CHAPTER 35 - Envy
Bella's POV:
It was night and Master had taken me to the pool the school used for the swim team. The lights were on but low as he held me in the deep end, kissing my nose briefly as I held my head up, barely above the water.
"Very good.", he smiled at me. I wasn't afraid. I loved the water and this pool was humungous. I was holding my own wrists back behind me, without any restraints…he has asked me if I would consider being trained for a little water play. And I said yes ! I didn't even know there was such a thing as water play. Master always had new and exciting ideas for us. I love that.
"Now you will blink when you're ready to submerge.", he instructed, "I will bring you back up in ten seconds."
I nodded. We had done this a few times already. He never failed to bring me back out of the water in time.
"I can do longer.", I suggested.
"Patience.", he grinned, "Soon you will."
"Alright…", he kissed my lips gently, for only a couple seconds, "Deep breath. Exhale…"
I did as he said and then blinked my eyes. He smiled and let me go. And the brick that was tied around my left ankle pulled me slowly down under the water, the foggy deafness under there was comforting and isolating. I trusted him…and my naked body looked blue to me as my hair floated up around my face…I held my own wrists with my hands, pretending I was tied or shackled…I wasn't panicked…I was strangely relaxed. I looked up and saw his feet and his blurred naked body.
Then suddenly he moved at inhuman speed, diving down head first towards me…smiling under the water as he looked over me. He put his arms around me and took a bite of my left nipple…and I breathed out, bubbles bouncing all around us. He took me and rose up quickly, bringing me with him.
I felt my face come out of the water…only enough for me to get air. I felt perfectly safe in his arms as he kept us afloat. I didn't pant or choke or even cough. I liked this a lot.
"You are very good at this, 317.", he sounded surprised, "You'd be amazed how many girls aren't."
"I'm glad I'm good at something.", I said, my ears just a bit above the water. I could feel the large brick trying to ease my leg down again but Master was preventing it from taking me at the moment. It didn't hurt…it was just enough weight to pull me down…but not so much that it was hurting me.
His fingers were playing between my legs as I almost let my face go under.
He chuckled.
"The challenge is…can you stay calm underwater when you're distracted ?", he asked softly.
I gave a deep breath as he kept teasing and stopping with his fingers.
"Let's try some quick ones…", he suggested, "Deep breath…exhale…"
He lowered my face just under the surface of the water, tipping my chin up so I would look at him as I held my breath, under the glass as he stroked my face and smiled adoringly at me.
He brought my face out and roughly kissed me, depriving me of the air, his hands in my wet hair as his tongue moved in and out of my mouth. He allowed me air and I panted a little, getting some.
He pulled my hair and I went under again, right below. Again, he wanted me to look at him as I was under there…and he began twisting my right nipple, pinching it and releasing it, his smile turning a bit more devious.
I was alright holding my breath during this and I was pulled up and kissed again by his open mouth. I breathed through my nose and kissed him back with the same roughness he was giving me. He let me have air and I inhaled hard…then exhaled a couple of times…
"This is turning me on.", he shared as he pinched my clit in his fingers under the water…"How do you feel ?"
I was about to answer when he submerged my head under…a little deeper now…facing his chest.
His fingers tilted my chin up and I held my breath, not seeing his face very clearly from down here. My hair was clouding my vision too. I softly kicked my free foot and held onto my wrists, not unlocking them or wanting to.
I felt like it went a bit longer than ten seconds…but I still could've been under longer.
He pulled me up and kissed my chin, licking the water from it.
His hand encircled my neck and he kissed my lips again.
"Pretty good, girl.", he approved, "Still in control ?"
I nodded and breathed, "Yes. I'm fine."
I gave him a smile to show him that I was doing great with this so far. But I knew it would probably get harder in time. Just like gym class always did.
"Ready to go again ?", he asked me this time and I smiled, saying, "Yes Master."
He grinned. "You're going to EARN that A.", he informed.
"Deep breath…exhale…", he instructed and then he released me, the brick taking me down again, away from him. I held my breath and blinked, looking up at his feet, moving slowly in the water…then he was coming down to me…gliding like an angel in the sky…he smiled at me and kissed my lips, his hands touching my body as I struggled to keep my mouth closed, keep the air going out of my nose…this was a lot of fun. I liked it.
Then he was bringing me up again…and I got another deep kiss before I could get air again.
He let me breathe as he placed small kisses along my face and down to my neck.
"You're making Master very happy tonight, 317.", he revealed, as he went under to kiss my breasts while I caught my breath. He could stay down there a long, long time, maybe forever if he wanted to.
When he came up, his hair was all wet and slicked back…and the second the air touched it, it started to become sharp and wavy again, as if covered in gel, perfectly styled. Bastard. I want that kind of hair.
We had loads of fun in the pool room and we would continue to go there, for water training. Master loved the water games and we even began to roleplay there. He would really tie my hands and feet behind me, together, and dunk my face under the water as if he were trying to get some information out of me. I could actually take it pretty rough without much stress. He was very happy with me in the pool room.
He started to quiz me on basketball rules and regulations and that really got me dunked hard.
Things seemed to go back to well-not normal—if normal is having great amazing kinky sex with a hot Dominant vampire. But Master seemed to be happy with me again. He didn't even get close to tasting my blood again and I didn't blame him. He said he was still working on it…it could take years to get to the bottom of this. I felt really bad about that, making him do this extra work because of me.
The girls in gym class were getting worse and worse when it came to me. I suspected it was partly because of Miss Nickles being gone. They all liked her. Or maybe they were just afraid for themselves. They could easily disappear too.
I even did ask Master about her once and he told me she is fine, in another private school in New York, and she was having the time of her life there. He didn't sound defensive or angry at all when he told me this and I believed him.
I kept doing the one meal a day diet, not eating anything that wasn't on my list. I was used to it by now and it wasn't bad at all. More importantly, Master said my body was getting better and stronger, and I was able to play the way he wanted me to. I kept lifting weights with Master, and trying to learn basketball, also I was still deeply into my archery.
Master was happy teaching me this on our free time and some weekends. I was really getting better at it. He said something the other day like, "I can't wait until you can hunt real game."
Is that a joke ? He wants me to kill and shoot at animals ? Uh oh.
Soon he wants to see me shoot at moving targets he said…I thought that meant swinging logs or something. Not cute little animals. We would have to have a talk soon. Maybe I could hunt the other bitches in my gym class. Joke !
I began to have little interactions with some of the other girls in a couple of my classes but nothing great. Things like, "Did you see how much homework we had last night ?" or "Wasn't that funny what Mr. Garner said yesterday?"
But these were not friendships, they were polite acquaintances. I knew when I lost Alice that I wouldn't just make 50 new friends the next week. It's rare for me to find someone I actually want to hang out with. Right now, Master was my best friend and he was a great one…but he wasn't a girl my age.
Valentine's Day was coming up and I shrank from asking him anything about it or the dance the school was having. Since that whole Christmas thing happened, I was working on not acting like we were engaged or something. He said he didn't mean that stuff but it was still with me, in the back of my head.
He didn't mention it, either, and I just put it out of my mind.
The anal plug training was progressing and things were…improving, I guess. There was a pretty large plug inside me now and it doesn't hurt much when Master does things there. He still hasn't fucked me there yet but I had a feeling it would be soon. I hoped I could take it alright and not disappoint him.
Dr. Carlisle kept trying to get me to open up about my past…that girl I had killed…my mother…he seemed to be getting a bit frustrated with me but he never showed it much. Master kept teaching me how to avoid his attempts and it worked for the most part. Dr. Carlisle also told me he was concerned that I wasn't making any friends here. I told him I do have a couple of friends now. He asked who. I mentioned a couple girls in my Spanish class. He has a lot of nerve, asking for names. Jeez !
Then there was also the school's random blood tests to check for drug use or alcohol. It was not my favorite thing but I endured it without complaint. I always wanted to tell the nurse, "Watch out that's poisonous." But I didn't. Master always kept his eye on me during these tests, through the mind of the nurses, to ensure nothing bad was happening to my blood there. All seemed normal.
Master still had me in that gynecologist room from time to time to check things out, make sure everything was alright. He would take a little blood from me too, once in awhile, with the needle and gloves on.
