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And here we are at the final chapter. Sorry for not posting it sooner.
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He woke up slowly, groggily, and at first, he wasn't quite sure where he was. Recent memory told him that he should be in his room, as he had been for a while now, but once he started to wake up more fully, his more recent memory informed him that he was likely in the commons living room.
Yes, he was in the living room.
He was in the living room.
Remus broke down his door.
They took him out of his room.
They knew about the pills.
Fuck.
.
.
.
Fuck fuck fuck.
He shot up into a sitting position, flinging the blanket that had been draped over him off. The thought of getting up and running away or sinking out flashed across his mind, but before he could actually do anything, he felt a hand gently grasp his arm.
"Hey, it's okay, bud. Just… Don't get up quite yet."
Thomas.
Thomas was here.
He knew.
He knew.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fu-
"Jan, breathe."
Virgil.
"Oh, kiddo…"
Patton.
It wasn't until then that Janus realized it wasn't just Thomas and Virgil in the room with him. It was everyone. They were all there, and they all knew.
And then he was breaking away from Thomas, getting on his feet, trying to get away, but he almost immediately found himself stopped again, this time by a pair of strong arms wrapping around his middle. He started struggling- he had to get away, couldn't face them all when they knew- but whoever had grabbed him was holding him tight.
"Dee, please. We just want to help you."
Remus.
Remus was holding him and using the soft voice he used so rarely- the voice he only ever heard when Remus was trying not to cry.
Janus knew that he wouldn't be able to get out of talking about this. He knew that, even if he managed to get out of Remus's hold and avoided anyone else grabbing him before he could escape, it would only be a matter of time before they found him again. There wasn't anywhere for him to go. His door was broken- no amount of stopping the others from sinking into his room could keep them out when his door had a hole in it.
He was trapped.
And so he gave up- sagging into Remus's chest and hiding his face. He didn't want to see them. He didn't want them to see him.
Remus guided him back to the couch and sat down with him, and Janus continued to bury his face in the other man's sash.
"Janus."
Logan.
"I understand that the current situation is incredibly distressing to you, but… we are going to have to talk about it and, eventually, figure out a way to help you effectively," said the logical side. "This… we can't allow you to keep struggling like this."
"It's okay if you need a minute, though," he heard Patton say. "Do you need something to eat or drink?"
Silently, Janus shook his head. He didn't want to do much other than hide at the moment.
"When did you eat last, kiddo?"
He shrugged.
"I'll go get him something," a voice sighed.
Roman.
It was quiet for a minute then, a heavy air laying over them as no one spoke. And then Roman came back with a sandwich and some water, which he set on the table by the couch.
"Come on, Dee, you should eat," Remus suggested when Janus made no move to do so on his own.
He shook his head.
"Dee."
"I… I'm not hungry."
Remus sighed.
"Just… can you try? Just eat a little of it, okay?"
He deliberated with himself for a while before finally removing his face from Remus's clothes.
"... fine."
Without meeting anyone's eyes, he leaned forward and grabbed the sandwich, taking a few bites before he realized how hungry he actually was. When was the last time he had eaten? And then he gulped down the cup of water. Once he was finished, he set the cup back down on the table and brought his legs up toward his chest, curling in on himself.
He dropped his face into his hands.
"... Well, this has gone swimmingly, now hasn't it?" Janus laughed dryly, no hint of humor in his tone.
"Jan…"
"I… I'm sorry," Janus told them again. "I don't… I didn't… This wasn't supposed to happen. It shouldn't have happened. I-I… I wasn't trying to…"
He felt a hand card through his hair.
"It's okay, Dee… It's okay…"
"Janus, you don't need to apologize, and focusing on that isn't going to be effective in helping you," Logan told him. "We need to know what happened so we can hopefully try to prevent the same thing from happening again in the future."
Janus pressed his palms into his eyes, taking in a long, deep breath.
He had to say something.
