not giving up on you" she practically whispered, silent tears streaming down her face now.

"You have to" he replied solemnly, "this was never going to work"

"You're wrong. If it was never going to work then why do I feel like this? Why was everything so perfect when it was just you and me behind closed doors?"

"But you can't live your whole life behind closed doors" he insisted, "the rest of the world exists"

"I don't care" she sniffed, "you're all I need"

"No, Dora" he said more firmly this time, "you could never be happy living that life, it would be terrible of me to try and make you"

"You're not making me, it's what I want"

Remus couldn't bare the turn the conversation had taken now, it was easier to deal with an angry yelling Dora than a crying Dora. His heart was hammering against his chest as though it would escape, and he didn't trust himself to keep his own emotions at bay much longer. He cleared his throat and spoke his last words without looking at her, "I have to go and run some errands. We'll have an Order meeting next week, after that you won't need to see me much again, maybe not ever. Forget about me. Move on."

And with that he walked out, without a backward glance, proud at least that he'd done one thing right. Through the excruciating pain of it all he knew he'd done right by her. He'd managed to endure the whole exchange without revealing how desperately he loved her, how he felt like he was taking a knife to his insides and cutting out a part of himself that could never be replaced. He knew that telling her any of that would only give her more reason to try and fight him and it would be cruel for him to get in the way of her living her life any more than he had already. Besides, he didn't have the right to be in pain over losing her because that beautiful breath-taking creature was never meant to be his.

He was a fool for not seeing how this would go. That he would just fall harder and harder until it ended in the inevitable excruciating pain he now felt. Sure, at first he was just amused, "a funny little thing" Sirius had called her after their first meeting. He had quickly become impressed, by her quick thinking, her skill with her wand, her unwavering work ethic and determination to always be better. And then he'd been impressed not just by her skill and intelligence and diligence but by the way she saw the world in that truly unique and beautiful way of hers, and the way she saw right through him after all his years of putting up walls.

Of course, after that how could he not be seriously smitten? How had he denied that he was for so long? But now it was more than any of that. He loved her, truly, deeply, he hadn't even really known love like this existed let alone that he himself would experience it. A love that made him willing to tear his own heart out to spare her.

He wouldn't let himself cry for her because he wasn't what was important here. Every time those tears threatened to fall, he'd remember her crumpled mangled boggart form, bloodied and covered in bite marks in Grimauld Place. He'd remember the way people crossed the streets when they saw him or the times he'd been asked to leave shops or bars. He'd imagine it was her being asked to leave, her with all her light and happiness. He'd remember all those rooms with peeling wallpaper and broken furniture riddled with doxys and mould. But instead of him lying in that bed, it was her - hair changing from pink to purple to that magnificent blue as she slept with her precious head on a moth-eaten pillow. That was what he was sparing her from, and he couldn't cry over that. Because she would be free and happy and have a magnificent life and achieve great things and that wasn't something to cry over, that was something to smile about.