mild trigger warning

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Maybe Everything Could go Back to Normal

"We're not going to get anywhere in these sessions if you refuse to talk to me, Remus."

Good thing I don't really care what happens.

"I don't think you've spoken a single word to me yet."

I haven't. And don't plan on it.

"Please?"

No.

3:00, time to go. Remus stood up and left the office. He walked back to his little room, where he was still staying. They didn't trust him to be in the dorms. He would be unsupervised there, and, God forbid they let that happen. Who knows what he would do.

They had a point, Remus would admit that. But it was smothering, suffocating. He had the same routine every single day. Wake up, pick at the breakfast they brought him, stare at textbooks and blank parchment. Pick at the lunch they brought him, go to therapy and sit in silence for an hour and half, while his therapist tried to get him to talk. Go back to his room, where Sirius would be waiting for him.

Relax with Sirius, until Sirius went to the Great Hall and Remus picked at the dinner they brought him. Lay on his bed, thinking, unmoving, silent, until a restless sleep finally over took him.

Day after day after day after day. They all blended into one another. There was nothing to distinguish between them. They were exactly the same and he was trapped in the routine and they were watching and he just wanted to cut.

"Remus, you need to talk to someone. If you don't feel comfortable with me, then we can arrange for a different therapist."

It has nothing to do with you. I don't need help. I won't talk to anyone.

"Anything that happens in here stays in here. It's the doctor-patient confidentiality. I can't- and won't- tell anyone anything."

Until I tell you that I want to cut so fucking badly. Until I tell you about my thoughts. Until I tell you how fucking badly I want to die. And then you tell them and I get hospitalized and locked away for the rest of my life. Maybe put down, because what difference does one werewolf make? It's just one less monster running around out there.

"Remus, please."

I hate it when you call me that. You're not my friend. You don't get to do it.

And it's time to go again. Back to the room, with its stupid fucking lock and stupid fucking child-proofing and its stupid fucking walls. It's all just one long, endless loop. Maybe he's living the same day over and over and over again. He wouldn't be able to tell. Maybe if he killed himself, it would break the loop.

"Remus, we've had a lot of these sessions. And we've done absolutely nothing. This needs to change."

No, it doesn't. I know that we've done absolutely nothing. Because it's exactly what I wanted. And don't call me Remus.

"I want to help you."

Don't lie to me. No one does. No one cares. They all say they do, but in the end, it's just some stupid kid who couldn't deal with his problems like everyone else. Who kept overreacting. Who couldn't keep the one secret that mattered.

"I care about you. We all do."

Don't fucking lie to me. I know they don't. I don't need your fake sympathy.

And it's 3:00 again, and it's time to go back to the room again. Remus left the office without so much as glancing up from the ground. He walked slowly back to his room. He was exhausted.

Sirius was sitting on the bed. He looked up when Remus entered the room. "You still aren't talking to him, are you?" he asked sadly.

Remus didn't answer, and that was all the confirmation that Sirius needed. He stood up and walked over to Remus, pulling him into a tight hug, kissing the top of his head.

"You need to talk to him," he whispered.

Remus shook his head. He had mostly stopped talking to everyone. Sirius was the only one he still talked to, and even then, it was very rare.

Sirius pulled away, holding Remus by the shoulders at arm's length, looking sadly at his boyfriend. "You need to. You know they won't let you out of here until he ok's it, and he won't until you start talking."

Remus tried to pull away, but without much conviction.

"Please," begged Sirius. "For me. I miss you. We all miss you. It's just not the same."

Remus pulled away and walked in front of Sirius. He went to the far side of the bed and slid down onto the floor, leaning against the side of the bed and pulling his knees up against his chest.

Sirius hurried to join him on the floor. It hurt him so much to see his boyfriend like this. He was like an empty shell of the boy he had once been. Remus didn't deserve all of the shit. He didn't deserve to be in so much pain.

Remus just sat there. He wasn't thinking, he wasn't crying. He hadn't cried in a long time. He wanted to. He just couldn't.

Sirius looked at him with tears in his eyes. He shifted so that he was kneeling in front of Remus and took Remus's hands in his own. He reached out and lifted Remus's chin until they were looking at each other.

"Please, Remy?" he whispered, his voice cracking.

Remus considered it for a long minute.

"Fine."

Sirius smiled and kissed him gently.

"So, Remus, I don't suppose anything has changed since last time?"

"No," Remus replied almost inaudibly.

His therapist looked up in shock. It was the first time Remus had spoken in all of their daily sessions. They had mostly been quiet, with the therapist asking a few questions, all of which Remus ignored. But this, this was progress.

"Ok," he said, clearly at a loss for words. "Um, how's Sirius doing? I know he visits every day."

"Fine."

"You're still clean? You're not self-harming in any way?"

"Yes."

"And you're not experiencing any troubling thoughts? Like suicidal thoughts, for example?"

"None."

The therapist smiled at Remus. This was progress. Remus was finally opening up. It would take time, they would move slowly, but it was progress. If Remus continued to cooperate, he would probably be allowed to go back to his dorm in the next couple of days.

Remus didn't talk any more during that session. But it was a step. And Sirius would be happy, and he could leave the room and break that damned loop. And then maybe everything could go back to normal.

A/N:

i got my paper done. 7 1/2 pages. i'm really proud of it. i've spent several months on it. it's my big senior thesis paper, and i'm doing a thesis defense at some point. it's on the atomic bombs. i'm arguing that the us wasn't justified in dropping them on hiroshima and nagasaki

if u have any questions about me and shit, like if u want to get to know me better, then just leave a comment and i'll answer them :)

take care, drink some water, be nice to yourselves. i love you all sm 3

ktf xolyn