Chapter Thirty-Four
Three days after the bachelor party at the clubhouse, Allie stood at the very back of the studio's production floor, which had been turned into a Gatsby-esque dance hall, complete with everything Dan's little heart had ever desired for his wedding. She gripped Dan's hand, noting that it was just a tiny bit sweaty, as he shifted anxiously from side to side next to her in his trim black suit and skinny white tie.
As the strains of Lady Gaga's version of "Your Song" hummed from the speakers on the production floor, the rest of the bridal party took their place in front of them, just as Dan peeked out from around the long white curtain that separated them from the rest of the floor, and where the wedding was about to take place.
"Oh my God, there are so many people," Dan muttered and then fanned himself underneath his armpits. "Is it just me, or is it really hot in here all of a sudden?"
"It's a little warm in here," Allie agreed helpfully, gripping his hand a little tighter to pull him along.
Lyla turned around from her place in line and wrapped her arms around Dan, whispering something in his ear, and then it was her turn to step around the curtain and make her way down the aisle with her cute little baby bump, leaving just Dan and Allie standing behind the curtain all on their own.
Dan swallowed hard, his eyes flitting shut for just a moment. "I wish my parents were here."
"I know, Daniel," she nodded, squeezing his hand again for support. "But I'm here. And I'll always be here."
His dark eyes were swimming as he glanced down at their intertwined hands. "And you're all the family I'll ever need."
Tears pricked her eyes then, but she quickly batted them down. She still had the whole ceremony to get through, and if she messed up Dan's meticulously-applied makeup, he just might take that bouquet in his hand and beat her over the head with it.
He'd been so keyed up this morning, so fluttering around with nerves, that he'd nearly made them late for the ceremony with his overbearing need to make sure everyone's makeup was on point. For Allie, he'd chosen a delicate smokey eye with just a little bit of glitter, mainly because he'd figured out pretty quickly that Jax had liked the makeup he'd done for her at the bachelor party. And because he'd just needed something to do with his hands, and something to keep him preoccupied until the ceremony, he'd done the makeup for the rest of the bridal party too.
He'd also taken great care in choosing both of their outfits - a black bespoke suit for him, and a satin black suit for her, with fitted pencil pants and a matching suit jacket that was cut just right so that all she needed was a black bra underneath it.
Just then, one of the actors poked his head around the curtain, signalling to them that it was their turn to walk down the aisle, and Allie pushed down the little butterflies scampering around in her stomach. She'd rehearsed about a thousand times and basically had the whole thing memorized, so all she had to do now was deliver it without a hitch. Easy.
"Alright," she nodded to him. "I think it's time, huh?"
Dan just blew out a deep breath in response as he shifted again from side to side.
"Hey," Allie smiled. "I love you."
That seemed to break through most of Dan's anxiety, and a grin slipped across his handsome face as he squeezed her hand. "I love you too."
She gestured with her head to the curtain, and then led him around it just as the crowd in front of them rose to its feet. With Dan on her left, clutching his bouquet, she nodded to him again with a happy, reassuring smile, taking in this moment for her best friend. Everyone in this room was here just for him, and for Adrian, and she didn't want him to miss a second of it.
Then she led him down the aisle as Lady Gaga sang through the speakers, and he really did savor the moment, and the attention, making sure to really look out at the guests and catch their gaze in a silent thank you for showing up for him today. When they got right up to the altar, where Adrian and his best men were waiting for them, she caught a glimpse of Jax to the left, where Gemma, Jimmy, and the rest of the club were standing on Dan's side as they watched them walk down the aisle. Jax had that sexy smirk twisting his lips, and he shot her a wink when their eyes met from across the aisle.
Finally, they made it up to the altar. Allie gingerly passed Dan's hand to Adrian, taking a moment to hug him and kiss him on the cheek, but even that felt momentous, giving away her best friend to the man of his dreams, who he was going to spend the rest of his life with, who he couldn't be more sure about, despite the seemingly unnecessary rush through all this.
The way Adrian was looking at Dan right now...she got it. She really did. Adrian was looking at Dan like he hung the moon and the stars, like he was just in awe of even being in Dan's presence, like he was just honored to even be standing next to Dan right now. There was so much love radiating between them now, that Allie was just immediately pulled into the undertow of it all, tossing and turning with this kaleidoscope of emotions.
But she pulled herself together, swallowing back the fresh tears that pricked her eyes, and she moved around the altar to stand behind the little podium, where her ceremony script was waiting for her.
Allie cleared her throat, adjusted the microphone, and then her eyes flicked out to the crowd, quickly landing on exactly who she was looking for. Jax grinned back at her instantly, that megawatt smile spreading deeper across his handsome face when he sent her a quick nod of encouragement. That look she'd just seen on Adrian's face...she'd seen that look on Jax's face too when he looked at her. And that gave her the push she needed to carry on.
So, with a deep breath, she began the ceremony.
"Welcome, everyone," she said into the microphone, trying not to wince when she heard her voice echo through the speakers. But Allie chose instead to focus on the two men in front of her, and the task before her. She'd never failed at anything before, and there was no way she was going to start now. After giving herself one more moment to glance between Dan and Adrian, who by now were standing with their hands joined together, beaming love and excitement back at each other, the rest of it came naturally, and her nerves slipped away.
"Dan and Adrian have chosen each one of you to witness their wedding vows today as they join together as life partners and as husbands."
She had to pause there as the guests, most of them actors and crew members from the studio, cheered for Dan and Adrian with loud whoops of love and encouragement.
"Marriage is a bold step into an unknown future," Allie went on with a smile, her voice and her hands shaking ever so slightly. "It is risking who we are for the sake of who we can be. In marriage, two lives are intimately shared, and the blending of the two must not diminish either one. Instead, it should enhance the individuality of each partner."
Then she had to swallow hard as the words, and the meaning and the truth behind them, began to hit her in full force. She'd been completely unprepared for that, and she'd been the one to write this script, albeit with lots and lots of help from the internet. Marriage didn't necessarily mean she had to lose her identity - or that her partner would lose his identity too. It was supposed to make them each better and stronger, both together and as individuals. Maybe that was the part she hadn't really allowed herself to accept until right now.
"We know that a marriage is not created by a law or a ceremony. It occurs in the hearts of two human beings. It grows out of loving, caring, and sharing ourselves with another. This ceremony is not magic. It will not create a relationship that does not already exist and has not already been celebrated in all the commitments Dan and Adrian have made to each other, both large and small, in the days since they first met and recognized their connection to one another. So, in witnessing this ceremony today, we are observing only an outward sign of an inward union that already exists between them. This ceremony is a symbol of how far they have come together. It is a symbol of the promise they will make to each other today to continue to live their lives together and to love each other solely and above all others."
And as her eyes lifted briefly from her script to land right where they needed to be, finding him instantly, and finding him smiling back at her with all the tenderness and the love and the passion and the commitment she already knew existed between them, the truth in the words she was speaking right now just couldn't be ignored - for the two people she was marrying or for herself.
"Marriage makes people kin. It celebrates intimacy, and it ties a life-long knot. It is the most significant contract a person will make in their lifetime," her voice caught a little on that last part, and tears filled her eyes as she looked to Dan and Adrian, who were so lost in each other it almost hurt to look at them, and then to Jax, who was watching her carefully with a soft smile playing on his lips, almost as if he could read her thoughts too. "It touches the heart more deeply than any other action people can take."
"On their journey through marriage and through life, it is love that will make each step easy. Love sweetens shared dreams and comforts the fearful. Love is accomplished in seeing the good and overlooking the bad. In hard times, love brings hope. Love is at the very center of meaningful life. It is the presence of love that, here today, pervades and enriches this service of celebration and commitment. To quote the poet Christina Rossetti: what is the beginning? Love. What the course? Love is still. What the goal? The goal is love, on a happy hill. And my dear friends," Allie choked a little on those words, wiping a tear from her eye. "You have that in front of you now, and for the rest of your lives."
Dan shifted just enough to flash her a happy, tear-filled grin, and she nodded to him through her tears.
"And now Dan and Adrian, have you come here today with the intention to be legally joined in marriage? Do you pledge to choose respect, kindness, and compassion toward one another, to listen deeply to one another, and to speak to one another truthfully, today and always?"
Dan and Adrian looked to one another, their hands clasped around each other, and they grinned, saying in unison. "We do."
"The pledge you're about to make today expresses your devotion to one another and to the love you share, and the words spoken here will support your marriage and your commitment through the inevitable hardships you'll face together. Today, in the presence of your families and friends, you pronounce your love for each other and make a commitment that will define the next phase of your journey. We celebrate it with you, we love you, we support you, and we wish you all the happiness a lifetime can bring. Dan and Adrian have chosen their own vows, and I have been asked to inform you that they've chosen these vows from the words of one of Dan's idols, the immortal pop goddess, Whitney Houston."
She paused there, letting the guests chuckle, and then she moved the microphone so it was positioned directly between Dan and Adrian for their vows.
Dan cleared his throat as he leaned into the microphone, tears already filling his eyes, "If tomorrow is Judgment Day, and I'm standing on the front line, and the Lord asks me what I did with my life, I will say I spent it with you."
And then Adrian leaned, his voice scratchy and full of emotion, "If I lose my fame and fortune, and I'm homeless on the street, and I'm sleeping in Grand Central Station, it's okay if you're sleeping with me."
Dan grinned at him through his tears, and then they continued their vows together, alternating lines. "'Cuz your love is my love and my love is your love. It would take an eternity to break us, and the chains of this world couldn't hold us."
By now, there was barely a dry eye in the seats, and Allie found herself gasping for air as she tried to hold in her tears, her chest heaving and twisting at this beautiful demonstration of their love for one another. What had she been so nervous and scared about? Dan and Adrian loved each other, and that was all that really mattered, and all she really wanted for her best friend.
"As the years they pass us by," Dan pushed through a little sob, "We stay young through each other's eyes, and no matter how old we get, it's okay as long as I got you, baby."
"If I should die this very day," Adrian went on with a happy smile, gripping Dan's hands a little bit tighter. "It's okay because on earth we weren't meant to stay, and no matter what the people say, I'll be waiting for ya after Judgment Day."
They laughed a little together, finally bringing it together one last time, "'Cuz your love is my love, and my love is your love. It would take an eternity to break us, and the chains of this world couldn't hold us."
And then, after they exchanged their rings, Allie looked to both of them proudly with happy tears in her eyes.
"Dan and Adrian, no one but you can declare yourselves married. You have begun it here today in speaking your vows before your family and friends and you will do it again in the days and years to come, standing by each other, sharing all that is sweet and bitter in life. Each tender act, each loving word will be the declaration of what was made here today. And now, it is my absolute joy and honor, by the power vested in me by the great state of California, to officially acknowledge your union as husband and husband. You may now kiss each other."
