37
TONKS wasn't sure she liked the look in Remus's eyes as she set down her steaming mug of tea and settled herself in the chair underneath the willow tree in her parents' backyard, nor was it a particularly good sign, she thought, that her parents left the two of them alone, mumbling something about giving them a second.
Her intuition was buzzing like a hive of bees, sensing something was wrong. "Remus?" she questioned, a note of hope laced throughout her voice that the man would just come clean with whatever was ailing him and be honest with her. "What's wrong? H-has something…" she paused, feeling suddenly so self-conscious and unsure of herself. "Happened?" she asked at last.
The moment had come that Lupin had been dreading. He'd felt this insurmountable feeling welling up within himself for the better part of the last few nights, ever since they'd lain together.
He did not want Dora to get hurt, and the best way to do that was to keep her safe. Away from Sirius until he learned the truth.
He could delay speaking about it no longer. "I…there's something you and I should discuss, Tonks, something that you're going to want to hear," he murmured softly. Lupin's tone brought concern to her gaze as Lupin took hold of the young woman's hand and stared deep into Nymphadora Tonks's pale grey irises for what felt like several long moments.
He stroked back a wisp of her pink hair that had fallen across her face. Then suddenly, Remus found he could not bear to look into the shining adoration in the young Auror's eyes that he found as their gazes locked. He wasn't worthy. He turned instead to stare at some point across the Tonks' backyard, at the edge of the woods, which he didn't truly see as his attention wasn't fully focused.
"I have to go back. Without you. It's what's best for you, Dora, sweetheart." His voice was faint, very nearly a whisper at this point.
The fact that Remus had gone so quiet and suddenly could not bear to look her in the eyes caused Tonks's heart to drop to the bottom of her stomach. Her arms felt like they went numb, and she almost knocked over her glass of tea that Mum had made.
All the color, what little of it was left, that is, drained from her as she swallowed the bitter acidic stomach bile in her throat. She knew Lupin meant to leave her behind here, at her parents' house.
"Without me?" she questioned, unsure of what she had heard. "You—you can't bloody be fucking serious! Is this a joke?"
Lupin flinched. Tonks had gone out of her way throughout their partnership to mind her language whenever she was around him, though considering what he was about to do to her, she was warranted and well within her rights to be angry with him.
Remus dropped his chin remorsefully. He swore his wolfish hearing could almost hear Tonks's heart shattering into pieces. He nodded slowly and sorrowfully. "Why did Alastor and the other Aurors at the Ministry even assign you Black's case, Tonks? It's a conflict of interest. You're his cousin, Tonks…"
"They thought I could handle it despite the risks. That maybe if he could see a familiar face, he might react differently. I knew the risks when I took the job, Lupin. And…you're really going back." It wasn't even a question as it left Tonks's lips. She voiced her suspicion as if she were already certain, which Tonks was.
Lupin twisted his entire body to her, desperate to make Dora understand. "I'm not leaving you here because I don't think you can't handle it, Dora, that's not the point," he corrected. "I—I'm going back to kill Peter Pettigrew and I don't want you seeing it."
"Bullshit, Remus and you know it. Why are you really doing it?" She shook her head, trying to send her partner's words away. "You and I are supposed to be partners, and this is not how this relationship is supposed to work." Her eyes questioned him.
It felt as though his words collided against each other as he spoke, hoping she would accept his decision. He was leaving her here, but he would come back for her, but to make her see that.
As he mulled over this in this mind, Lupin realized Tonks hadn't said anything, and that the only thing he could hear under the shade of the tree in her parents' backyard, was the relentless thundering of his own heart in his chest as he struggled to think of something else to say that would put Tonks' mind at ease.
Tonks silently considered Lupin's reasoning. Her heart ached to think of yet another partner leaving her alone, in a similar manner in that Ollie had dumped her all those years ago, then.
Under the shade of a comforting tree and everything. She bristled, grinding her teeth together in anger. How could she watch Remus leave her? Something deep inside of her stung with a horrible hurt and a bitterness that his little plan wasn't going to end as she thought. Yes, he was admittedly right that it was considered a conflict of interest since Sirius was her cousin, but...
But she sensed there was more to Remus's reason than that.
