Steve told Jarvis to lead Thor to him when he got back and headed toward his closet. It was still strange to see all these clothes hand picked for him by Tony. It wasn't like when Shield picked out his clothes and thought more about function than anything else. This was Tony getting him a little of everything, giving him a chance to figure out what he liked for himself. He doubted he'd ever wear the overalls he saw hanging further in the room, but at least he had the option.
But then again, having so many options was kind of overwhelming. That's why he'd avoided them in the first place. Making choices just reminded you of the things you couldn't have. If he had the option of choosing extra cheese on his pizza, he wanted to be able to choose to eat it with Peggy. Steve knew those things were not alike at all, but it was hard not to fall into that line of thinking. What good was it trying to enjoy things, when you couldn't share it with the people you wanted to?
Steve was sure the team was great, and they were doing so much to help him, but he couldn't help but see them as sort of a replacement. Like when a kid loses their favorite doll. You can try to get them a new one, but it is never the same. You always compare it to the one that slipped away and it just doesn't live up. And then over time the new one starts to feel a little bit better in your arms, but you still harden your heart towards it, because what if you lose this one too? What was life besides a constant cycle of pain?
"I have returned!" Thor called out from somewhere on his floor. Steve shook his head, trying to knock out the bad thoughts. Being sad around the perpetually happy man just seemed wrong. "What a wonderful selection."
"Thanks Thor," Steve said, welcoming the man into the room. "Tony got them for me, so I'm sure he'll get you whatever you like."
"I've actually grown quite fond of shopping for clothing with our Natasha. I never would've been able to escape the evil clutches of polyester if it hadn't been for her guidance," Thor said seriously, poking at a shelf of denim. "There is not enough fur here."
"Perhaps," Steve murmured, thinking that the leather jacket in front of him was probably more his style. Maybe not the leather pants though.
"So, where are these sweaters? I am ready to be as comfortable as you," Thor grinned, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
"You should probably aim higher," Steve said off-handedly under his breath.
"What do you mean? Do you have something better to offer?" Thor asked, tilting his head to the side.
"No it's- forget I said anything," Steve muttered, turning away toward a different stack of clothes.
"Does this have something to do with what you've been so upset about since I returned?" Thor questioned. Steve felt himself go stiff, not expecting this kind of conversation from Thor. He hadn't gotten too deep during any of their long stretches of time they'd spent in the gym, so Steve thought he'd be safe from the harder stuff. "You all think I don't notice things, but I do."
Steve spun to face him now, because that came out of left field. He knew Thor was qualified and intelligent in many ways, but he could admit he went along with everyone who just kind of smiled and nodded in Thor's direction sometimes. It was nice to have someone around who didn't know everything about the world around them, since it meant he wasn't so alone in that regard. But he never thought Thor picked up on those feelings, since he never let on that he minded before.
"I'm sorry," Steve said sincerely, feeling terrible at the thought of making Thor feel bad.
"Oh, I do not take offense," Thor laughed, coming forward to rest a hand on his shoulder. "I would treat you all the same way on my planet. But you forget I am over 1,000 years old. I've seen more than you think."
"How can you stand it?" Steve blurted out, before he could stop himself. "How do you learn to lose people and keep going?"
"How do you mean?" Thor asked.
"Living while everyone else slips away. How do you stand it?" Steve ground out, dragging a desperate hand through his hair. "How do you come down here and make friends with all of us, when in the end this is barely anything in your life?"
"I cherish all of you! All of the friends I make hold a special place in my heart," Thor insisted.
"But don't you see how that's worse? Letting yourself care about people who you know will be gone before you even realize it?" Steve argued, feeling his heart slam against his chest. He was not ready to have this talk, but he'd never really thought of the similarities they shared. This would be possibly his only chance to talk to someone who would truly get it.
"Of course it hurts to lose people, but does that mean I should go through my whole life without letting anyone in? How lonely of a life that would be," Thor said mournfully.
"But is the joy worth all that pain?" Steve whispered, closing his eyes in despair. Thor's hand moved to carefully cup the back of Steve's neck and he almost broke down right then, but he needed to finish this conversation.
"I know I will one day lose my Jane, but if you're asking if that pain will be worth just seeing one of her smiles, the answer is yes. And knowing it was me who put it there keeps me going," Thor said. "Sometimes it's easier to focus on bringing others joy, and in the end, I realize I still end up fulfilled."
"But is it enough?" Steve choked out, feeling his last bits of resolve crumble.
"If you could get rid of every memory you have with people from your time, would you do it? Would you erase everything good, for everyone, just to avoid feeling the sadness?" Thor pressed on.
"No," Steve gasped, feeling the tears stream down his face.
"Feeling like this, it lets you know that it was worth it. That it meant something. If you are feeling so much pain right now, you are lucky to have felt enough love to cause it."
Steve couldn't hold back the full body wracking sobs now, letting himself be guided to rest against Thor's strong shoulders. Thor just held him as he fell apart, letting him clutch onto his back in desperation. Steve was crying more in these past few weeks than he had in his entire life, but he couldn't stop. All the anguish had piled up to a point where it didn't have anywhere else to go and Steve felt himself wanting to let it out. The stoic and poised captain he'd presented to everyone was gone, and only this weeping, broken man remained.
But he could be built back up, couldn't he? He didn't have to go back to being that stiff, uncaring man he wanted to believe he was before, did he? There could be room for happiness in this life, if he just let it in. Steve had to stop letting fear rule his life. He'd never backed down from a fight in his life, so he couldn't now, especially since it was against his own demons.