The crowd erupted in cheers and applause as Dan and Adrian leaned into one another, kissing through their joy and their tears, and Allie had to wipe away some of her own before she could clap along with the crowd as Trisha Yearwood's rousing, gospel-like version of their vows played through the speakers.
As the crowd continued to clap for the newlyweds, Dan and Adrian made their way back down the aisle together, hand in hand, ready to embark on this new part of their lives together. She watched them through yet another round of happy tears, feeling her heart squeeze in her chest at the sight of her best friend on cloud nine, on the happiest, most exciting day of his life, and she had a flash of a vision across her mind - of what that might look like, what that might feel like, if that was her and Jax walking down the aisle side by side, and hand in hand that way.
Each member of the bridal party took their turn walking back down the aisle, and Lyla held her hand out to Allie, so they could take their turns arm in arm.
"Amazing job, hun," Lyla whispered in her ear above the crowd.
"Thanks," Allie laughed. "My hands were shaking the whole time!"
As they walked past the Samcro section of the guests, they were met with loud whistles and cheers. Allie found him easily in the crowd again, and Jax beamed back at her.
As if he just knew, and what he knew, and she knew, was that someday, when they were both ready, they'd have their turn in front of an altar too. They'd make their own promises, and have a chance to have their own ceremony to symbolize the commitment they'd already made to each other and would continue to make every day for the rest of their lives.
With the right person, marriage wasn't just a piece of paper.
And she knew Jax was that right person for her.
With the wind lifting her hair and the sun warming her face, Allie tightened her arms around Jax's waist, pressing her cheek into his leather-covered back. He was just turning them down a long, winding road that would take them to the club's cabin. She hadn't realized just how much she needed this time away with him, or just a break in general, until they got on his bike and hit the road.
After the whirlwind of Dan's wedding, and everything else that had come right before, this was just exactly what they both needed. Because at the cabin, they could just turn everything else off, literally and figuratively, and just enjoy each other. It didn't help, of course, that she was still reeling from the actual act of officiating, and what saying all those words out loud had meant, because she'd realized that they had meant something. They'd meant just as much to her as they'd had to the couple she'd said them for.
Jax knew it too, but he'd also been smart enough to know she needed to be the one to bring it up.
When they got to the cabin, Jax pulled his bike right up to the front, and then killed the engine. He unsnapped his helmet, swung his leg over the side, and then reached out to help her off his bike. With her feet on the ground, she took in everything in front of her as Jax got to work unpacking their small overnight bags from the storage compartment at the back of his bike. The cabin was definitely pretty old, probably from the 70s, with its wood paneling, iron overhang, and simple, unfussy design. But it belonged to the club, which meant it also belonged to Jax, and she was beginning to understand that meant it also belonged to her.
They hadn't needed to bring much except for clothes and a few toiletries - Jax had had a prospect head up here the day before to make sure it was clean, including the bed they'd be sleeping in, and to bring up all the groceries they'd need for the next few days. Allie supposed that was just another one of the benefits of Jax's position, and again, she was starting to understand, more and more, just what those benefits really were and that it was really okay to enjoy them.
So, she followed Jax up the short, wooden stairs to the cabin's front door, taking one of their overnight bags from his hand so he could get the key in the door.
"Thanks, baby," he grinned at her from over his shoulder as he pushed the front door open, stepping through the threshold and gesturing with his head for her to come on inside.
The inside of the cabin was actually in far better shape than the outside, with its new and modern kitchen appliances, and a completely updated kitchen with freshly painted cabinets and a concrete countertop. There was a comfy-looking leather couch in the middle of the living space, a slightly-aged TV, and of course, no biker-owned cabin in the woods would be complete without a nice, big neon Harley Davidson sign right smack against the wall.
But it was cozy, and clean, and smelled of freshly-washed linen, and for the next few days, it was home.
Because wherever Jax was, that's where she was - that's where her home was too.
Like he could read her thoughts, and he seemed to be doing that a lot lately, he tossed their bags onto the leather couch, and pulled her into his arms before pressing his lips into her forehead.
"I'm really glad we're doing this," Jax murmured. "We needed it."
"Yes, we did," she sighed, leaning into his embrace and drinking it in as fast as she could get it. "These last few weeks...God, these last few months have just been a little insane with everything going on."
"No shit, baby," he chuckled, and then he abruptly pulled away from her so he could rifle through his overnight bag until he unearthed a black, square jewelry box. He held it out to her with some excitement in his navy blue eyes, not to mention a tiny bit of nervousness too, but the size of this particular box was definitely too big to hold a certain kind of jewelry.
He must've seen her initial hesitation because he laughed a little, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously as he gestured to the box with his head. "Don't worry, darlin'. It's not that kinda jewelry box. I promise it's not what you think it is."
"I wasn't -"
"Sure, you weren't," Jax smirked at her, and now that nervousness had been replaced with amusement instead. "Go on, open it. I thought I'd be able to wait a little longer to give it to you, but I've already been waitin' a few days, and I don't think I can wait much longer. I might as well admit ahead of time that I had a lot of help, but I'm sure you figured that already. Our newlywed roommate really came through for me on this one."
"Okay," Allie replied slowly, gingerly slipping the box out of his grasp as she chewed on her bottom lip. Then she lifted the lid ever so slightly until the contents came into view: a simple gold chain with an even simpler, beautiful gold J initial nestled to the left.
Her lips parted, but she just couldn't find the words, and her eyes darted back up to him as they filled with some new tears. She was doing so much more of that than she was used to these last few days...crying through Dan's wedding ceremony, tearing up right now at this beautiful gift, this beautiful symbol he was giving her. Jax gently slipped the box from her hands again and stepped around her so he could fasten the necklace around her neck.
The delicate gold chain hit right at the tips of her collarbone, with the simple, elegant J initial sitting just to the left, and just a few inches above her heart. Probably exactly where he wanted it to be too.
"Jax…it's beautiful," she exhaled, letting her fingers run along the chain. "I love it."
"I figured you would 'cuz I didn't pick it out," he admitted with a shrug, but that lop-sided, cocky grin slid across his face again now that he could see for himself that she really did love it, and she really wasn't just saying that.
"Oh, come on," Allie laughed. Her attention shifted back down to the new necklace encircling her neck, and her fingers lifted up to run along it again, lingering on the J when her eyes flew back up to find him observing her with amusement again.
"So I'm sure you're wonderin' what I'm after here."
She smiled back at him, chewing on her bottom lip in thought. "A little bit."
"Hey," Jax reached out to tangle their hands together, bringing her knuckles up to his lips. "The last thing I wanna do is make you feel pushed into doin' somethin' you really don't wanna do, or you know, say...feel run over by me."
Allie bit down on her bottom lip to hide her laugh, but it wasn't like she was going to argue with him about that.
"Now, I'm not sayin' I don't want you to have my crow. You know how I feel about that already, but I don't know...in my mind, this is that compromise I was lookin' for. It just makes more sense, at least to me, for you to have somethin' like this instead. Like I told you before, we get to decide what works and what doesn't work for us. And I think me tryin' to talk you into a crow tattoo you really don't want isn't gonna work for us. This checks all the right boxes for me: it's somethin' you like, that you'll actually wear everyday, and - now don't get all pissy, baby - but it does let everybody know exactly who you belong to. I don't need you to get a tattoo for that. This is enough for me, if it makes you happy too."
It took a few moments for all that to really simmer and sink in, but it made sense to her too. And she supposed she could live with the fact that he saw this necklace as a symbol of ownership because it wasn't like he was asking her to brand his name permanently on her body. He was just asking her to wear a necklace with his initial - a really beautiful necklace that also happened to be exactly her style.
"I think that's a pretty fair compromise," Allie agreed with a smile.
"I think so too," he grinned, gently flipping her wrist over so he could run his index finger along the soft skin he found there. "Someday, if you want - and I can't stress that enough, Allie - but if you want, I think my initials right there," Jax traced the space right underneath her palm, "would be just fine. I wouldn't need you to do anything crazy, like Gemma's got. Just my two initials would be enough - but only if you want. And hey, there'd be plenty of room for you to add to it too."
"Add to it?" she frowned at him.
"Yeah," Jax laughed, gesturing to that space with his index finger. "You know, when we start workin' on that family, and you've got more initials to add underneath mine, but only if you want, baby."
Allie's eyebrows flew into her forehead, even as he just laughed again, moving his hand up to her face so he could run his thumb across her cheek, and then her lips. That wasn't a terrible idea. In fact, it was one she could see herself eventually getting behind, at least the part about tattooing their future children's initials on her wrist. Just that thought alone warmed her and squeezed her tight. That future was right there, just waiting for them to reach out and grab it when they were ready.
The key idea there, of course, was when they were ready. They weren't quite there yet, but they would be.
They would be.
"So," she cocked her head to the side playfully. "Just to clarify, no tattoo? You're really okay with that?"
He matched her move for move, tilting his head to the side too as he folded his arms across his chest. "Did I say no tattoo at all? I don't remember that. And before you lose your shit on me, I'm the one who's thinkin' about gettin' some new ink."
With that, he pushed up the flannel sleeve on his left arm and gestured to the bare skin on his forearm. "I'm thinkin' your name - your full name - would look real nice right there. That way, I got you with me all the time, and that way, everybody knows who I belong to. See, baby? Compromise. That's what this is."
"Really? You want to get my name tattooed on your body."
Jax's eyes narrowed a little playfully as he pushed his sleeve back down. "Uh huh. That's right. And, I was thinkin' when we start workin' on that family, I'd put another name right here," he put his hand over his heart with a soft smile. "I think that's the right place for that name."
Her heart squeezed tight in her chest, and she found herself grinning up at him. Of course he'd want to do that. Of course he'd want to put the names of the people he loved more than anything on his body forever, and for everyone to see.
"Well, I can't argue with that."
And, really, she couldn't argue with the rest of it either. She'd learned a long time ago that there wasn't much use trying to talk him out of something he'd set his mind to, whether it was good or bad, just like he'd clearly learned when he could push her, and when he couldn't.
"I'm kinda surprised you didn't just go ahead and get that ink already," Allie threw out lightly.
"Aw, come on," Jax shrugged with a smirk. "You really think I wouldn't run that by you first? I like to think I know you well enough by now to know I needed to make absolutely sure you weren't gonna be...I don't know, horrified that I'd branded myself with your name without talkin' to you first."
"That's pretty smart of you, actually," she laughed, leaning in to give him a quick kiss. Seeing as how they were all about keeping the lines of communication open between them, she figured he'd really enjoy what she was about to say next. "I need to tell you something, Jax."
His eyebrows lifted in anticipation, and she had to grin at the way a tiny bit of nervousness crept into his eyes again.
"So I had quite the experience during my officiating duties," Allie started easily, laughing right in his face when his lips spread apart in a cocky smirk. "I'm sure you figured that out already."
"I did."
