Evelyn POV

Standing in a quiet alcove, around the corner and tucked away from the transporter, John towered over me, rubbing the back of his neck. He honestly expected to believe all that was nothing? I knew it wasn't my business, I didn't NEED to know and that I should just keep things 'don't ask, don't tell', but I was never very good at that. Why do you think I was in the Stargate program, whose daughter do you think I am?

"Nothing, huh?" I scoffed, shaking my head.

"Evelyn," John sighed and I cut him off, throwing my hand up between us.

"Whatever it is, that's your business, John," I said and he looked down at me in disbelief.

"If you believed that, you wouldn't be bringing it up," he commented and I scowled at him.

"You're the one who said you wanted this to be a real thing, more than just two people sneaking around together for some bedroom fun," I pointed out. "I keep you in the loop John, that's what you asked of me. Now unless you and Weir were discussing matters of say, national security, I'd appreciate the same."

"Evelyn," he repeated, looking a combination of annoyed, exasperated and guilty.

"Forget it, I'm over reacting," I dismissed. I did not want to start a fight, not over what was basically nothing. I pushed off the wall I was leaning against and tried to get around John, and back out into the corridor, but his hands made contact with my upper arms. He pushed me back into the alcove and I raised an eyebrow.

"No, you're not," John admitted with a heavy exhale. "I just didn't want to tell you. I'm sorry okay, I didn't mean to make you feel like I was icing you out."

"What's so bad you didn't wanna tell me?" I asked. We'd discussed some pretty personal things over the last six months we'd been out here. Now he had things he wanted to keep to himself?

"It's not bad," he said. "I said something to Weir and I didn't want you to be mad. I didn't actually tell her anything, I just put some feelers out there."

"What?" I asked. "What do you mean?"

"I told Weir I maybe had feelings for someone on Atlantis and asked if that would be a problem," he told me. Oh. That was why he thought I'd be mad, why he didn't wanna tell me.

"And you were worried I'd cut and run if I found out," I thought out loud, nodding my head. I dropped my head to stare at my boots for a moment while I refocused. I pressed my lips together in a thin line, this wasn't a good start to things. Lying to me was more preferable to telling me the truth. Maybe I was being too insistent on doing things my way, and only really focusing on what I wanted but John shouldn't feel like he had to hide things from me, even if he's ignored what I wanted.

"I didn't think you'd leave me," he said. "Murder me maybe, but I didn't think I'd lose you. Just that you'd be upset."

"I was coming around to the idea, I said as much this morning," I said. "Which I'm assuming is why you wanted to get a jump on things. You're not one for sitting around idle. I just wish you'd told me. Or even if you hadn't, now when I asked, if you'd just not brushed it off as nothing. This isn't a good start. If we're serious about us, we can't be hiding things from each other. Even if we think the other will be mad."

"I know," he sighed. "I guess I just fell into how things used to be with Nancy and I. I'm sorry. This is new, you're new. And honestly, the way I did things last time didn't exactly go well for me."

"Went pretty well for me though," I pointed out, trying to ease the tension with a joke. He quirked a brow.

"How?" he scoffed.

"Well, if you hadn't have broken up with Nancy, we'd never have met," I pointed out. "Or if we did, I'd have never have seen the inside of your bedroom. And then even if I had've joined the Stargate program, we wouldn't be here having this argument."

"That's true," he shook his head. "Thanks past John for fucking up your marriage. If not for you then Evelyn wouldn't be getting laid."

"I didn't mean.."

"I know, I'm sorry," he said and I sighed.

"I want this to work. For so many reasons but the most important one is that you've become important to me, more than you should," I told him, stepping away from him to lean up against the wall again. "I wanna do this, and I think I'm okay with dealing with the fallout of going public. Just, in baby steps."

"Yeah?" he asked, perking up considerably. He stood a little taller, looking like a puppy who'd just been asked to go for a walk.

