When Reign was 12 Clarke felt her secure walls, she built around Wanheda being bull dozed down without much warning. It all started when Madi got sick, it wasn't serious, most people got it at least once in their lives on the ground. Clarke being a healer and a mother she wanted to comfort her child the best she could and sometime that meant staying up all night while the girl coughs and vomits all over the place.

"Mom I'm fine please just go to bed." Madi whined, she was in the middle of a coughing fit and Clarke felt useless. She wanted to do something, make the pain stop or give her a cure all medicine but she couldn't, they just had to wait it out.

"I'm going to make more tea; I think it's really helping." Clarke smiled ignoring her daughter pleas for her to bed and headed to the kitchen.

Clarke could tell that it would only be a few hours before the sun rose and Lexa still hadn't returned home; it wasn't out of the norm especially with the nomads running loose. Whisperings had been going around of a group uprising against the coalition, no one new who started it or who was apart of it just that they called themselves nomads.

So far, their attacks hadn't been too viscous just stealing supplies and ravaging villages, but it was still enough for Clarke to worry. Wanting to harm the coalition meant wanting to harm the commander and she refused to let that happen.

Lexa and the other ambassadors had been trying to find a way to catch the involved parties, but it wasn't easy. In a way it reminded her of when they couldn't find Ontari and that worried her more. She knew Lexa wouldn't do anything rash if not for her then for their daughters but there was nothing, they couldn't which worried her more.

It made her realize that there isn't a world where everyone is happy, even though there was peace among the clans, and everyone seemed to be thriving people still found a way to feel like it wasn't enough. There are people who don't like change, who don't want it, so they reap havoc and hope to ruin it.

Before Clarke could finish her downward spiral, she heard a noise from the front room, like something fell. Thinking it was Lexa she stopped making her tea and went to greet her.

"How did it go-." Clarke stopping in her tracks, unlike she thought Lexa wasn't the one who made the noise.

She stood silently staring a strange woman in her house, she was dressed in all black with dark hair and face paint applied intricately. She had a bloodied sword in her hand assumably used to kill the guards out front.

Clarke's mind was on over drive trying to figure out her best move, her daughters were in their rooms 20 feet away and she had a stranger in her house. She needed a weapon; the woman was no bigger than her, but it was too risky attacking while she's holding a sword. She carefully scanned the room hoping Reign or Madi left a sword laying around, but they never do. After hearing Clarke bitch about it every night they finally started storing their swords in their rooms.

Damn it

She had no weapon or no plan, but she needed to get this woman out of her house, and it was a very high chance it wouldn't be alive.

"Who are you?" Clarke finally asked, catching the women off guard would give her an advantage. So, babbling it is.

Moments went by but it felt like years and all the woman did was smile at her, not an inviting smile. A I'm going to kill you smile and Clarke could feel her fists tightening up.

"The big bad commander left her family here all alone?" The woman smirked, clearly thinking this job would be easier than she thought. She even started picking up clothes and toys belonging to her kids which pissed her off even more.

"I can protect us just fine." Clarke sneered, causing the woman to laugh.

"I've heard stories of the great Wanheda, and this- this is what I was expecting."

"Yeah, well I get that a lot. So, if you've come to kill me let's get this over with." As the woman continued to look around her house Clarke noticed a blinking red light beside her. A radio. The one she typically used to talk to Lexa if she was at the tower or in meetings for the day.

She quickly took her ponytail holder from her wrists and wrapped it around the button so Lexa would hopefully hear.

"I've never seen someone so eager to die." She smiled, examining one of Reigns drawings.

"And I've never seen someone stupid enough to attempt what you are alone but here we are." Clarke decided to give the girl a smile of her own which seemed to make the girl laugh even more.

"I've trained for this; I don't need an army to kill you or your pathetic commander." The girl spat,

"So, is this the part where you give me your villain monologue as to why you hate the commander so much?"

"She took something from me, and I plan to do the same to her." She smiled, finally rushing toward the blonde who dodged her sword in time.

Clarke had become quite the fighter over the years, she trained with Luna mostly, but the girl taught her a lot. How to intimate your opponents and thankfully how to defend yourself without a weapon.

This woman currently attacking her couldn't be much younger than her maybe by a couple of years which probably means she been training most of her life. That didn't matter, Clarke wasn't losing this fight, but she also didn't want to kill her.

She had successfully dodged all the girls swings and hits but eventually she would have to do something. Waiting for Lexa wasn't an option anymore as much as she didn't want to kill her, the woman was showing no signs of giving up.

"You don't have to do this." Clarke said, trying to keep the woman towards the door, "I don't want to hurt you so if you leave now you can make it out of this alive."

"That's funny." She laughed, "Wanheda, the commander of death, mountain slayer doesn't want to hurt me? You're just as weak as I thought you were!"

"Mom?" a small said from behind Clarke,

'No.' Clarke thought, turning around seeing her 12-year-old in her pajamas with one of her spears in her hand.

"Go back to your room Reign." Clarke demanded, "NOW!"

Clarke could see the women rushing toward Reign and she knew she had no choice now. She grabbed smaller girls spear throwing it through the air piercing the woman in the stomach before she could block it with her sword. She fell instantly, blood pouring from her wound and her mouth and all Clarke could think about was how she just killed someone in front of her daughter.

What happened next was a blur she heard the door open, Lexa and several guards rushing in behind her. All she could do was stare at the lifeless body in the middle of her living room, a place where her kids play and eat and laugh. A place where she may never be able to do those things anymore because all she'll see is this woman dead with blood gushing from her body.

"Clarke!" Lexa shook the blonde, "Are you hurt?" the brunette checked the girl's clothes and body for cuts or blood, but she was untouched, "I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"It's not your fault." The blonde whispered, "Is she- did she see?"

Lexa looked behind the blonde at a sleepy Reign who was looking right at them,

"Reign go check on Madi please." Lexa looked at the little girl who nodded before walking off, "Clarke-."

"She saw me." The girl sighed putting her head in her hands trying to control herself, "My daughter just saw me kill someone." If the beginning of a downward spiral had a feeling this would be it, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole aimlessly not knowing what's waiting for her at the end. Clarke could feel herself breaking down because for the past 12 years she been trying to hide that part of who she is from her kids. She's been trying to prove to them that she's not the commander of death that she's not a killer, but she is.

"Clarke listen me; she understands why you had to do this."

"How do you know that?" Clarke yelled, "She- I never wanted this."

"I know, and I should've been here."

"You can't always be here Lexa, she wanted to kill you she wanted to kill all of us, and I would never let that happen ever. But I didn't- I asked her leave so I wouldn't have to." Clarke sighed staring at the guards as they removed the body, "It was silly of me to think I could forget who I really am."

"Clarke you're not a killer, you are someone who has sacrificed and carried burdens so our people could live. Have you killed? Yes. Have you ever killed someone for fun or for no reason? No. So you are not a killer, you protected our kids today and I won't ever ask you to feel bad about that and you shouldn't ask yourself to either."

Clarke looked out the window trying to focus on anything else, the sun was rising but she wanted nothing more than for this day to end.

"I need some air." She finally said removing herself from her wife's arms before walking outside into the cool heat.

Sun rise on the ground was a beautiful sight one she always thought she could enjoy but today she couldn't, she refused to. She shouldn't be allowed to enjoy anything after she just killed someone.

She sat by the river watching the water trying to clear her head, trying to figure how she was going to face her daughter. Because even if Reign understands she still never wanted any of her kids to see that side of her. Is it so bad that she just wanted to be mom? No Wanheda or mountain slayer or even sky girl, for them she just wanted to be mom. And that was ripped away by some stranger on a revenge tour that apparently started and ended with her family.

"Mom?"

The voice made her wince and she wanted to run so she wouldn't have to face her but here she was.

"Please go inside Reign." She could hear the girl sigh before she sat down beside her,

They both sat in silence for a few minutes watching the water and listening to the birds' chirp.

"I'm sorry that I came out of my room." The younger girl finally said,

"Please don't apologize." Clarke wiped her silent tears trying to get herself under control,

"I heard you and I knew that nomon wasn't here and Madi is sick and I wanted to help you." Reign looked over to her mom, "I remember the first time I heard someone call you Wanheda, it confused me because you're my mom and I know you aren't the commander of death. You aren't someone who likes killing and I know that everything you did in the past you did for a reason. I know you never wanted me to know any of it, but I know everything, and it doesn't change anything." The girl reached over grabbing her moms' hand, "I know about the dropship and the mountain and you want to know what I think of you? I think you're an amazing leader who sacrificed a lot to save everyone even when you thought you couldn't save anyone, and I know it's why you don't want me or Madi to be heda. I know you don't want us to have to carry that burden but in the end it's our choice and I know you didn't have one. So, to me you aren't the commander of death, you're my mom and you're a leader and I couldn't be prouder of you. Some people don't get good parents, but I got two amazing one's and I hope one day you can see yourself how we all see you."

Clarke sighed wiping her tears looking over at her daughter, she had white blonde curls and big green eyes and in her voice all she could hear was Lexa. The voice of reason, the voice that has dug her out of every hole she was in and reminded her who she was.

She was growing up so fast and at twelve she was wiser than Clarke would ever be able to understand.

