uhm.
i'm truly sorry. this just wouldn't go away, and it actually was the hardest thing i've ever written, and i think, in terms of reality-wise, the darkest. i almost didn't post it. but here you go.
also, cred to clinton kane's 'fix it to break it', this is the first songfic i've ever written so it might be meh.
::..::..::
"
remember that time i made you laugh?
i would give in to hear that sound again.
missing the lines on both sides of your face,
and i hate that that's all i have now.
"
Percy stares at Annabeth, who's sitting on their bed, trying to breathe, blinking past the blurry vision his tears are bringing. His bones ache as he watches Annabeth's own tears slip down her cheeks, her fists clenched at her side. He wants nothing more than to reach out and wipe them away, make her feel better.
A pain in his chest blooms, and it hits him like a weight, stealing the air from his lungs, as he remembers last year, when they had moved into this apartment- their home- and they'd just gotten the room setup. Annabeth had made some sarcastic comment about Percy being unable to move the bed in, and he'd retaliated by throwing her on top of it, tickling her relentlessly, until she couldn't breathe.
He wished so desperately that that's what they were doing now- laughing, not crying. He wants to do something, anything, to make her do it, so he could hear that sound again, just one more time, but he has to refrain. He reminds himself that she hurt him first, and he fucking hates that he has to, because it hurts more than anything.
"
am i just fixing it just to break it?
am i just hanging on, just so we can drown
like the love we thought we found?
now, we're hoping that we don't just hit the ground.
"
Percy's always had some irrational fear of drowning. Of being deprived of the one thing that kept him alive, and being unable to do anything about it, unable to stop it. The one time when he wasn't on edge when he wasn't restless with nervous energy was with Annabeth.
But that had changed recently, and every time he thought about it, a lump formed in his throat, blocking off his airway. He'd be reminded of why he was scared of drowning in the first place, but this time it'd be her fault.
He'd get made and chide himself for letting it happen, but that never changed anything. It never helped, it never solved it. Sometimes, it made it worse, because he'd be reminded of the things she'd say to him.
"
i've been pulling you close, but pushing me further,
i've been holding it back, that i see you different,
sick of me reminding you to love me like you say you do.
"
Annabeth had been different, lately. More tense, quick to anger, doing things and saying things that she wouldn't normally. Things she used to regret.
The first time it happened, she'd been stressed about a project that was due, and something she was working on for her job, plus construction on Olympus still hadn't been finished, despite her best efforts. Percy had offered help, rambling about how he didn't know much about architecture, but maybe he could do something. Annabeth had warily accepted, explaining some of it to him. He didn't get it, so she'd tried again. And again.
In retrospect, it was probably his fault that she had done it because he obviously didn't know what he had been doing.
He had frowned, "I don't get it," for the fourth time, and she had snapped.
"Of course you don't,"
His jaw had tightened, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She glared at him, curling and uncurling her fingers, "It means, maybe if you had half a brain, maybe you would,"
Percy stood up, and she'd done the same, "I'm not stupid, Annabeth,"
She had scoffed before taking a breath, "I didn't say that. That's not what I meant,"
"Then what did you mean?"
"Doesn't matter,"
"Of course it does!"
"No! It doesn't, okay? Now, move, so I can-"
"No."
Her jaw had set, "What?"
"I said no. At least not until you tell me what you meant by that,"
"Percy!" She growled, "Just move," She had shoved past him with enough force that he had hit the wall, and his lungs had momentarily stopped working.
When she realized what had happened, she'd gasped, hands flying to her mouth, "Oh my gods, Percy. Percy, I'm so sorry,"
He had swallowed, trying to tell her it was okay, that she hadn't meant to, it was an accident, it was one time. It had ended up being more than that.
"
afraid that i'll lose you in the crowd,
i wish that i was a priority.
then you walked out on me,
with a straight look on your face
and said you've had enough.
"
A while after that, it had only gotten worse. One day, Piper had dropped by for a surprise visit, reading between the lines when she noticed Annabeth's thin lips, the bruises on Percy's wrist, and the short one-word conversations.
She had pulled him into the bedroom, telling him he had to leave, short and simple. Except it wasn't fucking simple. He still loved her. To Tartarus and back. He still needed her, and just the thought of saying goodbye made him sick to his stomach. Piper had acted like there was only one option, pointing out the fact that Annabeth was hurting him.
And he knew that Gods, he knew that, but part of him couldn't help but wonder if there was something he could do about it. Figure out the source of the problem, maybe there was some reason she was doing it, some justification. Maybe it was a coping mechanism of some sort, or maybe-
Maybe he deserved it.
"
but then you came back in to try to fix it,
but never helping me when i start to drown
like the love we thought we found.
is it worth the pain if i should stick around?
"
A few months later, Annabeth had slammed the front door for the first time, leaving him alone in the house. It had been another argument- those had grown more and more frequent, didn't matter what they were about- this time, over everything. All of it.
The conversations they never had but needed, the tension that had built up between them, the pent-up anger Annabeth always seemed to be trying to hold back. It'd work until it was bubbling up inside her and she'd blow up- like, a ticking time bomb and Percy never knew when it'd explode.
She had changed, but every time he pointed it out, she'd get mad again. it was like he was walking on glass, and it got so bad that a part of him was relieved when she walked out. She had offered no apologies and no explanations, but that hadn't surprised him, she'd stopped with those a long time ago. What surprised him was that she came back at all.
"
And I've been pulling you close, but pushing me further
I've been holding it back, that I see you different
Sick of me reminding you to love me like you say you do, oh
"
He'd been trying, so hard- so damn hard - to keep what they used to have, to do everything right, to make her happy again, but it never seemed to work. Annabeth didn't seem to notice, either that or she pretended nothing was wrong, that it wasn't happening. But it was. And he was sick of it. Sick of it not being like it used to be when it was easy, and they both knew what the other was thinking just by glancing at each other.
When he used to be able to make her laugh because of some stupid joke, or when they and the seven got together and did stupid shit like watch movies and bake cookies. But, it wasn't like that anymore. He always seemed to do something wrong, something that pushed her over the edge, and by the time he realized what he had done, it was too late to take it back. Annabeth picked everything apart like he was an animal she was dissecting, and not the person she loved.
Part of him wondered if she really did still love him.
"
and i've been hurting myself to keep you from leaving,
i've been wondering whether we'll last the season.
wish we could've made this work
but now i know that i need more
"
Percy was so tired of it. Of it all. It felt like...
he didn't know what it felt like.
There were no words to describe how it felt. The heaviness of it, the hopelessness, the fear. He hated every second of it. He wished he could undo whatever it was he did wrong, to bring back the Annabeth he used to know- the one that teased him for blushing so easily and called him seaweed brain. The one he fell in love with. But he couldn't. He didn't know how.
Percy, now, bites his lip and inhales shakily, gripping his right hand with his left, trying to stop the shaking. It only makes it worse.
"Percy, you can't just leave!" Annabeth shouts. He takes an involuntary step back, "I thought you loved me,"
Oh, gods. He holds back a sob, as more tears leak out of his eyes, "I do, Annabeth, I-" He squeezes his eyes shut, "I did. I loved you,"
She narrows her eyes, "So, what? I'm not me now? Just because I've changed ?!" She goes rigid and Percy tenses, "Because I'm not the same person I was when I was twelve? I'm still Annabeth Chase, Percy! I'm still me,"
Percy shakes his head, backing out of the room, "No," He whispers, "You're not,"
He leaves without another word.
"
and i need more,
and i need more,
and i need more,
and i need more, i need more
"