"But what I haven't told you, and honestly, Jax, I haven't told you until now because there just wasn't a good time, and I didn't want to make you feel guilty about things we just can't control right now, but that day I bailed Wendy out of lock-up...that affected me more than I'd anticipated, and more than I told you."
The cocky grin on his face slipped a little, and he reached out to tangle their fingers together again, like some part of him just needed to be touching some part of her right now.
"I saw her name on all the paperwork I had to fill out for her - Wendy Case-Teller - and I just felt like the walls were closing in on me or something. And I think my heart just about fell right out of my chest when I saw that too. That surprised the hell out of me, as I'm sure you can imagine, because I did not expect to feel that way. Just the knowledge that you're still technically and legally tied to another woman was bad enough before, but having to see it there, in plain black and white...it just about killed me, Jax. I hated it. I hated knowing that some other woman was tied to you that way, and I wasn't."
Jax pushed out a heavy sigh, bringing her knuckles back up to his lips. "And then she treated you the way she treated you, and just made all that even worse for you."
"And I knew you'd feel that way, and that's why I didn't say anything until now. But I want you to know, Jax, because I don't want to keep the way I'm feeling from you for any reason. I think somewhere along the way between all that, and then officiating at Dan's wedding, I think I realized that maybe my opinion on all this has shifted a little bit."
Now, he tilted his head to the side playfully. "What do you mean, all this?"
"Come on, Jax," she laughed. "Don't make me say it."
"Nah, I think you should."
Allie rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, but there was just no getting out of it anyway. He'd never let this go until she gave him what he wanted. "The whole marriage thing."
"Uh huh," he grinned, folding his arms across his chest again. "And how has your opinion shifted?"
"Maybe I think it is still a contract," Allie allowed with a begrudging sigh. "But the ceremony, the marriage, it's a symbol for that life-long commitment you make to another person. It's not just a piece of paper, not if you're doing it with the right person...I see that now. I still don't think it creates the commitment, that part is up to us, but I do see how it can strengthen that commitment, and make it more meaningful, more precious."
"Ah," Jax nodded to her, rolling his bottom lip down between his teeth to hide his victorious grin. "I see."
"I'm not saying not ever, Jax," she smiled softly. "Just not right now. And probably not for a while too. I think we can both agree that anytime soon is probably too soon."
"I think that's fair. And I think we'll both have a pretty good feeling when the time is the right time."
Allie reached out until both hands rested on his forearms and she stood up on her tiptoes to press a light kiss into his lips. "I think so too."
Then, in a flash, he dipped down so he could scoop her up underneath her thighs and dumped her right on top of the couch, falling on top of her and sliding easily between her legs as his lips muffled her laughter.
So, their time at the cabin was going well, until it wasn't.
Jax stirred in his sleep, pushing his head back against his pillow, and tugged Allie closer into his bare chest. She nuzzled her cheek into his skin, and he smiled in his sleep at the feel of her lips on his chest. They'd had two really good days here. Days that had been spent lazily in bed, with even lazier lovemaking, with a few quicker, and rougher turns on the couch, up against the counter in the kitchen, and in the shower, but Jax had given up keeping track a long time ago.
If anything, this just felt like a taste of what was to come when they really had their house all to themselves. God, he couldn't fucking wait. He would wait, just like he'd had, and would continue to do, with everything else where Allie was concerned, and the wait just made it all the more sweeter when he finally got what he wanted.
But even just being able to use the bathroom or shower with the door open...that was a luxury he'd completely forgotten about, not to mention taken for granted when he'd had it.
And they'd still had plenty of fun other ways too. While Jax's attempt at teaching Allie how to fish hadn't gone exactly the way he'd planned - she'd gotten bored pretty quickly and had hated the sight of that poor fish on a hook - they'd still spent plenty of time wrapped around each other in front of the fire pit out front, talking and laughing and kissing. They'd even cooked a little bit together since they'd been up here too.
It was just this time alone with her that he'd been craving. Having her completely all to himself, with no distractions from the studio or the club or anything else that was going on in their lives right now that they just weren't ready to tackle quite yet. And she seemed to be relishing this time they'd spent unplugged too, basking in the sunlight and the fresh air and the calmness that surrounded them.
And it was fun while it lasted.
Because the sound of tires screeching and rumbling down the long, winding path toward the cabin jerked Jax awake. Immediately on high alert, he leapt out of bed, jostling Allie awake in the process too, and reached under the bed for the Glock he'd put there when she wasn't looking. Allie's eyes widened the size of baseballs when she saw him snap back up with the Glock in his hand, and she froze, clutching the blanket around her like it was a safety net that it definitely wasn't.
"Get down," Jax whispered to her as he crept over to the window, and then waved an arm at her. "Behind the bed, Allie, and keep your head down."
She didn't hesitate, gathering the blanket around her to cover up her body, and crouched down on the other side of the bed. Jax watched her long enough to make sure she had plenty of cover in case this went from bad to worse, and he groped for his prepay to get someone from the club on the phone as soon as he could.
One quick glance at his screen had his shoulders sagging with relief.
There were three missed calls from Juice. Two missed calls from Opie. And three text messages telling him they'd hit a problem with the run they were currently on and were headed to the cabin for a place to deal with that problem because it couldn't wait until they got back to Charming. That problem certainly involved blood and bullets, but none of those text messages needed to tell him that.
And that also meant his relaxing mini-vacation with Allie had just come to an abrupt end.
"It's just the club," Jax told her from over his shoulder. "Should be Ope, Juice, Tig, and Chibs out there."
"What's going on?"
Jax set the Glock back in its hiding spot, and reached for a pair of sweatpants before responding, "They had a problem with this last run. I guess that's what I get for turning my phone on silent for the night, huh?"
