Chapter 36- Iry Coppersmith

I'm running, I'm running so fast, as fast as I can away from the waterfall, away from the cliff and the rocks and- and-

Terra, come get me! I want to go home!

I run so fast that I trip over my own feet and go headfirst into the sand. The sun's up, and I can see my hands, and they're dark, like always, but there's stains on them, and the stains are sticky-

Shuttle! Terra! Woven! Come get me! I don't want to play the Game anymore!

I manage to scramble to my knees, and I hold onto my blanket for dear life, the blanket that Terra sent me. I can't believe I'm here, that I did it, that I- that I-

Looking down at my pants, I can see dark red stains on them too. I'm shaky all over, and my heart's beating too fast, like I'm about to throw up. I'm not going to throw up, I've got to show Terra that I'm okay, that she doesn't have to worry about me.

Is she going to hate me?

I don't care if anyone can see me right now; I just curl down over my knees and pretend I don't exist, just for a moment. My necklace dangles and rests against my chin. Mother's ring.

She'd hate me too, and Father as well. They'd all hate me because I- I-

I killed Celosia.

Terra, you promised I wouldn't have to kill anyone! You told me to hide and I'd be okay. You promised!

Terra never breaks promises, but she couldn't keep this one, because I broke her promise for her! It's my fault; I didn't have to hurt Celosia; I could have just hidden for the rest of the night, or run away into the jungle. It's all my fault, and I just want to melt into the sand and the water and just stop. Stop everything.

She's watching me right now, and so is the rest of the country. I'm not being brave, and I have to be brave Iry if I'm going to get back to Terra. It's hard, but I manage to choke back my tears and straighten up, rubbing my stinging eyes with the back of one of my hands, the one that isn't so stained with-.

I'm so scared. I want to go home and get out of this place. I don't want anyone else to die. I don't want to die either! I'm the youngest in here now, and everybody's going to be hunting me. Where are the Careers? Where am I?

The arena is so big, and I'm so small in comparison. Even though I'm not even the smallest in here. I feel small, as small as a grain of sand. The sky's too big, too blue, and the ocean is too. All that water I can't drink.

As quietly as I can, I uncap my water bottle and sip a little out of it. Water helps a little bit, but not a lot. At least I grabbed my stuff before I ran away; my blanket and iodine and water bottle. Right after I dropped the rock and-

I can't help it; I burst into tears. Everything's just too horrible; I'm still shaking all over. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to kill Celosia! I did it to save me, and I don't think that reason is good enough at all.

Almost like magic, a parachute lands softly next to me; I didn't even see it coming. It's Terra, Terra's watching for me still! She doesn't hate me.

She killed a couple people too, didn't she? She's not going to hate me for killing Celosia.

I killed Celosia! It's too awful to think about. She wanted to win too, she said she was going to surprise everyone in the arena. Now she's not doing anything but going home, and she's not ever going to see her family again. I'm sorry, Celosia, I'm sorry!

Brushing away some more tears and hiccupping a little, I grab the parachute and open the package at its bottom. It's tiny; what is it? When I finally get it unwrapped, a cookie falls into my hand.

Gingerbread. My favorite. I look up to the sky and smile, for Terra, but I don't feel like smiling, and don't think I can eat her cookie yet. I feel sick, and eating cookies is wrong when people are dead. Especially when it's my fault for them being dead!

If I could wish on a star for anything now, it would to be anywhere but here. I want to be in the Capitol, on a train, back at home- anywhere but this arena! I've been in here three days, and I hate it, I hate everything in here!

I don't really like me right now either.

But I can't go home. I just sit and sit and sit, watching the water wash up near me. After a while I take a bite of my cookie; it tastes like sawdust. Capitol things are supposed to be tasty, but it's like everything about me's been turned off. I can't taste, can't feel anything.

Is this what being a tribute feels like? Like nothing at all?

When I look at my hands again, I can still see those stains, and I feel sick all over again. Putting my cookie down on the parachute, I scoot over to the water's edge and start scrubbing at my hands and, when they're clean, at my pants.

Celosia was just sleeping, and she never woke up. Because of me. She was all alone in here, like me. But I have mentors, and she doesn't. Didn't.

I'm thirteen and I'm a murderer.

When my pants are almost black with water, I stop scrubbing at them. My hands feel raw, and they're bright red from rubbing the fabric, and from the cold ocean. I don't like the ocean either; there's too much hiding in it for me to like it.

There's nothing like this back in District 8. It's a city of factories, and the only nice green place is the hill with the cemetery on it. That's where my mother and father, and Terra's Fletcher are.

Does District 12 have a pretty place where Celosia can go?

When I think about what I did, my senses all come back and I feel cold all over. I can still feel the big rock, how it felt to walk over with it and stand right above Celosia, how I lifted the rock and-

I'm not good anymore. I'm not Terra's good girl, I'm not her girl at all anymore, am I? I'm not even Iry anymore, because Iry wouldn't hurt anyone. Iry was good and nice and people liked Iry. Nobody's going to like me anymore.

I'm not Iry, not the same Iry, and I can't do anything about it. Nothing's ever going to be the same again, and all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. Back to when Terra and I lived with Father on Engineering Road, before her Games, before my Games, before all this happened.

Or even just back to Victor's Village, because then we'd have Woven and Shuttle and Woof, and Ribbons. Back to when I was a little girl.

The last thing Terra said to me was that I could do this. I'm here, I'm Iry Coppersmith. I'm thirteen, and I've killed a girl older than me, and stronger than me. I killed little girl Iry with that rock too, didn't I?

I'm Iry Coppersmith, I'm thirteen, and I'm the sister of a victor. If I don't win, she'll break apart, I know she will! I have to win for her, just like she won for me.

Even if it breaks me apart instead.