We still had a lot of fun playing our games together, especially on the weekends. Sometimes it was his idea and sometimes it was mine. He loved it when I fought back and a lot of times told me to fight back and be bratty. He never hurt me with his strength but he enjoyed my bitchy side. So do I, to be honest.
It came out easily when he allowed me to act that way…but usually my bitch side came out when Charlie tried to control me…or when he didn't give me any attention. Now that he was out of my life for the most part, I was alright. I didn't have anything to rebel against. Well, Master…but why would I want to rebel against him ? He was my everything, I love him. If I had to rebel against something now it would be those bitches in gym class, the others…the girls who shared Master with me. I keep trying not to think about it but I have to admit, I am jealous of them. And anyone who has any time with him that doesn't include me. Am I obsessed ? Maybe. I kept looking up online things like how not to be jealous and sharing your man with other women…all I got were websites about threesomes and polygamy.
Maybe once I played with some of them that jealousy will lessen. Oh yea, once I see him with another naked girl right in front of my face I'll be fine. Okay.
He is still making sure I work out all the time. One weekend, he even tied my wrists to the treadmill and the stair climber machines, giving me a nice little lash with the flogger if I slowed down too much.
Then one weekend he introduced this nasty little thing he called the zapper. It had a black handle and a red tip that came to a dull point, two little nubs on the end. He said it delivered a little sting and spark and he started it out on my hand first. It DID hurt but it was over in an instant. It did give a nice jolt and made a snap sound and a flash of light did spark from it. I was brave about it and before long it was exploring my whole body. He went slow…and while I could take it, after a few zaps I really didn't want it anymore. He smirked and said I did well and at least he had something to punish me with now if I asked for it. I liked how it made me feel – scared…and it did bring out the bitch in me as it started to bite in sensitive places. And the waiting for it…God that was intense.
I wanted to be able to do everything he wanted. I wanted to be the best girl he had. And God was he the best boyfriend I ever had…well, the only one actually. He taught me everything, he read to me while I laid naked in his lap, he was even teaching me to drive! Not his nice car, no, God forbid…he has this cute little turquoise car that seems normal. I like it a lot. We're using that one for our lessons.
He sends me little bits of music to my phone and writes little things like: I wish I could dream, so I could dream of you.
There were whole sides to him that kept opening up, ones I would've never dreamt were there when I first laid eyes on that arrogant gym teacher on day one. Life is so full of surprises. It's nice that one finally is making me happy.
I love our newest game, ransom. I stumbled onto it while on the internet. He kidnaps me, I fight…he wins…then he keeps me for the weekend, playing with me and having his way with me while we wait for Charlie to "pay the ransom" he asked for. He pretends to record things on his phone like me asking Charlie to send the money…me begging him to hurry up so the kidnapper doesn't hurt me. It's strangely exciting, feeling like something that's a possession, being stolen and traded for money. It makes me feel like I'm worth something.
I love some of the places he puts me in when in between scenes…last weekend I had a big square piece of wood around my neck and my wrists were in it at the sides of my head….and I was in between walls it seemed like…so tight that the piece of wood was wedged in and I couldn't even straighten my legs out. It was dusty and cobwebby in there and I could see wooden beams on both sides of me. He would leave me there for hours and open this little door that was padlocked from the outside. He would play with me and make me come and lick me forever until I screamed and cried….and then he would fuck me mercilessly…and leave me again. Then later he would feed me and give me water. Sometimes the food was something great…other times it would be dry cereal or something equally terrible. But damn I had so much fun playing these things. It was such a turn on for me. I couldn't imagine going out with a normal guy and having normal sex after all this. What would my world be if I didn't have Master in it anymore ? I didn't like to think about it. He was everything I loved…dangerous, wicked, fun, smart, dark…free. He did and said whatever he wanted…I envied that. I wish I had that kind of confidence.
We were working on that.
He kept asking me to join his music classes.
One day after class was over, and we were alone, he really was done asking.
I handed him a pile of music sheets and he grabbed my wrist.
I smiled, liking this already…until he spoke.
"Miss Swan…", he slowly turned and looked up at me as he sat at the piano, "I want you in my music class."
His face was serious, those eyes…did anyone say no to those eyes ever ?
I swallowed and tried in vain to pull out of his grip.
"I should walk the dogs…", I began timidly as he stood up and released my wrist.
But he was slowly coming towards me, his face showing no signs of negotiation.
"I want you to join my music class.", he repeated, and I bumped into one of the student pianos, not taking my eyes off his perfect ivory face and those lush dark pink lips.
"Didn't you learn anything from gym class ?", I joked, moving around the other pianos in the room, my back getting close to the corner, where I was surely dead once he got me there.
It's strange how a person you've known for a long time, who you've been intimate with, can still scare you sometimes…but it's true…
"Mr. Cullen…", I cleared my throat nervously, "There are people in the hallway…"
He raised a brow and then my back was against the wall in the corner.
Nose to nose with me, he said in a deep, low voice, "I want you…to join my music class."
I felt myself shivering and I hated that. I wanted to be sexy and powerful, not a mouse.
Something in me woke up right away.
"People in Hell want ice water…", my mouth said, "But that don't mean they GET it."
This made him smile and my whole body went weak at the sight of it. He could ask for six million dollars now and I'd get it somehow.
"Oh.", he looked a bit disappointed, his lips brushing mine only slightly, "Does that mean you won't do it for me ?"
Fuck.
His lips grazed my neck right below my ear and I was putty in his hands.
"If I wanted ice water…", he touched his lips to my collarbone, "And I was roasting in Hell…you wouldn't give it to me ?"
Oh my God. What day is this ? What school is this ? What's my name again ?
"People are gonna see us…", I heard myself quiver.
"Let them see.", he answered and fully bit my neck, not breaking skin but…DAMN…this feels SO fucking GOOD !
His head moved down a bit and he was chewing into my sweater! Right where my nipples were…oh my fuck !
"Oh my God…", I whispered, not giving a shit about anyone in the hallways now.
"Please?", he asked with a sweet voice, his hand sliding up under my shirt.
His skilled fingers moved the bra cup down and he was playing with my nipple that hardened immediately at his icy touch.
His face smiled at me as he lightly pinched the nipple between his two ice fingers. I gasped and stared back into that angelic but also devilish face.
"Miss Swan…", he nuzzled his nose against mine, closing his eyes, "I want you to join my music class."
The pinch got harder around my nipple.
"This is where you say yes.", he prompted.
I just pictured myself standing up there, singing in front of him and all the other girls. Death.
"No ?", he asked, releasing my nipple and then roughly moving my skirt up, his finger easily moving into my panties as I cried out loud. I could deny him nothing when he went there and he knew it.
"You've heard me sing, I'm terrible.", I tried to bargain with him.
"I think you're great.", he argued, and his fingers found my clit, "And with me teaching you, you'll only get better."
My clit was already betraying me and I was wet right at this moment.
I felt tears come to my eyes as I said, "I don't want to let you down…."
"Silly girl.", he kissed my lips, "You've never let me down."
"Gym class…", I reminded as his fingers made sweet little motions around my clit.
He grinned.
"You're doing your best in gym class.", he grabbed my hair with his free hand, "And you're improving."
"And if I could give you grades in your training with me, you'd be getting A's every day.", he added, kissing my chin briefly.
"What do I have to do to make you say yes to me, Miss Swan?", he asked gently, letting my hair go and bringing one of my legs up to hitch around his waist.
"Mr. Cullen!", I warned him as he ripped the side of my panties, pushing them out of his way, "There are people out there."
"I don't give a fuck.", he growled, "I want to hear your yes, Miss Swan."
I couldn't see it but I heard him opening his pants, only enough to bring that magnificent cock out.
"Oh my God…", I breathed, wanting it but at the same time afraid we'd be caught.
In seconds, he was slowly penetrating me as I almost screamed out. He covered my mouth with his hand tightly and smiled at me as he moved all the way inside me.
"Now…", he said, not moving yet, "What was that you were saying, Miss Swan ?"
I could only moan under his cold hand as his eyes stared into my soul.
"I'm not going to move until you say yes to me.", he informed, "And think about this…anyone could come in here right now…Dr. Carlisle…a student…the principal…and I'm not moving even if they come in…I'm just going to start fucking you…"
"Mmmmm", I answered, trembling, thinking of it.
He smiled, knowing he had me right where he wanted me.
I nodded my head furiously, saying, "Yes." It was muffled.
He removed his hand.
"What ?", he asked, knowing damn well what I said.
"Yes, Mr. Cullen.", I breathed, my eyes dizzy, "I'll join your class."
Is this where the thunder claps and the lightning strikes ?
He smiled triumphantly.
"Good.", he replied, "I knew you'd eventually see it my way."
He started moving now, slowly fucking me as I began to make sounds again. The hand went back over my mouth.
"It will be great, you'll see.", he assured me as he fucked me a bit harder now, holding my leg up around his waist.
"Do you want this ?", he asked me, moving a bit quicker now.
I nodded, saying, "God, yes.", under his hand.
He fucked me hard and long in that corner, eventually holding both my legs up and around his waist. No one came in or even saw us.
So now I'm in the music class. Shit. I just hope he never wants me to join the Army or anything.
I'd be in the vocal class, not instruments…at least not yet. I'm sure down the line he'll want me to learn something there too. It's clear music is his passion in life. I was glad he wanted me to be a part of it but I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to do it.
In gym class a few days later, we were playing basketball…or I was trying to, they were playing…and Dr. Carlisle came in with a girl. She was really pretty, a senior, I think…African American, with thick, curly, long hair parted to one side, mostly black with soft red highlights…nice figure…perfect face and smile. I was trying to listen as they approached Mr. Cullen. Dr. Carlisle never comes in here, what's he doing ?
"Miss Grant will be joining your class.", Dr. Carlisle introduced them, "This is a special student, Mr. Cullen. She's deaf."
"As long as she can play.", he seemed annoyed by Dr. Carlisle.
Dr. Carlisle tried to sign with her, asking her a question. Mr. Cullen rolled his eyes and raised his voice.
"I've got this, Dr. Carlisle.", he cut in, "Stop embarrassing yourself."
"You know how to sign ?", he asked Mr. Cullen smugly.
Then Mr. Cullen started to smile and sign, greeting the girl warmly, it looked like. She smiled and seemed to be making letters, probably telling him her first name. Dr. Carlisle stood there like a dolt, envying Mr. Cullen's skill at this.
Mr. Cullen dropped his clipboard to the floor and began using both hands to communicate with her. She looked happy and relieved that he could sign so well and they both looked over at us playing. She answered him and they were really talking now.
Dr. Carlisle eventually left, trusting that Mr. Cullen had it under control now. He looked so defeated as he went.
I was so proud and impressed by Mr. Cullen and his abilities, always. But a second later, I began to feel something else.
He was smiling at her, with a beautiful smile. He was being kind to her, asking her questions and her answering him. She even laughed at something he'd said to her. Then he put a hand to his chin and moved it forward, I think that's Thank You. I've seen that before.
She went back into the locker rooms to change for class I guessed and I went back to concentrating on the game. I was not very good but I was getting better at knowing what was going on now.
A few minutes later, the girl came back, in her gym clothes. Mr. Cullen again smiled at her and was signing with her. Then he came over to us and blew his whistle twice, pausing us.
As he spoke to us, he signed at the same time so she would know what he was saying.
"Ladies," he began, "This is Alexis Grant. She will be joining our class today. She's deaf but she can read lips and she also signs. She'll be playing on your team, Fagan. Continue."
He blew the whistle twice and backed off to the sidelines, watching us as we began to play again.
Picking up his clipboard, he was writing something and BOOM !
The ball just hit me in the face.
"Open your eyes, Swan.", Mr. Cullen said without even looking up from his clipboard, as if he knew it was me.
Miss Grant was pretty good ! She knew how to play and she wasn't even afraid as she caught the ball and dribbled it, moving to her basket on the other side of the court…I watched her and followed, and she actually made two attempts and then made a basket !
Mr. Cullen watched and smiled but said nothing, he looked pleased and gave a little nod, writing something else. The other girls soon saw that even though Miss Grant was deaf…it didn't hold her back an inch. She was amazing ! And she was crushing our team.
Before the end of the period, everyone on Alexis' team was passing her the ball and letting her shoot a lot. She often made it and hardly ever missed. I had two working ears and I sucked.
At the end of the period, Mr. Cullen blew the whistle, signaling the end of the class. I walked behind the other girls, as always, sometimes I'd get to say goodbye to Mr. Cullen after they'd all left…but Alexis was signing with him. He grinned and signed back, and she was nodding and smiling at him. I wanted to hurt her right then. God, Bella, get a grip, she's only talking to him…he's a teacher. I need help.
I walked away, going to the locker room, not looking back. I felt like I wanted to cry as I changed back into my school uniform. I kept talking to myself, telling me I was being crazy. I got loads of his time…I shouldn't be this way. Would she be 318 ? Was there already a 318, 319, 320 I didn't even know about ? I saw Alexis with a couple other girls and they were changing back into their uniforms. Her body was flawless. And even though the other girls couldn't communicate with her much, they liked her and wanted to hang out with her, telling her she's really good at basketball. She made the sign for Thank You and they didn't know what to say after that.
She started to write things to them and they were writing things back in a notebook. I ignored them and got out of there, going to my group therapy. I'd be in a great mood for that now.
Master is beautiful, it's only natural that any girl in this school would like him. But she just thinks he's a teacher, she knows nothing about his little group. But then neither did I when I started here. What if he asks her to belong to him ? Will my weekends with him be over ? Will he start spending more time with her ? I hate this fucking feeling.
I kept picturing her naked tied up in a cage with him looking over her, signing to her as he decided what he was going to do to her first. I can't think about this. I kept trying to think of something else…but in group it was impossible to focus. Dr. Carlisle with his never ending support and gentle voice…he made me sick right now.
On the way to class, I googled how to deal with jealousy. One guy promised to cure me of it in 3 minutes. He said, while one person may beat you in one category, like looks, for instance, they will not beat you in every category in life. Yea, okay, they're beautiful…but are they warm ? Are they smarter than you ? Kinder than you ? Etc. Etc….and I heard what the guy said…someone will always beat even the hottest person at something somewhere…there will always be a better looking person around sometime…but that doesn't beat you in all your areas….and if someone does turn your boyfriend's head and he leaves you for them…then they weren't really yours to begin with and you're better off without them. That part I wasn't so sure about.
I left group without saying much and went to music class. Now I was part of the class. I was glad to see that Alexis girl wasn't a new student here. But watching Mr. Cullen made me a little sad somehow…and he looked at me strangely, his brow furrowed as if wondering what was wrong with me.
After class, I was helping him by collecting all the music like I usually did.
"What's the matter, Swan ?", he finally asked me.
"Nothing.", I lied, handing him the sheets of music. He didn't take them.
"Sit.", he demanded, knowing I was full of shit. I sat next to him on the piano bench.
"You've been quiet all day.", he observed aloud, his voice gentle but stern, "Tell me what's wrong. Did your father call you or something ?"
"No.", I looked at my hands, feeling stupid suddenly, "I'm just…I don't know."
Mr. Cullen exhaled and looked at the piano keys, then to me.
"Part of our relationship is communication.", he reminded, "I want you to drop this 'I don't know' crap and just say it."
"It's stupid.", I felt like a little kid suddenly, "It's that new girl in gym…Alexis…"
He looked confused and said, "What about her ? Did she do something to you ?"
"No, no…", I shook my head, staring at my hands…as he tipped my chin up so I'd look at him.
Once I saw his eyes I just had no defense whatsoever. Something broke and it all came pouring out.
"Do you like her ?", I asked meekly, "I mean, I know she's really pretty and she's good at basketball…"
He let a breath exhale from his smirked lips now, getting it…muttering, "Jesus…"
I felt tears come to my eyes and I was saying, "I know I'm being stupid…there's 316 other girls in this school that you…but I don't know…I just…got a bad feeling…"
"Swan…Swan…", he cut me off, then said…"Bella…"
"Look at me.", he was waiting for my eyes to raise to his…I knew my eyes were wet when I finally did look at him.