"You won't come back." She announced, shrugging out of Lupin's desperate grasp, scrunching her nose, and suddenly looking disgusted. She recoiled away from him in her anger. "You—you're ashamed of me, somehow. I can sense it, so don't try to—to wriggle your way out of this one, Lupin. Are—are you ashamed that we did it? That I—that I kissed you? Is that it?"
Remus could not bear the dread in Tonks's prediction.
"That's—no, that's not what I'm saying at all! Of course, I'll come back!" Lupin gently took Tonks's elbows and brought the young witch around to face his despairing but hardened gaze. "Nothing's going to stop me. I—if Peter really is the one behind the Potters' murders, he sold James and Lily to Voldemort, Dora. And that makes him a dangerous man. I won't have you in harm's way." He swore to her. "It's just for a day or two. Sirius and I will kill him, and I'll come back for you before you can blink. Plus, even if your case is a conflict of interest, it would put a damper on your career as an Auror, and I won't have your career suffering."
Lupin tried to give her a hopeful smile, though it felt strained, and he knew the look didn't at all reach his eyes.
Tonks eyed him questioningly, as though she didn't believe him. "This is all just an excuse, because of what happened?"
Lupin felt his face fall. Tonks was upset, yes, he had expected that much from her, though there was something else. Something he began to shiver for, and not in a pleasurable way. Tonks was furious. Her voice rose in pitch the angrier she became, and of all the things Remus had been expecting from his partner, even how she would react, this…wasn't really it.
"I know that you care for me, Remus, don't even think about lying to me," she snapped, her voice trembling with the onset of her fury. "Why then did we…did we…if you don't trust me?"
Her voice was hoarse as she confronted him, her eyes were fully focused on Remus now, wide, and unblinking, unwavering.
Lupin felt like his mind had gone utterly blank as her tone rose the angrier she became. Of all the things, Lupin had been expecting this wasn't it. He felt like he was unable to process what exactly was happening. He'd understood Dora would be angry for daring to leave her behind at the relative safety of her parents' home, but he'd never known that she'd react like this.
"Tonks, please don't do this, I'm only trying to help you!"
"Are you?!" she shouted. "Why did you kiss me, why are we even dating if you don't trust me enough to talk to Sirius alone?" She had lowered her voice as she backed away from him a couple of steps. Her words were like Dungbombs, exploding.
His ultimate nightmare, what Lupin had been dreading of their partnership right from the very start as she spoke the truth.
"Because…because I love you, and I couldn't hold back anymore," he heard himself saying, though his voice did not sound like his at all. "Because I don't want to see you get hurt."
Lupin didn't dare look at Tonks as he lifted his head and walked towards her slowly, looking at his partner almost in a methodical way, the anger and hurt and betrayal in her eyes almost too much to bear, but Remus just had to make her see it.
"Because I've liked you from the start but what I felt for you then that night on the Hogwarts Express is nothing to what I feel now."
Remus could see Dora give a start at her words. She said nothing but Lupin could tell it wasn't for lack of trying as her lips parted open in shock, though no words came forth. He had more or less shocked her into silence. That wasn't his intention.
"Is that what you want to hear, Tonks?" Lupin demanded, his voice hoarse and rough as he stepped closer toward Tonks. "That I'm not good for you, too old, too poor for you, and far more dangerous than anybody else you could have chosen to be with. That you torment me, and I hate you and love you for it? That I—I hate how beautiful you are because I'm afraid that one day, you won't want to be with me, because of what I am? You're my mate, Tonks, whether I like it or not, despite how hard I tried to stay at a distance from you, I—I couldn't help myself, and I can't let you do this," he growled, feeling something ugly begin to rise within himself the angrier he became as he talked. "Wolves like me, we protect our own. I won't let you get hurt. I'm going back alone, without you, Dora, but I promise to come back. I swear it, I promise you," he vowed with earnest.
"That I'm your…" Tonks's voice had lowered an octave, almost to a mere whisper. The anger was thankfully now gone from her eyes, though she sounded dead and flat when she spoke, little more than a dead leaf fluttering on the breeze.
Lupin blinked owlishly at her, realizing how it must have sounded to her, given the turn their conversation had taken.
"Dora, sweetheart, I…" he started to say, lifting his hand to gingerly touch her shoulder though Tonks quickly stepped away.
"Go," she snarled, refusing to look at him.
Her profile was turned to the side as she ducked underneath the shade of the tree in her parents' backyard for shelter from the hot sun.
"It's clear to me that you don't understand, Remus, and I don't know if you ever will. I'm more than capable of handling myself. I don't think you need me to tell you that, but you don't trust me. I can see it now. You don't respect me. Not really, Lupin. I...I can't have a partner that won't abide by their own, Lupin. Leave."
Lupin flinched as her voice was cold. Tonks could barely stomach to look at Remus as her posture stiffened and she folded her arms across her chest. The finality in her voice was chilling, rendering his blood to ice in his veins as it froze over.
Neither one of them were barely aware of Ted and Andromeda awkwardly coming to stand on their back porch, hating what Remus was doing to their daughter, but the pair of loving parents could see how much the man cared for her, and that, they supposed in the end, was good enough for them both.
Lupin was far too preoccupied on Tonks to take notice of anything else. He looked into Tonks's eyes as he moved to stand in front of her. He could see the fear and pain and anger that plagued her mind.
It shattered his heart into an untold number of fragments. He wanted her to be assured that this temporary absence from her was not going to be permanent, that he wanted to apprehend Sirius alone, but he didn't know how to.
Instead, Lupin resigned himself to lean in towards her jaw, just below her ear. In all the time they'd spent together, Remus hadn't realized it was now one of his favorite spots to kiss her.
Maybe he had a thing for her cute little ears, he didn't know.
Tonks, for her part, could barely stomach to look Lupin in the eyes. This was like what Ollie had done to her all over again.
Only with Remus, it felt a hundred times worse.
As he moved in to kiss her, Tonks felt a surge of anger course through her veins and take hold of her once more, threatening to consume her wholly. She did not want to gift him with her affection for essentially betraying her trust, and all her partnership stood for.
It could have been that Tonks couldn't bear to think that this would be the last time she would feel his lips pressed against hers. Whatever her reason was for denying Remus this pleasure, she drew back and turned away from her partner, not granting him the opportunity of touching her. He did not have the right.
Standing underneath the tree as tall and as proud as the young pink-haired Auror could muster, Tonks turned her back on Remus and walked purposefully towards her parents' back porch, where they stood on the topmost step, waiting for her.
Tonks would be Merlin and goddamned if she were going to stand underneath another fucking tree and beg another boyfriend not to go. Remus had made his bloody choice, and it wasn't her.
Lupin felt his heart sink to the pit of his churning stomach as Tonks refused his kiss and had walked away from him. He stood, wanting the ground beneath his shoes to open up beneath him and swallow him whole, watching the one woman who he loved more than his own miserable and wretched life walk away from him.
He wondered briefly if this was how she'd felt when her ex had dumped her, and now he was walking away from her.
Lupin knew he deserved every bit of Dora's mistrust and anger and hurt. He knew that. Remus swore to himself that he would stop at nothing to restore Tonks's faith and trust in him.
That she could trust him. That he was not leaving her. "Take care of her. I promise to come back," Lupin begged Ted and Andromeda Tonks as he watched Tonks slam the door to her parents' house and didn't so much as bother to look back once.
Ted Tonks looked up at Professor Lupin in alarm, a worried and serious frown furrowing his eyebrows together and creating a deep groove at the edges of his mouth, making the half-blood wizard look older than he really was. It was the first time he'd heard his daughter's new boyfriend allude to any sort of fear.
"We will, son, we promise. We'll expect you to keep your word to our Dora. You come back, and make it fast, do you hear me?"
Lupin nodded, silently trying to convey his thanks with his eyes and feeling he was doing an adequately piss poor job of it.
He turned away, fixing his gaze on the woodland path ahead of him. He clenched his jaws together and fought against the lump forming in his throat as he swallowed down past it. The memory of the kiss that Dora did not give him would haunt him.
He let out a haggard breath and carded his fingers through his hair, stifling a low agonized growl to himself as he did what was perhaps the hardest thing in his adult life as he stalked away from Dora's parents' property and Disapparated on his heels to go once he was within a relatively safe distance from their home. Lupin was smart enough not to look back.
He knew what he had to do.