Chapter 34
As Darcy held Elizabeth after arriving at Darcy House, she softly asked, "Why do you not want to consummate our marriage, Fitzwilliam?" Before he could respond she said, "I considered talking to my aunt about it but thought this should be a conversation between you and I. Does it have anything to do with the gossip Lord Warwick mentioned about you to Miss Bingley?"
With a sigh of resignation Darcy said, "Yes and no."
"Yes and no?" Elizabeth asked."Please explain."
"Elizabeth, I love you," Darcy said.
"And I love you, a bit of gossip will not change that. But I would like to understand why you are reluctant to consummate our marriage or allow me to bring you pleasure like you do me," Elizabeth said blushing. "I know you are a man of sense and education that has lived in the world and had far more experience in life then me. I also have recently become aware about how much more permissive higher society is of behaviors that the more simple gentry like those in Meryton frown on. Now I would like an explanation, "Elizabeth said firnly. "I trust that you respect me enough to share your concerns with me. If you remember correctly, I shared my own concerns about martial relations with you."
"I am ashamed of my past, Elizabeth," Darcy said his voice cracking. "You would be ashamed of me."
"But it is in the past. My philosophy is to think only of the past as it gives you pleasure. I can promise you, whatever you have done that you regret I will forgive you for since you so clearly regret it."
"As I am sure you have realized, my uncles and my cousin David are not very discreet and have enjoyed relations with many different women."
"Yes. You and the colonel are different though."
"Not so very different," Darcy said hanging his head. "We are both just more discreet and less, shall I say, adventurous. You could say there are various levels of depravity within the men of the ton. At the bottom you have men like Lord Warwick. I can admit that I was concerned what he was planning on saying or doing when I saw him looking at you. He cares nothing about ruining a lady's reputation if he is interested in her. He does not mince words as you heard tonight."
"Yes. I actually felt pity for Miss Bingley to have him announce she had engaged in improper behavior and seemingly telling other men they should avail themselves of her," Elizabeth said with a blush.
"Yes. If Miss Bingley does not leave England, men similar to Lord Warwick will believe they can do what they please with her, regardless if she is willing or not. I once told myself I was better then him, but now I am less sure," Darcy said softly. "I know I do not deserve you."
"You are nothing like Lord Warwick. He essentially dumped Miss Bingley and Lady Catherine at your feet in a sensational way and enjoyed the humiliation he caused everyone. While I am grateful he did not allow their scheme to continue, he could have addressed the problem to you and Uncle Frederick with more courtesy then the midst of a ball room. I was quite glad that your cousin claimed I had agreed to dance with him, though he had not asked and he had said no more then he was Richard's brother before Lord Warwick arrived. Lord Warwick made me feel decidedly uncomfortable, I would not like to have his notice."
"Which is why we need not put in the appearances my aunt has scheduled for us. I too was glad to hear my cousin claim your hand for the next set. He and my uncles inhabit another level of depravity in society. One above Warwick and his ilk. I have often considered that if David does not have an heir and Richard's potential son someday inherits the Earldom it would be a blessing for the House of Matlock. Every year my aunt spends a large sum of money to completely redecorate Matlock House. it is all a ruse, she goes away for a week claiming to be seeking new inspiration and the earl, he well, he cavorts with other women in his own home, rather then becoming involved in a scandal elsewhere. The money spent on his," Darcy grimaced and after a pause said, "activities, and her redecorating could have been set aside to give Richard a more secure future then the danger of the army. My grandfather on the Fitzwilliam side managed to set aside 15,000 pounds for each of his daughters' dowries. My father added consistently not only to the Darcy holdings but to Georgiana's dowry. He wanted every child of his to have a safe, secure future. Richard is the best man I know, if he would not be to proud to take charity I would have signed over one of the Darcy holdings to him. My aunt and uncle have only two children yet, they set aside nothing for Richard and my cousin felt compelled to marry a fortune for his own comfort and amusements."
"It is sad that it appears to be such a common failing, parents not properly looking to their children's futures," Elizabeth said softly.
"It is. I should not judge to harshly on all that do so. To paint all with the disgust I cannot express to my uncle for his actions is not right. It is prejudiced of me, not all situations are the same. I can now see how my own judgements of my own family that I felt I could not express due to my own pride and sense of familial duty led me to judge others with prejudice, to paint then with the brush I wished to paint my own family with, but refused to do so. You are so accepting and compassionate, I would like to learn to be the same. i do not believe I have judged David unjustly though."
"You need not learn, you are a compassionate man and a more accepting man then you might believe yourself to be. You may be reserved but that does not make you less compassionate or accepting of others. it is hard to confront if our judgments of our own family members are accurate. The viscount, he," Elizabeth said with hesitancy, "is like your uncle and therefore the next generation will repeat the same pattern?"
"If they do produce children it might be worse. David married for all the wrong reasons, fortune and connections, and his marriage is decidedly unhappy. Him and his wife loath each other so he cavorts with courtesans in public venues. He moves through women of the demi-mond rapidly and seems to be constantly searching for his next opportunity for sexual gratification. Him and his friend Blakehurst are always on the wagging tounges of society gossip for their pursuits. Him and his friend though, unlike Warwick who will ruin an unwilling woman to get what he wants, stick to women that enjoy similar pursuits even if they do end up in one messy affair after another. While some of their conquest were not members of the demi-mond, they have always been willing and eager. My uncles are both more discreet than David, but enjoy the same pursuits, just with less notoriety."
