"Alex," Kara gaped into the phone, as soon as she stepped through her apartment door. "I think it was a date…"
On the other end of the line, the hero's sister had to cover her own mouth to stifle the laugh.
"Alex?!" the Kryptonian cried. "Are you—"
"Yeah! Sorry. I was just—Anyway… How do you feel about that? And how did it go?"
"It went great," the blonde sighed. "It was awesome."
"Okay… Then why do you sound so incredibly miserable?"
"I don't know…" Kara lied, dropping her head into her hand.
Sounding as irritated and unconvinced as she felt, Alex warned her, "Don't lie to me, Kara. I always know when you're lying. Tell me the truth. Why do you sound miserable? What's wrong?"
"I don't know, Alex. Really. I just… I feel guilty, I guess."
"What? Why?"
"Because… I love Lena, and—"
"Kara, listen. You were right in what you said a while ago. You've gotta give up the ship."
"But—"
"No, really. I wasn't sure before you said it, but thinking on it now… you deserve to be happy, Kar. Really happy. With someone who loves you as much as you love them. Someone who understands and—"
"Hey. No. I'm not looking for another relationship, okay? I'm just giving up on love in general. I didn't think tonight was a date when I agreed to it, and now I feel stupid. Can you just be supportive and stop trying to hook me up with the intern?"
"I'm not triyng to hook you up. You're hooking you up. Unintentionally, maybe, but still. And anyway, I am being supportive! You just don't like the support I'm providing," Alex huffed.
"That's…. That's not…"
"It's totally true, and you know it!"
"Alright, whatever. Point is, I didn't mean to go on a date, and I did, and now I don't know what to do."
"Okay, so just… decline further invitations and stay friends?"
Biting her lip, Kara slowly confessed, "I kinda already told her I had fun and would go out again."
"Wow, Kar, that's—"
"But it was before I realized it was a date!"
"Oh, boy. You are in hot water, aren't you?"
"Mhmm."
"So… What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know!" the hero cried. "That's why I called you!"
"Ohhh. I see. You want to know how to drop the intern like she's hot without breaking her heart."
"Well… I guess so. I mean, I don't want to drop her. I want to stay friends, but I…"
"You…?"
"I honestly did have a really good time, Alex."
Letting out an exacerbated sigh, the hero's sister stated, "Okay, now my head's spinning. Are you into this girl or not?"
"She's not a girl! She's a lady!"
"She's an intern."
"Whatever. Still. And… I don't know, Alex," Kara groaned. "I honestly don't know."
"Wow," Alex chuckled. "You're a cradle robber. How old is this girl, anyway? 18?"
"Okay, stop. She's like 22, and I am not a cradle robber! I don't even… We're not even… And she asked me out, not the other way around!"
"So, it definitely was a date then."
"I don't know! Probably. Ugh, I'm in so much shit, Alex."
"Kar. Breathe. It's gonna be okay. Just be honest and tell her you're confused about your feelings. It's better to be up front and honest with her rather than shaft her, drop her, ignore her, or go along with it when you're not sure. Just be you."
"I can't. I don't wanna hurt her, and I—"
"Kara. You have to. This girl deserves the truth."
"The truth? You mean the fact that I'm still in love with my ex, who co-parents my child, but that I find her extremely attractive and the connection is undeniable?"
Kara was sure she could hear crickets in the silence that followed.
"Alex?" she pressed anxiously, terrified by her sister's lack of response.
"Yes, Kara. The truth. People deserve that."
"Ouch, Alex. Ouch."
"Hey, I didn't mean it like that…"
"Yeah, okay. Thanks a lot. I'm gonna go now, since I'm such a dishonest piece of shit."
"Kara! Come on! That's not what I—"
But the hero disconnected the call before Alex could further explain herself, and as soon as she ended the call, Kara felt her stomach flip with regret. It wasn't like her to get so angry, but this was a sore spot for her. Still, she knew she shouldn't have taken it out on her sister.
The hero then decided to sleep off the feelings of discomfort and the internal conflict, knowing full well that they would be there in the morning.
~!~!~
Walking into CatCo, Kara was filled with the unfamiliar sense of dread. What do I say? she wondered.
But as soon as she reached the appropriate floor and stepped out of the elevator, she saw the intern looking stunning in a lovely blue sun dress, sitting at her own desk.
"Kara! Hi!" the young woman exclaimed, lifting her head immediately upon hearing her friend step closer. "Good morning!"
Kara bit her lip, finding herself in a daze as she stared at the woman before her. She was terribly attractive, and for whatever reason, this bothered her immensely. What was worse was the thought that followed: Not quite as pretty as Lena.
The ache in her heart grew fast, knocking the air from her lungs as she failed to speak.
"Kara? You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost," Nia pressed, putting a hand on her friend's shoulder.
Immediately, the hero was torn from her trance as she shook herself from her stupor.
"Huh? Oh. Yeah. Just tired. Sorry! Good morning."
"You should get to work," Nia gently suggested. "Cat's in a foul mood."
"Yeah. I've gotta finish that article from Friday anyway," Kara agreed sadly, sulking back to her desk.
The emotions that overwhelmed her were intense and nearly intolerable. Nia was gorgeous; there was no doubt about that. But Lena… Lena was the love of her life. More beautiful than the stars in the sky. But it seemed she had no chance with Lena, so… why not take a chance on something new? The Kryptonian shook the thought away the instant she heard it in her mind.