"I… I don't know," he hissed quietly.
"What don't you know, bud?"
Another breath.
"I don't know why I got like this," he admitted. "It's just… I… I haven't been feeling… so great recently, but I-I didn't want you all to know about it, and things had been going just fine before then, and I thought I was over all this, but… but I'm not!"
Janus thought that someone would say something, but they didn't, and now that he was talking, he felt the words just keep bubbling out of his mouth.
" I-I-I… I didn't know what to think when Virgil pointed out I hadn't been lying as much, but then… then P-Patton said that it was good, and I-I thought… I just…"
He saw pain flash across the moral side's face, and he felt bad about that, but he kept going.
"It… I already… I already thought that you all- that you hate me and-and that you think I'm bad and I…!"
Janus knew he was crying again, but he couldn't stop the tears.
"It just- it confirmed what I had been thinking…," Janus spoke, somewhat quieter. "And I know- I know you won't, but I just… I got so scared that you… that you would want to get rid of me again…"
His breath hitched.
"And-And I just- I just couldn't! A-And it just got worse and I was scared and angry and-and I- I don't- I'm sorry!"
He was starting to not make sense anymore, and he ended his stumbling explanation with a sob. Remus was already hugging him, but Janus felt another presence sit down on his other side, sitting down between himself and Thomas. Based on the glimpse of purple he saw, he assumed it was Virgil. And then he felt another pair of arms wrap around him, so that he was surrounded.
Virgil was muttering comforting words to him, but they were quiet, and he couldn't make out half of it. The sound of it was a slight comfort despite that, though, and he managed to at least dry his tears before too long.
His words probably hadn't made a lot of sense to the others- he was too upset to make sense, but he wasn't sure he would have been able to explain it much better even after he regained some clarity, anyway. But he thought that he conveyed enough for the others to get the message, even if he hadn't wanted that message to be known at first.
Everyone waited for Janus to calm down again before continuing the conversation, but the next thing that was asked wasn't something he had any greater of a desire to answer.
"Janus, I don't wish to upset you any more than necessary, but this is important for us to keep you safe," Logan spoke up once Janus was relatively calmer. "Do you currently have any intentions to harm yourself?"
He felt Virgil tense at the same time he did.
"I- N-No…"
"Is that the truth?"
His head wasn't clear enough for him to lie effectively, so he shrugged.
"Janus," Logan stressed, allowing more of his own distress to make itself known in his tone. "Please."
Janus squeezed his arms. He wanted to dig his nails into them, and had he been alone he probably would have. And if the others knew what he wanted to do in that moment, they would have their answer.
"I-I don't know…," he replied evasively. "Maybe…"
At this, Virgil took in a sharp breath, and Patton finally started to actually cry himself. Roman pulled the moral side close to provide comfort, while Remus tightened his own hold on Janus. Thomas was holding onto his knees tightly and looking resolutely down at the floor. Logan clenched his hands into fists and took a deep breath. Then, Janus saw the usually-collected side's lip wobble, though it was quickly covered by his hand.
"Okay… Okay, we'll keep that in mind," Logan responded, almost in a whisper. "We're… Janus, we're going to have to keep an eye on you. And we'll have to implement some safety measures for the time being."
"... It's not like I can actually kill myself, Logan."
He knew he shouldn't have said that, but the words fell from his lips regardless of that.
"... Jan, that's… that's not the only thing we're concerned about," Virgil spoke softly, yet his voice was firm. "We don't want you to be hurt, either. And we don't want you to have to handle this on your own. This… this isn't your fault, Jan. You're sick, and you need help. I'm sorry I didn't know about this. I-I should have known…"
"...It's… it's not your fault, either, Virgil."
"I can literally sense when you feel like this. I… I don't know why I couldn't back then, but I should have," Virgil denied. "If I had, we could have done something before it got to this point again."
Janus shook his head.