"Thank you," Steve sniffled as he finally was able to calm himself back down. Thor grasped him on both shoulders as he leaned back, beaming at him with such fondness.
"We are brothers in arms. It is my honor and duty to support you in any way I can. I know you would do the same for me as well," Thor said. And Steve would, no matter what. "Now, enough stalling. I demand the comfort of a sweater!"
Steve couldn't hold back his soft huff of laughter, moving back and wiping at his face with the sleeve of his shirt. He probably looked wrecked, but he wasn't going to worry about that now. He didn't think he could ever look worse than when the team found him in his apartment. Steve made his way over to the stack of cashmere sweaters, flicking through the collars to find the sizes. They were almost all in his size, which was to be expected, but a few were a bit oversized. Should be big enough to fit the god.
"What color would you like to try? I've got a beige, a gray, and a pink-"
"Pink!" Thor boomed, putting his hand out to accept the garment. He immediately stripped out of his current shirt and tugged it on, wrapping his arms around himself. "This was my favorite color as a boy, but father made me choose red for my cape instead. May I keep this?"
"Of course," Steve replied with a grin. "It looks great on you."
"Indeed it does. Everyone else will be very jealous of us," Thor boasted, puffing up his chest. "What do you say we go show off? I am quite ready for pizza."
"Pardon the interruption, but the rest of the team is currently on the penthouse floor preparing for a pizza and movie night. Your presence is requested whenever you are ready," Jarvis announced.
"Finally!" Thor shouted, pounding toward the elevators. Steve snorted and followed along. "Natasha wouldn't even let me get a pretzel while we were out. Luckily I was able to steal a handful of popcorn from a passing child or else I don't know if I would've made it through."
"Sounds awful," Steve agreed, shaking his head mournfully. Some of that lightness he'd felt while training with Thor was starting to come back and Tony's earlier advice rang through his head. "Hey, would you want to train again with me sometime tomorrow?"
"I thought you'd never ask!" Thor smiled, clapping him on the back. The Steve from before never would have, but now he was glad he did. They walked into the living room of the penthouse side by side, finding the rest of the team laying out pizza boxes and plates on the table. Clint was the first one to spot them.
"What the Malibu Barbie Beachhouse bubblegum explosion is that?" Clint shouted, pointing at Thor in shock.
"Barbie is more of a hot pink. That is clearly in the salmon family," Natasha scoffed, rolling her eyes. Tony was staring at him, obviously honed in on the remaining signs of his earlier distress. Steve shook his head a little and shot him a smile, trying to convey that he was okay. And he kind of was. Natasha and Clint were bickering as usual and Bruce and Tony were setting things out side by side with seemingly no issue. This is what he'd been avoiding all along, but now he felt himself craving it.
"I guess my invitation to the sweater party was lost in the mail," Tony whined, plucking at his own band shirt.
"Perhaps next time, Stark," Thor laughed, approaching the table like a predator.
"I guess we better dig in before Thor demolishes it all before we get a slice," Tony announced, jumping back as everyone descended on the table like a pack of hyenas. Bruce calmly slid out of the fray with two plates of veggie pizza, handing one over to Steve. He accepted it gratefully, moving over to a couch a bit out of the way to sit next to him.
"So, how have you been since I saw you last?" Bruce asked awkwardly, taking a bite of his pizza to cover his flub.
"You mean since yesterday?" Steve chuckled, raising his eyebrows.
"I guess," Bruce shrugged.
"Not great, but not terrible either," Steve admitted, staring down at his plate. It was strange to think of any times these days with any positivity, but he felt like it was starting to get easier, at least a little bit.
"I'm so glad to hear that," Bruce said with a smile, tapping the side of Steve's plate with his own. "Say, if you're not too busy tomorrow, would you mind coming down to my lab sometime? There's something I'd like to show you."
"I'm training with Thor, but I'm sure I can squeeze you in somewhere," Steve snorted. It was easy to find time for things when you had all 24 hours to choose from. "What is it?"
"Hey, no more shop talk, we need to pick out a movie!" Tony called, waving around a slice of pizza.
"It can wait, it's not a big deal," Bruce assured him, taking another bite of his food. Steve finally dug in too, realizing he liked the slightly crisp peppers on top. He didn't know if he could say it was his favorite kind of pizza, but he at least had an example of something he liked if someone asked.
"I say horror," Clint mumbled around a mouthful of food.
"I was thinking something a little less violent," Tony scoffed, scratching at his head in contemplation. "You know, I think I have something good cued up. Wanna play it Jarvis?" All the lights in the room dimmed and the TV screen popped on. It was just like a fancy movie theater. The opening credits of a black and white film started playing on the screen and Steve's eyes widened in recognition as he saw something familiar.
"Hey, I've seen this movie!" Steve laughed, leaning forward in his seat.
"Mr. Smith Goes to Washington? Is it good?" Natasha asked.
"Oh yeah, it's great! Buck and I snuck into the old theater near my house to see it," Steve grinned.
"Steve Rogers breaking the law? I don't believe it," Clint gasped in shock.
"I'm not as innocent as you think I am," Steve argued, staring back at the faces that didn't hide any of their doubt. "Okay, I may have stayed after to help clean up the seats because I felt bad, but I still did it."
"Yeah, that sounds like our Steve," Clint giggled.
Steve was halfway through the movie before he realized he talked about Bucky without feeling sad.