trigger warning

Chapter Thirty-Seven: I Love You, Dumbass

"Have you ever been suicidal?"

Nothing. I'm not talking to him. Don't say a fucking word.

"Mr. Lupin, I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

I don't need your fucking help.

"Let's start somewhere simpler."

I don't give a damn where you want to start. I'm not talking to you.

"How about your friends? Or your boyfriend?"

You fucking leave Sirius out of this.

"I know you two are extremely close."

Yeah, until I told him that I hated him. And we haven't talked in a week. And he probably hates me and thinks that I actually hate him.

"How is he doing?"

Hell if I know. It's my fault. I said it. And I won't let anyone in to visit.

"Remus, please. You need to talk to me."

No, I don't. And don't fucking call me Remus.

"Are you still cutting?"

I fucking wish. They lock me in a room 24/7 and take anything that I might possibly be able to hurt myself with. It's been a week and I need it so fucking badly.

"Do you still want to?"

What kind of a fucked up question is that? I need it. And they took. I need it so badly.

"Remus, you need to talk to me. I want to help you. Anything that you say in here is completely confidential. You don't need to worry about me telling anyone, if that's what you're afraid of."

Interesting, interesting. Because I know that if I tell you half of the shit that's happening in my head, you'll tell people and I'll get hospitalized. And I don't need to tell you jack shit.

"Remus, please."

You can't fucking call me Remus.

Remus glanced at the clock on the wall. It was exactly 3:00. He stood up and walked to the door.

"Remus, wait."

He ignored the protests and walked out. He went to his room and laid down on the bed. He wanted to cry, but couldn't. He hadn't cried in days. He was just empty. The door opened.

"How was it?" asked Madam Pomfrey.

"Fine."

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Mr. Black stopped by again."

Fuck, can't he get a message? Why does he even want to come? To tell me that he hates me to my face? To officially break up with me?

"He wants to see you, Remus."

"Good to know."

"Remus, you can't just shut everyone out."

Fucking watch me.

Remus lay on his side, staring at the wall. His back was to the door. He heard Madam Pomfrey sigh, then walk out. She was fed up with him, just as everyone else was. He barely ate, barely talked. He wouldn't let Sirius or anyone visit.

The door swung open again. Remus assumed it was one of the teachers coming to talk to him about some stupid bullshit, like how he should talk to his friends, or try to do a little bit of homework (even though they knew it was difficult and he was struggling, he could still try at little bit).

"Hey, Remy."

Who the fuck let Sirius in. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone. I thought I made that really clear. I just want to be alone and I just want to die.

"Why wouldn't you let me in?"

Because I thought you thought that I hated you. And I was just avoiding the inevitable and really fucking painful conversation.

"Remy, it's been a week. Madam Pomfrey wouldn't tell me shit. She only just let me in. They're all worried about you. I'm worried about you."

There's better shit to worry about. Why bother worrying about me? If you do, it'll just all blow up in your face pretty soon.

"Fuck, Remy," said Sirius softly, his voice cracking. "Do you really hate me?"

Of course I don't. I'm just fucking stupid. I haven't been able to think about anything other than your face after I said it. Just that and how fucking much I want to die.

Remus shook his head.

"Oh thank fuck," breathed Sirius. He walked over to Remus's bed and looked down at him. "Why wouldn't you let me in?" he asked sadly.

Remus avoided making eye contact. "I thought you would hate me," he whispered.

The pain was evident on Sirius's face. "I could never hate you," he said. "I love you, dumbass."

Remus gave a little half smile. "I love you too."

Sirius bent down and gave him a gentle kiss. He helped Remus sit up, then sat on the bed next to him. He pulled Remus onto his lap. Remus leaned back, resting his head against Sirius's chest.

"You're an idiot, you know that, right?" said Sirius.

"Takes one to know one," retorted Remus.

Sirius laughed softly. "Fuck, I missed you."

Remus looked up at him, smiling, and Sirius leaned down, connecting their lips in a soft kiss.

"I'm sorry," said Remus, breaking away from the kiss.

Sirius frowned. "You don't have to apologize for anything, Remy."

"I'm sorry for not letting you in."

"It's ok. I understand."

They fell silent, just enjoying being in each other's companies again. Fuck, Remus had missed it. He had missed Sirius. He had missed them.

"How's it all going?" asked Sirius. "Like, what's happening? Are you in therapy?"

Remus nodded bitterly. "They got me a therapist. I'm not allowed to go anywhere by myself. They took my wand."

"They're smothering you."

"Whatever."

"You haven't been in class." That was a statement, not a question.

"They aren't making me go. I think they're worried about pushing me too far. I just don't care."

"Remy, it's O.W.L.s this year. This has been so important to you for so long."

"And now I don't care." He looked up at Sirius. "It's not like I don't want to do it. I just can't make myself care. And I'm already falling behind."

"It's ok, it's ok. If you need anything, I can help, or James, or Evans."

"Shit," breathed Remus. "How are they? Are they asking questions? What do James and Peter know?"

"Evans is worried. She's been trying to get in, but Madam Pomfrey won't let her. James and Peter don't know what's happening. I think they're really suspicious, though. James has tried to sneak in at night a few times. He wants to come cheer you up."

"Fuck," whispered Remus, mostly to himself. He felt so fucking guilty. "They can come." It's not that he didn't want to see them. He just couldn't care. But he would try, and he would do it for them. Because that's who he was living for at this point, if you could call it living. He had given up on himself a long time ago.

A/N:

i just remembered i have the final draft of my massive senior thesis paper due on monday. at 10:15 am. fuck

also! i am incredibly excited to announce that this fic will have a sequel! it will be published immediately after this fic is finished (probably about 50 chapters). you'll be able to find it on my profile

stay safe, take care, drink some water. ur amazing, and i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn