After the first movie was over and Steve ate all of the slices that somehow kept appearing on his plate, he realized he felt kind of good. They'd tried doing stuff like this before, but Steve had made sure to keep his heart hardened against it. This wasn't so bad though. He could imagine doing this same thing with the Commandos and Bucky, if they'd had the time.
"Any suggestions on what to watch next?" Tony asked, shooting Clint a look before he could say anything. "Good suggestions only."
"You don't know what I was going to say," Clint pouted, gnawing on a pizza crust.
"Did it involve blood and guts?" Tony questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't have any ideas," Clint muttered, grumbling under his breath about the lack of appreciation for cinematic masterpieces.
"I have a documentary on Alaskan wildlife I've been planning to watch, if anyone's interested?" Bruce offered.
"And that counts as a good suggestion?" Clint scoffed, crossing his arms. Tony and Clint started squabbling about what constituted a good movie while Steve leaned back into the cushions. He didn't really care what they watched, as long as it kept his attention and distracted him from how tired he was.
"While you boys do your fighting thing, I'm going to refresh the drinks," Natasha said, stretching from her spot next to Thor. "You wanna help me, Steve?"
"Sure," Steve agreed, trying to hide the suspicion from his voice. People singling him out these days wasn't usually a good thing. He really didn't feel like crying anymore. Steve trailed after her into the kitchen and when she didn't immediately head to the refrigerator, he knew he was right to be wary. "What's going on?"
"I wanted to get you away from the others for a moment," Natasha admitted, gesturing for him to sit on one of the stools. He hesitated slightly before moving over, resting on the edge. "Wait one sec." She dashed out of the room, returning a few seconds later carrying a big box.
"What's this?" Steve asked, watching her set the box down in front of him. He honestly had no idea what kind of gifts Natasha would get people. She kind of seemed like a weapon for every occasion type of person.
"I haven't been able to get that story you told me at your apartment out of my head, so I did a little research, made a few trips, spent an ungodly amount of money on expedited shipping, and got you this," Natasha grinned, lifting the lid off the box. Steve was half expecting something to jump out and hit him in the face, but instead he was only hit with the overpowering smell of sugar. The box was filled to the brim with brightly colored packaging and Steve stuck his hand inside, pulling out one that was on top.
"Chuckles?" Steve whispered, rolling the bag of candy in his hand. He recognized these. Not really the label, but he remembered the candy that was hidden inside.
"Surprisingly enough, a lot of the candy you had back in your day is still around. It may look a little different and the recipe might have been tweaked here and there, but not everything is lost," Natasha said, bumping his shoulder. And Steve said he wasn't going to cry.
He kept going through the box, each type of candy bringing back memories. He'd won a whole bag of Tootsie Rolls in an art contest. The Commandos had tossed Jolly Ranchers to the kids along the road when they were leaving after a mission. His mom had always gotten a pack of peppermint Life Savers on his dad's birthday, as a sort of memorial to him, since they were his favorite.
"Charleston Chews were Bucky's favorite," Steve murmured, sniffling as he felt his emotions start to bubble back up again. "You didn't happen to find any Whiz bars, did you?"
"Unfortunately, no," Natasha sighed, brushing a tear off his cheek that he hadn't realized had fallen. "I did, however, find a recipe online to make our own. I was wondering if you'd want to try making some with me this weekend? The instructions seemed easy enough, and that way you can always have some, no matter where you are." Or when he was, but that could be left unsaid.
"I'd like that," Steve smiled, turning back to the contents of the box. He pulled out a bar, but didn't recognize it. "Cookies and Creme? What's this?"
"I thought maybe after seeing how a lot of the candy you remember is still around, you might be more open to trying something new. This one is my favorite and I thought about asking the others for their favorites, but I didn't want to break your confidence," Natasha explained.
"This is- wow, thank you," Steve said, carefully intertwining his fingers with hers. Steve didn't know what he'd done to deserve all this care everyone was showing him, after he'd pushed them away for so long. He caused himself so much pain just to avoid a different kind, when he could've been happy all along. Maybe Tony was right when he suggested that he needed to talk to someone, because his decision making process probably needed a bit of work. He knew he wasn't ready for that step yet, but he wasn't as opposed to the idea anymore. If just talking the little bit he had with the team was helping this much, a professional might be just the thing he needs.
"You're welcome," Natasha grinned, giving his hand a little squeeze. "Do you want me to put this away for now?"
"No, I think we should share with the team," Steve decided, hefting the box into his arms and heading back into the living room. The arguing had died down and a new movie was waiting to be started on the screen. The empty pizza boxes had been moved to one side, so Steve set his box down on the center of the coffee table and sat on the couch next to Thor.
"Where are the drinks?" Clint asked, poking his head up from where he was digesting on the floor.
"Oh, I lied," Natasha shrugged, sitting down on Steve's other side.
"What's all this?" Tony asked, carefully approaching the other side of the table.
"Natasha got me some candy that I used to eat as a kid. I thought it would be nice to share it with everyone," Steve said, rummaging around for something easy to pass to the others.
"Oh man, I haven't had a Bit-O-Honey in years," Tony laughed, catching the piece that was tossed to him.
"I love candy!" Thor boomed, his eyes lighting up as he got his own piece.
"You sound like Buddy the Elf," Clint chuckled, ripping into his own candy.
"Who is that?" Thor asked around his chewy mouthful.
"It's from a Christmas movie," Clint replied, crawling forward to get closer to the box.
"I'm no elf. I'm going to be Santa Claus," Thor scoffed, shaking his head in derision.
"Come again?" Clint asked, cocking his head to the side.
"I'll explain later," Natasha said, waving him off. Steve bit into a chocolate Long Boy, feeling strangely content. Tony started up the movie, as Steve sank back into the couch. He didn't worry about if his arm was brushing against Thor's or if his foot sometimes bumped against Natasha. He hadn't realized before how much he missed touch.
The movie was pretty funny, even if some parts kind of reminded him of some of the weirder battles they'd fought. A giant man made out of marshmallows probably was a lot easier to take down than something made of rock though. The sequel was okay too, but by the middle of it, Steve was feeling the fatigue set in. Eating all that food probably didn't help and listening to Clint snoring on the floor definitely wasn't either. Just seeing someone else have the ability to fall asleep and stay asleep was making him insanely jealous, even though he knew he shouldn't be. There was no one to blame for his predicament, just his permanently unsettled brain.
Steve scooted forward, leaving the warm cocoon the three of them had made on the couch. He couldn't stay comfortable and risk nodding off. He had to get through the rest of the movie night so he could get back to his floor and find something to do until morning came. Steve had plans to distract himself with tomorrow, he just had to get through another night.
"You okay?" Natasha asked quietly, sitting up to grab another jawbreaker.
"Yeah just…" Steve trailed off, feeling Tony's eyes shift between him and the screen. He just wanted to sleep so bad he could scream. This wasn't even the most tired he'd been, but he was steadily creeping back up to that point and that wasn't a place he wanted to be. Was he only ever going to be able to sleep soundly when his body was too battered to stop him? When his brain was too exhausted to cook up his worst fears?
"Anything I can do to help?" Natasha asked, running her pinky along his.
"You got a sleeping pill I can take?" Steve scoffed, smiling ruefully.
"You're having trouble sleeping?" Natasha questioned, slowly rubbing along each of his fingers. At least it gave him something to focus on, instead of having to look at her face and see the look of pity there.
"It's not a big deal," Steve brushed off, because talking about it wouldn't fix anything.
"Maybe not, but you don't have to wait for it to become one before you ask for help," Natasha said.
"You don't seem like you ever need help," Steve pointed out. Natasha was always so strong, he couldn't help but think she might be judging him a little bit for being so weak.
"I wouldn't be here without help. I know how hard it is to accept it, but if I hadn't let Clint, we wouldn't be having this conversation," Natasha said, flicking her eyes toward the sleeping man. Steve knew a little bit about their history, but not many of the details. He didn't need them though. He could see how much they cared about each other, no matter how much they sparred. Steve used to have that too.
"I don't think there's anything that anyone can do," Steve sighed, fiddling with an empty candy wrapper.
"Well, what have you tried?" Natasha asked.
"Um, it's not so much falling asleep that's the problem," Steve murmured, raking a hand through his hair.
"Do you want to tell me what you dream about?" Natasha probed, bumping her knee against his.
"Nothing good," Steve whispered. He couldn't tell her the specifics. That was just asking for the events to happen in real life.
"Would you want to try something else?" Natasha suggested.
"Okay," Steve agreed. Why not at this point? He'd followed along with Tony's ideas all day, why not give Natasha a chance?
"Great," Natasha grinned, giving his hand one last squeeze before standing up. "Let me grab a few things from my floor and I'll be right back." Steve watched her walk from the room, wondering what she had in mind. Did she have a prepacked Steve in crisis kit waiting in her closet? He startled a bit when he turned back around to find Tony in Natasha's recently vacated seat.
"Everything alright?" Tony asked, trying to sound casual. The man had probably been itching to jump over at the first sign of distress.
"Natasha's gonna help me try to sleep," Steve shrugged, trying to make light of how desperately he wanted whatever she was planning to work.
"Oh good, that's good," Tony nodded, shooting him a smile. "I'm sure she'll do a better job than I did."
"Anything will be better than my current plan of never sleeping again," Steve scoffed, resting his elbows on his knees. It felt like any work he was doing to get better wouldn't matter unless he was able to sleep.
"You need anything from me, just let me know," Tony said, patting his shoulder before going back to his old seat. And Steve knew that if he asked Tony for the moon, he'd immediately start planning a mission with Thor on how to get it.
Natasha came back a few minutes later with her arms full. She set everything on the floor in front of his feet, setting a small bottle and a few other things on the table.
"Okay, I think I've got everything," Natasha said, checking over her haul.
"You brought me perfume?" Steve asked, poking the container. Maybe it was some sort of knockout gas?
"Don't worry, all will be explained soon enough," Natasha chuckled, batting his hand away.
"The Natasha Special?" Clint asked from his spot on the floor. When had he woken up?
"The one and only," Natasha confirmed, unfolding a giant blanket. Steve was starting to get worried. "I was planning on saving this for Christmas, but why wait if it can help now?" She draped it over his lap and Steve was surprised to find it was heavy.
"What is this?" Steve asked, squeezing the edge of the material. It reminded him of a sandbag more than a blanket.
"It's a weighted blanket. Some people find the weight comforting while they sleep," Natasha explained. Steve wasn't sure if he liked it yet, but he'd give it a try.
"They're so good," Clint moaned, stretching his back like a cat.
"You use one?" Steve asked.
"Oh yeah, I'm a frequent recipient of the Natasha Special. Who do you think she perfected it on?" Clint replied, scooting over to sit on the other side of the table.
"You have trouble sleeping too?" Steve questioned. Clint always seemed so relaxed and aloof. He couldn't picture him struggling with anything.
"Not as often anymore, but after Loki…" Clint trailed off, shrugging.
"Oh gosh, I didn't even think!" Steve gasped, feeling terrible. They had only just met after all that, but as the leader he should've made sure all of his people were okay. He'd failed them and himself. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You're not the only one good at hiding things from everyone," Clint waved away, and Steve knew he really didn't hold a grudge about it. Clint was just that good of a guy. "I would've hidden it from Natasha too, but I can't seem to shake her."
"You got that right," Natasha smirked, taking the cap off the mysterious bottle. "Let me know how you feel about this scent." She waved the bottle under his nose and he breathed in deeply, smelling the floral aroma.
"I don't think I'd wear it, but it's nice," Steve admitted.
"I'll wear it!" Thor piped up from where he'd been silently watching.
"No, it's not for wearing, it's just for smelling," Natasha laughed, spraying the fragrance in the air around them. "Lavender can have a calming effect." Steve closed his eyes, slowly inhaling the air around him. It was a lot better than the stale, greasy cardboard smell that was still lingering.
"Mmmmm, s'nice," Clint mumbled, setting his head on the table. So Steve's earlier guess of knockout gas wasn't too far off.
"Hey Bruce, think you can handle this next part?" Natasha asked, tossing him a glass jar full of flowers.
"Oh yeah, you know I brew a mean pot of tea," Bruce grinned, standing up and heading for the kitchen. "I'll make enough for everyone."
"Will those clothes be comfortable enough for you to sleep in, or would you like to go change first?" Natasha questioned, moving the candy box to the side of the couch to clear up space on the table.
"These should be fine I guess," Steve replied, plucking at his sweater. "Wait, am I going to be sleeping here?"
"Yeah, unless you'd like to move everyone to your bedroom?" Natasha offered.
"You all don't have to stay out here with me," Steve argued, feeling embarrassed. "I don't want to ruin everyone else's sleep too."
"Do you see any of us at gunpoint? We want to stay here," Natasha insisted.
"Like you don't have a gun," Clint scoffed, rolling his eyes up at her.
"But it's not pointed at anyone, is it?" Natasha shot back. "The point is, everyone is free to leave whenever they want, including you. But sometimes it's easier to fall asleep with other people around."
"I guess," Steve conceded, remembering how Tony had brought up that same point with him before. He hadn't dreamt in the hospital when Tony was there, but he had the other night. Maybe it would make a difference this time.
"Jarvis, can you hit us with a little white noise please?" Natasha commanded, before a strange sound filled the room.
"What's that?" Steve asked, looking around the room as if he'd find the answer somewhere.
"You are currently listening to the sound "fan", but I can switch to a different option if you'd prefer," Jarvis answered.
"This is starting to feel like too much," Steve sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Do I really need all this? I kind of feel like a baby."
"I use a sound machine to sleep," Bruce said, walking back in the room with a teapot and mugs balanced on a tray.
"You do?" Steve asked.
"Yep. The ambient noise helps clear my thoughts and settles my mind so I can sleep. A good book, cup of tea, and forest noises always does the trick," Bruce grinned, pouring him a steaming cup of tea. Steve accepted it, letting the warmth soak into his hands and flood the rest of his body.
"There's nothing wrong with having tools to help you with things you need. If you find something that works, why not use it?" Natasha pointed out.
"It just feels like a crutch I guess," Steve shrugged. "Like I should be better than this. I shouldn't need anything."
"Sometimes when I'm homesick, I sleep under my cape," Thor said, leaning forward to grab his own cup of tea. "Does that make me weak?"
"Of course not!" Steve exclaimed.
"You gotta get these ideas out of your head about what you should and shouldn't do. Even if you slept in a pile of teddy bears wearing footie pajamas, that doesn't get rid of your ability to kick like everyone on the planet's ass," Clint said.
"And it's not like you'll always need all of this every night, which still wouldn't be a problem really," Natasha added. "Even Captain America deserves a little grace." Steve sighed, taking a sip of his drink to collect his thoughts. What they were saying made sense and he'd never begrudge someone else for doing what they needed to get by in life, so why was it so hard for him? Probably because he'd only just started letting himself have anything. It was difficult going from the bare bones of life to having the world at your fingertips. It kind of made him want to go back to having nothing, because the possibilities were overwhelming.
But then he thought of his shower. And all of those sweaters. And the box of candy. The way Tony's eyes lit up when he smiled. How Natasha's face softened when he opened up to her. The feel of Thor's solid hand on his neck. Was he willing to lose all that again by being stubborn?
"Okay," Steve whispered, giving Natasha a small nod. "So what should I do next?"
"Hey Jarvis, can you pull up Bruce's documentary?" Natasha asked, scooting back up onto the couch and pressing against his side.
"It's not that boring," Bruce protested, curling back up on his own couch with a cup of tea. "The narrator is very good."
"I'm sure they are," Natasha brushed off while she curled her body around Steve's. "If you want me to move, just say so." Steve nodded his head, unsure if he wanted her to or not. This was a lot of touching for him, but it wasn't terrible.
"So now what? We just watch the movie?" Steve asked.
"Yep," Natasha grinned, pulling the blanket higher up his chest. "Focusing on trying to fall asleep will make it harder and stress you out. The more relaxed you are, the better you'll sleep."
"Okay," Steve agreed, turning his attention back to the screen. The documentary actually wasn't too bad and Steve ended up learning a lot about puffins. But when they got to the moose segment, Steve could feel his eyelids getting heavy.
"Don't fight it," Natasha murmured, leaning up to card her fingers through his hair. If he closed his eyes and didn't think too hard, he could almost pretend that it was his mom doing it, shushing and calming him while he was in the throes of a fever. He felt his head tilting to rest on Thor's surprisingly comfortable shoulder, but the other man didn't seem bothered by it, hunching down so Steve's neck would be at a better angle.
Steve blinked his eyes open again, wanting to see the team one last time before anything happened either way. Tony had moved over to Bruce's couch and was discussing something with him. Clint had dragged himself around the table and was resting his head on Natasha's lap. Natasha was still snug against his body, murmuring unintelligible sounds into his ear. Thor was Thor, solid and warm and a little rumbly under his cheek.
Even if this didn't work, if Steve woke up screaming in five minutes, it would be worth it to have this feeling.