trigger warning

Chapter Thirty-Six: I Lay Awake at Night and Think, my Thoughts are Relentless

"...a therapist, you will be supervised at all times, and you will be staying in here for the time being."

Remus looked up. Madam Pomfrey had been talking, but he wasn't paying attention to most of it. They were all overreacting. He was fine. He didn't need all of this shit. He needed to be alone.

He also wanted Sirius. But he had told Sirius that he hated him. And he regretted it so much. There were a lot of things that Remus did that he knew he should probably regret, and he didn't. This was different. He had seen the pain in Sirius's eyes. And he hated himself even more for causing it.

"Mr. Lupin?"

"Hm?"

"I asked if you had any questions."

Remus shook his head.

"Were you even listening?"

"Yeah," said Remus. He hadn't been.

Madam Pomfrey looked skeptical. "Then what did I say about the therapist?"

"That there is one?" said Remus, though it sounded more like a question.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "I said that you'll be seeing one, starting tomorrow. And they will be the one who determines certain things."

Remus groaned inwardly. He did not want to see a therapist. He didn't need one. And he wouldn't talk to one. It would be lying, lying, lying. Then again, that was nothing new. Because he was fine, right? That's what he told himself. That's what he told everyone else. But deep down, he knew that he was anything but fine.

Sirius awoke with the worst headache of his life. The room was bright, and it hurt his eyes. He groaned and pulled his pillow over his face. "Fuck me," he groaned loudly.

"No thanks," said a much too cheerful voice next to the bed. "I don't think Remus would appreciate that. I'll leave it to him."

"Fuck off, James," he muttered.

James pressed a potion bottle into his hand, and he swallowed it without a question. He felt the instant relief of the pain potion and sighed. "Thanks, bro," he said, sitting up.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" James yelled.

Sirius looked at him blankly.

"You drank half a fucking bottle of firewhiskey on a Saturday morning, then pass out for 18 hours! What the fuck!"

Sirius held up his hands. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Sorry doesn't fucking cut it," James said. "What is going on?"

"I needed to forget."

"What? What did you need to forget?"

"Remus and I had a sort of fight. He said he hated me."

James rolled his eyes. "He could never fucking hate you, Siri. Trust me on this."

Sirius looked doubtfully at James. "He didn't come back last night, did he?"

"Nope," said James, shaking his head. "Is he ok?"

"Relatively speaking, I guess so."

"That answer is fucking bullshit and you know it."

"I don't know what I'm allowed to say. But he's ok. I think he's in the hospital wing."

"Fuck," breathed James. "Honestly what the fuck has been going on?"

"I don't even know."

James didn't push it any farther. Sirius stood up. "I'm going to the hospital wing," he said.

"Will they let you in?"

Sirius shrugged. "I'm about to find out."

Remus face down lay on the bed in the tiny white room. They had taken his wand, his blade, anything that he might possibly be able to use to hurt himself. He was pretty sure they were watching him. He had tried to sleep, but he lay awake at night; his thoughts were relentless. It was unbearable.

He wanted to cut. He wanted to feel the pain. He wanted to see the blood welling up from them. He wanted that peace. He wanted that silence in his head. But it would only last for a minute. So he would do it again. And again. And again.

They wouldn't let him. They wouldn't let him cut, wouldn't let him leave. They kept him from doing everything that made him even slightly happy. They weren't going to let Sirius visit for now, he knew that. Sirius probably didn't even want to see him, though. Sirius probably still thought that Remus hated him. He probably hated Remus back.

He wasn't crying. Not because he didn't want to, but because he couldn't. He had cried and cried, and now there were no tears left. So he lay there, unmoving and silent, letting the thoughts come. Entertaining them made him more miserable, but he didn't care.

"What can I do for you today, Mr. Black?" asked Madam Pomfrey.

"I was wondering if I could maybe visit Remus?"

She shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry," she said genuinely. "Mr. Lupin isn't allowed to have any visitors at the moment."

"Oh."

"I really am sorry, Mr. Black."

"It's ok. I get it." He paused for a minute. "Is he ok? What's going to happen?"

"I'm afraid I can't discuss that with you," Madam Pomfrey replied. "That is confidential information between myself, Mr. Lupin, Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall, and any other medical professionals that might be involved."

Sirius nodded. "It's fine." He turned to go. "Tell him I say hi, will you?"

"Of course."

Remus didn't move when he heard the lock turning. The door swung open. He just lay there, wallowing in self-hatred and sadness.

"Mr. Black came by," Madam Pomfrey said.

Well, that was certainly unexpected. Remus still didn't move, but he was listening.

"He said to tell you hello."

Remus didn't say anything. He didn't acknowledge that he had even heard her.

"Mr. Lupin? Remus?"

Remus was silent. He wanted to get out of here. He wanted to get away from everyone. He wanted to cut. He wanted to die.

When it became clear that he wasn't going to respond, Madam Pomfrey left the room. Remus heard her lock the door behind herself. That was the worst part. They didn't trust him at all. Remus didn't blame them at all, he wouldn't trust himself either, but it still hurt.

Sirius sat on a couch in the common room, holding his open Transfiguration book in front of his face. He looked up when he felt someone sit down next to him.

"Hey," said Lily.

"Hey."

"How're you doing?" asked Lily softly.

"Fine," said Sirius. "Just reading." He held up the book.

Lily just looked at him. "Sirius, it's upside down."

Sirius looked surprised; he hadn't even realized. Lily noticed. She sighed. "How're you actually doing?"

Sirius just shrugged. "I can still hear it," he said quietly. "I can't fucking get it out of my head. And the alcohol doesn't help."

"Were you drinking?" Lily asked, disapprovingly.

Sirius looked down sheepishly. "I may or may nor have bought half a bottle of firewhiskey off Benjy Fenwick yesterday and gotten wasted. I could still hear him saying it."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

Sirius stood up and walked to the dorm. He was exhausted. He dropped the book on the floor and lay face down on his bed. He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. He wanted to drink, but the alcohol wouldn't help. He wanted Remus, but Remus hated him.

Remus wondered what the point of this all was. He wondered what the point of life was. He wondered what death would feel like. He wondered how Sirius was. Fuck, he wanted Sirius. But Sirius probably hated him.

A/N:

i'm so numb. i still have so many missing physics assignments. and shit to do this weekend. fuck me. i hate myself so much. i'm so fucking stupid. i also miss my ex so badly. he's an asshole, but i still miss him. i keep thinking back to stuff with him. i'm so fucking starved for attention and shit. i just want to kiss someone. i just want someone to hug me and to genuinely want to be with me. i just want someone to face time with late at night and make stupid plans about if they were to sneak into my room. i just want to have someone say they care about me. i want the little cheek kisses and soft kisses and secret kisses when no one's looking, and the kisses in the middle of the street when we're crossing and the kisses at a park against a tree and the passionate kiss and hands in places and i just want someone to be there for me like that

take care, drink some water, be nice to yourselves. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn