Chapter Thirty-Nine: The Accident

Emma parked the bug in front of the mansion, but she couldn't bring herself to get out. She had been sat there for the past half an hour, just staring at the steering wheel. She rehearsed in her head over and over and over again what she wanted to tell Regina, what she needed to tell her, but nothing seemed to come out right. It didn't matter how she was going to say or how carefully she chooses her words. Regina wouldn't forgive her. Not for this. Not after everything that had happened between them in the past month. She lost her. Emma knew that now.

She closed her eyes and let the tears that were accumulating in her eyes fall down. She had no idea how she got here, how they got to this place. Emma wasn't stupid, she knew most of the fault was hers to blame. She was so scared that Regina would turn out to be another Lily that in the end, she was the one who became her. Lily! Emma wished she could blame her. She wished she could say this was all her fault, that she was the one who fucked her up like that. But it wasn't. The fault was hers and it was time to accept the blame and all the consequences that came with it.

Emma looked at herself in the rearview mirror. She was a mess. Her eyes were all red and puffy, and she smelled so terribly bad. That damn tequila! Her head hurt so much that Emma wasn't even sure a simple pill would be able to fix it. She cleaned her face with her hands, trying to dry the tears away, and then opened the bug's door. She walked to the front yard and then stopped at the front door. She couldn't do this. She couldn't face Regina. She couldn't lose the woman she loved. A new wave of fresh tears fell down Emma's face. She wanted to turn around and run away. She was so good at doing that and in a way, it was a better option. At least this way, she would never know if she lost Regina for sure. Emma shook her head and put the key on the door, turning it to the left. The door opened and Emma got inside the house.

"Regina?" Emma screamed. No answer "Regina?"

Emma called her name again, but there was no answer. The house was empty, just like her. Emma felt her head pounding now as if someone had a hammer and was constantly beating her head over and over and over again. She walked to the kitchen to get some water before going upstairs to the bedroom to take a pill. She stopped in front of the fridge. There was a note there, written in Regina's handwriting.

'We need to talk.

I hope you are there when I get home.

I don't want to fight anymore, Emma.

I love you

R.'

Emma cried again, openly sobbing now. God, she loved her so much. Emma took the note from the fridge and held it closer to her heart. That was probably the last time she would ever hear Regina saying I love you, even though she wasn't really saying. Her head complained again and Emma opened the fridge, taking a bottle of water from it. She walked upstairs, into their suite and found the little bag where Regina kept the meds. She found aspirin and took two pills, swallowing it with the water all at once. She drank the rest of the water and walked back into the room, flopping on top of the bed. She didn't mean to sleep. She just needed to close her eyes for a few seconds but the smell of Regina on the sheets invaded her and then everything turned black.

Emma woke up with a fright. It was storming heavily outside, and the loud sound of thunder woke her from her peaceful sleep. The window was open and there was water coming inside the bedroom. Emma stumbled off the bed and closed the window, getting herself partially wet in the process. She smelled herself and made a face when the disgusting smell of tequila hit her nose. She needed a shower. Emma looked at her watch and realized it was only four in the afternoon. Plenty of time to look at least half-decent before Regina came back home. Emma walked to her bedside table and plugged her phone to charge before going into the bathroom. She stepped into the shower and let the warm water run over her body and cracked her neck from one side to the other. Her whole body was stiff. She hoped that the warm water would help with the stiffness and if it didn't, at least her headache was gone. She reached for the shampoo and stared at it when she put it in her hand. Regina's shampoo. It had been a while she stopped buying the coconut shampoo she used and started to use Regina's apple shampoo. True be told, she never really cared for shampoo brands, she always picked up what smelled the best, but ever since living with Regina she started to use hers. It was what Regina always brought home from the supermarket and smelling like Regina was just a bonus. Emma sighed and washed her hair, rising when she was done. After that, she conditioner her hair and washed her body, finally getting rid of that awful tequila smell.

Emma wrapped herself around a towel and left the bathroom, walking straight to the closet. She chose a pair of jeans and a black turtle neck blouse to go with it. Her stomach snored and Emma realized she hadn't eaten the whole day. After she changed, Emma picked up her phone from the bedside table and walked downstairs to the kitchen to find something to eat, but her eyes eyed something else instead. Specifically, the whisky bottle right in the middle of the island. Regina must have drunk some last night when Emma was... She shook her head and closed her eyes. It would be a time for this. Emma picked up the bottle and poured herself a glass. She just needed a sip. Just a little encouragement for the conversation she was going to have with Regina later. Just a little something to take the edge off.

