Kabuto has me deliver a potion to one of the eastern hideouts. "Why me?" I demand with a huff. "Get one of your stupid underlings to do it."

"I just did," he says, adjusting his glasses, and I scowl. "If it makes you feel better, Sasuke has volunteered to go with you."

"What?" I say as Kabuto walks away. "Hey – Kabuto! What the hell even is this?" I turn the vial over in my hands. It's a clear liquid, slightly blue, like sky unsure of whether it will rain.

Sasuke reveals that he wants to come along as part of a scouting mission. At the eastern hideout are two of Orochimaru's subordinates – Karin, the medic who I'm supposed to deliver the reagent to, and Suigetsu, who's supposed to receive the reagent. – who have caught Sasuke's attention. He wants to recruit them in the near future when he finally goes to hunt Itachi.

"Wait a sec," I say as we approach the hideout. "Karin is a medic, isn't she? What do you need her for when you have me?"

"She'll be the medic, so you can be the muscle," he says. I roll my eyes, bumping my shoulder with his, only to have him bump my shoulder back, making me laugh.

The scouting goes well – Sasuke frees Suigetsu from his water prison, helps Karin recapture him, and in the process scopes out the extent of their abilities. He decides they'll make good recruits. I disagree only on one point: they're both very annoying.

So close to being ready to confront Itachi, Sasuke throws himself into his training. I create his potions and his supplements, but eventually he wants more – he asks Kabuto to make his medicines instead, not because Kabuto is better, but because he's willing to take risks that I am not.

I warn Sasuke of the effects. After two years of my strong but not overly potent tonics, he might not react very well to Kabuto's mixtures. Sasuke, in classic Sasuke fashion, takes my warning with a grain of salt and starts consuming Kabuto's potions at full doses the next day.

I volunteer to be his sparring partner for his morning warmup, offering to have a no-holds-barred fight. There's a threat of death always looming in these kinds of fights, but I'm not worried about death anymore. It's not that I have nothing to live for, it's only that I have nothing to lose. Everyone has continued and will continue on without me. Even Sasuke will continue without me if he has to – and he has to.

I hold my own against Sasuke better than most do, not because of the bond, but because I know him. I know the way his shoulder will twitch when he reaches for his straight sword, the way his brow furrows before his Sharingan activate, the way his chakra gathers when he charges his Chidori. I know the frequency of his vibrations and can anticipate what each change in the waves will mean.

I duck and weave through his attacks, opting for defensive maneuvers, my movements flowing with his and using his own strength against him. I catch his wrist as his blade comes down on my shoulder, the metal breaking my skin. There's a flare of pain – Chidori, already sparking its way through the metal, but I use the Genshidou to disperse the electric waves, creating a field around us that makes our hair float in a sphere of electric activity. As electricity crackles around us, I stare straight into Sasuke's eyes, waiting for the Sharingan to activate, waiting for an illusion to pierce right through me.

I don't often fall under his genjutsu – I sense it the change in the vibrations and release it before it can affect me – but sometimes I let it happen. Usually it's the same illusion: Sasuke lets me go home.

I'm back in Konoha, the heat of the village blooming around me – until buildings and trees erupt in flames. The sky turns red, and when I whirl around to find an escape, I hear someone calling my name. A figure stands in the fire, searching for me, coughing and swatting at the flames that catch on their clothes. I shout to them, telling them I'm safe, I'm out here, but they don't hear me. At last, the figure can't withstand the flames anymore and stumbles out, collapsing onto the ground. I rush to them to heal them, and when I fall to my knees, I recognize his face.

The genjutsu ages Shikamaru up, and I get a glimpse of him as he might be now: taller, his body still lean, but firm, his eyes sharp and discerning like they always were.

He dies at my hands.

Sasuke's brow furrows – but instead of the Sharingan, his chakra reserves drop out. The electrical field dissipates, and Sasuke's hand loosens around his sword. I wrap my arms under his and catch him as he collapses into me.

