The Melancholy of This Humble Present That Took Place
Five Months and Twelve Days since the Last Death (Nine Deaths)
Emilia, just Emilia. That was the first time Subaru had heard that name being uttered by the beautiful silver-haired girl's lips. Satella was the name she had mouthed to him in the first place, with the obvious intention of hiding her true identity from the strange boy who had insisted on helping her back, with the pretense that it was his good deed for the day.
Subaru had a myriad of theories as to why Emilia had used the name of the Jealous Witch to hide her true identity from him. But given the impossibility of questioning Emilia herself about her reasons for doing so, Subaru would never be able to fully uncover the truth. Yet did it matter? By leaving Emilia's fate in the hands of Reinhard Van Astrea, Subaru had chosen a path in which he would never get to know "Satella".
Indeed, he had chosen a path that distanced him from the life of the first person who had assisted him in that world. Subaru had discarded a future in which there was the remote possibility that he would come to form bonds of friendship, and perhaps something more, with Emilia. He had already assumed that he would only come to learn about the enigmatic and beautiful girl through the news related to the Royal Selection.
That was exactly why Subaru was unable to stop stealing glances at the girl, while Anastasia nonchalantly showed her around the mansion. Having Emilia so close to him was something completely and utterly surreal; it was like being in a dream; no, in a nightmare masquerading as a dream. Emilia, the catalyst of so much pain, the catalyst of so much joy, the catalyst of so much...
How was he supposed to behave around her? He already knew the answer, and yet he kept asking himself that question incessantly. I must act as if I had never met her... It was that simple, he was aware of this. But it was easier said than done. After all, his blessing and curse had the latent ability to provoke that kind of peculiarity.
In a manner somewhat similar to how it had been with Halibel, Subaru retained memories of Emilia in his memory, but she did not retain memories of him whatsoever. He had lived through traumatic events at her side, and although time and the events that had elapsed had diluted and corroded the feelings he had felt that day of their meeting, the memory of her still burned brightly in his mind and heart. To her, he was but a stranger whom she had seen for the first time until a few minutes ago.
Anastasia, with Mimi by her side, had shown every section of her luxurious mansion to the guest, including the room where she would be staying for the next few days. The tour was over, and they were now making their way to the dining room; after all, it was time for lunch; a concept that was strange to Subaru, who had already skipped the first meal of the day.
In silence, Subaru walked through the long corridors of Anastasia's mansion, unsure of where to settle his gaze. While the three females who had most greatly influenced his life in that world strolled in the vanguard of the group, the black-haired young man was in the rear, accompanied by Julius, Ricardo and Halibel; in front of them were a pair of guards, Mimi's two brothers and Joshua.
Forcing himself to avert his gaze from Emilia, seeking to lessen the discomfort he was feeling, Subaru watched Tivey and Hetaro. The former would usually have been found closer to his mistress, so as to stop his sister in case she let herself get carried away. However, he now had his hands full with his brother, who despite all the treatment he had been through, still had trouble walking unaided.
Hetaro was once again able to walk without the need to carry some sort of crutch, but only for short periods of time. A tour around the mansion, even if it did not involve a great physical effort, definitely forced him to use his crutch and to need the constant support of a third party. This third party, due to size, could only be one of his siblings, who constantly took turns to carry out this task.
Subaru genuinely could not help but admire and envy Hetaro's determination in tandem. Julius thought he had great determination, had he never noticed the little demi-human? If he wanted a role model for his sickly younger brother, he should be more responsible and focus on someone truly inspiring like Hetaro and, of course, his two siblings.
In frustration, Subaru sighed heavily, then shifted his gaze again. No matter what, his thinking always devolved into thoughts of self-loathing. He needed to work on his self-esteem, and he was aware of it, but self-hatred was so deeply rooted in his mind, heart and soul, that changing that trait of himself was proving to be as challenging as improving his pathetic fighting and self-defense skills.
Without being conscious of it, while he was still thinking about his lousy mentality, his depressing state of mind, Subaru's gaze once again crept stalkingly to the trio of girls walking calmly at the front of the group. His eyes were magnetically drawn to the girl who had him in such a turmoil, debating between a thousand emotions both positive and negative.
And when he finally realized that he was staring fixedly at Emilia, it was far too late. His behavior had already attracted the attention of the person with the keenest senses in the mansion. "Su-san, are you by any chance acquainted with the lady candidate for the Lugunica Royal Selection?" In such a scenario, ideally he would have cleverly used a lie to evade any dangerous conclusions Halibel might have come to, but his body ended up failing him.
Startled, Subaru looked at his ally in the shadows, whose gaze sharpened even more after witnessing the boy's reaction. Cursing himself, Subaru looked to the other side of Halibel, where Julius and Ricardo were located. Both were conversing, and didn't seem the least bit interested in what was going on between Halibel and him.
"What makes you think so?" Subaru asked back, seeking to ascertain the impossibility of evading Halibel's suspicions.
"I'd like to say my instincts; that would make me look pretty cool." Halibel bantered cross-handed, tugging gently at the edges of the sleeves of his kimono. "But you've been so obvious that my mere sight was all it took. You keep lookin' at her, ya know? What I'm not entirely sure is whether you're doin' it on purpose or not. You've been pretty zoned out since she arrived at the mansion. And I can only assume that it's because you're attracted to her, or that ya know her from somewhere and don't know how to approach her. However, it doesn't seem to me that your gaze is that of a mesmerized man... So tell me Su-san, do ya have a history with her?"
Did he have to feign surprise at such a response from Halibel? Was it worth pretending that he didn't understand what he was talking about? Subaru was sure that any inhabitant of the mansion would have noticed his more than blatant attitude, so pretending to deceive possibly the most perceptive person in that whole world would be a complete waste of time and words.
Halibel and he already shared a secret, another one would only be comparable to hiding garbage under the rug; a rug that, anyway, already possessed pounds of garbage hidden under its cloth body. He would not tell him the whole truth; and it is not as if doing so was an option in the first place. A half-truth, a lie made-up with dashes of truth; either would suffice.
"You know me, Hal-san, my past is off limits." That's what he had finally chosen to respond. His past was a mystery, or so those who knew him believed. No one seemed willing to believe her that he had traveled to that world from his native one, and that a blink of an eye had been the cause.
"Come on, Su-san. Gimme somethin', anythin'; look at it as a way to strengthen our bonds of friendship." Halibel obviously would not be satisfied with that answer, the curious look in her sharp eyes was proof of that. However, Subaru was expecting that kind of response.
"You're not particularly forthcoming about your past either." He reproached him, smiling inwardly as he witnessed Halibel's uncomfortable reaction, who slightly turned away from him somewhat flabbergasted. Subaru thought that would be his chance to think of some fictional story from his past with Emilia, but he had been mistaken.
"If ya hadn't been avoidin' me, I'd definitely have told ya everythin' I could. So I think you're bein' unfair to me, Su-san." He wanted to retort, but it was true that Subaru had never given Halibel a chance to talk to him about himself. Would the Shinobi really have been open with him? Would he have been honest? That's an answer Subaru was not counting on, so thinking about it was just another waste of time. Time he did not reckon with...
"You could say I met her, but she doesn't know me." Unable to think about it any longer, Subaru let every unfiltered word come out of his mouth. If he ever crossed any boundaries, the shadow would make sure to let him know. "If you ask her about me, she'll tell you she's never seen me in her life. However, she is the first person I met in Lugunica and had a significant influence on me ending up where I am now."
"It never crossed my mind that what you'd tell me would turn out to be so tragic." Halibel replied, after a few seconds of analyzing what he just heard. "Who are ya, Su-san?"
With a wide forced smile, Subaru gave an answer to Halibel's question. "That's a question I've actually heard plenty of times..." But his fake smile wasn't able to hide the chagrin that fluctuated deep within his pupils. "One that, honestly, I'm getting sick of hearing."
"Hmm... I didn't think that was gonna be such a touchy subject for you, Su-san..." Halibel murmured, feeling, to all appearances, sincerely guilty.