Except that one drink became two and then two became three and three became, God, how many now? Emma pushed the bottle away from her and put the glass on the sink. Her head was a little dizzy but she wasn't drunk. Not really drunk. The rain outside became heavier, Emma could hear the water drops hitting the windows as if they were rocks. She opened the fridge to find something to eat, something to make her head less dizzy when her phone rang inside her pocket. She picked up the phone and had to take a deep breath in when she saw Regina's name on the screen.

"Hello?"

"Emma, are you home?"

"Yeah, I am," Emma said "Are you coming?"

"Listen I need you to pick me up from work,"

"No, Regina, I can't…"

"Emma, I don't have my car and there is no one else here," Regina said "It's raining real hard and I'm afraid…"

"Regina?" Emma said, but the line went dead "Regina?"

Emma looked at the phone and realized the call had been disconnected. She called Regina back but it went straight to the voice mail. She tried the office number, but the call didn't even complete. She was about to call Regina's phone again when the electricity went down on the house. Damn it! She was in the dark and if it was like that in Storybrooke downtown the stables must be…shit! Emma took a bottle of water from inside the fridge and drank it all at once. That had to help with her slight state of drunkenness. She found an apple too and started to eat it while running upstairs to get her jacket.

She barely made it to the bug, and it was parked right in front of the house. The rain was so heavy that the umbrella Emma found in the closet flew away with the wind. She was soaking wet when she entered the car. Emma inserted the key into the ignition but nothing happened.

"Oh, no, no, no, no," Emma said "Come one, don't do this to me"

She turned the key again, but the bug stayed silent.

"God, damn it" Emma screamed and hit the steering wheel.

She thought about going outside and pop the hood open, but she knew that in this rain it would do more damage than good. She took a deep breath and tried again, this time the bug came to life and Emma sighed in relief. She maneuvered the car and slowly started to drive in the direction of the stables.

The rain became heavier and heavier at each mile Emma drove. She could hardly see anything, but she wasn't sure if it was because of the rain or her dizzy head. Maybe both. Regina would definitely have to drive back home. Home! Was that even her home anymore? The answer hit Emma like a punch. No! It wasn't her home anymore. Not because of the house, but because of Regina. She was her home. And Emma knew she had lost it, just like she did several times when she was a little girl. And what about the conversation they needed to have? Emma knew they couldn't have it in the car, but she wasn't sure she could stay still next to Regina all the way back to the mansion pretending everything was okay. Because it wasn't. She had screwed up, badly. How could she tell her that? How could she tell Regina what happened the night before? How could she tell her she attacked Ruby? And how could she truly express how terrible she felt about all of that? How ashamed she was! Because Emma was ashamed of her actions. She had been ashamed of her actions for a very, very long time now, she just couldn't stop herself. She wanted so badly to be the perfect girlfriend to Regina and she wanted Regina t to be perfect back. And she was. Regina was perfect. She had always been perfect and honest and caring. She had loved Emma so beautifully and Emma had taken that love and transformed into something else. Something bad. Emma wanted to blame Robin for everything but she knew she couldn't. At least not for everything, because yes, she knew he was in love with Regina. That much was obvious. But Regina had always reassured her, had always told her how much she loved her, told her she was gay but Emma simply couldn't accept one thing without the other. She couldn't accept that Regina loved her and was friends with Robin. And the worse part of all was that Regina genuinely believes Robin liked her just as a friend but Emma knew the truth. She knew the truth and it terrified her to think that Regina could do to her what Lily did. Lily! God, Emma hated her. Emma hated Lily for had turned her into that person.

The bug went to the left a little too much and the car went up the curb. Even with the heavy rain, Emma could hear the sound of the metal scraping the concrete. She quickly turned the wheel and the little bug came back to the road. She was so lost in thoughts of Regina that Emma hardly noticed she was driving in zigzag. How the fuck did I become Sherriff again, Emma smirked. She opened her eyes to try and see where she was going but it was impossible to. She could have already missed the turn to the stables for all she knows. Emma leaned forward to clear the fog from the window but in her drunk state, she ended up turning the steering wheel all the way to the right while her foot pressed on the gas.

Everything happened too fast. One moment Emma was speeding up to the curb and the next the bug was upside down. Emma hit her head on the glass and heard when the window cracked. She felt the pain of glasses cutting her skin and then felt her face getting wet. Whether it was from the rain or her own tears she wasn't sure. She tried to move. She tried to open the door and leave the bug, but her head was spinning so badly she wasn't even sure where the door was. And the pain in her head again. Damn it. Emma tried to move but suddenly she saw everything around her became unfocused. She blinked her eyes a couple of times but then everything simply turned black.