Tsunade sat at Kakashi's bedside with a grim expression on her face, deep in thought. Though her hand lay on top of his in a gesture of sincerity, her eyes remained fixated on the tile, unblinking.
He had been moved to the ICU last night, after a plethora of tests, as he'd developed acute respiratory distress that had made it distinctively harder for him to breathe, and as a consequence, circulate oxygen throughout his body. He needed specialized care, and more advanced machinery to treat and manage his condition.
"Kakashi," Tsunade spoke softly, in a soothing voice that was just a little louder than a whisper, "Wake up..."
Hesitating for a second, she slowly began to run her fingers through his silver mane, hoping to bring him some comfort, and also coax him awake. After his CT scan, Kakashi was in an understandably unbearable amount of pain due to the pressure that the excess fluid was putting on his chest, especially whenever he was laying flat on his back. So, they'd given him sedatives and started oxygen therapy, trying to ease the burden that came with existing in such a state.
At that present moment, the hokage was trying to wake him up, to tell him where he was, and what was happening to him. Because there was a good chance that he had barely any idea of what was going on.
"Kakashi?" Tsunade tried again, gently rubbing his forearm.
His neck shifted slightly towards the sound of her voice, and she could've sworn she saw his finger twitch. Patiently, she watched as his eyes sluggishly blinked open and adjusted to the light, crusted over with sleep.
Furrowing his brows, he rubbed his eyes and looked around. Taking in his surroundings, he was able to discern that he was in a different location. Somehow, the room seemed colder, even more unwelcoming.
There was a large mask covering his nose and the lower half of his face. Thick straps connected to it for support, binding the area around his forehead, and right below his ears. He felt especially exhausted, but strangely numbed of his pain, and he could hardly remember the events of the past day.
"L..Lady...Tsun...de," Kakashi rasped, his mouth dry, speech slurred. The large mask fogged up as he spoke, and his fearful, drowsy eyes locked with hers, silently asking for answers.
"It's ok, don't talk," she told him after hearing the scratchy, impaired state of his voice, "I'm sure you've noticed you're in a different room, right, Kakashi?"
He nodded shortly, his head lolling loosely in her direction.
"You're in the ICU...because you have Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. It's characterized by a rapid onset of inflammation in the lungs," Tsunade said sympathetically, placing a hand on his arm.
"We think your ongoing pneumonia may have been a big factor. The antibiotics failed to work, but I think you probably already realized that."
Kakashi just blinked detachedly, as if he was agreeing that he already knew.
"We're currently treating you with oxygen. And earlier you were put on a sedative because you were in too much pain. Do you remember allowing us to do that, Kakashi?"
He stared ahead, his thin, grey eyebrows scrunching together, and his forehead becoming tense as he tried to recall when he'd agreed to let them administer a sedative. Kakashi couldn't remember.
"It's okay," she reassured him upon noticing his distress.
She knew his confusion was obviously a bad sign, however, she also knew that being completely honest in such a situation would prove to be more harmful than helpful.
"Am I going to die soon?" he brought out in a huff, unaware of the sharp edge to his words.
She sighed at his lack of tact, averting her eyes and retracting her touch. Maybe it was her who couldn't handle the idea of Kakashi's death- maybe he himself was ready.
In truth, Kakashi's life was in imminent danger; for him to survive ARDS with two cancers would definitely be a feat. As much as she wanted to give him his answer, at the same time, she knew there was a shred of hope left, with the research Shizune and her were doing as of late.
"Your condition is... bad, Kakashi," Tsunade began carefully, "It's important that you don't stress your body, or your mind...I think starting oxygen therapy was the right choice, for now..."
Kakashi suddenly grasped her forearm, unable to hear anymore of her inane euphemisms.
He knew everything was different, and he felt as if the major aspects of his personality and livelihood had withered away, to the point where he couldn't even fathom talking to any of his comrades. He was no longer Kakashi Hatake- he was an empty shell, devoid of a spirit, or any valuable thoughts to contribute to society.
He no longer felt the need to eat, and practically slept more than he was awake. His limbs were growing cold, and he was unable to sustain his breathing on his own. It was obvious that he didn't have much time left. Was it not to Tsunade?
"It's ok...t-tell the truth," Kakashi breathed. She could feel the fingers grasping her arm trembling, yet his facial expression lacked any fear. In fact, he was rather calm.
Tsunade shook her head, and put her hand atop his shaky one, hoping to bring some warmth to his icy skin. When she turned her gaze back up towards him, her hazel eyes were watering with tears.
"Yes, Kakashi. You might pass away soon."
Although it was a truth that was familiar to both of them, it still hung heavy in the air. The hokage still remembered when she'd first promised him he would get through this, that he was going to get better no matter what. It hadn't even been a year yet. She wasn't ready to let go of that.
He was too okay with dying. Before, he'd been so distraught.
Kakashi smiled softly, exhaling deeply and shifting his gaze towards the ceiling. He was glad that such a long battle was finally coming to a close. There was no more lingering pain or regret in his tired heart; he was prepared to move on to the next life.
"Lady Tsunade," he spoke with surprising clarity, exhaling deeply, "If something happens, which it will...I don't want anyone to resuscitate me."
Although she was the one who'd encouraged him to consider 'DNR', at that moment, she couldn't disagree with the decision more.
"Kakashi...I can understand why you would want that. But what if I told you there was another way?"
He just blinked, watching her silently as he waited for her to continue speaking.
"Listen, a while ago, I discovered that you have a...mutation in your chakra- It's thicker, quite viscous, and disproportionately white," she explained in simple terms, "Shizune and I think there's a chance that the unproliferated growth of the cells involved in your cancer could've been activated by your abnormal chakra."
Kakashi's eye widened, his mind recalling how his mother had told him in her letter that she didn't actually think she had cancer.
"But there's also the possibility that it could be a disease in its own right; Perhaps, the chakra in question is actually what your tumor is composed of. We'd need to do a biopsy to investigate that."
Tentatively, she looked to him for a reaction, wondering if he would actually agree to something like a biopsy.
"What?" Kakashi croaked. Behind his mask, his mouth was agape- he didn't know what this information meant for him, or if it could even help his chance at surviving at this point.
Mother was right, then...It isn't cancer.
"Kakashi...If I were to find a treatment, would you be willing to take it?" Tsunade questioned, hoping deeply that he wouldn't be as stubborn as he'd shown in the past.
His gaze shifted to the outline of his legs in the blankets, becoming downcast and pensive. It was strange; before he'd felt a need to cling on to the world of the living, but now, it felt like he'd developed somewhat of an attachment to death. He felt dissociated, completely detached from the idea of recovering and becoming a shinobi like he once was.
It felt like nothing mattered.
Through his adversities, he had learned that his devotion to his job, and pretty much anything else in his life, was ultimately void. There was no special reason he was born- there was no reason humans were put on the Earth, either. Life was just like a disease, naturally evolving, branching off and giving way to new species, some of which became extinct over time, while others survived, having adapted to their environment. The culmination of people was no exception.
If people thread goals and aspirations into the fabric of their being, then they can create purpose, and survive. However, he was afraid he didn't have any left. There was nothing that would make him want to continue living.
Sure, he had comrades that he cared about, who also loved him. But that wasn't enough to wear away how ready he was to die.
"You okay?" she started gently, observing his intense, unblinking stare, and his failure to respond.
"I...I don't know. I need more time to think," he said finally, releasing an audible sigh.
Tsunade nodded slowly, a line forming between her furrowed brows. She couldn't help but become a bit anxious at his answer, and the look in his eyes; it was clear to her that his judgement was somewhat impaired.
"That's ok. We can talk about this again another day."