"I love you.", he said directly to me without hesitation, "Okay? In that respect you are not number 317, you're number 1. The only one. I'm sorry that there are 316 other girls that I…train…SOMETIMES. Like I said before, most of them I hardly even see. Most girls here can go months without seeing me. Some never do. "
"You don't have to explain anything…", I felt my voice cracking and I hated that, "I understand the situation…"
"Stop trying to sound so cool about it all.", he touched my arms, "It's alright to feel the way you do…if another guy came flirting with you I'd tear his arms off."
"Here.", he reached for a tissue and handed me one, "Wipe your eyes."
I did and he was talking to me.
"She's only a student, Bella.", he assured, "I just met her TODAY. I have no interest in her that way. Alright ?"
I nodded and tried to pull myself together. I hated that I was acting like some brat who was jealous and asking him questions. I wanted to be above that and act like it was alright with me. But I guess seeing it…seeing a girl who he seemed to like…sparked something inside me.
"You don't have to say that.", I told him, "It's okay…I don't want to be that girl…you can do what you want."
"I know that.", he answered, "But I'm saying it anyway. You have nothing to worry about. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you."
"You didn't.", I smiled weakly up at him, "You were just doing your job, it's my problem, don't apologize."
"Are you alright ?", he touched my hair but I felt myself standing up.
"Yea, I just don't feel very well…", I lied, "I'll see you later."
I ran out of there before he could say anything else. I had to get out because I started crying as I ran down the hall and outside, needing to get out and away from the building fast. He would hear me crying, I hate that. I knew he would feel bad and I thought for a second he'd appear right in front of me, trying to comfort me. But I didn't want that. I just needed some air and some time alone.
I found myself at the kennels before I was aware of it and I was walking Tank. He kissed me and loved me and that made me feel 90% better. I would talk to Master later and tell him I was fine. And I would be. I just needed to be pitiful alone for awhile. I never had to feel this before…this jealousy thing. I didn't like it at all…maybe he could hypnotize me or something.
I had dinner alone and went to my room, writing and reading a little…but I couldn't stop thinking about him. I think I hurt his feelings somehow and suddenly wanted to apologize to him. But he didn't run after me and I was glad about that. He let me calm down and be alone, I like that. I almost texted Jasper but I couldn't tell him about any of this.
Just as I felt my eyes close and Tank was sleeping on my stomach, I felt cold fingers moving the hair out of my eyes, softly…gently. A pair of lips touched my forehead and I opened my eyes. His face was right there, looking at me. God, he's so beautiful all the time. It almost hurts to look at him this close.
I let out a deep breath and smiled at him.
"Hi.", he said, smiling at me, tilting his head a bit.
"Hi.", I answered back, glad he wasn't mad at me.
"I'm so sorry that this isn't a normal relationship.", his arms encircled me, "I know it's your first…and it's my first too…I'm new at this. And I think I messed up."
"No—", I was about to talk when he put a finger to my lips.
"Now I know in your eyes I can do no wrong.", he grinned, "And if I ate a cat in front of the class you'd find a way to defend me and say it was just fine. But I get what you felt today. I didn't mean to do that to you. I was just being nice. Once in awhile, I do that. She's deaf and she was scared coming into class today. I just wanted to make her feel at ease."
"I know.", I nodded, not crying now.
I remember how scared I was going into gym class that first day. Maybe if he could've read my mind, he would've been a little nicer to me that day. But then my blood was torturing him at the moment.
"I told you that our relationship would become difficult now. Do you want to continue…with me ?", he asked very quietly.
My heart sped up as I looked at him, frowning.
"Yes !", I began to argue, "What—Of course I do-I love you, I don't want to break up-"
I was having a little panic attack now and he smiled, shushing me.
"Alright, alright, I was just asking…", he calmed me with his tone, "Calm down. I'm not breaking up with you."
I calmed immediately and took a deep breath, nodding.
"I just have to…get used to this.", I told him bravely, "I will. I promise."
He looked concerned about me and a little sad in his eyes. I wondered what he was thinking now.
"I would love it to be just you and I.", he stroked my cheek with the backs of his fingers, "You know that, right ?"
"Yes.", I smiled back, "I'm sorry I freaked out. I'm fine now."