"Before you were born your nomon told me you would see me for who I really am, but I didn't believe her." She smiled sadly, "Even though I knew you'd be a mini Lexa I never imagined you would be just as wise and amazing as her and I'm proud to have you as my daughter. But my biggest sin isn't regretting what I've done because I don't, I would do it again if it meant saving the people who depended on me. I wasn't scared for you to know I was killer Reign I was scared you would you know that I don't regret it. I didn't want you to see me that way."

"I don't."

"Even so, it's not an easy burden for me to carry and I'm sorry that I can't be stronger for you and Madi."

"You are strong!" Reign said quickly,

Clarke wanted to say more, she wanted to explain but it didn't matter. She knew her daughter loved her no matter what and that was enough for now. She doesn't need to know the battles she has to face with herself, that was for Clarke to handle.

"I love you so much, you and Madi are the best things to ever happen to me and I want you to know that your words mean everything to me." Clarke smiled wiping her tears, pulling the girl into a hug,

"I love you too mom."

She bit her lip fighting back the tears threatening to escape her eyes, her daughter has seen her cry enough for one day.

"Come inside." Reign stood up extending her hand,

"You go, I'm going to sit for a little while. Try and get some rest." She could see she was hesitant, "I promise I'm fine I just need to get some air."

Reign nodded slowly before walking back to the house and when Clarke knew she was gone she let go. Her tears streamed down her face silently as she rested her face in her hands. It had been 12 years since she felt this way, since she's had to actually kill someone and even now, she can't handle it. She would never apologize for saving her family, but she still felt it.

Her silent crying was interrupted by a hand on her back and she instantly knew it was Lexa's. Twelve years of feeling those hands all over her body whether that was for comfort or something else she knew her wife. And she knew she didn't have to tell her what was wrong she already knew. Their demons were one and the same and they tried to fight them together when they could.

Lexa silently held the blonde as she cried and she never felt so useless, she felt this was her doing. That if she could've done one thing differently her wife, her love the mother to her kids wouldn't have to live with this. She wouldn't have to feel this inner pain every time someone called her Wanheda or mentions the mountain. She could just be Clarke and a mom like she wanted.

"I'm sorry." Lexa murmured, "I'm so sorry that I did this to you."

Clarke jumped her at her words completely shocked,

"No." was all she could get out, "No, no please don't do that."

"I shouldn't have left you there." Lexa continued, "I should've been stronger and made the decision with my heart instead."

"No!" Clarke didn't want to hear this, she tried to get up and Lexa let her, "I won't hear this."

"The biggest mistake of my life and you have to live it, it's not fair." Lexa stood up walking towards the blonde, "Those deaths are on me too Clarke like you said, I had no honor, and I gave no choice. I should've been by your side and if it came down to it, I should've been the one to pull that lever."

"Lexa stop!"

"I can't stand to see you like this." The brunettes carefully caressed the girls face,

"This isn't your fault, and I don't blame you." She replied looking back into the cloudy green eyes in front of her, "I don't blame you for any of it and I never will. Ever."

"I'll always blame myself, and now I know I would easily choose you." Lexa said, "Without a second thought I would choose you over being Heda."

"I know."

"I want to." She whispered, "Even now."

"I know." The blonde repeated,

"What can I do?"

"Hold me and never let go?" the blonde smiled slightly,

"Easy." Lexa wrapping her arms around the girl wondering if she could ever have that. Life with Clarke without being Heda, maybe in another life they get to live peacefully with no responsibility just each other. Maybe.

They stayed by the water for another hour watching the water and enjoying the silence before going back inside. Clarke practically ran through the living area so she wouldn't have to see the dried blood on the floor from her latest victim. She still had a lot to sort through but right now she had a sick daughter and another daughter who needed her.

When she got to Madi's room she paused for a second watching Reign and her talk in bed. They were amazing sisters to each other, and Clarke admired their bond, they never fought, and they took care of each other always.

"Hi."

"Mom I-."

"I'm sorry about your tea." Clarke interrupted,

"It wasn't helping anyway." Madi smiled,

"I know." The blonde laughed, "Nomon's going to get some soup at the posts and I was hoping you two would come lay with me while we wait?"

"I'd like that." Madi smiled and Reign nodded,

The trio headed to the bigger room spreading out the furs and before getting comfortable in the big bed. Clarke was in the middle cuddled by her girls on each side and she never wanted to leave this spot.

Meanwhile Lexa watched by the door as the trio quickly fell asleep not long after hitting the bed. Lexa grabbed her swords and jacket before heading towards Polaris. She knew what she needed to do she just didn't know how it would turn out, it was either yes or no both answers she would have to accept.

When she reached the building, heading towards the catacombs where the Flamekeeper resides. She knocked and waited for an answer, it was early, but she knew Gaia would be up.

"Heda." Gaia bowed before letting her in and closing the door, "How can I help you today?"