No, she told herself. It's not time. You don't need this. You don't have time for this. You're not… Just don't.
With a heavy sigh, Kara lowered her head and forced herself to focus on the article she'd been writing.
~!~!~
"I don't know what to do," the hero blurted, upon sitting down in her therapist's office.
"Could you explain?" her therapist gently asked, having no context for the sudden statement.
"Yeah, sorry. I met this girl… and…"
When Kara trailed off, lowering her head, the therapist probed, "Go on."
"She's beautiful," Supergirl groaned, rubbing her temples.
"Is that a bad thing?"
"Well, no…" the hero started. After a pause, she whined loudly, "Yes."
"Okay. Do you have any thoughts on why this might be a bad thing for you?"
"Because I love my ex. I don't need… I shouldn't… I…"
"I know you love your ex. And that's very, very real. I want to validate those feelings. I'd also like to challenge you to avoid the 'shoulds.' Don't 'should' all over yourself, right? You've heard me say that before?"
Kara chuckled, nodding her head. 'Don't should all over yourself,' was one of the only statements her therapist had said that had truly made her laugh. The fact that it briefly sounded like, 'Don't shit all over yourself' was too funny to ignore.
"Thank you for making me laugh," the Kryptonian said with a smile. "Anyway. I get what you're saying. The 'shoulds' won't make me feel better."
"Exactly. Remember that we talked about the research supporting that, right?" When the hero nodded, the therapist continued, "What moves people forward and motivates them is self-compassion and gentleness, not punitive language or action."
"Right," Supergirl agreed. "Anyway. I still have feelings for my ex, so it feels like I shouldn't be attracted to anyone else. But this girl is sweet, and kind, and funny, and really seems to like me. We have a good time together. I enjoy her company. By all rights, it would make sense for me to pursue her. But I just… can't get over the brain block, you know?"
"It's interesting to me that a short time ago, you were vehemently denying a desire to hold on to your feelings for your former partner. Today, you seem to be holding on tighter than ever."
Blinking to clear her head, the hero acknowledged, "I guess you're right. I'm not sure why that is."
"I can't help but wonder if you're holding onto some hope of her changing her mind."
"I suppose I am, to a degree. It's subconscious. I'm not saying in my head, 'Maybe she'll come back to me.' It's just that subtle sinking feeling I get when I think of her. That sudden sting of regret. And… And honestly… I think I feel some guilt, too. Not for thinking this girl – this woman – is attractive… but because I know I did shut my ex down in a lot of ways since I decided to let her go. I pulled away. I declined invitations to dinners with Alura. I declined a lot of things. Maybe… just maybe… she was trying to rekindle that connection. Maybe just when I was giving up, she was getting ready."
"Hmm… What are your thoughts on that?"
"Thoughts? You mean, how does that make me feel?" the hero laughed. "I guess it makes me feel shitty. Because what if I fucked up? What if I made the wrong call and just didn't give her enough time?"
"It's a possibility."
"But…"
"But you have a chance to check the facts."
"What do you mean?"
"Checking the facts means being objective and fully investigating the thoughts you're having. You had the thought that she didn't want you, and now you're having another thought that maybe she does. You won't know the truth unless you 'check the facts' by addressing this directly."
"You mean asking her…" When the therapist nodded, Supergirl immediately blurted, "I can't."
"Do you have any sense of what the reason might be for that?"
"Because I can't!" the hero cried, her muscles tensing.
"I can't help but notice that you got very tense just then. Can you tell me what's going on for you right now?"
"I'm frustrated," Supergirl suddenly sobbed. "I'm scared. Maybe I fucked up big time and she hates me again. Maybe she was trying to come back and I pushed her away just as she was healing. I can't come back from that."
"Did you not come back from what happened before?" the therapist challenged.
Supergirl's face went blank with shock as she considered her words.
"I… I guess I did… I mean, I guess it was okay. At least, she didn't seem to still hate me. But she still… I don't know. Maybe I fucked up too bad this time."
"You won't know that unless you check the facts. If you don't address this, and you continue to shut her down, you will definitely lose her for good. You miss one-hundred percent of the shots you don't take. Tell me… What do you think is the worst that could happen?"
"I…" Supergirl started, thinking hard. "I guess she could just… hate me forever and think my asking is just me putting more pressure on her?"
"You already feel you've lost her now. You already feel as though she hates you. Is that correct?"
"Yeah."
"So… If you check the facts… doesn't that leave the situation the same?"
Once again blinking several times in a row, the hero conceded, "I suppose that's true. I guess I don't have much to lose… Except maybe putting myself out there to be disappointed again."
"You've felt so much pain already. I honestly believe that you can withstand another round, especially if you leave the situation knowing that you did everything in your power to make the situation work."
"Wow… That's… That's a good point, actually. At least I'll know I tried and gave it my all. At least I'll know I didn't give up on her or let her go without reason."
Smiling, the therapist nodded, then clarified, "I also do you want you to know that I support you in whatever decision you make. Pursuing your ex, pursuing this other young woman, or not pursuing anyone at all. This is your choice to make, and I know that however any of it turns out, you'll get through it."
"Thanks," Supergirl said with sincerity. "I appreciate that more than you know."
As they ended their session, the hero left the office smiling and feeling more confident, though the fear was still there.