"It's not such a big deal... It's just... With everything that's happened..." He felt overwhelmed. Subaru, under other circumstances, would have been glad to be able to talk about everything that the shadow taboo prevented him from. But he had to deal with it on his own, without the support of anything but his own legs, he had to move on. To stop depending on others, to learn to fend for himself in that world, to reach his goals... He would have liked to get it off his chest, but he couldn't... That's why being asked about it affected him so much.
"I s'pose Miss Anastasia has already told ya this on more than one occasion, and that you'd still prefer to hear it comin' from her and not from me, but if you ever need to talk, to vent... ya can rely on me, Su-san."
Halibel meant well, without a doubt he was his best ally, his best card. Avoiding him had not been his best decision, but accepting his support was also not something Subaru could do in his current state of mind. Still, rejecting those words from Halibel was so counterproductive that it could only be considered a total lack of wit; after all, as much as he disliked the idea, Subaru knew that he would eventually need Halibel.
"If I ever come to be able to do so, I will, Hal-san." And with that, their conversation ended without really getting anywhere; inconclusive. The other members of the group were still minding their own business, and his constant exchange of mutterings with Halibel had apparently not attracted their attention, so Subaru was finally able to take a calming breath.
Emilia wasn't exactly behaving the very same way she had the day he met her. Subaru could tell; after all, he had been stealing glances at her throughout the entire tour around the mansion, which had led to an awkward conversation with Halibel. That fateful first day in that world, where he had come to taste the pain of dying with his insides severed, Emilia had portrayed herself as an idealistic girl, to the point of seeming even childish; always willing to help those who seemed to be in trouble, even at the cost of her own interests.
Her velvety voice, reminiscent of a fairy's chime, was capable of soothing even the soul of the most terrible of beasts. Her beautiful violet eyes, which could well be mistaken for the two most expensive amethysts in the world, conveyed a determination and courage that could only be compared to what Julius claimed to have seen in Subaru.
She could still be described with those exact same words, but Subaru felt that something had changed, something was totally and drastically different. Her beautiful eyes no longer possessed the sparkle capable of rivaling that of the stars that had captivated Subaru the day of their meeting, even a pair of dark circles could be seen under them. Her silver hair seemed to be slightly parched, as was her smooth skin.
Subaru could not claim that Emilia looked less beautiful than the day he met her, but definitely the captivating aura that surrounded her had lost some of its intensity. And her physique was not the only thing that had changed, in fact, it could be argued that it was the thing that had changed the least about her.
Her dull, monotonous tone of voice had been the first thing that made Subaru notice that something had indeed changed. And it didn't take long for Subaru to notice in Emilia's speech the clear signs of exhaustion; for him, who daily strove in vain to hide them, noticing them had not been complicated.
Emilia no longer seemed to be the same stubborn, determined girl he had known. Something had happened that had left her an empty shell of herself. Evidence of a tragedy was everywhere Subaru looked, and the more attention he paid to it, the more obvious it became that something catastrophic had happened to Emilia's camp.
Emilia's camp, because the same applied to her maid. Subaru did not remember hearing her name, possibly because she had not introduced herself to him; only to Anastasia and Julius. Contrary to what one would have expected from the employee of an important person like Emilia, the maid had refused to accompany her mistress on the tour of the mansion and had stayed in the room she had been assigned, located near Emilia's room.
Before arriving at the dining room a conversation had taken place between Emilia and Anastasia, it had went like this: "Emilia-san, won't your attendant be havin' lunch with us?" That question had given way to a tense silence that was only disturbed by a barely audible reply from Emilia. "She's very tired after the trip, it would be best to let her rest..." Had it not been for Halibel, Subaru may never have learned the content of this exchange of words. After this, a silence that still lingered enveloped the atmosphere around the group.
Subaru had never seen the nameless maid before, but he realized as quickly as he laid eyes on her that the girl had been through something dreadful. Her appearance, as beautiful as one might expect of a maid from a fantasy world, was slightly overshadowed by her expression of utter despondency and listlessness.
Her short pink hair, like her irises, contrasted with her cold and distant attitude that invited anyone who approached her to vanish from her sight. And it wasn't that Subaru had never met cold people before, it was simply that none had ever possessed such a passive-aggressive aura as she did. With her gaze she could slay you, that was the best description Subaru could assign to the maid.