"I want to retire." Lexa said bluntly,

"Retire?"

"I want to hold a conclave to find my replacement and I want to live out the rest of my days without my title."

Lexa watched the girl silently absorbing her words,

"Say something." Lexa demanded,

"I'm not surprised." Gaia replied,

"It won't be for at least 5 years; I plan to eliminate the threat of the nomads then secure trades and peace between the clans. Once those things are settled, I will start training the most promising night bloods while the others train with the guard. Once the five years is over, we'll hold a conclave here in polis where the night bloods will not only be tested in combat but leadership skills as well." Lexa hoped she covered everything, she had thought this through a million times, but she never planned on actually going to Gaia about it who was now just staring at her. "Why aren't you saying anything?" Lexa said quite annoyed,

"Come with me." Gaia nodded toward the hallway leading to the back room, Lexa didn't know what was going on, she expected a straight answer not this.

When they got to the back-room Gaia flipped the switch turning on the light which they newly had thanks to Raven who got the electricity running throughout the city.

Lexa looked around seeing the small ship still in the middle of the room as Titus had it but behind it was something she didn't recognize.

"What is that?" Lexa asked, it looked like Skai kru technology, but she'd never seen it before.

"This is the flame carrier." Gaia said, "We're still working on a name but when it's finished it will hold the spirit of the commanders. Essentially, it is a way for commanders to step down if they choose without worrying about passing on the flame. When we finish the commander will be able to come here and seek council from the previous commanders."

"We?" Lexa asked even though she already knew.

"Raven, this was her idea. At first, I was hesitant, but it makes sense, without wars or threats commanders can live for decades. They should be given the choice to step down if they want."

She should've known Raven wouldn't give up; the girl hadn't brought the idea of retiring up since the one time 4 years ago. So, to know she's been working on this since makes her smile.

"Your five-year plan is good but unfortunately it takes more than just me to agree to this."

"If the Flamekeeper is on my side the ambassadors will have no reason to decline."

"Maybe so but we have to think of every potential problem, I'll have Raven join us for the meeting. She has gained respect with the leaders after establishing electricity and running water, having her there to explain The Flame Carrier will help."

"After we've dealt with the nomads, we will call a meeting."

Gaia nodded,

"And thank you for understanding." Lexa smiled; she knew if this were Titus, they'd be having a whole other conversation. He was strict and stuck in his ways not that Lexa would hold that against him, but he wouldn't haven't even entertained this idea. So, having Gaia understand made all the difference.

"It's my job to keep the commander's best interest." She smiled, "You should get some rest, the ambassadors will want to know about the attack on your home and you should have a clear head."

Lexa nodded before exiting the cave, never in a million years did she expect this outcome. No was the answer she was expecting but even then, she knew she owed it to herself and Clarke to try.

She happily walked to the post to get Madi's soup before she went back home, there weren't many people out yet so walking around was quite easy.

"Hey Heda, looking good!"

Lexa smiled to herself turning around to her crazy friend, her crazy amazing caring best friend. One of the only people who even dared speak to her in that manner in public.

"You're up early."

"A mechanic's job is never done Lexa" Raven smiled,

"I'm glad I seen you, i-." When it comes to emotion Lexa usually saved that for Clarke and her daughters but what Raven did for her she could never repay her for that.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, I know I'm not the easiest to be friends with but I'm thankful to have you as my best friend even when you're a pain." Lexa smiled,

"Not that I don't love the sudden burst of love but where is this coming from?"

"Gaia showed me what you've been working on."

"Lexa-."

"And I'm not mad, I was going down there ask to abnegate and she showed me what you've been doing so thank you. I don't know if this would be possible without you." Lexa wrapped her arms around the girl who tenses up,

"Lexa you're hugging me." Raven said shocked,

"I know."

"You've never hugged me before." She smiled,

"I know so are you going to hug me back because if not this is quite awkward." Raven instantly squeezed the girl in her arms, she loved Lexa like a sister, so she was happy help her.

"This is twelve years in the making, I might cry."

"Please don't." Lexa giggled pulling out of the hug.

"Why are you out this early? Another late night?"

"Very." Lexa explained everything that happened while the rest of Polis slept including Clarke's breakdown.

"I should go see her." Raven said rushing off towards the house,

"She's sleeping with Madi and Reign, but you should come by later, you're good at cheering her up."

"I will." Raven nodded,

After talking to the girl Lexa finally got the soup she needed and went back home, she had been gone for close to an hour and the girls were still sleep. She took off her swords and knives before climbing in bed with them. She cuddled up next to Reign who instantly wrapped her arms around her.

"Nomon?" The girl mumbled still half asleep,

"Yes, my love?"

"Don't leave."

"I won't." Lexa ran her fingers through the blonde curls, "I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."

"Ok."