Goldenfightergirl- thank you for the video recommendation, I really enjoyed it! It was interesting about all the legal issues with the accords. And yeah it'll be very interesting to see how SWORD plays out in the future.
ArtemisLuna85- Thank you! Ross sucks, so I agree that Maddi was right to stand up to him.
Maddi's "Missing Steve" Playlist:
Come Back… Be Here (2012) - Taylor Swift
Wish You Were Here (2011) - Avril Lavigne
So Far Away (1971) - Carole King
When You're Gone (2007) - Avril Lavigne
Breathe (2008) - Taylor Swift, Colbie Caillat
The One That Got Away (2010) - Katy Perry
Without You (1996) - RENT (musical)
Slipped Away (2004) - Avril Lavigne
If This Was A Movie (2010) - Taylor Swift
I'm With You (2002) - Avril Lavigne
Wide Awake (2012) - Katy Perry
Who Knew (2006) - P!nk
Haunted Acoustic Version (2010) - Taylor Swift
I Never Told You (2009) - Colbie Caillat
I Wish You Would (2014) - Taylor Swift
Keep Holding On (2007) - Avril Lavigne
I Won't Give Up (2012) - Jason Mraz
Four bonus songs that are technically not on the playlist because they were released post 2016, but I added them to the spotify playlist because they fit the vibes:
Death By A Thousand Cuts (2019) - Taylor Swift
Dream Of You (2019) by Camila Cabello
Coney island (2020) - Taylor Swift, The National
right where you left me (2020) - Taylor Swift
May 24, 2016
Over the past month, Tony had renovated a spare room at the Avengers Compound to be equipped as a fully functional hospital room that is designed for prenatal care and delivery. After making it very clear how important it was to keep my pregnancy a secret, we thought it was best for me to stay in the compound away from any of the public eye once I started showing. My doctor, Dr. Ramos, had been a blessing during the transition. She understood my situation and we worked out her coming to the compound for my check ups and eventually for my delivery. This particular visit would be when we would find out the sex of the baby. Dr. Ramos told me that she could have told me if it was a boy or girl weeks before, but I was feeling too guilty to find out without Steve.
"I know you want to wait for him, but I think you have to consider the possibility that you might be going through this entire process without him. Maybe finding out if it's a boy or girl will be a little joyous step you can celebrate even if it is without him," Tony told me when I brought it up to him. I didn't want to wait, I didn't like the idea of being surprised about it when I could find out months ahead, but I still hesitated.
This appointment I finally made the decision to just find out. I felt my heart ache at the thought of Steve missing this moment, but I pushed it aside knowing I would have to get used to him not being here for the special moments. I asked Tony to be there with me so I had someone there to hear the news with me.
"Well it looks like there isn't anything to worry about right now, your baby's heartbeat is strong and development looks great. Now, you told me on the phone that you changed your mind about waiting to find out the sex?" Dr. Ramos asked me as she turned to me. I grabbed Tony's hand and nodded.
"I have had enough surprises in my life. I don't want to wait, I would like to know now." She smiled back at me.
"Alright, well then I am happy to tell you it's a girl," she said and I let in a shaky breath.
I turned to Tony and couldn't keep the tears out of my eyes. "It's a girl," I repeated with a smile so wide my face hurt.
"I just feel kinda guilty sometimes, celebrating these things while I don't even know where he is. If he's safe."
"You're going through a lot, you're allowed to celebrate the good parts of it," he told me.
I placed my hand on my belly, I had a noticeable bump now, and I constantly found myself placing my hands there. It was comforting knowing that my baby girl was right there.
June 12, 2016
"Hey Maddi, I have something that came in the mail for you," Tony said as he walked into the living room while i was reading on the sofa. "It's from Steve," he added.
"What?" I said with surprise. I quickly put down my book and motioned him to hand it over. It was just a small letter, but my heart beat faster in anticipation.
He gave me the letter and I opened it. I don't know if Tony left the room or not because suddenly my entire focus was on what was clearly Steve's handwriting on the paper in front of me.
My Dearest, Maddi.
I wish I could be there to tell you this, you deserve better than a piece of paper, but I hope I can still do my best. I should have told you when I found out Howard and Maria's death wasn't an accident and I am so sorry I didn't. I was worried about causing you any more pain, but it wasn't right for me to keep that from you. I hope you can forgive me for this.
I saw your press statement in April. It made me smile to see you speak so surely and strongly about how you felt. Your passion for what you believe in has always been something I love about you. I have to admit that I was relieved to know that you were fighting to get me home. I hope I can come back to you one day. I thought about coming to get you, but the truth is that I was scared you wouldn't want to come with me.
