Chapter 37: More of the Same

APOV

He stayed with me for a long time, holding me until both our hearts had calmed.

Learning the truth had been hard. To think of all the wasted time and heartache. To think that we might have never been separated.

But maybe it was for the best.

I had a lot of personal growth that needed to happen, and even though Edward leaving devastated me beyond belief, it made me wake up. It made me realize how I still had a lot of issues I needed to resolve.

Things that I might never have confronted if he had stayed.

I thought of Brennan, and his firm belief in fate. Maybe things worked out exactly like they were supposed to. Maybe Edward and I were never meant to be together but were instead meant to help each other grow.

My heart throbbed at the thought.

I still loved him so much.

I would never be okay with not being his again.

I allowed myself to enjoy his embrace just a little longer, knowing that what was coming next would be difficult. And I needed the strength.

"Edward?"

He shifted beneath me, and I looked up to meet his eyes. They watched me carefully.

"I think I should go."

His grip tightened and his head was shaking. I was surprised by his response.

"Not yet."

He pulled me more firmly to his chest, and my heart swelled with hope. Did this mean he still wanted me?

Or was this because he felt bad for the past?

"Edward," I tried again.

"I can't." He whispered against my hair. "Don't make me leave."

The admission was filled with pain.

"I don't want to make you leave." I admitted, making him pull back to look at me. "But, this is really hard for me. Being here, in your arms, it gives me too much hope."

It was hard for me to tell him that, but he needed to know.

"It's already difficult enough. And if you stay, I don't think I could bare letting you go."

There it was, nearly all of my heart out on my sleeves.

I knew he wasn't a cruel person. He wouldn't string me on now that I had told him how I felt. The best I could hope for was for him to understand, and to let me walk away with some of my dignity intact.

"You- you still care for me?"

His words were unexpected. His tone colored with disbelief.

It was the moment of truth.

"No. I still love you." I corrected, maintaining eye contact so that he could see I was serious. And I realized it was the first time I had told him that. Not just referring to past feelings, but actually admitting how much he meant to me.

His eyes closed, and he looked like he was in pain. When they opened again, I was surprised to see they were filled with unshed tears.

"Every day without you was hell." I watched, fascinated as he swallowed deeply, trying to reign in his emotions. "I have always loved you. And though I know I don't deserve you Ana, if you'll let me, I will spend the rest of my days trying to."

I was speechless.

He loves me.

He never stopped loving me.

I watched as a single tear rolled down his beautiful cheek. I reached out, caressing his skin, to wipe away the droplet.

His whole body shuttered at the contact. As if my touch overwhelmed him. He turned his face to kiss my palm sending shockwaves up my arm.

"Edward?' He looked up to my eyes. I wasn't sure what he saw there. Hell, I wasn't sure what I was feeling, except that this felt right and I wanted more. "I need you."

It was as if every muscle in his body snapped to attention and suddenly I found myself wrapped in his arms tightly. Every inch of my being felt enveloped by him.

His face was nuzzled in my neck; I could tell he was taking in my scent. But the action felt too nice and I moaned when his lips touched my skin there. His body flexed beneath me, in a motion that could not be mistaken for anything other than pure desire.

"Ana," he whispered reverently into my neck before kissing the sensitive flesh again.

I couldn't control myself. My body jerked, hands tangled into his hair I pulled him closer, unable to get enough.

And then my lips found his.

The first contact of our joining sent shivers through me.

It was everything I wanted after so many years of missing him.

Our mouths opened breathing each other in, connecting on a moan. I kissed him with wild abandon, my tongue dancing wickedly across his lips, tempting him to invite me in. When they parted, I deepened my embrace and sought to taste the sweetness of his mouth. He groaned. The vibrations tingled my lips.

The fierceness of the kiss made my body sing. I felt my every muscle become pliant under him and my legs quivered with mounting desire.

"Edward," I whispered on his lips.

He pulled back a fraction to watch me, his deep golden eyes wild with need. They were stunning.

I took a steadying breath, realizing how caught up in the moment I'd gotten. It was hard to control myself around him. He made me ache.

His eyes closed and he too took a deep breath, shuddering slightly in restraint, before resting his forehead against mine.

"I missed you so much."