He huffed out a laugh, but Allie clearly didn't see the humor in this situation. With her forehead creasing into a deep, disturbed line, she threw some leggings and a tank-top on and ran a hand through her sleep-mussed hair. But there wasn't time to do much else, or even really talk about what was happening right now, because two bikes and a van skidded to a stop right in front of the cabin.
Within seconds, their peace and quiet erupted into panicked shouts and heavy footsteps spiking against the gravel underneath their feet, and Jax jumped into action with Allie right on his heels. He threw the front door open just in time for Juice and Tig to burst through with Chibs' arms slung around their shoulders as they carried him deeper inside.
"Shit," Jax muttered his breath when he got a good look at the crimson stains coloring Chibs' side.
Opie sprinted through the front door now with a bag slung over his shoulders, and he nodded to Jax as he made his way over to the makeshift triage area that Tig and Juice had set up in the kitchen. Jax left Allie standing near the living room, heading right for the hallway closet, where the club had some first aid supplies stored just for this reason, and he walked past her again to head for the kitchen and pass the bag to Juice, who had a grim expression written on his face.
"What the fuck happened here, bro?"
Juice just shook his head, glancing at Opie, who'd stepped in now to explain, so he could get to work on Chibs - considering Chibs was the club's only real trained medic, this wasn't gonna be pretty.
"I think it was the Nords," Opie explained quietly, pulling Jax aside from the drama in the kitchen. "They tried to grab the shipment away from us right before the drop-off. We got it there - don't worry about that, Jax. But it wasn't without some gunfire, that was for damn sure."
"Shit," Jax muttered under his breath again, racking a hand through his hair anxiously. "You think Darby's really out there somewhere, pullin' the strings like this?"
Opie just shrugged, but his eyes were still on Chibs, who was currently propped up on the kitchen counter and shouting out instructions to Juice, who frantically tried to keep up as Tig stood to the side as his hapless assistant.
He glanced over his shoulder and found Allie still rooted to the floor near the hallway, her wide and pained eyes following Juice's every movement in that kitchen.
"Oww, dammit, ya sonuvabitch!" Chibs barked out in pain. "I said to the left, ya feckin' eejit! If ya had feckin' brains in yer head, ye'd be damn dangerous, ya know that?"
Juice winced at the barrage of insults, but he kept on working, trying his best to dig the bullet out of Chibs' side with as minimal extra damage as possible. After a few more moments, and a few more colorfully-phrased instructions from Chibs, the bullet appeared in between Juice's fingers and he immediately dropped it onto the counter like it was a hot potato. Tig took his turn now, sewing up the wound as best as he could as Chibs took some generous swigs from the bottle of whiskey Opie had handed to him.
Somewhere in between the smattering of blood on the floor and on the kitchen counter, and the grunts of pain coming from the kitchen, Jax was acutely aware that the prepay in his hand was vibrating.
He glanced down at the caller ID with a frown, and then everything came to a screeching halt. His blood ran cold, and the best he could do was grab his VP's arm and point down at the screen. This was what he'd been waiting for. So, of course, it would come now, at the worst possible time, and when he was completely unprepared.
Almost as if the motherfucker knew it too.
"I gotta take this," he murmured to his club brothers in the kitchen. "It's…" he trailed off, his gaze flying to the hallway, where Allie was slowly but surely moving closer to the club crisis in the kitchen, her worried dark eyes following his every movement.
That was enough for Juice and Tig, and even Chibs, to quickly become aware that they were about to deal with yet another club crisis right here in this cabin, and all movements inside the kitchen stilled and quieted as Jax headed for the front door with Opie right on his heels. He glanced over his shoulder at Allie only once, but he just had to get outside now. There was no way he was taking this phone call anywhere within earshot of her.
As soon as they were far enough away from the front door with gravel underneath their feet, Jax skidded to a stop. He didn't even care that he wasn't wearing shoes on a gravel road. All his attention was focused right on the prepay in his hand, and all his adrenaline seemed to rush to his head all at once.
"You want me to take this one?" Opie murmured quietly next to him. "I can -"
"Nah, Ope. I got this."
He had to. He couldn't push this off on anyone else, even if it was his VP. This was his responsibility. His old lady.
So, he blew out a heavy sigh to mentally prepare himself, and then flipped the phone open to answer the call.
"'Sup, bro?"
Just those two words, having to push them out and put on this act - to have to act just like he did before he knew who this motherfucker really was - it made him sick to his stomach. He wanted to hop on his bike right now, chase him down, and rip him apart limb by limb. But before he could do any of those things, Jax needed to get him back to the clubhouse first. And then he could handle the problem the only way he knew how.
He could wait.
"Hey, bro," Harrison's cool, steady voice sounded from the other end of the phone. "Sorry it's been a little while since we've been in contact, but I've been working on that lead for you."
"No worries. I get it," Jax told him. Right about now, it was all he could do not to take the phone and smash it in his hands. "You got somethin' for us?"
"I think I finally got your guy's location nailed down. I just need to do a little more surveillance to make sure I've got enough intel to confirm it, but I think we got him."
Yeah.
They had him alright.
"That's great news, bro," Jax pushed a smile on his face to force a congenial, easy tone to his voice. The last thing he needed to do right now was tip Harrison off that anything was wrong, or that anything other than a payday was waiting for him during his next visit to the clubhouse. "When you think you can get us that intel? We've got some club shit we're dealin' with right now, but we should be ready for whatever you've got for us in a few days."