Emilia and her maid undoubtedly gave off the sensation that her faction had gone through a series of devastating events; which fit with what he had learned about Emilia's benefactor's depression. The man named Roswaal had repelled the Witch Cult after overcoming his breakdown, so he had heard. But Subaru did not know the details, and the answer to Emilia and the pink-haired maid's attitude had to be found in these.
"... So, Emilia-san... What do ya make of my mansion in Lugunica, does it measure up to that of Roswaal's? The last thing I'd wish is to make ya feel uncomfortable by offerin' ya an abode of lesser standards." Suddenly, Subaru was thrown out of his train of thought by the break in the silence that, for several minutes, had been stagnant in the atmosphere of the room.
Blinking rapidly, Subaru forced himself to come out of the trance in which he had been immersed. In front of him, as it could not be otherwise, he found those eyes that had been so much a part of his thoughts. Now they were seated at the table in the main dining room. Anastasia's camp was concentrated on one side of the table and consisted of herself, Tivey, Hetaro, Ricardo, Joshua, Subaru and, lastly, Halibel.
Emilia's camp consisted of only herself, but Anastasia had insisted that it would be impolite for her to sit at the table isolated from the other diners, so she had asked Julius, who already knew all of her rivals for the throne, and Mimi who seemingly had meshed quite well with Emilia, to sit next to her. The little demi-human was on the half-Elf's right, while the knight was seated on her left. And Subaru, who was sitting to Anastasia's left, was not crossing glances directly with little Mimi, but with Emilia, who almost seemed to be sitting across from him.
Why was HE sitting next to Anastasia Hoshin? The reason was straightforward enough for even Subaru to grasp after some thought. Subaru, or rather his ideas, were currently the Hoshin Company's finest asset. He had been fulfilling Anastasia's request, so the last few days he had managed to attend the morning meetings of the Hoshin Company leaders and major stakeholders of the Reinvention Project.
While Subaru might not know much about business accounting and trading, what he had heard was enough for him to understand that the Reinvention Project was a complete commercial success for the Hoshin Company; far surpassing its predecessor, which was the trade of various goods within the Free Trade Metropolitan Area of Kyo. And the extent of the Reinvention Project's remarkable success went even further...
One might ask, how did Anastasia Hoshin, a merchant woman from Kararagi, end up becoming part of the Royal Selection, whose outcome would lead to the next inheritor to the throne of Lugunica? The answer is: because Julius Juukulius, in the middle of a meeting with several representatives of the Hoshin Company, including its owner, had decided to test the Dragon Insignia on her.
Julius considered Anastasia a woman worthy of the throne of his homeland, so he had petitioned her to be able to prove her by using the insignia that had been distributed to the knights of the Royal Guard. If the jewel in the center of the insignia glowed, it meant that the knight was before a candidate for the Royal Selection, and his highest duty would be to bring her before the Council of Sages. And so it had happened.
The purpose of the meeting between the Juukulius family and the Hoshin Trading Company? To further improve the latter's relations with the merchants of Lugunica. Anastasia had had an interest in expanding into the Lugunica market for some time now, and so she had met with one of the most important and influential families of the nobility of the Dragon Kingdom; not knowing that it would ultimately result in her candidacy in the Royal Selection.
Anastasia had now entered the Royal Selection and was vying for the throne of Lugunica, but she still hadn't quite achieved what she had traveled to the kingdom for. Or at least that had been the case until the Reinvention Project became operational. The success of the business belonging to the Hoshin Company and the Reinvention Association had achieved exactly what Anastasia had wished for, and in spades...
With admiration burning in his chest, Subaru pushed Emilia aside in his mind for a moment and took a moment to appreciate Anastasia Hoshin's cleverness. If he was by her side, it wasn't because of a simple decision of friendship or because she simply wanted to have him by her side; though perhaps it was? No, if any other factor came into play, it would be entirely secondary. A show of power, to make a statement, to put pressure on her adversary; that was what it meant.
