Drowning. It was as painful as people described. You couldn't comprehend how your lungs felt so full of liquid yet so on fire. Contorting and wrenching your body to escape was futile. The silver water would not yield.
Pushing your hands into the side of the bowl you tried with your last effort to break free but it was too much. Vision blurry and legs fumbling underneath you, you succumbed to the pulling force of the Pensieve as it engulfed your entire body until you were sinking further and further into a vast expanse of nothingness. The pain was gone and euphoria ran through your veins as silver wisps swam across your vision.
"The memories will always be yours," Albus's voice rang out from the abyss below.
A wisp frantically buzzed around your head, then shot off, then came back. You weren't sure how you knew but it wanted you to follow. Kicking your legs and parting the silver water you began swimming after it. It felt effortless as it lead you down deeper until the silver hue of the water was disappearing into the blackness. But you had been deceived. It knotted itself around your body, lengthening itself to first tie down your arms and then force your legs together. No amount of fight could stop it, and as much as you thrashed and writhed, it seemed to do nothing.
The euphoria dissolved back into agonising, crushing pain. Everything hurt and you knew at that moment all the fight was gone. Letting the pain completely take your body, you gave up, for the final time.
"Your anger will solve nothing but use it if you must." Your grandmother's words wrenched you forward just as your vision blurred.
Panting for air, you frantically pushed and hit at whatever was on your body; it was too heavy and suffocating and you needed it off of you.
"ARGH FUCK!" Severus' yelled beside you in the darkness as you sat up and brought your knees to your chest.
Gasping for more air, you rested your forehead onto your knees and tried to steady the panic in your lungs. The Pensieve dreams were becoming far too intense.
"Y/n," Severus groaned, his nose aching and the taste of warm copper at his lips.
The bedroom was rid of its darkness as the candles flickered to life. Severus was holding his wand in one hand, nose in the other. Raising your head to his muffled moans, you saw the blood around his wrist. The tears that had already formed in your eyes broke their barrier and ran down your face at the sight of it. You've hurt him.
"I'm sorry," you whimpered, furiously rubbing at the unwanted pearls of shame. Reaching for your wand, you faced him, concerned and guilt-ridden.
"Here, let me fix it," you offered as you shuffled closer to his side.
He carefully lowered his hand, a crimson mess marred his pale features and you had to bite back more tears. Feeling terrible but desperate to fix what you had done, you inhaled deeply to stop any more outbursts of emotion. Aiming your wand, you saw the look of concern in Severus' eyes. Was that fear? Did he not trust you to do it?
"Episkey."
Severus groaned loudly and pushed his head back, as an uncomfortable rush of heat burned through his nostrils, stemming the bleed. The next incantation came quickly.
"Tergeo."
The blood was wiped clean from his face and hand in a few seconds. It looked like it had never happened. Severus had black sheets so you weren't sure if there was any on there, but that was the least of your worries.
"Thank you," he whispered, his nose still tingling. His eyes had welled with tears from the blow and he wiped those away with the pads of his fingers. Now that was over he was going to have to tell you and you weren't going to be pleased.
"Was it the same one?" He asked first, beginning to stroke the fading scars on your left hand. They didn't bother him, except that they were a reminder of a time he'd prefer to forget.
"Yeah," you swallowed down the thick feeling in your throat. "You were on top of me when I woke up and I was confused, I lashed out. I'm sorry, Sev, I'm so sorry. It...you just felt suffocating."
"It's okay," he soothed as he looked into watery eyes he did not recognise, "With a nose this big it was inevitable."
You mustered a chuckle for his sake, knowing he was doing his best to cheer you up. It was no secret that he had little appreciation for his larger than average nose.
"Your nose is lovely," you replied.
"Y/n," he said nervously and then paused, biting at his bottom lip. "It's happened again, darling."
Closing your eyes and turning from him, you scooted off the bed and padded to his bathroom. Severus let out a long sigh as he watched you walk away, readying himself for how you might react this time. His eyes fluttered closed with achy tiredness but were soon brought back to life at your angered complaint.
"Fucking fuck!" You shouted as you looked at yourself, hitting the rim of the sink hard with your hand.
"Ow, you Motherfuc...urgh!" You bounced up and down like a small child having a tantrum, juddering the angered energy from your limbs.
Calming your body and closing your eyes again, you willed them to change back, you didn't want to look like this, look like him. Severus' warm, reassuring arms wrapped around you and you timed your breathing to his, slumping into his bare chest.
"Open your eyes, Y/N." He whispered, his left cheek resting gently alongside your right.
The lids of your eyes lifted to allow sapphire and emerald to meet onyx in the reflection of the mirror. Severus' arms tightened.
"You don't have to hide it from me." He reassured.
"I told you, it's embarrassing. Not having control over my body or my mind."
Severus had noticed the secret that only you, Stephanie, and Albus knew of. In hindsight, you don't know why you thought you'd be able to keep it from him. It was pretty obvious for someone you now shared a large portion of your life with when your blasted eyes shifted colour. He hadn't appreciated the secrecy and it had caused a rather loud disagreement between the two of you because he had caught glimpse of it once, apparently, and thought he was going mad.
Once you had both calmed down, he tried for hours to turn them back. Succeeding once, only for them to revert almost immediately. The process baffled you both, as after more hours, they were back to the familiar eyes that Severus had fallen in love with.
"You've nothing to be embarrassed about." He reassured you and then kissed your cheek, "Come on, back to bed with you."
"I think I'm going to go back to my room," you replied, fearful you were going to fall back into a nightmare and do something even worse. Next time it might not just be a bloodied nose, you worried.
"You'll be doing no such thing." Severus did not enjoy sleeping alone anymore, he didn't want to waste an evening with you because of an accident.
Sighing, you didn't have the energy for another argument. Finally, you were going to succumb to his wishes. "Then I'll take the dreamless sleep. I don't want to risk hurting you again."
Severus had been trying to get you to take it for weeks, along with extra painkillers for the headaches that had crept their way back in but you were reluctant. Relying on the potion for your leg was enough for you.
"Don't worry about me but I am glad you'll take it."
Severus himself partook in the consumption from time to time, usually, if he was alone for the night, so he already had it brewed and waiting in his bedroom.
Wrapped up in Severus and protected by the powerful effect of the potion, you slept soundly for the rest of the night.
Through your tired eyes, it looked like day-to-day life had become surprisingly quiet for most at Hogwarts. Unbelievably, the most exciting event through February and much into mid-March was Lockhart's Valentine's Day furor, which had put a few pupils in the infirmary. Nothing too severe; just split lips and broken hearts.
As best you tried, you had been spending less and less time in the infirmary with the petrified boys. Extra evening patrols, mixed with sleep deprivation and time for Severus meant week-nights were a bust. The warmer weather brought about more pupils leaving the common rooms for outdoor pursuits at the weekend. As the newest, youngest, and least experienced teacher at the school, you were often lumped with making sure they were behaving themselves, and of course, waking up with Severus in your bed usually meant a few distracted hours before you both surfaced.
Leg twitching, eyes staring blankly at the meeting points in front of you, you thought about those poor petrified boys losing months and months of their youth. Charity nudged your foot with her own, waking your glassy gaze. She looked at you sympathetically, clearly just as bored as you were. You mouthed, 'thank you', straightened up, and reached for your cup of coffee, head starting to ache. Late-night meetings were the worst; you had a stomach full of food and Albus's office was always very warm. Naturally, the combination made you sleepy; even after a week of taking dreamless sleep, your body had not caught up with the sleep it had lost.
"Now, exam season will be upon us before we know it. I have received forecasted grades from all subjects," Albus said as he rifled through a file of parchments, "but I am missing Dark arts. Gilderoy, do you have those?"
Half an hour to reach this portion of the meeting and you could see four more points to consider before Albus would release you all.
"Hmmm?" Lockhart murmured, he hadn't been paying the slightest bit of attention. Every time you glanced in his direction you could tell he was more away with the fairies than you had been. Half an hour and now Lockhart was going to slow it down further.
"Predicted grades." He repeated, looking over his small spectacles. "Do you have them for me?"
Lockhart wiggled in his seat, avoiding the accusatory stares of the rest of the teaching staff. They all wanted to go about their evenings.
"Oh, er, Y/N, did you sort those?" He asked sheepishly.
Eyes drew to you as you sipped the last of your coffee and Merlin was it needed. You had a feeling he would do this.
"If you recall, Gilderoy," you licked the last remnant of coffee from your lip and didn't even bother to disguise the terseness in your tone, - "I reminded you at the beginning of last week to send those through to Albus. You have done them haven't you?"
Of course, he hasn't and he'll get away with it too. As he always does.
The fumbling of his words as he pieced together an incoherent sentence gave you the answer you needed. Albus, too.
"Well, I can't say I didn't expect this, so I took the liberty of collating it myself." Taking a folder from your bag you stood and stretched over the table to give it to Albus. Not missing the smirk on Severus' face. That's my witch, he thought.
Lockhart was crimson cheeked and suddenly uncharacteristically quiet, as were the rest of the staff. Minerva and Pomona had heard you gripe about him enough so both women looked rather pleased. But you didn't feel it. Even if you had triumphed in making him look an idiot and proving to everyone he was useless, it didn't make you feel better. It made you angrier because he had been getting away with being so lazy off your back. Picking up the slack for him had become a natural reaction because someone had to be there for the students.
"Thank you, y/n." Albus poured over the grades quickly.
The rest of the room remained silent, aside from Severus' tapping fingers. It was his tell. His declaration of annoyance. Severus was itching to say something but you were doing just fine by yourself; he was ready if needed though.
Pomona, ever the resolver of issues, spoke up.
"The mandrakes are growing well, we've not lost any yet" she smiled as she talked, directing her speech at all those present, - "so I imagine the full batch will reach maturity within, I'd say 6 to 8 weeks. We can finally get those poor boys out of the infirmary. However, Argus has been paying me increased visits in regards to them; the poor man won't be pacified. Maybe you could have a word with him, Albus? Or you, Severus?"
The last thing Severus wanted to have was a heart to heart with Filch about his rigid feline but he nodded his acknowledgment at the suggestion. He was sure you'd push him to do it, eventually.
"What are we doing about the situation?" You asked, all skittish eyes now on you again. Severus could tell you were pissed off still and he was about to steer the conversation in another direction but Minerva questioned your response first.
"What do you mean? We still have extra patrols and curfews." She offered.
"Yes, but that's defensive, why are we not being more proactive in finding who or what is responsible? We have a great explorer on our staff who has yet to lift a finger. What is it? Is it not book-worthy?" You aimed at Lockhart, who avoided your questions and your eye contact.
"The rest of our resources and powers used together can't resolve it? So we continue to cower?" You pushed, angering yourself as you questioned your fellow Professors.
Lockhart mustered up the courage from somewhere and hit back at you, "We also have a talented Auror, who has yet to lift a finger if I am correct."
Your eyes widened, Lockhart had finally located his balls, and for him, it was very poor timing. "Just say the word. I don't want to have to sit with any more petrified students whilst they lay forgotten about in the infirmary. I'll even let you come with me, if you like, let's see your magic show! I've read all about it but I've yet…."
"That's enough you two!" Albus warned. "We are monitoring the situation. There hasn't been an attack for months, the heavy patrols are preventing that from happening. Everyone is perfectly safe."
"Sounds like we're sitting ducks to me." You retorted.
Filius averted his gaze and Charity shuffled nervously in her chair next to you but it didn't distract from the intense glares you were sending at both Albus and Lockhart.
"Y/n, I am not in the business of putting my staff in danger, chasing their tails over who knows what." Albus's usual calming tones had risen to a level of annoyance rarely heard.
"It's just your pupils you're willing to let suffer then?" You scoffed then quickly stiffened. Shit. What were you thinking?
"Y/N!" Severus's voice sent you a warning. Stop it. At that moment he desired more than ever to be able to make the connection with you. Calm you without anyone else's knowledge.
Was Severus taking Albus's side? Of all the people in this room and he was pulling you up? You stood, collected your bag from the floor, and left before you said anything else as equally reckless. You didn't dare meet Severus' eye, for fear you might break in front of the entire room.
The door slamming shut made Trelawney jump as if she had missed the spectacle completely and Severus knew he should go after you but he stopped himself.
"She's not been the same since the accident," Minerva said worriedly.
"And you don't help," she continued, pointing at Lockhart. "We all know how much work you put on her shoulders, and I'm sorry Albus, but it's downright wrong. I don't want to hear of it happening anymore. Sort yourself out, Gilderoy!"
Minerva stood and looked to Albus, "I think this meeting is over. Severus come with me?"
It wasn't really a question, he knew he was going because he knew better than to ignore Minerva when she was irate.
"Very well," Albus conceded, "Gilderoy, we need to have a word."
Lockhart smiled nervously and remained seated; not one sympathetic look was thrown his way as he was left alone in Albus' silent office.
Feet hitting the corridor floors in unison, Severus waited for Minerva to speak. She pulled him into a nearby classroom and closed the door loudly behind him. It almost made him jump.
"Go find her. Apologise," she said sternly.
"Apologise?" Severus asked. The surprise in his timbre difficult to mask.
"Yes, I know it's not something you're particularly practiced at, but you owe her one. She needed you in there." The elder Professor shrilled at him. In many ways, you were like a daughter and she would not let anyone hurt you. Not any more.
"She likes to fight her own battles, Minerva. Trust me." Severus argued.
"And trust me as a woman, we are strong and Y/n will argue down any man, woman, or beast but that doesn't mean we don't need propping up from time to time. Instead, you barked at her, in front of us all." Her gaze was hard as she stared at Severus.
"What was I supposed to do?" He asked sighing and pinching the top of his nose, his head felt full, pressurised.
"Maybe if you stopped hiding her away you wouldn't feel the need to stay so silent. I understand you're both private people, but why are you so reluctant to admit that you're in a relationship? If you're going to hurt her again, then..."
"I am not going to hurt her, Minerva." Severus interrupted. He closed his eyes briefly, looked up, and exhaled his frustrations into the evening chill. "I'll come to find you if I need you."
Severus left the dim classroom. Minerva followed but stopped and watched his robes soar as he pounded down the stone floors, feeling somewhat sorry for the man. She knew he was no expert when it came to relationships, having never seen him in one, or even talk about a partner. Severus was secretive though, so she couldn't be sure.
Thoroughly riled up as you made your way back to your quarters, you slammed your door with all the force the flick of your hand could manage. The old wood creaked in response. You threw your bag on the floor, kicked off your shoes, and struggled out of your robes, which raised the heat in your body as it snagged on your shirt. You hated robes.
A shower would cool you off and at least you could hide your angered tears in the falling of the water. Severus taking Albus's side was a blow to your chest. A heavy blow.
Stripping off your clothes, you were crying before you could make it to the shower. Crumpling your clothes, you threw them in the corner and moved to your sink to wash the makeup off your face before showering.
Your heart stopped.
Seeing him there, in your own eyes, the silver running through hair. You lost it. The shards of mirror scattered over the white porcelain sink and the floor around it. Your fist stung and you sucked air in through your teeth before scanning the damage. Small shards of glass stuck into your knuckles and a few shallow cuts etched along the top of your hand.
Your door flung open as you entered your living area to retrieve your wand from your discarded robes. Severus. His eyes widened at the sight of you in your underwear, red-faced, tears in your eyes, and a bloodied knuckle. Severus immediately panicked at the sight of your blood, something he never wanted to see again. His body tense and clammy he wasn't sure what to do first.
"Get out," you yelled, chest rising and falling in quick bursts. Not only were you not ready to deal with him yet, you also didn't want him to see you in such a state. But he just closed the door and removed his wand from his robes, his hand shaking.
"I can do it myself," you assured stroppily but he put his body in front of yours to stop you from getting to your robes.
"Move." You commanded.
"No. Sit down, I'm getting the.." he looked at your hand, with a better vantage now, "what I presume is your mirror, out of your hand."
You tried to get around him, the pain no longer bothering you, but he halted your destination again.
Severus didn't often manhandle you, ever actually, not since your meeting in the corridors that one late night. He could be rough during sex but that was different. He grabbed your arm tightly and pulled you to your sofa, blood dripping onto the floor as you stumbled and sat. Huffing indignantly, you pulled away from him.
"You don't always have to be Miss independent you know," he admonished as he took your wrist, far more gently than he grabbed your arm. Severus' hand was warm and slightly slick with sweat.
"You're such an arsehole," you replied and looked away from him as he began removing the glass from your hand.
He scoffed, "Yes, such an arsehole for wanting to take care of you."
"I don't need you to take care of me."
"If that were the case, you wouldn't be so irate with me." He insisted as he began to fix your hand.
The pain made you wince and bite down, no longer able to argue. Each small shard grazed your skin more as they were unwedded from your knuckles. Severus tried to be as gentle as he could, but the slight tremor that ran through his hand made it difficult. Biting down on your lip you clamped your eyes shut as he pulled out the largest remnant.
Severus pulled your lip from your teeth once it was out. "Stop that, or I'll be fixing a broken lip, too."
The feel of his hand against your face betrayed your anger as you softened into his touch but you quickly fidgeted out from it before it overtook you. Knowing that you were somewhat helpless to his gentler side, you wouldn't allow him to win you over that easily.
The pieces of broken mirror out, he closed up the cuts and cleaned the blood off your hand and leg; ignoring how you had spurned his touch. That was expected, he thought. He pulled the draped blanket off the back of the sofa and wrapped it around your shoulders.
"I'm going to the Pensieve," you said confidently, pulling the blanket closely to your chest, "I'm tired of all of this and I want to know what has happened to me to kee…"
"We're not discussing this again. I won't let you torture yourself with those memories." He interrupted. Severus couldn't have this argument with you again. Every time you saw yourself changed you would want to run to the Pensieve.
"Torture myself? Look at me, Severus. And frankly, it's really not your decision to make." You argued. Who did he think he was all of sudden? You didn't need anyone to make decisions for you.
"As sickening as it all is, your Grandmother showed you great mercy doing what she did. There are many people out there who would do anything to have their traumas removed. To do away with their pain. Don't ruin the sacrifices she made for you, y/n."
You looked up to him then, "Like you? You want to forget everything?"
He laughed bitterly and sucked his teeth, "No. Not like me. I deserve to remember."
Godric, you hated when he spoke like that but in your selfishness, you had no capacity to ease him down from his self-hatred tonight. "I'm going to shower and go to bed, if this hasn't changed by morning you won't see me at breakfast and someone will have to tell Lockhart to cover my classes."
"What do you mean? I won't see you at breakfast? You're still going to send me away?" He asked worriedly. Severus did not want you to expel him from your presence, not like this.
You sighed. Severus had separation anxiety, that much was clear, your Grandmother said it was something you suffered from as a child. It was always difficult to tell him you needed space, both on him and on you. It made you feel cold-hearted.
"You made me feel like a fool Severus. I needed you in there and all you did was silence me."
"For your own good. As hard as it may be, we have to hold our tongues from time to time. You should know that." He countered, his voice becoming colder as his worry grew.
He was right, of course, you knew as soon as it left your mouth it was a mistake, but your emotional state was telling you he should support you, no matter how stupid you were being.
"Well, unlike you, I'm not infallible." You stood and he quickly followed.
"I do not pretend to be perfect. Don't act as if I do. I know you needed me. I've already been read the riot act from Minerva. I'm sorry I couldn't be. Maybe if we were no longer hiding our relationship? Maybe that could help." He offered.
"Couldn't or wouldn't?" You asked as your hand rested on your hip. "And did Minerva help you come up with that?"
"She mentioned it but it.."
"I'm going to shower, make sure you're not here when I get out, please." You spoke over him. Of course, it would be Minerva's idea. The words hurt your heart but you needed to be alone, you hated yourself like this and you didn't want to exact your anger on him any longer.
"Y/n, please.."
Severus' face crumped, his eyes darkened and lips pursed; he was going to continue his protests but you were turned away from him and entering the bathroom before he even had a chance. He contemplated ignoring your request and being there when you returned, to resolve the argument but he knew it would lead to an even bigger one. With heavy shoulders and an even heavier heart, he left and returned to his own quarters.
Minerva watched as Severus paced her living quarters, a tumbler of Fire-whiskey in one hand, the other tightly clenched. He was going to wear a hole in her rug if he carried on for much longer.
"Severus. Sit down." She finally commanded. He looked at her, scornful and slightly tipsy but eventually obeyed his former teacher. He's never changed, Minerva thought to herself.
"Do you think I should go to her?" He asked.
"Of course I do. I don't even know why you're here and not there, to be honest."
"She sent me away." He replied bluntly.
Minerva rolled her eyes, she didn't have time for him to be moping in front of her when he could clearly go and clear up this whole mess. She'd already been witness to his sulking all day.
"She sent you away yesterday evening." She sighed.
"Yes, well just because she let you in doesn't mean she'll let me in. She's…" Severus paused, did he really want to reveal so much of himself to Minerva? But the alcohol pushed his hesitation aside. "She's never turned me away before."
"And Severus Snape does not like to be ignored," Minerva replied, a brow raised high above her glasses.
He remained staring at the floor, his arm resting on her comfortable reading seat, and his forlorn head resting in his hand. Oh, how he looked like the poor boy who used to watch Lily Evans flit off with James Potter. Minerva's own memories of those times softened her.
"She was a state this morning, it...her…" Minerva waved at her eyes, "when it hadn't changed back. I had no idea it was even happening."
"A lot of odd things have been happening to her," Severus admitted sadly.
"Even so, she asked if I'd seen you and if you were okay. Albus has sorted it for now but he said he'd felt the same fight in her before. They've patched up as best they can if that's any consolation. Albus understands her worries. Y/n was just relieved she hadn't been sacked."
Severus "hmmph'd" at the mention of Albus.
"I won't say any more, other than take your stinking Fire whiskey out of my quarters, shower, and make it up with y/n."