"Can I hold you, Bella ?" he asked solemnly.
"Always.", I allowed as he crawled into bed with me and put his arms around me and Tank, and my face laid on his chest…hearing no heartbeat there. His lips kissed my head as he curled his leg over mine and snuggled me to him.
He didn't say anything for a long time…he just laid there and held me, kissing my fingers…tracing his fingers along my arms…not making any sexual move tonight. Part of me loved that…and another part of me hated it. I loved it when Tank woke up and started licking Master's mouth as he just laid there and took it.
I was laughing and he finally said, "Ukk."
Edward's POV:
I knew this would become a problem. I'm already making her sad. Love, you Goddamn curse…you're supposed to make people happy. But you don't, you only lure someone in so you can crush them in the most tragic ways.
I keep thinking of Esme…and Emma, Rebecca, Kitty, Amy and Joanna…my family that I lost. My love couldn't save them, either. Why am I playing this pointless game again ? I know how it will end. She will eventually tire of my lifestyle, not wanting a man who has 316 other women on the side. Now she's seen me with a girl that I would've gladly accepted into my little lair. Alexis is beautiful and sweet and athletic. That's all I required in a girl once. Her being deaf means nothing to me, in fact, it makes her more attractive. But I can hear her thoughts, if she were tied up I wouldn't need to sign with her to know what she's thinking.
But now that Bella has seen us together and got so upset about it, I can't pursue her. It didn't matter, I wasn't set on having Alexis but…I feel like I can't do what I want to do now. My inner demon hates that and he taunts me internally. I ignore him but still in my heart I know that Bella will soon become too hurt by me to keep saying I love you to me and mean it. I know I'm going to lose her and it does hurt me. Soon she will outgrow me and want more.
Part of me wants to call ten of my girls to me now and dine like a pig on them, making them interact with each other against their will…I always enjoyed that. But instead I go thirsty, playing my piano, hitting the keys a bit too hard. I'm back here again. This is what I was doing when I wanted Bella's blood and couldn't have it. She is poison to me. And I am poison for her. And yet we still want each other badly. Love is an evil bitch. She sucked me in again and I fell for it. Now I'm her plaything to toy with…and so is Bella.
Tomorrow I will summon a couple of other girls and try to behave as I used to. I will feed and do things to them that I cannot do to Bella. I already felt sorry for the girls, whoever they would be. But Alexis Grant is safe. Bella would have to be the one to order me away when she's ready. I found myself incapable of doing that to her again. Or myself.
Damn it, the music isn't even helping me now. I found myself in the forest, smashing boulders with my bare hands, uprooting trees and throwing them like javelins. I even grabbed a couple of deer and fed on them. It was okay but bland. I didn't care for animal blood, it was like eating diet food for a human.
And tomorrow my eyes would be a pale yellow color. I hated that. Red is my color, it's who I am. I'm no angel, I'm a demon. I accepted that a long time ago. Could I really be myself in the shadows while Bella slept and then in her presence be the saint she wanted me to be ? I didn't think so but…I found myself wanting to try. It was like splitting myself in two pieces. I don't think it will work but…I'll attempt it anyway. For her, it's worth a try.
The next day in gym class, I decided to be pissed at everyone. I was cranky and hungry and I didn't hide it. I even frowned and was short with Alexis, who did nothing at all to piss me off. But that seemed to make Bella happy and I was pissed at her for that too. She was used to Mr. Cullen being angry with her in gym so it was fine. The other girls were still being hostile towards Miss Swan and I allowed it. I can't be getting involved in these teenage dramas. I know they suspect me of doing away with Jackie Nickles. But they have no proof. They think Bella is involved, too. Let them think whatever they like, it'll keep them in line better.
I had found a moment in class to shout at every one of them at one point or another. It calmed me a bit as they avoided passing Bella the ball. She didn't mind. She was always on the outside of the action, far away, standing there, not wanting to play. That's me when it came to love all these years.
"Swan, when the ball hits you in the hands, you're supposed to CATCH it !", I shouted as Miss Harris stole the ball from her.
She looked embarrassed and her face flushed red as she chased Harris, with no prayer of getting that ball back.
I need a vacation.
END OF CHAPTER 35