Kabuto appears at our side as I lower Sasuke to the floor. "I only gave him a small dosage," Kabuto tsks, but he smirks as he adjusts his glasses. "Your mixtures kept him weak if he can't even handle this."

"Get away from him," I say.

Kabuto scoffs and says, "You don't have the antidote—"

"I have the antidote," I say. "I have antidotes for all the shit you make, Kabuto. You keep a notebook of all your recipes in the lab for everyone to see. You assume that no one can make heads or tails of your notes, but you've never taken into account me."

Kabuto tenses, a nerve jumping in his jaw. "You couldn't have—"

"I am Kagiru Ren," I say, pressing closer to Sasuke as he gasps and grasps at my shirt. "I am bound to Uchiha Sasuke, and I will be the one to take care of him. Get away from us."

"Kabuto," Orochimaru commands from the other end of the room. His tongue sweeps over his top lip and he grins. "Let's leave them."

Kabuto grits his teeth, glaring in a way that tells me, one way or another, he will exact his revenge on me. He can do his worst – with nothing to lose, of whom shall I be afraid?

I pull Sasuke to the edge of the room and lean him against the wall. Reaching into my med kit, I extract a syringe full of milky liquid. I inject it into his arm, murmuring words of encouragement for him to breathe, to keep his eyes on me, focus on my touch, the way my fingers press into his palm as he clutches my hand. I sweep his hair out of Sasuke's eyes, wiping the sweat from his brow as his breathing slows.

"I told you I am the best goddamn medic you could ask for," I say as he closes his eyes. Sasuke gives my hand a squeeze, soft and tender. When his eyes flutter open again, Sasuke scans my face, his gaze lingering as he meets mine. His mouth parts slightly, inhaling soft breaths.

I feel a tug in my chest, one that blocks the air in my lungs. Sasuke's hands, usually cold, grow warm in mine. I think about the fires in my illusion of Konoha, about the figure searching for me at the expense of their own life. The images of it are burned into my mind. When the genjutsu clears, all I see is Sasuke.

Getting to my knees, I take Sasuke's face in my hands. The angles of his jaw fit perfectly in my palms. His skin is soft, still damp from the sweat of battle. I press my forehead to his, lifting his eyes to meet mine. Sasuke waits, unblinking.

Every day for the past two years has been filled with so much pain, both mine and Sasuke's. I tried to follow Sasuke's lead and use my pain to motivate me. It worked at first. I became an extraordinary medic. I became a relentless fighter. I did all this in the darkness and still managed to keep my head above the surface of rough waters.

The bond between us has grown stronger. But it's a distant hum, radio static beneath the real bond that Sasuke and I have created on our own. Sasuke knows me, every part of me. He knows that I find joy in our walks on the surface and in the way our hands brush when I hand him his tea. I know he likes when I'm the one to wake him up in the mornings, the way I whisper his name to draw him back to consciousness. He knows that once a month I'll have dreams about Konoha that make me wake up in tears. I know he replays my dreams in his head, taking notes of the images that make me cry.

We could destroy Orochimaru and Kabuto on our own, right now, if Sasuke wanted to. But that wouldn't be enough to kill the pain that we carry. For that, we have to go straight to the source – Itachi.

But how am I supposed to bear this weight until then? It's crushing me, splitting me at the same little breaks that I endured years ago.

What's on the other side of this, all this pain? How is killing Itachi going to lift the weight of these past two years?

I can't bear it anymore. I'm wearing down. I need more.

"I love you, Sasuke," I say, sweeping my thumbs over his cheeks, "but I don't think I like you very much. I think I need more than you can give me."

"I'll carry it all," Sasuke says. "Give me all of your pain. I will bear it for both of us, now and after."

I take a deep breath. Closing my eyes, I lean into him. "The antidotes I made for you," I say quietly. "The key ingredient is deer antler."