And, those extra few days would buy him a little more time to really sift through the sentence he planned on carrying out, and make up his mind once and for all on how he wanted to see it all play out.
"That works for me," Harrison offered nonchalantly. "Gives me plenty of time. How does Wednesday sound?"
Something dark and dangerous coiled around him, and a menacing smile slipped around Jax's lips. "Yeah, bro. Wednesday sounds great. I'll see ya then, but lemme know if anything comes before then, a'ight?"
"No problem, bro. See ya then."
Yeah, Jax thought darkly. See ya.
He snapped his prepay shut so hard he nearly cracked the screen, and then squeezed his palm around it so tight he was a little surprised he didn't draw blood. He was just going to have to wait for that too. The wait would help him savor it. Relish it. Take his time with it.
Yeah. He could wait until Wednesday.
Jax nodded tightly to his VP, who'd been watching the entire exchange with a grim line pressed across his face. There was no reason to hash it all out now, especially when Opie had already heard the most important parts of the conversation anyway. But when they pushed through the cabin's front door again, it was clear it wasn't going to be that easy. Because none of his club brothers were standing there, waiting expectantly with a disturbed expression on their faces.
It was Allie.
She stood right in the middle of the living room, with her hands folded tightly across her chest, and her dark eyes focused sharply on him.
Jax glanced into the kitchen, and found Tig and Juice, and even Chibs, despite his injury, watching her with some anxiety and trepidation creeping across their faces. He squeezed his eyes shut, and scrubbed a hand over his face before finally daring another glance at his old lady again. Her dark eyes still focused on him, zeroing in now like she could read every thought that had just run through his head, and all the thoughts before it too.
"Hey, Allie, can you give us a -"
She just shook her head tersely. "No."
Jax pushed out a heavy sigh, hitching both hands on his hips as his eyes flicked to the floor. He really, really didn't want to do this with her right now, in front of anyone in the club, and right here, when this was supposed to be a relaxing, drama-free vacation for them. But that train had obviously left the building the second those bikes and that van skidded to a stop in front of the cabin.
Their vacation was officially over anyway. Might as well stick a fork in it.
Still, he could try one more time, even if he knew her well enough to know it wouldn't work.
"Allie," Jax sighed, finally glancing up at her again. "Can you just go wait in our room for a few minutes so I can bring them up to speed and then I'll tell you -"
"No, Jax."
His eyes shifted to the kitchen again, and found all four of his club brothers staring back at them with eyebrows raised. He couldn't quite suss out where the heart of their reactions really lied - in Allie's blatant refusal to listen to him, which honestly, shouldn't have been that big of a surprise, at least not to Opie, or, the blatant reality that he hadn't gotten around to having this conversation with her sooner.
Juice, in particular, was shaking his head at Jax as if to say, Really, bro?
And then Allie ventured closer, taking a slow, purposeful step in closer so that she was situated directly in the middle of them all.
"I understand this is club business," Allie told him quietly, but firmly, her eyes never once leaving his. "And that if I wasn't involved, and if it had no legal implications, I'd have to leave the room so you could talk. But I am involved, Jax. This isn't just about you, and about the way that you feel, and about what you want to do. If I remember right, I was the one who was held face down on that bed, not you."
He winced at the blunt impact of her words, and he swallowed hard, pushing back the new heartache rushing through him that even now, even here, this was still trailing behind her like a ghost, haunting her and ruining things for her at every turn.
"What are you planning to do to him, Jax?"
And because he couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye right now, he shifted his gaze down and away, daring a glance into the kitchen. Opie was shaking his head at him now, like he just couldn't believe they were all really standing here, sorting this out in the fucking cabin of all places. He couldn't really believe it himself.
He'd been avoiding this. He knew that. She knew that. Everyone else in the cabin knew it now too. And he'd been avoiding it because he hadn't wanted to see the look in her eyes when he told her.
That look was in her eyes right now. Disbelief. Disappointment. Anger. Resentment. Any one of those things directed at him - from her - would've been enough to send him reeling, probably headed right for a toilet, or a sink, too - but all of those things, all at once...he had to tear his eyes away again because it was just more than he could handle right now. Especially with a fucking audience.
But maybe this was what she wanted anyway. Now, with an audience, especially this audience, he couldn't skirt around the issue because they knew the truth. The whole truth, and not just the vague details he'd mentally prepared himself to give her when it finally came up. Now, he had to give her that whole truth too.
Allie deserved that.
So, with that new resolve, Jax lifted his eyes, and murmured, "I'm gonna kill him."
Allie shifted her weight from side to side, like she'd expected it, but still hadn't been prepared for the impact of it. But that determination and that fire he saw her in her eyes - that same determination and fire that he fucking loved so much - that was directed right at him, and not in a good way.
She nodded tightly as she sucked in a deep breath, her shoulders heaving up and down a little more rapidly than before.
"I understand why you'd want to do that, Jax," Allie told him calmly and coolly, with the kind of poise she used in business meetings and negotiations. "I really do. There have been plenty of times when I wished he was dead too - plenty of times I wished I'd actually called Ope when I was still at that school and told him what happened because I knew what would happen to him if I did. But I didn't. You wanna know why?"
Jax didn't respond, choosing instead to just keep his focus on her, even as his bare chest heaved and his throat started to close tight.
"Because wanting to kill him and actually killing him are two very different things. The last thing I want is for you to do something like this, and thinking you're doing it for me, when...Jax, if something went wrong, if anyone figured out it was you - you could get taken away from me for the rest of our lives, and that's not a risk I'm willing to take."
He swallowed hard, and ran a hand over his face, and then his mouth, before really allowing himself to look at her. And what he found nearly made his heart shatter to the floor. That determination and that fire was still there, but desperation had joined in now, and pain, and heartache, and devastation too.
"I know you feel like you need to do...something to him for what he did to me, and what he did to the club. I understand that, Jax. I really do. And I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it - whatever else you have planned, whatever else you want to do to him...I think he does deserve that. But just - please, don't take someone's life for me. Don't go that far and put yourself at risk like that. I know you think the risk is worth it, and I understand that your rules and the club's rules are different than everyone else's, but...I don't want to be the reason you do something that could get you taken away from me. I realize that it could still happen...I mean, look what just happened this morning."
She paused there, gesturing toward the kitchen, where Chibs was still propped up on top of the counter with his hand gingerly covering his bandaged and bloodied side. Chibs shot her a pained smile and nodded to her tightly in response.
"I know it's probably always going to be this way, isn't it?" Allie tilted her head to the side a little, her eyes shining with fresh tears. "Don't try to tell me otherwise because we both know it's not true. Even when the club is out of guns for good, there's always going to be some danger attached to this, isn't there?"
And because all he could give her was the truth, he nodded.
"That's what I thought," Allie sighed, her shoulders sagging a little. "And I understand that if you ever really do find the man who killed Clay...I understand what you'll need to do, and I also understand that it's not my place to try to talk you out of that because it has nothing to do with me. I don't like it, and I wouldn't want you to do it, but I also understand why you'd need to get justice for Clay because that's what he would want you to do. That's what Gemma wants you to do. That would be between you and the club, and between you and Gemma, and it wouldn't be my place to try to get in the middle of that."
Allie moved closer now so that she could rest her hand on his forearm, the same one he planned to ink her name across, and he knew what she was going to say before the words left her lips.
"This really isn't all that different, Jax. This is between you and the club, but it's between me and you too. I know you want to make this right for me. I know you want to get the justice you think I deserve. And I love you for that. But you can still do that for me without killing him. I couldn't care less about his life. I care about your life, and the life we want to have together. And I don't want you to go that far and put your life, and our life, at risk. I hope you respect me enough and that you love me enough to honor that."
His knees almost gave out on him at that last part. And now, there was only one option for him anyway. How could he refuse her? How could he do anything other than what she needed him to do? And in the end, she was right. It had happened to her, not him. No matter how much his heart bled and burned and ached for her, it had still happened to her, not him.
It was her right to decide what punishment fit the crime, even if he didn't agree. And he respected her enough and he loved her enough to honor that. It was probably going to be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do, holding himself back from what he really wanted to unleash, but he'd hold himself back for her. Always for her.
He reached out to tuck some stray dark hair behind her ear, and let his thumb slip down her cheek. As his lips curled up into a soft smile, he nodded silently to her. Allie's shoulders dropped in relief, and she leaned into him, letting him wrap his arms around her to pull her against his bare chest.
His eyes found his VP from over the top of Allie's head, and Opie nodded to him in silent agreement.
Allie had said her peace. Maybe it was a good thing that she'd done it in front of nearly half the club anyway because now they understood too. The club had really voted to allow Jax to carry out the punishment that he saw fit, even if that punishment also included death, but that didn't mean it had to end with taking Harrison's life.
He wanted to though. There was nothing he wanted more right now than to wrap his hands around Harrison's neck and watch his life slip away as he struggled for air and as his face turned red and blotchy. That's how he probably would've done it - Jax had been mulling over all the different options in front of him, and that was the one he'd kept going back to.
There was something intimate about it that he'd liked. The act of wrapping his hands around Harrison's neck and squeezing the life from it, of being able to bring his face close and really take it in and watch his life drain away.
But, at least this way, he could really do some lasting damage now. Something Harrison would have to live with for the rest of his miserable fucking life.
Yeah. Maybe that was the way.
Jax glanced down at the woman in his arms, his woman, his old lady, and he brushed his lips across her forehead.
"I love you," he murmured to her.
"I love you too," she whispered, her dark eyes shining again with fresh tears. "You did promise me you would do everything you could to keep yourself out of prison."
"That's right," he nodded, reaching out to run a thumb across her cheek. "I did. Now, I won't lie, baby. I don't agree with you. I don't think he deserves to live after what he did to you, and the club agreed with me on that. And anything else I'm gonna do to him could still get my ass sent to prison, just not for as long. But all that being said, Allie, you're right. If this is what you want, if this is your decision, then I will honor it. I promise you that."
Then, in front of his club brothers, Allie stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him.
It was just as much of a statement as anything else she could've said out loud. She'd made herself clear in front of them. All of them. She was his, and he was hers. His eyes dropped to the gold necklace around her neck, lingering on his initial, which rested just a few inches away from her heart.
Allie deserved the justice she'd been denied years ago. So many people had failed her - the school, the cops, her friends.
He wasn't going to be one of those people.
So, he'd just have to get more creative, and that was a challenge he was prepared to meet head-on. Besides, there were just a few more days until Wednesday anyway.
He could wait.
A/N - So, with two chapters left, the next one is the one we've all been waiting for - spoiler alert, Harrison is going to show up at the clubhouse and get what's coming to him ;)
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter! There was a lot going on with Dan's wedding and Jax giving Allie their version of his crow (I'm not crying, you're crying!), and finally, Jax and Allie finally having that hard conversation about how he planned to handle Harrison. Thank you for reading and sticking with me!