"No, Virgil. You couldn't tell because I deceived you," Janus admitted. "I used my abilities as Deceit to keep you from noticing… and I wouldn't have let Remus tell you anything if he had tried."
"Dee…"
"Janus."
Thomas, who had remained silent most of this time, called out his name in a small voice. Janus hated that he was making his host upset on his behalf, hated that he was making the others upset on his behalf. But, he supposed, if they actually hadn't been upset at all by all this, he knew what his own response would have likely been to that.
"I… I think you need to get actual help, Janus," Thomas suggested. "I know things are more complicated since you're a part of me, but Virgil told me he talks to Emile sometimes. So, I think you should talk to him, and I'll do what I can to make sure he'll be able to actually help you. And I don't know if this is possible or not, but is there some way for you to take medication? I'm pretty sure depression is at least part of the problem here, and you… well, apparently you guys can take pills, so… it might help?"
"... Oh, that possibility had somehow slipped my mind…," Logan mumbled quietly, likely more to himself than to anyone else.
"Can you do that, bud?" Thomas requested, his gaze moving to meet Janus's eyes.
And even though Janus wanted to look away, wanted to deny their attempts at helping him, Janus couldn't deny his host.
"... I… I don't know, Thomas…"
At least, not fully.
"Kiddo…"
And then Patton began to speak, tears still streaming down his cheeks. Roman took Patton's hand in support.
"Please accept help, Janus," Patton begged. "I know it isn't the only thing that caused it, but I don't want our past actions or my own more recent actions to hurt you like this. I… I don't think that we'll be able to help you in the way you need. Not if it's just us trying things. We'll support you either way, but… I don't think you'll get any better if you don't try something different. I'm-I'm afraid of what will happen if we just keep going on like we have been."
"... But things were okay for a while…," Janus argued. "They were. So maybe… maybe what we were doing was good enough."
"No, Janus," Roman denied, surprising the deceitful side with the use of his actual name. "You were fine, maybe, but now you're not, and even if you get better again without additional help, there won't be anything stopping you from coming back to this point again later. And it's not like things will have to change if you get help. We'll still do what we've been doing, whichever things have been helping. You'll just… get some extra tools in your shed to use to make things easier for you. And maybe, with those extra tools, you can eventually get somewhere that's even better than okay."
"... Roman's right, Dee."
Janus let everyone's words roll over in his mind. He was still reluctant. A big part of him was screaming at himself that he didn't need help, that he didn't deserve help, and that it wouldn't actually work anyway.
But there was also a part, even if it was currently small, that was willing to listen to the people who cared about him.
"...Alright…," he finally agreed, his voice rough. "I suppose it can't get much worse than it already is, can it? So, I might at well… try..."
And maybe he was wrong, and it could get worse. Or maybe the others were right, and it would get better. Maybe both could be true. He didn't know.
But he knew that things could be better than what they currently were, at least. He should be able to at least return to that point, right? Sure, he hadn't been entirely okay then, either, but that still showed he could improve. It showed that there was a chance that he really could get better.
And for now, maybe that hope could be enough.
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So, this is where I intend to end this series. It's possible that I might get more ideas for it later, since this was originally a one-shot, but for now, this is it. I do want to write something focusing on Remus and Logan, at least, but I don't know when/if I would do that, so I don't want to promise anything.
Even after I decided to make this series longer, I hadn't really meant for this exact scenario to be the ending because I was trying not to get too dark with it, but this kind of happens with almost everything I write. I know everything isn't completely resolved with this, but even if I just kept making this story even longer, I don't think I would know how to completely resolve them. A lot of the stuff in this fic is based at least in part on my own experiences, and I don't exactly know how to truly 'resolve' all of it (especially the skin picking stuff). But I did try to end on a hopeful note, at least.
Thanks to everyone who read/enjoyed/commented on this series. I mostly write things because they're things I personally want to read, but I'm glad that some other people enjoyed it, too.
Thanks for reading :3!
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