"I might slip into conversation with Weir I have a thing for someone out here," I explained. "And a little later we can tell her. But from there I want to wait a while before we tell everyone else. I especially don't want gossip from here to get back to Stargate Command before I get the chance to tell the General. Or else we might not wanna go back to Earth for a while."

"You're not serious," John said and I nodded. "You're a grown woman with a PHD and a military career."

"And a year ago I was undergoing physical therapy, refusing to wash my hair, and locking myself in my room while he sat outside my bedroom door and listened to me sob," I replied. "I was always tough, even before Charlie, but after losing one kid and having an almost moment with me he's been overprotective since. I think that's part of the reason he tried to get me out here. I'd be getting back on the horse but he would have to see it."

"I guess I understand," he said softly. He looked like he wanted to say more, but didn't know what.

"So can we please agree on this?" I asked and he nodded.

"Yeah, we can hold off," he agreed.

"You keep saying that," I pointed out. "And when you do, you either spend the rest of the time trying to sway me, or going behind my back."

"I mean it this time," he said firmly. "I promise, you can set the pace."

"Alright," I accepted. I looked around, it was a miracle that no one had come by in the time we'd been hiding in this alcove and seen us. I shifted, standing in front of him and looked by him, I wanted to leave but he looked like we weren't done. There was still tension, things still felt unresolved.

"I need to get to the gym," I said and he raised an eyebrow. "I wanna see if Ronon will spar with me."

"I could.." he started but I cut him off.

"Thanks I appreciate that, but I'd really like to get some training from Ronon," I told him.

"I have to get going anyway," he sighed, deflated. "I imagine Weir will want some help with the Genii we're releasing and it's kind of my job."

"Are you busy later?" I asked him. He shook his head. "Wanna come round and finish that movie?"

"Sounds good," he smiled. He ducked down and kissed my forehead, breathing in deeply and pausing for a moment, resting his face in my hair. Pulling away he quickly pressed a kiss to my cheek and then ducked in for another quick peck on the lips. I smiled, shaking my head as he stepped back and moved to leave.

"See you Maverick," I teased, nicknaming him after the Top Gun lead and he smiled cheekily back at me, shaking his head. He walked around the corner then, leaving me in our private spot to go forth and figure out what the hell was going on in my head.

I found Ronon easily, he was in his usual haunt and eager to train me. I didn't have to explain why, just that I didn't want him to go easy on me anymore. That the training was more important. He grinned at me every time I landed a hit, praising me when I did something unexpected or executed a move he taught me well. But I was still worried it wouldn't be enough. Yesterday was close, the time with Ellia was close. I could not afford to cut things so finely again.

John POV

I'll be the first to admit, when Weir and I met up with Rodney in the lab, where the Dart had been taken apart and brought to, I wasn't giving it my full attention. I was conflicted, Evelyn wasn't mad about me saying something to Elizabeth, which was good. And she was open to the idea of going public, it just wasn't soon. Which meant more early mornings, late nights, and sneaking around. It was also clear something else was bothering her, but she wouldn't quite let me in on it.

She could be so frustrating. I spent most of my marriage to Nancy wanting to talk but being unable to and now I was with Evelyn, I was finally able to talk without having to worry about clearance and she kept trying to shut me out. I rubbed a hand over my face. I just needed to get her seeing us as one unit, then she'd see we'd have to discuss things and make decisions together. Although, a lot could be said about me. I did kind of go behind her back with the Elizabeth thing.

"You alright, John?" Elizabeth asked and I turned to her.

"Uh, yeah, this is just," I started and she nodded.

"I know," she agreed. "This is a lot. Ethically, pragmatically, it's a big decision."

"Let's get this over with," I sighed, looking back at the taped off area the lab techs had set up to start beaming people out into. "We have no idea how long people can be held in there without complication, and they've been waiting long enough."

McKay offered me a singular nod before typing away on his laptop. One by one, Elizabeth and I watched him beam a full strike team onto our base. We'd tried so hard to keep them all out, and now we were willingly beaming them in. Although, I doubted this was their intention.

"Welcome to Atlantis," Elizabeth greeted, drawing the Genii soldiers' attention. "If you'll follow me, we have a lot to catch you up on."

I walked point beside Elizabeth while two of my guys marched behind the group, making sure no one wandered off. They seemed compliant enough. I was on the fence over whether or not they were complicit in the plants to destroy Atlantis or not. Although the entire plan is completely theorised since both involved parties are dead.

I noticed them looking around a lot but by the time we got into the meeting room, most of their glances were at each other and of concern. I stood beside Elizabeth the the front of the room, waiting for them all to take a seat. Making themselves comfortable, they looked unto us. They still looked concerned, although if I'd just appeared at my not quite enemy's base I'd be pretty worried too.

"So I can imagine you are all at a place of unease," Elizabeth started. "And believe me I appreciate that…"

Seemingly uncaring Elizabeth was in the middle of talking, one of the Genii cut her off almost immediately. "Where is Petra?" she asked. The room murmured in agreement, everyone continuing to look around and nod amongst each other.

"I'm sorry, who are you talking about?" Elizabeth replied, although I imagine the two of us had a fair idea who she was talking about.

"Petra Novak, she's quite small, red hair, very young," the woman described.

"She is one of our newest soldiers, this is her first away mission," another continued. My lips pressed together into a thin line. This was awkward.

"You see, the thing is," I started.

"That's what we wanted to ask about, actually," Elizabeth jumped in. "We were first alerted to your presence in the city when one of our sensors recorded some damage to one of our buildings."

"Heading to the site, we found some uniform shreds," I continued.

"Uniform shreds?" an older man asked. "What does this have to do with the Wraith that brought us here?"

"So it was a Wraith that brought you here," I said, this was going to be easier than I thought.

"Yes, we were on a scouting mission when a lone Dart flew overhead and started collecting members of our team. We were able to cause some damage but were ultimately caught," the woman explained.

"If she's not here it's possible that she managed to evade capture," the first man explained.

"Do you think she made it back home?" the second one asked.

"If that's the case the Genii probably assume we're dead," the woman said somberly.

"I'm afraid we have more bad news," Weir said gently. The strike team turned their attention to the front of the room again. "We did come across one other Genii soldier."

"Of course, the uniform scraps," the first guy nodded to himself. "Tell me, what became of Petra?"

"My colleague and I found her too late when we were sweeping the building for the intruder," I explained, thinking about how upset Evelyn had seemed over the incident. While she'd remained calm in the initial incident with the Wraith, humorous even, once the situation turned so too did her demeanor. She hasn't been right since, not really. I'd need to check on her later, it was a good thing we had plans to hang out.

"So he brought her here? What purpose would that serve?" the second guy asked.

"We have a theory," Weir explained.

"We're thinking our Wraith friend was just collecting snacks and trying to find a planet to settle on when he found our mainland. When he brought Petra out to feed on she managed to bargain for her freedom."

"By selling out the Lantian homeworld," the woman said, nodding along with the murmuring crowd. "This is unsurprising."

"We figure she heard about how we managed to save the city during the last storm and not fully understanding how our city works, offered the Wraith a deal," I told them and they accepted this as plausible.

"Bring Atlantis to its knees in exchange for her freedom," the second man said.

"We have intel that this Wraith was working outside the bounds of it's mothership, exiled," I said. "We just just needed to find out if you were in on this plan."

"No," the woman told us. "I doubt Petra even worked us into her deal."

"Oh?" Weir asked, raising a brow, surprised. She leaned back in her chair, I also found this pretty interesting.

"Novak is very ambitious, which is why, despite being very new, she was sent out with us," the first man said. "If she was working alongside a Wraith she was working alone. I imagine if she had plans to exchange her freedom for the location and downfall of Atlantis, she also had plans to gate back to our homeworld and take credit for the victory against your city."

"So you had no idea what Petra was planning," I confirmed and they all nodded in agreement.

"We are just grateful, Colonel Sheppard, that we have escaped being food for the Wraith," the woman told us.

"What is to become of us now?" the first man asked.

"Well, we can't keep you here, and we're not planning on putting you back in that thing," I said.

"So may we return home?" the first man asked.

"We'd like to send you back," Weir agreed. "But we have some concerns…"

"You want to be able to confirm the security of your city," the woman agreed. "I am Vihra Kafka, I lead this team. I am willing to personally promise that neither the Wraith or the others back home will hear of what happened today. Atlantis's status is safe with the Genii. We will not give you up."

"Well, that's good enough for me," I sighed. While I doubted our still being here would actually be kept secret from the other Genii, I knew at least they wouldn't sell us out to the Wraith. In fact, they probably already knew about our remaining existence, which was how Petra was able to make her deal in the first place. "Let's get you guys out of here."

Handing the rescued Genii over to the Gateroom team's marines I headed to the mess. It was about dinner time and I figured I'd be able to get a judge on Evelyn's mood while we were eating so I'd know what to expect tonight.

I lazily pushed my tray along the counter, picking through the options before heading to our usual table to eat. Rodney and Teyla were sitting quietly and eating, the latter mostly ignoring the former as Rodney was as usual ranting on about something and nothing.

"Where's the others?" I asked, sitting down.

"Ugh, still in the gym," Rodney rolled his eyes. "I tell you, once that woman gets her mind set on something, there's no changing it. I tried to get her to come go over the new data we had on Wraith Darts with me but she was completely uninterested."

"They're still there?" I repeated.

"Yes, it would seem so," Teyla agreed. "It's odd, Ronon has always had a certain fondness for training but he does not usually skip meals."

"It's probably Evelyn's influence," I sighed. "She can be pretty one track minded."

"Like I said," Rodney agreed. "I can understand when she gets so hyper focused on projects in the lab, but I figured she'd give up on this pretty quickly at least. Unless she enjoys getting beaten up. People like us usually try and avoid all forms of physical violence after experiencing it for four years in high school."

"You make the mistake of believing she's a scientist before she's a soldier," I said and he shook his head, raising a finger at me. "Plus, I'm pretty sure she was fairly popular in high school."

"She's a pilot, not a soldier," Rodney pointed out. "Unless you're telling me pilots have a strange liking for getting their teeth knocked out, I'm certain that there's something wrong with Evelyn."

"I wouldn't call it strange," I joked. I put my fork down and shook my head. I knew something was up. "No, pilots don't usually like getting beaten up, which is why we stick to the air. Her file did say she was highly trained in combat before her accident though."

"Oh, yeah she apparently used to train with Teal'c as a teenager before she joined the airforce," Rodney said dismissively. "Something about her dad needing to find ways of keeping her busy without exposing her to too much privileged information."

"So he had her spend extensive time with an actual alien," I replied shaking my head again. That General O'Neill again. He really did make some strange moves on the chess board, but, he'd yet to lose a game.

"So Evelyn's father was also a member of the Stargate team?" Teyla asked.

"Yeah, he's the leader of Stargate Command right now, took over from Weir when she came out here, he used to lead SG1 before he got promoted. Evelyn said it was a secret blessing because if he was still going off world he wouldn't have been able to take leave to help her through her recovery," I explained to her.

It was one of the many conversations the two of us had had when we used to stay up late together and watch the skies. It wasn't that long ago, but the time spent together over a beer seemed so much simpler.

"Oh yeah, that's right, just after you got the chair to work he took a bunch of time off, we had to email him everything and resort to video calls and voicemail to communicate with him. I remember being annoyed about it at the time, I never thought about why," Rodney admitted. "I was surprised he was there when we launched. Apparently he left pretty soon after and things didn't really go back to normal until we first gated back to Earth. Guess it all makes sense now."

"I did not realise Evelyn had lost her arm such a short time ago," Teyla said. "It is amazing how quickly she has come back to work."

"Yeah," I agreed. It was a little soon.. maybe a little too soon. Maybe this was what was going on.. "I'm gonna go check out their training for myself. See just how beat up the two of them are."

"While you're there, perhaps you could actually practice what I taught you before our next training session," Teyla remarked. I smiled to myself. "I am not joking, John. There is little point to our lessons if you do not practice your skills between them."

"I know, I know," I dismissed. "I'll get on it."

I picked up my tray and put it on the returns trolley, heading straight to the gym to see this hyper focused episode for myself. I just hoped she wasn't back on the no sleeping thing again as well. I rarely suggested visits to see our resident psychologist but in this case maybe seeing Heightmeyer might prove useful.

I was outside the training room and could hear the grunts and moans from down the hall. They only got louder as I approached the nearly always open door and stepped through just in time to see Evelyn fly over Ronon's shoulder and slam down hard into the mats.

"Ugh," she groaned, pushing herself up as quickly as possible. She was still in the uniform she'd put on this morning, having not decided to go back to her room and change first, implying she'd come straight here from our conversation and been here since.

"Come to get your ass kicked too?" Ronon taunted, acknowledging my presence. He'd noticed me as soon as I stepped into the room, but had been more focused on his sparring partner at the time.

"You wish that's what's happening," Evelyn spat and threw up a hit. He caught it and the two hit and blocked step for step, pushing forward and back but making no real advances either way.

"All this time and you've yet to beat me, what happened since last time? Don't tell me that was a fluke," Ronon said and she growled. I raised an eyebrow at his antagonising, was now really the time?

"All this time and you've yet to win," Evelyn countered, wiping some sweat off her brow.

"Maybe we should take a break," Ronon suggested after he'd made eye contact with me over her head. She shook hers, rolling her shoulders in their joints.

"I don't need a break," she replied. "Let's keep going."

"Come on, Evelyn, what's five minutes?" I asked. "You've kept going this long, surely you can pick things back up again."

"I could," she agreed. "But I don't need to. Because I can keep going now."

"Can you?" Ronon challenged and she pushed forward, starting the next round.

"Yes, I can," she said through her teeth, swinging her hits in but getting nowhere. She looked angrier now than she had when I'd first walked in. The two fought for another five minutes or so before I tried again.

"You know, I was surprised I didn't see you at dinner," I said. "We missed you. Team's not the same when it's down two members."

"Not hungry," Evelyn replied. "You'll live."

"I could eat," Ronon said, looking up at the clock and taking his eyes off his opponent. It bore little consequence to his match, though, as he was a much larger, more skilled fighter than she. She grumbled at that, hitting him harder to gain back his attention.

"Am I not interesting enough anymore? Should I be more creative with where I'm aiming?" Evelyn scolded. "Don't take your eyes off the fight, Ronon, you should know that."

"It doesn't make much difference here," Ronon answered honestly. Mistake. "I'm ready to stop for the night, I gotta grab some dinner before the mess closes."

"Five more minutes," Evelyn argued. "The mess never closes, it's always open for night shift workers."

"Come on, Evelyn, he doesn't wanna miss out on the Salisbury steak," I tried and she pulled back from Ronon with an exaggerated huff. She looked like she wanted to punch my lights out as Ronon stepped back to grab his stuff. He headed out the door quickly while she rounded on me.

Evelyn POV

I watched Ronon's back as he left the training room, leaving John and I alone inside. It was getting late and we'd been training for a while, but that hadn't been a problem for Ronon before. Angrily, I launched myself at John. This was on him. Ignoring the beads of sweat pouring down my skin I threw my hands up in the air.

"What the hell was that?" I demanded and he pulled back a bit as he stood before me, raising a brow at my furious action.

"I could ask you the same," he countered and I scowled at him. I shook my head with a scoff, I was not in the mood. "Evelyn it's been hours since you left for the gym. Weir and I already got stories from the Genii and sent them all back through the Gate. You've been here this whole time?"

"Yeah, I needed the practice," I agreed, still annoyed he'd ended things early. "Rodney stopped by to get me to come into the lab with him but I told him I was busy and he understood. I don't see why you can't. What, are you jealous?"

"He's the one who told me you were still here," John scoffed. "Of course I don't care who you train with, that's not what this is about."

"What is this about, then? That's what I asked," I said. I folded my arms over my chest, gripping the honeycombed prosthetic hard to keep my anger at bay. I was seething. "Why did you pull me out? Why did Rodney send you down here? And Ronon! Since when has he ever backed down from a fight? Like I need the three of you ganging up on me."

"We were concerned about you," John said and it was my turn to scoff. He looked annoyed at that, shifting to try and maintain his calm body language. I knew I was pushing his buttons, I was hoping if I did he'd leave me alone to keep practicing. Ronon might have been gone, but that didn't mean I couldn't do this without him.

"I don't need your concern, John, you know I could have kept going," I argued. "I don't need someone making my decisions for me and I don't need someone telling me when I need a break."

"What the hell is going on with you?" He raised his voice a little with that one, pausing for a moment to level his tone. "Since when do you train this hard?"

"Why is it a problem if I wanna get more practice in?" I asked. We stood five feet apart and I was sure if anyone was to walk into the corridor they'd hear us arguing without having to enter the room.

"Why do you need to?" He said. "You're a good fighter, you hold your own against me, you've already proven you can hold your own against Ronon. You've fought off and killed two Wraith. Why are you suddenly going so hard?"

"Because I can't," I told him, shaking my head.

"What?" he said, confused.

"Because I can't hold my own against the Wraith John," I told him, struggling to keep my voice from cracking. "Because when I was holding my own against Ronon, he was holding back, going easy on me. When I was holding my own against you, I lost. And when I was fighting Ellia, when I was fighting that Wraith yesterday I almost didn't win. I wasn't holding my own, John."

"Evelyn," he said softly, voice filled with empathy and realisation. But I didn't want his comfort, I wanted his understanding. I wanted to be allowed to train as hard as I wanted, when I wanted.

"No, John!" I cried out. "You almost died, twice. And the common link there is I let the Wraith get the upper hand. I got lucky twice, and there's not going to be a third time. I can't let there be a third time."

"Evelyn you're not the common link. And I didn't almost die, there was a scuffle, things might have looked bad but this is the Air Force. We're out here in the Pegasus Galaxy and the Wraith are a recurring threat. We're going to keep coming across them and they can be difficult to fight. Ellia was harder to fight because she'd just been given super powers from the retrovirus and that other Wraith had just fed, of course he was strong. None of that is your fault."

"I keep slipping up, the gun jammed and John, next time they could be just as strong, and we might not be as lucky," I said, bottom lip wobbling. "I know it's not my fault, rationally, but I was there. That scared me, this is a problem and when I have a problem I fix it. But I can't fix this, there's nothing I can build, nothing I can fly, no daring rescue. I don't know what to do here. The only thing I can do is get stronger, and I can't do that if you pull me out when I'm finally getting somewhere."

"You also can't do that if you burn yourself out," he told me. "I'm not saying you can't train. But you're supposed to be taking it easy after your brush with hypothermia and being almost fed on. If you want to get better you have to train regularly, not full throttle all at once."

"I just don't know what else to do," I said, shaking my head and bringing my organic hand up to my face to wipe away some tears that had broken free and started to trail down my sweaty cheeks. "I don't want to feel like this, there's this weight pressing down on me. I feel guilty that I wasn't good enough, that things almost went so badly. If I was better, then maybe those things wouldn't have happened. God, I almost lost you, you weren't moving…"

"I just don't understand why you can't see why both of those situations were improved by your being there, Evelyn," John told me, stepping closer as I held myself tightly. I could feel the hard, webbed prosthetic pressing into my stomach and I gripped my face, trying to hold back more tears. I couldn't stop feeling guilty. I couldn't stop.

"Because of you, twice, you prevented something awful from happening to me," he told me and closed the distance completely. The toes of our boots touched and he leaned down to look at me. He was close enough his breath bounced off my forehead and I shook.

"John," I whispered, throat burning as I tried to keep the rock at bay.

"Please," he begged. "Stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong."

"I need to go get cleaned up," I told him, stepping back and heading for the door.

I could feel myself inches away from a full meltdown and suddenly all the sweat was making me itch. I needed to wash away this feeling. Between Charlie, and my Lieutenant, and failing to keep an eye on Ellia, I just couldn't seem to make the right choices. I'll be damned if John got hurt because of those wrong choices. I wasn't going to let anything happen to him too.

I hurried to my quarters, practically running the closer I got to my door. I burst through it and locked it behind me. I went straight into the bathroom and threw on the hot tap, practically ripping off my boots and socks. I stepped into the steam filled shower, adjusting the temperature so there was actually some cold coming through as the water beneath my feet scalded the skin and the tiles.

I shoved my face under the burning rain and frantically tore through the buttons on my black shirt. It hit the shower floor with a wet flop and I started on my bottoms, undoing the button and shoving the cargo pants down my legs. I was shaking as my skin turned red, standing in my underwear and a tank top as I tried to stop the sobs from coming out. I hadn't felt like this in a long time. I let out a cry and punched the shower wall. I leaned forward, propping myself with my prosthetic, having not gotten around to taking it off, and gripped my face with my biological hand. The tears spilled freely then, my body lurching with every whine.

I let out a pathetic whimper as my new arm fell the rest of the way to the counter top and clattered against the granite. There were blood spatters on the white benchtop and I whined, touching the tender skin. The surface around where the prosthetic lined up with all the skin that had been under it all day, was rubbed raw. I'd had some blisters, I'd been trying to ignore the discomfort as I got used to this. But now I'd completely broken the skin and the blisters had burst.

I hated this. I didn't feel grateful to still be here, this wasn't fair. I was doing the right thing and I was aware of the consequences involved with doing my job. I was fully prepared to die in the fight for freedom, what I was not expecting was to live, but like this. I'd lost my left hand. How was I supposed to do this without even getting away with my dominant hand? I would never fly again. I couldn't do anything anymore. I couldn't even tinker around with the toaster anymore.

"Oh sweetheart," I heard and looked up to see my dad looking at me sympathetically. He'd walked into the kitchen to find me standing at the counter gripping my face as I tried to hold in the tears. The pressure in my chest built up to agonising levels.

"Dad," I wailed. He moved then, rushing forward and grabbing hold of me.

He held me, arms tightly wrapped around me as I let the sobs completely wrack my body. He rubbed my back and whispered gentle words of comfort, but it didn't fix anything. Him calling me sweetheart and telling me everything was okay would not make my arm grow back. This wasn't fair.

"Let me see that arm, pumpkin," he said, pulling back and patting the benchtop. I hopped up, tears still streaming down my face as I sat on the counter, like I used to when I was a kid and he was fixing a scraped knee. The lump in my throat hadn't dissipated with the tears spilled, it still sat like a hard rock making it hard to speak, to breathe.

"This isn't fair," I said, shaking as he cleaned the broken skin with some peroxide.

"I know pumpkin," he told me, covering the wounds with gauze and wrapping a bandage around my stump. "It's not fair and it's not going to be easy. And your life's never going to be the same. But it's still your life. You still have a life."

"But what kind of life is this?" I cried. "I can't even tie my hair up on my own anymore. Buttons are difficult, buttons! I'm 24 years old! I shouldn't have to wear shoes with velcro! This isn't fair!"

"I know," he said softly. "It's hard. It's going to be hard, but you're alive. You're here. You made it back. You're still here."

"Dad I don't want to be," I told him and he looked up at me, eyes wet and threatening to let tears break the dam he'd been barely keeping at bay.

"I know," he said, voice cracking. "But you're going to stay. You have to stay."

What was the point of surviving that crash, doing all that physical therapy, toughening up the skin of my arm and sending my ass all the way out here if I wasn't actually doing anything? If I wasn't helping anyone why was I here? Surely I could be just as useless at home. And at least there I wasn't risking anyone else's life.