I was scared that you would be disgusted by the secrets I kept or the laws I was breaking. I know now that I shouldn't have given you such little credit. Of course I still worry that I put a wedge between us, but I have faith in our love that we can work through this. We've worked through so much in the past, we've gotten through pain together and pain that we've caused each other. I truly believe that you and I can get through anything at this point. Besides, I think if lawbreaking was a dealbreaker for you, then our relationship wouldn't have made it past 1940.
I let out a small laugh at his comment. He wasn't wrong, I've overlooked him breaking the law more times than I could count but it was because I always knew he did it because he believed he was doing the right thing.
I can't come back to get you now either even though I really want to. I hope you don't hate me for that, but I need to keep protecting you even if it is from afar. Your safety is more important to me than anything else, and I can't have you on the most wanted list as well. I don't want you getting in trouble over me. I love you so much Maddi. I cannot wait to see your beautiful face again and hold you tight in my arms. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but I'll be keeping an eye on things the best I can, and I will come back if I think it's necessary, I promise.
God, I love you so much, it would take me a million pages to fully express it, but I only have this one. So I'll have to say goodbye for now and just wait to tell you in person how much that love truly is.
Your husband, the person who loves you more than anything or anyone else in the world,
Steve
I was crying by the time I finished reading the letter. I reread it a few more times and smiled sadly. I wish I could have written him back, I wish I knew where he was, I wish I could see him and tell him we were having a little girl. There were so many things I wished, but I couldn't do any of them. If anything, this letter affirmed my thoughts that if he knew we were having a baby, he would compromise himself to see us. I couldn't let that happen if it meant Ross would just throw him in a prison in the middle of the Atlantic.
I smiled knowing he was thinking about me just as much as I was thinking about him, and I smiled for the fact that he knew I was on his side when the entire world was against him. I smiled for all the love I could feel from him in just one piece of paper. I knew I had to be strong for me and for our baby girl, so I just tried to let the letter make me happy instead of sad.
July 4, 2016
Some days without Steve were harder than others. It honestly annoyed me how sad his absences made me sometimes. I went decades without him and now I can't even go a few months without having several crying sessions alone in my room. I blamed the pregnancy hormones, but I knew I'd be crying once in a while even without that. Today was certainly a harder day. Today was his birthday and I wanted to be with him.
Tony had been out of town over the weekend but was planning to come back today. He moved into the compound after Steve was gone and just the previous month Pepper had joined him. Currently there were only a few people who knew about my pregnancy. Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy were the only ones other than my doctor. Having those four the keeper of this secret reminded me of years ago when they were the only ones who knew my true identity. I knew I could trust them. I thought I would have to add Vision to that trust, but he actually no longer lived with us anymore. Shortly after Wanda escaped with Steve's help, he had left to go after her, leaving a message to apologize. Tony had no idea where he was and I internally cursed the android would have thought to take me with him to find Steve.
I had no desire to interact with Tony on Steve's birthday because I had no desire to interact with anyone. I just loudly played a soundtrack of sad music on my speaker while I laid in my bed for most of the morning and afternoon. "I Wish You Were Here" by Avril Lavigne was appropriately playing when Tony came into my room. I hadn't even noticed he got home.
"Maddi! I've got a fun surprise for you tonight! I was able to get some fireworks to be set off on the compound, I thought it would be fun if we could sit on the balcony and enjoy those with Pepe and Rhodey." In any other year that would have sounded like a nice time, but with Steve gone I didn't want to interact with anybody else.
"No thanks, Tony. I'm not feeling up to that," I said as I laid on my side hugging the pillow next to me.
"Come on, this can't be good for you. I know things could be better but I want to make you smile a bit."
"I'll smile tomorrow," I replied shortly.
"I've ordered your favorite food already, and I know Pepper has been looking forward to catching up."
"I just want to lay in bed and listen to Taylor Swift and Avril Lavigne alone," I told him as I pulled the covers over my head.
"Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll be outside." I didn't change my mind. I left to eat some food but then went straight back to my room. I heard the fireworks from my room at night, but I never went outside or even looked out the window at them. I just kept listening to sad music and reread Steve's letter to me a few times and spoke softly to my baby girl as I held my hand to my lower stomach. I promised myself that I would smile again in the morning, but some days I just needed to feel sad about it all.
The list of songs at the top of this chapter is the exact playlist that Maddi was listening to when she told Tony to leave her alone. The line she said was actually inspired by New Girl's "I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone" quote if anyone has seen that. Very funny scene and even funnier show, so I highly recommend.
And the you can find link to the Spotify playlist of all these songs Maddi lays in bed and cries to when she's missing Steve on my tumblr account, in case you ever wanted some good sad songs. I've officially decided Sad Maddi's favorite artists are naturally Avril Lavigne and Taylor Swift.
I hope you liked this chapter, I know people wanted some Steve, but this letter was the best I could do for now.