"And you?" Elizabeth promoted him.
"And I am more like my cousin Richard. We both dislike the messy affairs of David and the escapades of Uncle Edmund and Uncle Frederick. So we both chose to frequent specific high class brothels, where there are rules and clear expectations," Darcy said grimly. "The type of place that is select in its clientele, as well as who it employs. I always told myself that I was better then them becuse I only engaged in relations with women that were willing and in that line of work. That I was engaged in an unemotional buisness transaction. It never occurred to me to wonder how those women ended up working there or if I was wrong to utilize their services. Logically I know that if I had not in the past, other men would have and it would not have made a difference. "
"So you feel guilty for using the services at the brothel?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes. And for the way I treated the women there," Darcy said softly. "It was wrong."
"I do not know anything about such places," Elizabeth said softly, "But it seems a logical conclusion that the women there would have been willing."
"Just because they were there and supposedly willing though does not make it okay," Darcy said. "I never ask any of them if they where. I simply told them what to do."
"I find it very hard to believe you ever forced a woman at one of these places."
"No, but I did not consider their thoughts or feelings. I simply used them selfishly and left. I could not even be bothered to know their names or remember their faces. God, Elizabeth I am so sorry," Darcy said hoarsely.
"I want to understand, even if my experiance limits my understanding," Elizabeth said slowly. "You are apologizing for utilizing a system that existed in society and has existed for a long time? This is perhaps not an apt analogy, but it is the only one my experience allows. I have looked forward to assemblies and balls for the sake of dancing and did not care who my partner was. One could argue I simply used those dance partners for my own enjoyment, "Elizabeth said. "While I am not saying that the two are the same, they certainly are not, I am saying that society would claim your treatment of them was okay just like it is acceptable for me to enjoy dances with gentlemen I did not intend to marry at assemblies, even if your behavior was not okay. I can admit that I dislike to think of you with other women in general and I cannot approve of your dismissive attitude to them. It is to similar to the attitude you presented in Hertfordshire, but more repulsive given the intimacy involved," Elizabeth said wrinkling her nose. "I cannot imagine having any type of martial relation with anyone other then you, even as enjoyable as they are, so it is hard for me to understand the motivations of the women involved, to do so with more then one man is abhorrent to me, likely because of the country society I was raised in. Your own motivations I can understand were perhaps influenced by society and your uncles. I think it is important to take that into consideration," Elizabeth said slowly. "The fact that you can look back on the way you treated those women and see how your behavior was wrong, shows that you are a good man. If this is the gossip that you are concerned over, while it is not flattering I find it hard to believe the society I have observed would censure you for it."
"But can't you see, I never cared if they enjoyed what happened when I was there. I only thought of myself. Hearing about the potential for the gossip I have had to think back on my past actions there, and I did not like what I found. I am ashamed of the way I treated them, that I was such an uncaring selfish man. They did not matter to me. But you, Elizabeth, matter so very much to me. I am afriad that I will act like that again and revert to such despicable behavior, not caring about anything else then what I want. That even though I want to be a better man, in this I will not be. That I will hurt you in pursuit of my own gratification," Darcy said brokenly.
"Have you ever hurt a woman before?" Elizabeth asked.
"No!" Darcy cried horrified. "But I never wanted anyone as much as I want you. I was always in control before, but with you I am completely lost. I fear what will happen. I could never forgive myself if I did anything to hurt you. But if I cannot control my desire for you, I may act in a way that I do not want too."
"Fitzwilliam, I trust you not to hurt me," Elizabeth said looking him in the eye. "You might be used to being in control of all aspects of your life, but just like you have adjusted to seeking my opinion in some matters, rather than issuing decrees, you will need to adjust to not being in complete control in this as well. I trust you. The man who saved me from those men in the post coach and has shown such care for me would not hurt me. And don't you dare try and consider your past behavior in a brothel as comparable to those men. I was unwilling and attempting to fight them off. From how determined Miss Bingley was, you were more likely to have to fight the women who worked there off then have them fight you off."
"I was resentful to a woman there and deliberately denied her any sexual release. My behavior was abhorrent," Darcy said wincing.
"Fitzwilliam Darcy," Elizabeth said firmly, "are you trying to come up with reasons for me to be upset? I do not want details on every time you treated a woman as less then you in a brothel. Suffice it to say, the past is the past, you have learned your lesson and you regret your actions. I cannot grant you the forgiveness from each individual woman but I know you are a better man now."
"Only because of you. Without you I may have never reconsidered my previous actions. It was thinking of how you would view them that caused me to reconsider them. I want to be worthy of you and your love," Darcy said softly.
"You are," Elizabeth said sliding into his embrace, "and I want to be your wife in every way. I want to consummate our marriage. Given what I have experienced with you and observed in high society, I suspect it will be very enjoyable or all these women would not be engaging in such shocking behavior. Please do not make me have to ask my aunt or yours for instructions on how to seduce you."
"God no," Darcy said in horror before kissing her gently. Breaking off the kiss he said, "I would much rather seduce you if you are that determined."
"I am," Elizabeth told him.
"Then tonight we will try to consummate our marriage," Darcy said.
"Try?" Elizabeth said raising her eyebrow causing Darcy to chuckle.
"We will, my love," Darcy said.