His aching whisper made my heart throb painfully.

"I missed you too."

His hands stroked my arms softly as we held each other.

"What a pair we are," I laughed lightly after a moment. He lifted his head to look at me, a humorless smile on his lips.

"Are you worried?" The concern was evident on his face. Maybe he was thinking it too much for me.

"No, I just find it very difficult to not get carried away. Everything just feels so right when I'm with you."

I could tell my honesty surprised him.

"If it helps, I struggle with it myself." He rubbed his chest, as if it hurt. "I don't think I will ever get enough of you Ana."

I couldn't help the chills that coursed through me at his words.

"We should probably talk about stuff. Before we wind up losing control again," I said with a half-smile.

His eyes turned serious and he nodded. Then his arms relaxed from around my waist, giving me the space I might need.

It was probably good he took his hands off me, they were a big distraction.

"What would you like to talk about?" He asked curiously after a long moment of silence.

I had been trying to get my thoughts together about what I wanted to say.

"A lot of things, I guess. I'm having trouble deciding on what's most important," I admitted. "But I guess, to start, I need to know what we are."

His eyes lit with understanding.

"That's fair." He agreed, then gave me a cautious look. "You do want to be with me, right?"

I nodded my head.

"Yes. More than anything." And I meant it.

His eyes softened.

"It baffles me. I know I truly don't deserve your forgiveness, but even though I asked, I'm not sure if I would have been able to let you go."

Perhaps it shouldn't have been romantic, him telling me that, but it made me feel so wanted.

"You do deserve forgiveness. But if it bothers you that much, you can just make it up to me for the rest of forever," I teased lightly.

He didn't smile, instead his look was intense.

"I will Ana. Forever."

His words held a sincerity that I knew was ironclad. I hoped one day he would be able to forgive himself.

"So, does that mean you're my boyfriend now?"

The question had the effect I was hoping for, his lips twitched.

"I think I'm a little more than that. If you were a vampire, I would most certainly call you my mate." His words sent a shock of energy straight to my toes.

And then my mind took a left turn.

If I was a vampire…

"We talked about this once, a long time ago, and I'm not sure if your feelings have changed," I started, watching his eyes follow me. I could see he was trying to figure out what I meant exactly. "Do you ever want me to be like you?"

Conflicting emotions battled on his face, he took a long while to respond.

"There is a part of me that does want you to be like me. The part that wants you to be mine forever."

He spoke honestly, obviously pained by his own words.

"But then there is a side of me that abhors it. I wouldn't want to subject anyone to this life Ana. There's no turning back, no changing your mind. It's hard for me to accept that you could even want this life and even more so to think you could really make that decision without truly knowing what it would mean."

It hurt, hearing that. But I accepted why he said it.

I really didn't know what it would be like to be a vampire. In theory, I knew all about the process, the pain, the urges. But to experience it would be entirely different.

Still, to think I'd have to live out my full life, while he would never age. That I would die one day leaving him behind.

It was unacceptable.

"Can I ask you something?"

His eyes were so watchful. So beautifully worried. His nod was small.

"Anything."

I paused for a moment trying to think of the best way to approach the question.

"Knowing all that you know and about how you feel for me, if the roles were reversed, would you be willing to change for me?"

I could tell immediately he knew his answer, but he took some time to say it.

"Yes."

I nodded my head.

"Then is it because you think I don't love you enough, that you think changing me would be a mistake?"

Despite the fact it was a fair question, I could tell he struggled with it. Because he had to decide if he trusted my feelings or not.

"There is some doubt in my mind that you can feel as strongly for me as I feel for you," he finally said.

It hurt, but at least he was honest.

"It is hard for me to accept that you could forgive me for everything I've done. And it's not that I disbelieve that you love me, so much as I worry that it's not enough to make you happy with the life I lead."

He paused a moment, letting his words really sink in.

"If that alone was the issue, I think it would be easier for me to overcome my doubts. However, I have to accept that the world is quite different today than when I was changed. It's easy for me to say I would have changed for you. My world was full of disease, short-life spans, true hardships.

"There is so much more you would have to leave behind, far more than I can comprehend. You have family, real friends. These were things snatched away from me before I could truly know their joy.

"Can you imagine for a moment what it would be like to ask me to choose between you or my little sister Ann if she was still alive?"

The question caught me totally off guard, and suddenly I could see everything from his perspective. I had been caught up in worrying that he didn't trust our feelings for each other, that I hadn't considered how he feel about me leaving everything behind for him.

So, I really thought about it.

"Maybe this warrants a whole different conversation, but why would I have to choose?"

I could see my question both surprised and confused him.

"I just mean, why would I have to give up my friends? Or my dad? And what does the world have to offer that I couldn't also have if I was like you?"

He let out a deep breath as he considered my words.

"It isn't easy being a vampire Ana. I know in my story, and how you see me know it must seem simple. But there is so much that you have to learn. It's not just the thirst, which took years for me to control. As a vampire you have so much strength, speed; learning to move slowly or not break things is difficult and time consuming.

"On top of that, you have the most heightened senses. It's incredibly overwhelming at first. When I changed the world wasn't as busy as it is now. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to have newborn senses even in a small city. If I were to change you, you would have to leave the world behind for a long time. Go somewhere very remote, so you could learn to control yourself without fear of hurting someone or exposing us."

I patiently let him explain his concerns, growing more understanding of his fears. And yet his words did nothing to dissuade me from wanting to be with him.

And when he was done, I saw only two options.

One: I could give it all up. Deal with everything he mentioned and have to leave my old life behind so I could be with him.

or

Two: I could give up Edward. Get to keep my world and future as he saw it, but not have him in my life anymore.

Both hurt.

"What are you thinking?" His worried eyes watched me and I wondered what I could even say.

The truth is what I decided on.

"I don't think you intended for me to have to make a choice, but it looks like I do."

Confusion clouded his eyes.

"What do you mean? Of course you don't have to make a choice." His reached out to comfort me. I tired not to let the sadness show in my smile.

"Edward, I can't be with you unless you're willing to turn me," how I got the words out without sobbing is beyond me.

He looked stunned, and hurt.

"You don't want to be with me?"

"No, I can't be with you. Not if you're going to leave me one day."

He looked so heartbroken. It was killing me.

"I don't understand Ana. I'm not leaving you. I wouldn't ever leave you."

I gave him a doubtful look.

"I'm young now and despite the complications we could make things work. But what about twenty years from now? or forty?" I pleaded for him to understand. "Do you think I could bare it? Getting older and older while you stay young? And what about when I'm really old? When I can't even take care of myself anymore. Do you think I'd want you around for that? To become my caretaker, just long enough to watch me die?"

I could tell my words hit like punch to the gut.

Our romance had been so short-lived before, I'm not certain he'd thought that far in advance.

"As unfair as it would be to ask me to give up my world for you, it would be as just as unfair to have you in my life if we could never be equals." Didn't he see that?

All was quiet, as he considered my words, and as I prepared for the worst.

"I need time to think about all of this," his voice was tortured, but I understood. It was a lot to take in. And we had only just gotten back together.

"I'm not trying to force us down a road neither of us are ready for," I told him gently. "I'm not asking for you to change me today or tomorrow, or even anytime soon. But it's something that has to be an option if you want me to be in your life."

I hoped he understood.

That I couldn't just carry on as if everything was okay if he wasn't truly going to make me his mate one day. It would be too hard to let him go later.

He nodded his head, and after a moment, helped me stand.

"I love you Anabella. So very much," he swallowed and I wondered if he was about to break me all over again. "I need a few days."

He was asking for me to wait for him. To give him the time he needed to really think, and make the decision he felt was best. For him, and for me.

"Take as long as you need," I surprised us both by saying it. The truth was, it probably wouldn't matter if it took an hour or a year. If he broke it off, it would kill me just the same.

Our goodbye was bittersweet.

So much had changed, and yet in the end, everything was the same.

AN: I hope you enjoyed this update.

I've been going through and trying to fix errors in the old chapters as well as give some of my writing a much needed facelift. Plot wise, not much has changed and nothing that affected the overall story (so if you are coming back to this story you don't need to re-read it unless you just want to)

Not sure when I'll update again, but there is more to come. I was hoping to have this all wrapped up by chapter 40… I hate to make promises, so we'll see what happens lol