Chapter 37

Sitting at the table in the middle of the bar, with her co-workers gathered around, Nik forced a smile and took a tentative sip of her drink. Between the dark of the bar, the flashing lights, the loud thrumming music, and the raised voices of those around, she was feeling overwhelmed, she had been there for a while and this was her second drink and her head was starting to swim. The three shots her comrades had urged her to drink with them didn't help.

"Hey, Nik!" she jumped when Bo-Jon yelled in her ear and grabbed her arm. "Da adewu de im tuut! Wanna dance?"

Looking at the crowded dance floor, she swallowed down her panic.

"Ya, kay."

She let him pull her along behind him to the small area that passed for the dance floor. Once there, he didn't stop on the edge, but pushed his way into the heart of the crowd. As bodies closed in around Nik, all of them towering over her, her heart raced. Already flushed from the alcohol in her system, the heat on the floor made her uncomfortably warm. Bo-Jon stopped and pulled her against him as he gyrated to the music.

There didn't seem to be much of an art to the dancing, just jumping around and wiggling your body to the rhythm of the music. Feeling disconnected from her body and isolated despite the crush of bodies around her, she let the music flow through her and moved with it. Lifting her arms and waving them she twirled in a circle, closing her eyes and just following what her body wanted to do. This isn't so bad, she thought.

She was jostled roughly from behind and stumbled against Bo-Jon, who wrapped his arms around her and spun her around, making her world tip wildly. Nik pushed against his chest and opened her eyes. The face in front of her wasn't Bo-Jon. The unknown man didn't release her, instead pulling her closer and spinning them again. Swallowing back the bile rising in her throat, she pushed harder against him and kicked him in the shin. With a curse, he abruptly released her and shoved her away. Stumbling back, off-balanced, she landed hard on the floor.

The crowd closed around her and a foot came down on her hand before she could snatch it out of the way. She gave a little scream as her bones cracked, but it was lost in the music. A pair of hands grabbed her under the arms and heaved her off the floor and steered her towards the edge of the dance floor.

"You kay?" a woman she didn't know asked her as they broke free of the dancers.

Taking a deep breath to tamp down her panic, she smiled weakly, "ya, I'm gut. Taki."

"Are you here with someone?"

"Ya," she pointed without looking, "there."

"Kay," the woman frowned, unconvinced.

"I'm gut. Taki," Nik told her again and turned away from her.

With another glance at Nik, the woman decided it wasn't her problem and returned to the dance floor, leaving her alone. She looked around to find her friends, but moving her head made the world spin alarmingly and she was dangerously close to vomiting. She needed to get out of the hot, loud, and crowded bar.

Weaving precariously, she pushed through the crowd to the exit, finally stepping out into the open corridor. This time of the station's night, there should have been few people out, but this area had other bars, so there were more people milling around in the corridor. The music from them blending together in an disconcerting blend of warring tunes and beats. Still fighting the urge to purge the alcohol out of her stomach, Nik stumbled away from the noise into the darkened corridors leading deeper into the station.

The floor tilted as her balance failed, she braced herself on the wall of the corridor, flinching as her injured hand took her weight.

"Sabaka," she hissed, cradling her hand to her chest. It might not be broken, but it was definitely bruised and throbbed. It was going to hurt like hell when she sobered up.

Finding a dark alcove well away from the hubbub of the bars, she leaned back against the wall and sank slowly to the floor. Laying her head on her knees, Nik took deep breaths to stop the rolling of her stomach and waited for the station to stop rotating around her. Not only was she feeling bad from drinking more alcohol than she could handle, she was embarrassed. Her first time out at a bar with her new mates in her new life and she had made a fool of herself. Tears of self-pity spilled out of her eyes and her breath caught as she stifled a sob.

She missed the crew of the Roci and their closeness that bonded them together as a family. More than that, she missed Amos and his quiet presence in her life. Over the last week, she had tried to overcome the pain she felt whenever she thought about him. Even when she slept, she couldn't escape. Her dreams all week were filled with him. Not all of them were filled with erotic images, but she woke up more mornings than not with an empty ache between her legs.

