Chapter 35

Of course, Steve was happy that Catherine wasn't dead, but he had a hard time processing it nonetheless. And it brought back other memories as well. Over the next three days he had woken up at least twice a night and once on his daily naps to painful and terrifying nightmares.

Every time that had happened, he had been confused and disoriented afterwards and because he had tensed up with every relived moment, his muscles had started to hurt again.

Connor did his best to loosen them and Dr. Lexington put him back on a small dose of relaxants and also upped his pain medication for the time being.

Danny had really hoped that the Catherine-story had been the incident that had been blocking his friend subconsciously. Loosing her for good was one of Steve's greatest fears. Danny knew that and he felt for his friend who had experienced her death not only for real, but now even in his dreams.

He had known that the nightmares would come at some point, he had just hoped it would be further along the road when Steve would have gained a little more strength back.

Danny had hoped that the truth about Catherine would give the SEAL some spirit back, but at the moment he was nothing but miserable, weak and tired.

The only thing improving was Steve's right kidney. It worked totally normal now, but Dr. Lexington still wanted to be on the safe side and wanted to leave him on his diet for another four days – to Steve's dismay of course. After that he wanted to get him back to normal food – very slowly.

Chin and Kono had offered their help again, but Danny had declined. He had promised to be by his friend's side and since Grace was with Rachel visiting her grandmother for two weeks Danny didn't see any purpose for leaving anyway.

Half an hour ago Steve had refused to do his PT session, saying he was tired and exhausted and didn't even let Connor work with his limbs.

Ever since he tried to fall asleep, but he couldn't even doze – partly because he was afraid to find himself in another nightmare and partly because his mind was racing with thoughts.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Danny asked softly, knowing that pushing Steve would be counterproductive.

"No, I am tired and exhausted. That was no excuse." Steve said a little annoyed, assuming that Danny accused him of just looking for an excuse to not doing PT.

"I know." Danny said, ignoring Steve's angriness.

"Then what?!" Steve asked still a little upset. He was confused and didn't know what Danny wanted from him.

"I can hear you thinking and I thought you wouldn't mind to talk about it. Maybe I can help you with something," his friend offered.

"No, you can't," the SEAL replied more sad than angry.

"Why not?"

"Because you can't!" Steve burst out.

"That is not an answer!" Danny said a louder than he had intended, but he was losing his patience a bit.

"I don't want to talk about it," that sounded determined and resolutely.

"Why not?" Danny goaded.

"Danny! I don't want to! Don't you get that?!" Steve was on the verge of yelling.

"I do Steve. I do. It's just that…I mean I know how you feel and…" Danny tried to give in.

"No, you don't." Steve objected.

"Yeah, you are right. I don't know, but I can imagine – somehow - and that scares me. And I…" Danny tried to explain his point.

"Me too." the SEAL admitted in a low voice.

"What?" Had he heard right?

"It scares me Danny. This…this…all of this. It…it not only scares me - I am terrified. I…I don't know…what to do." the desperation was audible and visible.

"What do you mean?"

"I am here for 21 days. I still can't sit without help and not even for two minute. I still can't feel my left arm or leg. I am tired, I am exhausted, I can't sleep. What…what if it stays this way? What…what am I gonna do? I can't live alone, I'll need around the clock care. I don't have a job anymore. I…I…" Steve was at a loss for words - didn't know how to express everything that was going through his head right now.

"You are going to be fine," is friend reassured.

"You don't know that!" - back to the angriness.

"I believe in it, okay? I know it is hard. It's hard for me too. You are my best friend Steve. You know I love you and it is not easy to see you struggle like this." It was said in a soft voice, but it also sounded sad.

"You don't need to stay."

"That is not the point here, Steven. I want to stay. I want to help you and I will, but it is still not easy. And staying away from you won't make it better. Just imagine our places were reversed. What would you do? Where would you be?" Danny challenged.

Steve nodded.

"You are right. I am sorry. And I really appreciate what you are doing. But I am still scared." The last words were almost a whisper.

"And that is okay, because it is scary. And I understand your thoughts, but I don't want you to give up. You worked too hard and come too far for that. And there are a lot of people who care about you."

"I am not giving up. I want to make progress. I want to get up and walk. I am just too fucking weak to do any of this. And I don't know why Danny…I don't know why…" it sounded even more desperate than before.

Both men sat in silence for a few minutes before Danny squeezed Steve's shoulder and said "Why don't you try and sleep a bit now you told me your thoughts. I try to get a hold of Dr. Lexington. See if we can talk to him in the afternoon." Danny was back to his soft tone.

"'kay. You…you staying?"

"Of course, I do. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Thanks Danny."