Subaru, his ideas, the Reinvention Project, its success. Anastasia had not missed the opportunity to comment on this. Emilia was a rival, even an enemy; cordial relations between them would not change that. And Subaru, his ideas, undoubtedly represented a huge advantage for Anastasia, whose company now enjoyed great prestige among the Lugunica populace. How would Emilia respond to this?
"Ehmm… To be honest, this is only the third mansion I've visited, so I don't really have much to compare it to…" Emilia finally replied, slightly embarrassed. Of course, the girl had not even noticed the move made by her adversary. "Still, compared to Roswaal's secondary mansion, this one is muuuuch more amazing. Especially since it doesn't feel so lonesome..."
"More amazin' than the secondary mansion...? I guess I'll have to settle for that; as long as you're comfortable, I'll be more than content." Anastasia remarked, regarding Emilia's response, smiling amicably at her.
"T-Thank you. I don't know if I'm worthy of such special treatment..." Emilia concluded, bowing slightly in thanks, or was it in apology? The truth was that it was complicated to determine.
"Just in time!" Anastasia suddenly exclaimed, causing Emilia to startle slightly. In accordance with what the owner of the mansion had said, the waiters entered the dining room with a diversity of typical Kararagi dishes. "I took the liberty of askin' my cooks to prepare a variety of Kararagi's best recipes. I've heard that ya don't know much of the world due to your... circumstances, so I assumed that tastin' cuisine from a country other than Lugunica might become an enjoyable experience for ya. I hope I wasn't misguided."
Emilia, upon hearing this, looked curiously at the dish that had been placed in front of her. With her beautiful violet eyes, she scrutinized its contents, then popped a spoonful of it into her mouth. After a few seconds, her gaze lit up slightly and a small smile formed on her lips. "It's delicious, Anastasia-san! I really do appreciate the nice gesture!"
With that, the atmosphere, which until a moment ago maintained a certain tension, finally lightened, and everyone present began to enjoy the food in complete silence; all except one. Subaru had not yet begun to eat, and this was because his mind was stuck on something Emilia had said.
"Natsuki-kun...?" Anastasia called out to him, puzzled by Subaru's attitude; to which he reacted. No, Subaru hadn't reacted because of Anastasia's words, which had come too late. He would not be left with that question unanswered.
"Emilia-sama, may I ask you a single question?" Subaru then pronounced, staring at the girl.
"Umm... Natsuki-kun, right?" She asked, ceasing to eat to pay attention to him.
"You can address me as Subaru. Anastasia is the one who insists on calling me that even though we've known each other for a year now." Subaru replied, glancing sidelong at Anastasia, who smiled slyly at him.
"It's proper etiquette when it comes to addressin' business allies." She retorted, making it difficult for those present to discern whether she was joking or being serious.
"And here I thought I was your employee." Subaru remarked, smiling sincerely at her. This spontaneous little exchange caused an unexpected giggle from Emilia, which inevitably drew everyone else's attention.
"Heh, heh, heh... You guys really get along well for mistress and servant." She commented, looking at Subaru and Anastasia. A comment that added to that which had caught his attention in the first place... The way she said it, it's like she doesn't get along with her underlings, he thought. "Sure, Subaru. You can ask me anything you want."
How she put it, it was as if something terrible had forced her into those circumstances; that's why he was about to ask about it. Deep down inside he knew he ought not to, but he really needed to know what had become of Emilia after leaving her fate in someone else's hands. "Emilia-sama, you said that you had visited three mansions, and that Anastasia's mansion far surpasses the secondary mansion of your benefactor, Roswaal L. Mathers. But you didn't mention anything about his main mansion."
What kind of question was that? This was what the faces of those present conveyed. Even Anastasia seemed puzzled by what he had just inquired. Not only was it a question devoid of any apparent meaning, but it could also be considered quite intrusive. None of your business, it was the kind of answer that could be expected if that very question was to be asked to one of the smug nobles with whom Anastasia not infrequently met.
"Hmm... Well, that's true. I've indeed been living in Roswaal's main mansion for several months now; I just didn't think it necessary to bring it up... But since you ask, then I can only say that both mansions are quite similar, I wouldn't be able to claim that one is more incredible than the other." Still, Emilia had answered his question without reproaching him for this or simply showing annoyance; although, it was certainly true that at first she had appeared to feel somewhat uncomfortable. Something Subaru simply dismissed as he continued to meddle.