Despite Maggie's advice, she had not had the courage to seek him out and tell him how she felt. She still had not made up her mind to even do so, finding it easier to ignore the problem.

Roughly wiping her eyes with her sleeve, Nik spied a rip in one of the knees of her pants. Biting her lip, she probed it with her good hand. The supple, dark purple material sported a tear about five centimeters long, baring a raw scuff mark on her skin under it that oozed clear fluid. The sob that she had stifled escaped and her shoulders shook as she sobbed over the rip and everything she had been avoiding.

"Hey."

Head buried in her arms while she sobbed and her ears ringing as they recovered from the noisy assault of the club music, she hadn't heard or seen anyone approach.

"Hey," a big hand landed on her shoulder and gave her a little shake.

Squeaking in surprise, she blinked trying to focus through the moisture in her eyes. Crouching in front of her was the subject of her misery, concern written on his face as he surveyed her. Unlike most people, he didn't ask if she was okay; her tear-streaked face and red eyes surely told him more than any words.

"Come on," he stood and pulled her carefully to her feet then held her steady as she swayed.

Her stomach rolled at the motion and turning away from him, Nik bent over and vomited on the floor. Behind her, Amos blocked the view of anyone that happened to walk by. When her stomach was empty, she leaned her head against the wall, unwilling to turn around.

"You done?"

"Give me a minute," she answered, her voice hoarse from the burning acidic contents of stomach.

"Here."

A rag was shoved under her face. Grabbing it, she wiped her mouth.

"Taki."

"Can you walk?"

"I think so," she told him, but she wasn't sure, afraid her stomach might rebel at more movement.

Taking her by the shoulders, Amos guided her out of the alcove and down the corridor. Her legs were unsteady under her and didn't want to respond to commands from her brain. Without a word, he just swept her up in his arms and carried her.

"Don't puke on me."

"No promises," she muttered into his shirt.

Despite her misgivings, the gentle sway of his gait was soothing as long as she kept her eyes open. She was surprised when he turned away from the dock section where she knew the Roci was berthed. She pushed away from him to look around better.

"Where are we going?"

"I got a room," he answered briefly.

Of course he did, she thought. It would be hard to entertain prostitutes on the ship. Leaning her head back against his chest, she kept her thoughts to herself.

The room he rented in a hostel wasn't far from the entertainment sector and took only moments to reach. They passed more people than she expected during the short walk, a few of them giving the pair curious looks.

In his room, he didn't put her down immediately. Striding across the room, he deposited her in a comfortable chair pulled out from a table. Remembering the last table and chair they had shared, she was glad her face was already flushed from drinking too much.

"Drink this," he thrust a bottle into her hand.

Taking it in her good hand, she raised it to her lips and took a sip. Water. Tipping the bottle up, she took several long swallows.

"Not too much at once. Give your stomach a chance to settle between drinks."

"Kay," she said, setting the bottle on the table.

Amos crouched in front of her and held out his hand, "let's see that hand."

"What?" she blinked up at him. She was sure she hadn't told him anything about her hand.

"You've been holding it against your chest."

Oh.

She held it out gingerly, prepared for pain as he reached for it, but his touch was gentle as he turned it over to expose the bruising on her knuckles.

"Can you move your fingers?"

Cautiously, she wiggled them, wincing at the pain it caused.

"I don't think it's broken, just bruised," he grunted. "It's going to hurt like hell in the morning. You should get a splint on it."

She pulled it back to her chest protectively when he released it and stood. As he moved around the room, Nik took a deep breath. If she was going to follow Maggie's advice this was her chance.

"Amos?" she started tentatively.

Digging through his bag, he didn't look up, "yeah?"

Unnerved, she swallowed, "I need to tell you something."

Finding what he was looking for, he came back over to her and held out his hand, "here, take these. They'll help with the pain."

Nik took the two pills from him, but didn't take them.

