I've wanted to do something like this for a while for JC, so here you go. Thanks for sticking around for my silliness! I love you all, and I don't own anything.

Jimmy,

It's four in the morning, and I can't sleep. Have you ever noticed how eerily quiet it is at night? It's like another world. Sometimes, I'll hear the murmur of voices in the hall or laughter in the distance. But everything else is silent and still. I almost wish I could capture it and put it in a bottle for use when I'm someplace crowded.

I love Yale so far. Sometimes, I have to pinch myself to remind myself that's it's real. My roommate is a badass. She's getting a joint degree which makes her insane in the best way. I never thought I would meet someone as driven as I am. My classes are stimulating as well. I enjoy having people around me who are committed to the same things I am and challenge me. In fact, competition can be downright fierce, but you know me, competition is my lifeblood.

Speaking of classes, I have a Civil Procedure test tomorrow morning. At this point, I'll have to drink a latte with at least three shots to stay awake for it. But when I try to close my eyes, a little voice in my head reminds me of the unfinished document sitting on my phone.

So, here I am, trying in vain to write this letter again. I've rewritten and edited this thing about a dozen times. Every word seems unsatisfactory, every phrase cliche, and every metaphor overwrought. I suppose that's my perfectionism. Or perhaps, it's the nature of confessing a secret like this to someone. Because to me, it's always been there. It's as natural as breathing, but trying to explain it to you seems impossible and fruitless. It's as if I hit a wall, and someone asked me to explain why it hurt. It just does!

I'm aware that doesn't make sense, but oh well. Perhaps, there are too many things I want to say. So, I'll put down the first things that come to mind.

Things about you that drive me INSANE:

1. Your ego

2. Your hero complex

3. Your recklessness

4. Your naivete

5. Your pathetic attempts to impress Betty Quinlan

6. Your ability to push all my buttons

7. That despite all these things, I love you

Things about you I LOVE:

1. Your intelligence

2. Thoughtfulness (when you choose to use it)

3. Your bravery

4. Your laughter

5. Your love for your friends and family

6. Generosity (again when you choose to employ it)

7. Everything else

There is my confession in the form of a list that doesn't even begin to encompass my feelings. Like I'm going shopping for damn groceries instead of telling you I love you. You know, I always thought I had a gift for self-expression through words. After all, I smoked you enough times in English to be confident in my abilities. Yet, for some reason, I can't utilize them when it comes to you. So, there it is, James Issac Neutron.

Don't get me wrong. I've tried not to love you.

When I think about your laughter, I bury myself in textbooks. When I imagine your fingers brushing against mine, I do tai chi. When I daydream about the tase of your mouth, I kiss other people. I tell myself that it wasn't meant to be until it's an old and worn refrain.

But you are like are a tree inside of me. Your roots have sunk beneath the surface and twisted into my core. They keep growing and spreading. Soon, there will not be an inch of my heart that doesn't have you inside of it.

God, I want to delete this or send it to the deepest reaches of the universe. But I refuse to let it get the better of me. I want you to know I don't expect you to reply. I feel a bit better now that the truth is out there.

Please ignore the fact I quoted The X-Files.

Love,

Cindy

P.S. Wipe that stupid smirk off your face, Neutron. I'd like to see you do better.