Severus' shocked eyes lifted to Minerva, she was a blunt woman but he wasn't quite expecting that blunt.
"Please." She finished and then smiled.
Severus did just that.
"Severus...hi," you said shyly as you opened your door further to allow him access to the quarters you had kicked him out of over 24 hours ago.
He remained silent which made you nervous, you had no energy to fight with him, in fact, all you wanted to do was pull him into your bedroom and curl under the duvet with him. You would not allow it though, there were things to be discussed before those luxuries could be had. By either of you.
Expecting a huge stand-off of your stubborn heads, you were surprised that the first thing Severus uttered was an apology.
"I will endeavour to do better for you," he continued, "and as much as it loathes me to admit, I will likely get it wrong more times than I'd like. I am not perfect and I...I still don't always know what I am doing."
The day off had given you ample time to calm down, though Albus's struggle with the cloaking spell had left you with a feeling of dread you could not misplace.
"Do you want me to leave?" He asked when you didn't reply, a subtle shake in his voice, for Severus feared the answer might be yes.
"No...no I don't want you to leave." You replied, equally as stunted. "I...I made a mistake last night, Severus because I was scared of myself."
The floor below your feet creaked as you shuffled from foot to foot gently, your body in need of anchoring. "Can I touch you, Severus?"
His heart filled, not bothering to answer you in words, Severus practically threw himself at you. He held you tightly to his chest as he buried his face into your hair. It needed to be washed but Severus did not care, he would take care of that soon enough.
Severus pulled back to look into your eyes but remained in your arms.
"I wish I knew what was going on up here still." He admitted for the first time since the severing of your connection.
"I could open to you." You replied.
"It wouldn't be the same though, would it?"
With a sad shake of your head, you dropped your eyes from his. "I'm sorry for sending you away."
Severus lifted your chin with his index finger, "I hate it but I will do my utmost to respect your wishes and as much as you are strong, you will sometimes need me and I am more than happy to be needed by you."
He watched your eyes water and worked quickly to dispose of the tears before they marred your warm cheeks.
"Come with me," he whispered and then lead you from your quarters, into his and then to his bathroom.
He removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves, something he only did in front of you. You caught a glimpse of yourself in his mirror and weren't shocked he was beginning to run you a bath, you looked pretty rough. Since your increased sleepovers in his quarters, Severus had begun making sure there was always bubble bath on hand for you. You didn't ask and he hadn't said, but you noticed it.
He walked up behind you as you stared down at your hands resting on the rim of the sink. "May I?"
Raising your head, you saw he wanted to begin undressing you, "Of course."
Turning he released the buttons on your pyjama shirt, then pushed it over your shoulders. He discarded it into the corner of the room and then held both your hands up. One scarred, the other smooth and without injury. "What happened last night?"
The feel of his thumbs stroking over your hands coaxed the answer out of you. "I was angry. At Lockhart, Albus...and you. By the time I got back to my quarters, I had done what I always do and riled myself. When I saw myself, it got too much. It was like my anger turned me into him."
Severus kissed both hands and if he had not been holding them you knew they would be shaking.
"Don't hurt yourself again." Because I cannot bear it. His voice was soft but authoritative and Severus did his best to dispel the annoyance he felt over your actions.
Nodding you lifted your arms for him to finish undressing you. He removed the white tank top, then laced his fingers into the top of your pyjama trousers and underwear. He ran a hand over the bathwater, assuring it was the perfect temperature, and then guided you in.
Severus sat with you the entire time; he washed your hair and then watched with his chin on the side of the bathtub as you closed your eyes, letting the water soothe your body. Slowly he allowed himself to feel contented again.
Working late had become routine, if you were with Severus you'd succumb to him taking you to bed and then often rise again when he was sleeping. Sex made him sleep like the dead and you were abstaining from the dreamless sleep as much as you could. Things had been better the past few weeks and Severus had brought up on more than one occasion that the two of you should at least make the rest of the teaching staff aware of your relationship. No protests were met from you but he had yet to actually reveal the secret to anyone.
The sudden sharp flicker of your candles signified a change in the room, you raised your slumped head from your desk to see Minsy, standing near the entrance to your room, head down.
"Minsy, is everything okay? What are you doing here this late?" You asked, placing your quill in its holder and standing from your seat.
The house-elves eyes were downcast and she messed with a folder behind her back, "Miss, I am very sorry, Minsy would not come if Minsy did not feel it was important."
"It's okay, Minsy, you don't need to worry. I'm not mad." You soothed as you knelt down to match her height better. Your knees were not impressed but you didn't want to tower over her.
"Miss is too kind." She said as she finally raised her gaze to you.
Your own curious eyes moved to what lay behind Minsy's back. "What do you have behind your back, Minsy?"
Stepping closer and lowering her voice to a whisper, Minsy asked, "Does Miss promise to keep a secret?"
"I have enough secrets Minsy…"
Far out of character, the house-elf cut you off. "This one is supposed to be important, Miss. Minsy does not understand but Minsy is told by her friend that it is very important. They gave it to me to give to you, Miss."
You tried to think who she may be referring to but you quickly drew a blank. "A friend of a friend? Minsy, I don't know any other house-elves that well."
"No, but you know Harry Potter and Miss has been kind to Harry Potter. His friend takes care of him, Minsy takes care of you."
Who does Harry Potter know? You thought. She handed you the folder slowly, a hesitation as it passed from her frail hands into your own larger ones.
"Minsy is worried, Miss. Is Miss in danger? My friend works for a rotten house." Her high-pitched voice was laced with worry and her concern for you touched you deeply.
"Who?" You asked softly.
"Minsy promised not to say. My friend would be hurt if they found out." She was scared. You wouldn't push her further. She was already taking a big enough risk doing something like this, house-elves were not meant to meddle in the affairs of Witches and Wizards.
"Okay. That's okay, Minsy. Thank you for passing this on." You touched her bony shoulder and sighed. More drama. Excellent.
"Miss. Please be careful." Minsy's eyes almost looked like they were about to tear up as she stared up at you.
"I will." You reassured her, even though you had no idea what you were getting yourself into, as usual.
Minsy nodded her head and offered you a smile then disappeared.
Rushing to your desk, you pushed aside the parchments you had been marking and lay open the folder. Clipped to the top was a photograph, a plain, unassuming building, something too modern you thought to be in the backdrop of the country setting it was situated in. Setting the photograph aside, you began reading the report in front of you.
"What the fuck is this?" You whispered to yourself, genuine shock rushing through you.
The report outlined a new facility, in the muggle world, which was essentially a cover-up for the Ministry's mistakes. Muggles they had left permanently damaged due to memory charms. Signed off in agreement at the time by the Muggle Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. Trust her to agree with something so barbaric. For her, you imagined it was the easiest option; it was being paid for by the Ministry, run by the Ministry, and every year she would receive an updated report on the patients. Signed, sealed, and forgotten about.
What can I do? In your eyes, you were completely powerless.
There was a second parchment, much smaller in length, that wasn't a part of the original report. The Myosotis ward. Clamming up at the first line, your heart began to thud against your chest.
'We have found there is an exponentially small subset of Muggles that do not respond to any of the known Memory Charms, therefore, in agreement with the Government of the United Kingdom, the Ministry of Magic will take charge in heading a new ward at the Hythe Wellness facility. This will ensure the safety of both the Wizarding and Muggle worlds.'
The more you read, the worse it got.
'Specialised healers have discovered there is a correlation between patients. All have suffered forms of physical abuse as the result of magical malpractice.'
So not only had they been subjected to magical trauma, they were now being "treated" for fake mental illnesses.
Is this what we have become? Imprisoning muggles because they can't be obliviated or trusted? It was sickening. Unlawful captivity dressed up as a private, specialised mental health facility. Their main aim; ease patients of their fantastical delusions and hallucinations. There were no delusions. You shook your head as you read each point, disapproving of every line.
"Section 5. Personal relationships will be dealt with accordingly on a case by case basis."
How? Closing your eyes, you tried to fathom how it would work, how the webs of someone's life could be picked apart. The Ministry would have to dispose of any knowledge that a person ever existed in society. It was possible but an undertaking so large, it would require hours upon hours of research; snatching people in the night doesn't often go unnoticed in the muggle world. Being backed by the Muggle Government would make it easier, of course, they'd have information that wasn't so readily available to Wizarding authorities and they could cover things on their end but it still seemed so ludicrous to you.
"What has you so engrossed?" Severus interrupted, making your heart stutter in surprise. "I know it's not those Wideye assignments. The first one I saw almost bored me to tears."
He was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, arms crossed, head leaning on the wooden frame. So preoccupied with the documents, you hadn't even heard him open the door.
"Ministry stuff." You replied quietly as you kept your eyes glued to the parchments, contemplating when you should show him or not, after all, he had enough of his own shit to deal with.
"And what are you doing with Ministry stuff?" And what Ministry stuff, anyway?" Severus didn't appreciate the vagueness, especially when it came to the Ministry. If it wasn't for his deal with Albus and the Ministry's general respect for the headmaster's counselling, Severus would be dead, or worse, in Azkaban living in his own squalor and eating vermin.
You'd have to show him, you conceded, "I'm...I'm not really sure. For some reason," you closed the folder and proffered it to Severus, "This has been given to me. Read it. It's quite unbelievable."
He gave you a questioning look then sauntered over, took the folder, and headed to the sofa. Sprawling the parchments over his wide lap, he delved into the information but not before rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Cute.
Sighing and tutting his way through the documents, Severus was just as dumbfounded as you were.
"I agree...unbelievable. That's why it works though." He said. "Isn't it ironic...they've been fighting Dark Wizards and battling wars for years to stop the subjugation of Muggles and now look what they're doing."
"The greater good." You replied bitterly. "Not for muggles, but for us. And it's not new, it was opened in 83. Just two years after the war. 10 fucking years, Severus. Hiding in plain sight, right underneath muggle noses."
"There was likely residual damage to muggles that the Ministry didn't catch after the war ended. It was a chaotic time and their resources were severely stretched. It's not surprising of them though is it, really?" Pushing the hair from his face, he brought his attention from the report to you. What did this have to do with her? How much more can she cope with? He wondered.
"No, I suppose not." You knew that to be true first hand. No one knew about your father's escape from Azkaban. The Ministry couldn't have that; couldn't be perceived to be weak and failing yet again. Reputation was everything, even if it was a falsehood.
"Who gave this to you?" He asked, in a serious tone he often didn't use with you.
Shit. If Severus looked into this more, which was highly probable, he may find the original owner of the documents. Minsy clearly felt this was a risk and you couldn't jeopardise her or her mystery friend's safety.
"Y/n?" He watched as you approached him and moved over to make room for you, then waited as patiently as he could for your answer.
"I can't say, Severus." You replied apprehensively. You knew he wasn't going to like that answer.
That wasn't the answer Severus wanted but had a feeling he was going to get. "And why not?"
"I'm not sure but I'd say the main reason is fear."
"Okay," he sighed, not quite understanding the cryptic answer. "Why have you got it?"
"I have no idea." You shrugged.
He rubbed his forehead, becoming irritated with the continued vagueness of the situation.
"So you've been given this incredibly confidential piece of information, for Merlin knows what reason and you've just taken it. The Ministry will not be just with anyone who knows about this, you know that, don't you?"
You bit your lip and nodded your head. You did know that and now you'd pulled Severus into it, too.
"I've only had it for half an hour longer than you have Severus. I've not yet had proper time to make sense of it. Or why it's been given to me."
"At least you know who it's from." He retorted.
"Not really. I know who put it in my hand, where it came from before that, I'm just as oblivious. Look, you don't have to have any part in this but I don't believe it's been given to me on a whim...and knowing my own problems...what if? No, it's for muggles."
Severus leaned back and closed his eyes, a deep sigh leaving his chest. Taking the picture out of his hand, you scrunched your brow at it, the longer you stared, the more a feeling of dread rose up inside you.
"Severus, I...I think I've seen this before." You said though you could hear a slight uncertainty in your own voice.
His eyes opened immediately, "What do you mean? You've been there?"
"No. No, I don't think so. I've seen this building before, I was standing outside of it. I was...it was in a dream."
"I doubt it, probably something that just looks similar." A yawn escaped his mouth, as he dismissed your claim, he covered it lazily with his palm.
"No, it was this building." Sitting up, you tapped the picture, now more confident, "I'm sure of it. I remember waking up from the dream thinking it was odd because I'd never seen it before and I've certainly never been there."
"Y/n.." Severus sighed.
"Severus. I mean it! I know it sounds crazy but I mean it. I've seen it and now this gets planted in my lap." You pointed at the parchments still sprawled on Severus.
He closed the folder, "Okay. Why don't we reconsider all of this at a more appropriate hour? It's half twelve in the morning and you need sleep."
Severus wasn't convinced, hoping rest would ease your overworked mind.
"I'm not tired." You said stubbornly, sensing he wasn't assured.
"You're never tired." He scoffed and stood up, dropping the folder on your lap. Weariness was sharpening his mood; he went back to bed without another word. You thought about following him but the folder drew you back.
Watching the fire burn as you tapped your feet nervously, you finally made up your mind. It was time.