He grabbed the bottle of water off the table and held it out to her, shaking it to get her attention. With a huff, she took it and used it to take the two pills. Setting it back on the table, she tried again.

"Amos, I'm trying to talk to you."

"I'm listening," he said as he turned away.

"Amos," she snapped. "Just stop and look at me for a minute."

Slowly, he turned back to her, giving her all of his intense attention. There was a tension in his body that she had only seen on a few occasions. The first time was when he confronted her two attackers on Tycho. This conversation wasn't going the way she had envisioned it and she considered letting it drop. But Maggie was right; she needed to do this.

"I love you," she blurted before she could talk herself out of it.

"Okay."

Taken aback by his noncommittal reply to her soul-baring revelation, she wasn't sure what to say next.

"Okay?" she echoed. "Okay? I just told you that I love you and all you can say is 'okay'?"

"What do you want me to say?" he frowned, genuinely confused.

"I don't know," she huffed in exasperation. "Something more than that, though."

Amos ran his hand through his hair, then pulled the other chair over and sat down, his knees inches away from hers.

"When I was still on Earth, there was this stray dog that hung out in the neighborhood. It was a big dog that had obviously been used in dog fights. You know, all scarred up, one ear missing. This guy I knew decided he wanted it. For weeks, Robbie fed it scraps. He found out where it was sleeping and gave it an old blanket. The dog got to where it would greet him, wagging its tail. So Robbie thought he was getting through to it. One day, he tried to pet it after he fed it. Damn dog nearly tore his hand off."

Not sure where he was going with the story, Nik gasped, "what happened?"

Amos shrugged, "don't know. I think it ran off after Robbie stopped feeding it."

What the hell? Nik thought.

"The thing is, no mattered what Robbie wanted, that dog was a fighter, not a pet. Despite all his efforts all he got out of it was a lot of scars."

She gave a harsh laugh, "I supposed you're supposed to be that dog?"

He shrugged again, "Maybe. But I can't give you what you want."

"I know that," she said softly.

"Then why tell me?"

"Because knowing and knowing," she emphasized the second, "are two different things. I had to hear it from you for it to be real."

He frowned, not understanding.

"It's okay, Amos. I don't expect you to understand. It took me a while to get it," she smiled slightly. "I'm still glad I met you. Do you think we can still be friends?"

Another frown, "okay. Does this mean we can't fuck anymore?"

Nik laughed for real this time. Typical Amos. But as much as she wanted to crawl onto his lap and kiss him until she couldn't think anymore, it was going to be hard enough to get over being in love with him without complicating it with intimacy.

"I don't think that would be a good idea."

He shrugged, "okay."

And to him it was that simple. Nik wished it could be that simple for her. With a pang of sadness, she wondered what it would be like to go through life not being able to feel like other people. Sure, he couldn't feel despair or depression, but to not be able to love others? What an empty life that would be.

Pushing his chair back, Amos stood, "are you okay to go back to your place?"

Over the last few minutes, the room had stopped spinning and her stomach had settled down so she no longer felt like throwing up.

"Ya, I'm feeling better."

"Come on, I'll walk you back."

They walked back to the rooms she shared with her family in comfortable silence. At the door, Amos bid her goodnight and turned to leave.

Nik grabbed his arm, "wait."

When he turned back to her, she rose up on her toes and kissed him softly on the lips.

"Thank you for everything."

With a nod, Amos turned and walked back the way they had come. Nik waited until she couldn't see him anymore to open the door and go inside, feeling better than she had for a while.

It was time to get on with her new life.

Epilogue

Six months later, Nik, Maggie and Luyne waited anxiously outside the docks. Luyne bounced on the balls of her feet with nervous energy.

"Think he brought me something?" she chirped. "I hope he brought me something."

"We don't know if he got to go down to the colony, Luyne, so don't be disappointed if he didn't," Nik told the child.

"Mia said that they all get a chance to go down if they can and want to," she informed Nik with surety.

