Chapter 36.

Sarah put a cup of coffee on the table in front of Jules. "You don't look as if you slept much last night." she said.

Jules shook her head. "I'm not used to sleeping without him. Even when we're apart, he sends a text to say goodnight and I don't feel so alone. Losing him ... knowing it's really over ... I never felt like I needed anyone, until suddenly I had this gentle angel to watch over me. All night, I was just lying there, knowing whatever we had is gone forever."

"I spent most of the night awake worrying about the two of you. I wish now I'd gone to check on you." said Sarah.

"There was nothing you could have done."

"I could have hugged you, child. I could have sat with you. I could have made you feel less alone."

Jules put her head in her hands. "I never had any luck with men. Nobody really loved me. I was just there. Then I met Cas and suddenly, someone did care and he was fine with my dark moods and the night terrors and the suspicion I had toward angels and he said he loved me."

"He meant it." said Sarah.

"But loving me wasn't enough." said Jules, "And now, I get to spend the rest of my life alone."

"Not alone. You have me. Not the same, I know ... "

"You've been so kind to me, always." said Jules.

"Have you decided what you want me to say to him today?" said Sarah.

"I don't think I have a right to send any message. Nothing will change his decision and I don't want to make him feel bad about it. Just tell him I understand. That's enough, I hope, to take away some of his pain and guilt."

"Not many women would want to, after all this."

"I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could give him peace, even if it cost me my soul, my life, everything. If I could change things so I never existed in his life, I would. You know how he is. He'll be running this over in his head forever and feeling bad about it."

"I wish I could set both of you free to be together. He'll never find another love like yours."

"He won't look. He thought he was unworthy of love before. Imagine how he feels about it now. His gentle heart will die of loneliness and he'll live until the end of time, thinking he deserved that."

"No, he won't. If it takes me the rest of my life, I'll make him see that he doesn't and knowing you don't think that will help him to see it."

"I'm not sure I exist for him now." said Jules, "He'll certainly try not to think about me."

"When the boys bring the Jeep, do you want to see them?" said Sarah.

"I should thank them."

"No, there are no shoulds for you today. If you don't feel like dealing with visitors, I'll tell them you're not available."

Jules smiled slightly. "Thanks, but I'll be okay, as long as he's not with them."

"He won't be. They know he can't come here without clearing it with you. Dean might try to talk you into calling Castiel."

"Dean will do whatever he thinks is right for the people he loves."

"Yes, but remember that you're on that list too."

"And he's on mine, so I'm not about to start a fight with him. I can't face Cas today, but I know I'll have to say something to him, sometime, even if it's only to tell him I'm going back to my world."

"I hope that can be avoided. I hate the thought of you in that wasteland."

Jules took Sarah's hand and squeezed it. "Without him, this world is a wasteland too. I love the green, growing world you have here, but I can't enjoy it if I have to let him go. At least there, I can be of use for a while."

"Before the last of the food runs out and you all starve. You had no bees left there and no undamaged land to grow anything."

"Life wouldn't be long there, if nothing changes, it's true, but I wouldn't grow old here, either, as a hunter. And maybe, that world can be made green, somehow. It's something worth working for, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is." said Sarah, "And I'm glad you're not seeing it as certain death."

"Suicide is not my style. My will to live seems too strong."

"Good!"

"I just wish he had a share of it. He's sacrificed himself too many times and now he wants to make one final, eternal sacrifice. It's not fair."

"No, it isn't."

"And Heaven let him do it. Naomi let him do it."

"Do you know that for sure?"

"No, but I feel it."

"It might be best to get confirmation from him, before you seek revenge."

"Killing Michael comes before dealing with her, but her time will come."

"She may be almost as dangerous as Michael, from what Castiel has said."

Jules gave her a look that chilled her soul. "Sarah, what do you imagine I have left to lose?"

"Maybe nothing," said Sarah, "But I could lose a daughter I love very much."

Jules hugged her and burst into tears. Sarah held her close, hoping to be some small comfort to her. She stroked her back and whispered, "I love you, Jules. I always will."

"I know." sobbed Jules, "But he needs you too."

"And he has me, forever, but he and I can meet at the bunker for as long as you don't want him here."

"I need him here." said Jules, "But not telling me he can't love me, not telling me we can work together as friends. I was his friend, before and I loved him as a friend, but friends don't think constantly of rolling around naked."

"Not ideally." said Sarah.

Jules chuckled, still crying. "Inappropriate, I know."

"Not at all. I do remember how it felt to feel that way."

"I never want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"My dear, I've listened to men talk about tortures my mind could barely grasp. Hearing about sex really doesn't bother me at all."

Jules straightened up. "He was so good in bed. I mean, we never went all the way, but, he could be tender and passionate and he'd had a female body, so he knew a lot more than most. But what I miss most is just sleeping in his arms, falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. I miss the way he used to whisper, 'I love you.' I miss the sweet, spicy scent of his skin. I probably shouldn't be thinking about all this."

"No shoulds today. We can talk about anything. I don't think you'd find it easy to stop thinking about it."

"No, I guess not."