"Did you move out? If you guys had been living in the secondary mansion, which is strange considering we're talking about the abode of a Royal Selection candidate, why did you have to move-?"
"Su-san! Ya said just a single question." Thoughtless and oblivious to his surroundings, Subaru kept on pushing, until finally someone dared to stop him. It was Halibel, who was sitting to his left. It was then that Subaru was finally aware of how far he had gone, if the melancholy expression on Emilia's face served as proof of it; an expression that triggered another explosion of contradictory emotions that overwhelmed him.
"I'm sorry, Emilia-san. It seems my employee got carried away and-" As expected of her, Anastasia was quick to apologize for Subaru's behavior, but before she could finish doing so, as social protocol in such situations indicated, Emilia interrupted her by shaking her head.
"No need, Anastasia-san." The silver-haired half-elf stated, exerting herself to regain the composure she had lost due to Subaru's overstepping of boundaries. "To pretend it didn't happen; I feel it would be dishonoring the memories of the deceased."
Deceased? Subaru was tempted to ask; however, after what had happened, he knew it was best to remain silent. The one who spoke instead was his boss. "Are ya talkin' 'bout what happened in Irlam Village? Julius informed me 'bout it, but most of the details of what happened were omitted."
"That was probably Roswaal's doing. After all, if he had been more vigilant... No, excuse me, if we had been more vigilant, if we had been more responsible, we would have prevented that tragedy from happening." Downcast, Emilia related what transpired, slightly lowering her gaze. "An assassin... a mabeast-user girl that matches the same one that attacked Anastasia-san in Priestella, murdered with curses all the children of the village and an employee of the mansion; Ram's sister, my attendant… And I know her attitude hasn't been the proper one since we arrived at the mansion, and for that I want to apologize in her stead, but she's been through so much..."
"I... I do understand, Emilia-san." Anastasia reassured her, noticing that Emilia was once again losing her composure. "No need to apologize either, as ya can see, my employees also forget about social etiquette from time to time." She added, glancing sideways at Subaru.
"Still..." Emilia murmured, before looking up again. "It was both my and Roswaal's negligence that made us stay at the mansion. We thought... Or at least I thought that if I did, I could help Ram and the villagers... But then the Witch Cult attacked, and were it not for Roswaal finally bouncing back from the breakdown he had mysteriously fallen into, I'm sure we all would have died." Emilia paused to catch her breath and then concluded her story. "Many villagers of Irlam died, so Roswaal decided to move the survivors to the village located near his main mansion. In the move we had to leave one resident of the mansion behind, because she refused to leave it... and that still torments me." Emilia took another pause, in which she finally realized how much she had let herself be driven by her pent-up emotions. "I'm sorry, the most advisable thing would have been not to bring up that matter, but I had never had the opportunity to talk to anyone about it before and... " The girl paused again to catch her breath before finishing up. "I'm sorry for spoiling the mood."
"Once again, ya have nothin' to apologize for..." Anastasia stated, who, to Subaru's surprise, seemed somewhat empathetic for what had happened to her rival. Did what happened in Priestella have anything to do with it? Subaru had realized that this event had, without a doubt, greatly disturbed his boss... "Ya went through quite a lot, and I sense that ya're bearin' a great deal of guilt for what happened. I won't tell ya if what ya did was right or wrong, that's only up to ya yerself, I just wanna point out that the real culprits are the assassin and the Witch Cult; they are the perpetrators of the tragedies, they are the ones who should be punished..."
Silently, and still both confused and overwhelmed by his own emotions, Subaru watched the exchange of words. He no longer felt in a position to speak further, not after witnessing the consequences of his boldness. Still, Subaru couldn't get the melancholic image of Emilia out of his mind the moment she heard his question, and how confused it made him feel. He couldn't get out of his mind a couple of questions whose emotional weight was crushing his soul: Had he taken the right path? Could he have avoided that tragedy? How did he truly feel about it?