In the past months, Nik had enrolled Luyne in school with other children her age and she had made several friends. The girl had bloomed with confidence. Being a station rat on Tycho earned Luyne a measure of awe from the others and she was their defacto leader. She and her group of friends were absolute terrors as they ran loose on the station whenever they could escape the watchful eyes of adults. No area on the station was safe from their curiosity and the station's crew had grown used to their comings and goings and helped keep a watch over them.

"Here they come!" she hopped up and down as the doors opened and a handful of belters came through. The girl rushed forward, shoving through the adults until she reached her target.

"Lucky!" she squealed as she threw herself at him.

Poor Lucky had to drop his bag in order to catch the girl, lifting her up into a hug. Since they had arrived at Medina, he had a growth spurt and had added several centimeters of height. Still lanky in build, he looked a lot like the other belters around them.

With knowing looks and friendly comments, the rest of the crew continued through the concourse to their families waiting to greet them, while Lucky awkwardly picked up his bag with one hand while holding Luyne with the other and joined Nik and Maggie.

"Welcome back, kiddo," Maggied greeted him warmly and wrapped him in a hug.

Lucky had left two months ago on his first flight off the station as an apprentice pilot. After the alien ships had come through from the system that the crew of the Roci had fled to while escaping the MCRN, the system had been thoroughly explored. Since they were the first through, Holden and the others were allowed to name the system. They had settled on naming it after Detective Miller and the largest habitable planet Josephus. The first colony landed within weeks, changing their destination from a less preferable system to the new Miller system.

"Did you bring me anything?" Luyne was not going to be distracted.

"What?" Lucky looked at her with a frown. "I'm a busy bosmang. I don't got time to buy souvenirs for my little sésata."

Luyne's lip quivered and he broke out in a laugh, "I'd never forget you, Mouse!"

He set the girl on her feet and dug through his bag, pulling out a small object wrapped in brown cellulose, "here."

Luyne snatched it from him and unwrapped it with glee.

"It's so pretty!" she squealed again.

"Let's see it," Nik turned her by her shoulder so she and Maggie could see what she held.

It was a necklace made of smooth round beads that looked like clear glass, but when she looked closer in the heart of each bead was a spot that glowed with a light of its own. Each of the five beads glowed with a different color from pink to purple to blue.

"The settlers call them glow stones," Lucky explained. "They're smooth crystals bonded with different minerals that absorb light and refract a single wavelength back, but amplified. The smaller ones with less amplification are being sold as jewelry, but they are experimenting with using bigger ones with higher amplification factors as power sources or lasers."

"They're beautiful," Maggie told him and Nik agreed.

"I found something for you too," he grinned and held out another package to Maggie.

She unwrapped it to find a figurine carved from the crystal with a purple glow. The figuring resembled some kind of bird, but it had four wings instead of two and had two little horns.

"That's one of the flying creatures on the planet. They're about this big." He held his hands about a half-meter apart, "and sound like crying babies."

"It's lovely," Maggie gave him another hug. "Thank you."

Lucky looked at Nik with his bright eyes, "I didn't forget you, Nik."

He handed her a package smaller than the others. Unwrapping it, Nik found a single round crystal, the size of a marble. The light from the inside was a dark silver, almost gray and it was strung on simple cord.

His face bright red, Lucky smiled shyly, "I thought you might like a replacement for the other one. You know, the one with...,"

"I know," Nik cut him off quickly. "It's perfect, Lucky. I love it."

She looped the cord over her head and let the crystal settle just over her breast bone. It was perfect. The perfect symbol for new beginnings.

The End

A/N: I know that some of you, gentle readers, are disappointed by this ending. If I'm being honest, so am I. But when it came down to it, with Amos there was no other possible ending. He is a true sociopath in the books and show, though I'm starting to see the show soften him up a bit. He knows that there is something wrong with him and that's why he sticks with Naomi and Holden. They keep him from being something truly monstrous and he knows it.

That being said, this has been my favorite story to write and I am sad to see it end. I hope all of you enjoyed it as much as I did. Sending all of you positive thoughts. Until next time, farewell.