trigger warning

Chapter Thirty-Three: Lie, Remus, Lie

Professor McGonagall took a deep breath, looking over the occupants of the room, before settling her gaze directly on Professor Dumbledore. "Mr. Black has informed me that he believes Mr. Lupin is both suicidal and self-harming."

The twinkle left Dumbledore's eyes. "I see," he said gravely. "And has this been confirmed?"

"It has not."

They both turned to Remus. He was panicking. He had put the layers of glamours back on, and in his panic, his accidental magic had been weaving more and thicker layers on top of them. He hoped that no one would notice that they were there.

"Mr. Lupin?" asked Professor McGonagall softly. Remus didn't move. "Remus?"

Dumbledore sat back in his chair and frowned. He looked 50 years older. His blue eyes were sad, and he looked utterly defeated. He had failed. He had one job: to keep the students safe. And he couldn't even keep them safe from themselves.

Remus thought he might be sick. He felt his stomach churning with anxiety and fear and self-loathing. The glamour charms continued to weave layers on top of each other on his wrist.

He knew Dumbledore would probably be able to tell there were glamour charms on his arm. He had long since covered up the scars. He shakily wiped his hands on his pants; they were sweaty and trembling. Another layer done. He wasn't even consciously doing it anymore. It was his accidental magic, spurred on by the absolute terror he felt at the idea of being discovered.

"Mr. Lupin?" asked Dumbledore softly.

Remus glanced up at him.

"Is this true?"

Lie, Remus, lie. He shook his head.

Sirius let out a strangled noise. "Please, Remy," he whispered.

Professor McGonagall sighed. "Mr. Lupin, please, I need you to cooperate."

Remus was crying now. He didn't even bother trying to stop the tears; they just kept coming. He needed to get out of there so badly. Fuck. He needed to do something, anything, to stop the voices and the pain. As soon as he got out of the office, he would do something. It didn't matter anymore.

"Remus, please?" asked Madam Pomfrey softly.

Remus shook his head and curled in on himself even more, hugging himself tightly. He was shaking and crying and just wanted to die. Get out of here get out of here get out of here. He needed to get out of here. He needed to be alone. He needed to cut. He needed to die.

Madam Pomfrey looked sadly at McGonagall and Dumbledore. "I'm not a trained mental health professional," she said. "Especially if he's in crisis and won't cooperate."

"Remus?" asked Professor McGonagall softly. "Can you just answer if we ask you questions?"

He considered this, then shrugged. He could lie. If the glamours worked, then they wouldn't be able to tell. It was his word against Sirius and Lily's, and they had no way of proving him wrong. He just prayed the charms did their job.

"Do you want to die?" Madam Pomfrey asked, her voice hesitant, barely audible.

Remus shook his head. Sirius grimaced a little bit and looked over at Lily. They appeared to be having some sort of mental conversation. It was probably about him.

"Are you self-harming?"

Again, Remus shook his head. He knew they would ask to see his arms. He was practically vibrating with anxiety. They needed to work. They needed to work. They needed to work. He saw the glance that the professors all exchanged.

After a long moment, Madam Pomfrey spoke again. "Can I see your arms?"

Remus froze for a brief second, although he had been expecting the question. He knew if he didn't let them, it would basically be confirmation. So, he shrugged noncommittally.

"Can you roll up your sleeves, please, Remus? Both of them?"

Remus pushed up his right sleeve and displayed the pale skin. He had never cut on that arm. He took a deep breath, murmured a quick prayer, and rolled up his left sleeve. It was just as unmarred as his other arm. The professors all seemed satisfied, though perhaps a tiny bit suspicious.

"Remus," breathed Sirius.

If he said anything, Remus was going to kill him. Actually, he was going to kill himself. He pushed his sleeves back down. He was so close. They couldn't say anything. He needed to get away with this. He wouldn't be able to survive if the professors knew his secrets. They would lock him up, put him on suicide watch, never let him out of their sight. It would literally be the death of him. He glared at Sirius, silently begging him to stay quiet.

In Sirius's eyes, Remus could see how torn he was. He desperately wanted to tell them, to get Remus the help that he so clearly needed. On the other hand, he didn't want to betray Remus. He didn't want Remus to hate him. He couldn't seem to make up his mind about whether or not to say anything.

As it turns out, he didn't have to. "He's using glamour charms," Lily blurted out.

Remus turned to her. "Why?" he mouthed. It was all just fucking betrayal. She wouldn't look at him, but was staring straight at Professor McGonagall.

Madam Pomfrey gestured to Remus's sleeves. He rolled them up again. He didn't care at this point. It would all be over soon. And then it wouldn't matter who had seen because everyone would know.

The nurse waved her wand over his wrists. Nothing happened. She frowned, then repeated the action. Still, there was nothing. She turned to Dumbledore and motioned to Remus helplessly.

The older man waved his wand slowly. Remus held his breath, expecting for the charms to disappear and reveal the heavily scarred skin. Except, nothing happened. Holy fuck. Dumbledore was the most powerful wizard. How had they not vanished?

"Accidental magic," Sirius muttered. He looked at Lily. She nodded.

"My memories, Professor," she said. "Memories don't lie."

Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged a glance. "I'm afraid that's extremely unethical and illegal, Ms. Evans," he said gravely. "Though, I appreciate your willingness to help your friend." He looked back to Remus. "Mr. Lupin, I'm afraid we all know what you're hiding. Would you please drop the glamour charms?"

Remus shrugged. He didn't care anymore. He had nothing left to lose. He dropped the glamour charms, revealing layers upon layers of scars, criss-crossed with new, bright red cuts.

A/N:

new chapter go brrrr

i found out today that my school's quarter ends next week. i have so many missing assignments. and the worst part is i don't even care at this point. i'm so fucking numb. i need to get them done tho, even if it doesn't matter. that was part of why i didn't turn them in, because i figured that it wouldn't matter. but i'm still fucking here so i have to do them. i think i'm going to pull an all-nighter tonight to get them done. it's currently 8:25 and i haven't started

take care, you're all amazing, drink some water, i'm so proud of you. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn