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Hellsing: law & order ficlet

Sapphirewyren

Don't Say I Didn't Tell You So

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing…too bad, I would have made it so much better….

Integra had no idea why she decided to stay with Pip when all of the other agents left for the night. Perhaps she wanted to see if he was truly going to eat the large platter of shrimp in front of him. Or maybe she wanted to spend more time with him one on one. She liked spending some time with her subordinates/friends outside the work place every now and then. Even though it felt more like now more than then and Integra was fine with that. But tonight it was definitely was to watch Pip eat those shrimp or try to tell him not to.

"Those look like they have been sitting at room temperature all week."

"No they haven't. They are fine. You want one?"

"Lord no! I can smell them from over here and they smell horrible."

"Where is your sense of adventure, Sir?"

"I replaced it with common sense. It was a buy one, get one free sale."

Pip inhaled deeply, "Ah smells like the ocean."

"If that ocean was made of sewage."

Pip just laughed, "You have no idea what you are missing out on, Sir." The man grabbed several sauces; soy sauce, wasabi sauce, hot sauce and took out a handful of sweet-n-sour sauce that he had grabbed from McDonalds.

"I strongly advise against eating that, Pip."

"You're going to be sorry that you didn't have any, Sir" was Pip's reply with a large grin. He then proceeded to eat the whole platter, dunking each piece of shrimp into one or more of the sauces. All the while, Integra looked at him with a look of disgust mixed with awe. She was surprised that one man could eat an entire platter that was meant to feed a family of at least five. Pip gave a loud belch when he was done.

"That was delicious! Feeling sorry now, Sir?"

"I'm feeling sorry for you."

Pip loved that shrimp so much that he ordered two more platters and again after he was finished he burped again.

"Ahhh, I love shrimp. This place sells the best shrimp."

"This place is behind in its hygienic code."

To Integra it seemed that the restaurant had all fresh food, except the shrimp, which she suspected were locked in a barrel all week.

"You know what drink goes good with shrimp?" Pip asked.

"No I don't. Enlighten me."

"A big glass of milk!"

Integra sighed, "Pip, I don't think that….and you're already ordered one…..and you're drinking it…."

Pip leaned back in his chair and patted his stomach, "All done."

After that the two sat talking for about 45 minutes later and just as Integra was about to call for the check, Pip's stomach made a nasty gurgling sound. Integra's eyes widened in surprise, so did Pip's. The stomach grumbled again and Pip made a heaving sound as if he was about to puke.

"Pip….are you ok…?" Integra asked slowly.

The Frenchman gave another heave, leapt out of his seat and bolted towards the bathroom. Integra went after him, she definitely had to see this. When she entered she could hear Pip expelling his dinner into the toilet.

"You know Pip, I did warn you against eating that slop they call shrimp."

"Please….Sir…go….away…"

"And miss this? I don't think so."

More splattering into the toilet water could be heard and Integra just chuckled.

"Oh merde*!"

Integra could tell that now Pip had to go from kneeling in front of the toilet to sitting on it. A loud farting sound could be heard from the stall along with a powerful stench. Integra covered her nose with her hand.

"Damn Pip, how can such a smell come from one person?"

"Sir….please…" Insert sound of toilet paper coming off the roll. "There's…so much…."

"Of course there is, you ate all of that shit."

Speaking of shit. Another load could be heard hitting the loading dock.

"You're going to need to light a dynamite in here, Pip."

"This…is the….merde!" More heaving. Now Pip had to kneel again.

"Your colon is a two way street tonight."

Just then two men walked into the bathroom.

"Fuck! What is that smell?" exclaimed one.

Looking at Integra who was leaning casually against the wall, the other asked, "You know this is the men's room, right?" The first man said, "Let's go, Jack. I can't use the toilet in here." Both men wore looks of disgust when they heard Pip vomit again and they ran out.

"I hope they give others some kind of warning. How are you doing in there, Pip?"

"Merde!"

"I asked 'how', not 'what'."

"This…is not…"

"This is not wat you expected when you ate three large trays of rancid shrimp and a gallon of milk, not to mention the meal you ate before?"

"Sir…."

"Don't worry, Pip. I'll let you have several days off until you are well."

Another round of crapping. After a while Pip's stomach decided to give the poor guy a break-for now. Pip staggered out of the stall and glared at Integra.

"Why are you looking at me like that? I told you not to eat the shrimp."

"You…didn't have to laugh…"

"Sure, I did. Looks like you're going to need a ride home you can't drive like that." Integra left the bathroom where Jack came up to her and asked, "Is your boyfriend alright?"

Boyfriend? Integra decided to humor the man. "He's okay for now, he ate the shrimp."

"The shrimp?! No one eat the shrimp here!"

"I tried to warn him. Let's just say he is not getting any tonight."

Jack walked away laughing, while saying, "Poor sod."

Integra called a taxi, she was not going to have Pip riding in her car; her driver would throw a fit. She handed him a bucket, "If you have to throw up, do it in there." Pip only threw up twice. The commander then helped Pip to his apartment, on the way there she said, "Pip, you smell bad, you are aware of that, right?"

"Shut…up….Integra…"

Integra chuckled, "You only get one of those and I do deserve it."

When they were inside of the apartment, Pip's stomach made a garbling sound and he rushed to the bathroom. His stomach couldn't decide if the contents should go up or down, so it did the only logical thing-both. So when Pip went to barf, he shat his pants.

"MERDE!"

Integra took that as her cue to leave, she would wait until she was out in the hallway to laugh her ass off.

"Get better, Pip. I'll see you in a couple of days."

1st Division Headquarters

Seras looked around the room where the agents were gathered to discuss a new case.

"Where's Pip?"

"Yeah, Sugar Lips, where's French Toast? You two stay out late?"

"You can say that. He ate the shrimp- a lot of it."

"Oh no" said Seras.

"Doesn't he know that no one eats the shrimp?"

"I tried to warn him, but he didn't listen."

"It's an unspoken rule" sighed Alucard.

"Well after that madness at the restaurant, he certainly didn't get any last night." Integra left the room laughing, while the agents looked stunned.

Chapter End

Author's Notes: I had an idea of what the members of the 1st Division team did outside of work and came up with this idea. There will be more like this, I promise. I don't know if they will as funny. But a day in the personal of one of these agents is an interesting thing to write. Also merdemeans 'shit' in French. I hope you enjoyed. See ya in the next chapter.

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