Someone caresses my face sweetly. I smile as I slowly open my eyes and lose myself in his gaze.
—Dinner is ready. —he says to me as he holds out a hand to help me get up.
I am literally out of energy. This last round has been extremely strenuous. He had definitely shown how wild and possessive he could be. So far I have only seen a glimpse of that ferocity in our previous encounters. I sit up in bed with his help. My body hurts in some places, but I don't complain. I did not do so while he literally ripped off my clothes and much less while his strong hands pressed my body against his and possessed me in the only way I had never been taken. Beastly. Rough, wild and violent.
I must admit that Christian has changed my view of sex in many ways. From the ways one can get excited, the toys and most recently his possession. He had totally fulfilled my expectations of what sex would be like, that way, with him. I don't think I wish for slow, sensual sex ever.
As I walk from his hand into the kitchen I feel like everything hurts, mainly my thighs, where he held on tightly. But I'm not going to tell him that. Right now I'm sore, but happy as I've never been.
Later that night, we are lying in his bed, curled up naked, me on his chest while he caresses my naked back. I am exhausted and my eyes are slowly closing.
—Christian. —I I call him in a sleepy voice.
—Humm. —He murmurs against my hair.
—When I wake up in the morning, will you be by my side? —I ask him as I settle down even more against his warm, hard body.
I feel his heart racing under my hand. But I don't get an answer to my question. Or at least I don't hear the answer because I instantly fall asleep.
I wake up the next morning feeling cold next to me. I cling to my pillow and it smells delicious. But I don't know if he slept with me last night. I'm in his bed, so it's only logical that everything smells like him. I sit down and look around. There's no sign of Christian anywhere. I wake up ready to go to the bathroom. My whole body hurts. I unconsciously slide my hands down my thighs. And then I stop the movement and, moving my hands away, I stare at my thighs.
—Oh God!
I almost run to Christian's closet where there is a full—length mirror and I look at myself from head to toe. I was not expecting this. On my thighs I have some slight bruises that begin to appear with the distorted shape of his hands. But not only do I have them on my thighs, I also have one on my shoulder and another on my waist.
When did this happen that I didn't notice?
—Ana! —I feel him calling me out of the room.
Shit!
If he sees me like this, I know I'm going to be in big trouble. I think and quickly find a sleeve shirt and quickly put it on. Luckily it covers all my bruises. I come out of the closet with my best smile pretending that my whole body doesn't hurt and that I'm not full of bruises all over my body as if someone had beaten me up.
—I was looking for clothes to wear. —I answer with a smile.
He comes up to me, looks at me up and down, smiles at me before placing his hands on my waist and sticking his forehead to mine. I contain a groan, of pain, as I feel his hands just over the purple on my waist.
—How did you wake up?
—Sorrow. —I answer him sincerely.
It is the truth. His question had taken me by surprise. But he had given me the answer I was looking for when I woke up. Christian didn't sleep with me last night. If he had, he would have noticed the bruises that are beginning to appear in different areas of my body.
—Where did you sleep last night? —and without being able to avoid it the question comes from my lips.
I see him frowning at my question. He didn't expect it. But he doesn't answer me either.
—Don't think I haven't noticed that you've never slept with me. I just want to know why you don't.
Christian lets out a heavy sigh. I can see the smile disappear from his face before he separates his hands from my waist. I see him walk to the bed and sit on the edge of the bed. I watch him run his hands through his hair before looking up again.
—I don't sleep with anyone because of something that happened in my early days of BDSM.
—Do you want to talk about it?
—It's not a very pleasant subject Ana, and I don't want to bring up those memories right now. I'm afraid it might make the situation worse.
—Worse?
—After a while, I thought it was all gone. I had a life, you could say that it was normal. —he pauses. —But everything came back after the accident, although in a different way. —he says to me as I cautiously approach him and sit down next to him. —At first they were just vivid nightmares. I remembered the accident over and over again. —I see him clenching his jaws as he looks away. —As time passed, they began to get worse. You don't know what it's like to dream that you can walk and wake up realizing that you can't. The frustration you feel. I took all my friends away from me, and I ended a relationship that lasted several years. I didn't want anyone by my side.
—You still have these nightmares?
—Just before I started physical therapy, they were gone, I only had them sporadically. —he pauses and stares at me. —Until you moved into my apartment and they reappeared without me even noticing.
—And what do I have to do with your nightmares?
—I don't know. I don't understand how my brain works, Ana. But they are not the same nightmares as the accident. They are the old ghosts of the past that come back to haunt me.
—Did you hurt someone? —I ask him as he looks up at me very seriously.
—I I don't want to go into details, but I hurt her, a lot. Enough for her to get psychiatric treatment.
—What happened? —I insist.
Christian gets up and begins to walk around the room.
—Several things happened that were out of my control at the time. But the worst thing happened while I was asleep and I had one of my nightmares with her by my side. —I don't think I want to know any more. —I still don't know how she managed to get me off of her when I was choking her.
—For God's sake! —I exclaimed in horror.
—And worst of all, it didn't happen just once. It was several times. The last time, she ended up in the hospital unconscious and with bruises all over her body.
I unconsciously hugged myself.
—With bruises? —I ask quietly.
—That last time, it wasn't during a nightmare. At least not completely.
—I don't understand you.
—I let myself be carried away by the desire and passion of the moment, Ana. I lost control of the situation for a brief second, I didn't control my strength and she ended up damaged. —then he stares at me. —If I ever hurt you, promise to tell me. —he asks me with a pleading gaze as his hands reach out and take mine.
I lose myself in his gaze. I know he's going to find out sooner or later. If not in the shower, it is when he undress me to claim my body as his again.
—Christian...—I start to tell him as I let go of his hands and slowly get out of bed.
Christian stares at me. I can see the concern on his face.
—Tell me I didn't do it. Tell me I didn't hurt you, Ana. —he begs me.
—It actually looks worse than it really is, plus I don't remember you using much force.
Suddenly he gets out of bed. His calm is gone. Now he looks like a caged animal. Without wasting any time, he grabs the shirt I'm wearing and quickly pulls it off. His eyes quickly go to my shoulder. I can see his face turn to pain as he reaches out with one hand and brushes against my aching shoulder. I try not to shrink at his touch, but it's impossible. I watch as his gaze now shifts to my waist and then to my thighs.
And I watch him close his eyes in pain as he drops to his knees in front of me on the floor. He embraces me at the waist as he buries his face in my belly.
—I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Hearing him and seeing him broken like this is breaking my heart. How can a person like him be so damaged?
—Christian! I am fine.
—No! You're not, Ana. You have no idea what I could have done to you.
—But you didn't.
—Don't ask me again. —he says, rising suddenly from the floor. —I'm not going to lose control again. If you want rough sex, you'll get it, but only up to a certain limit.
And he walks away from me as he leaves the room.
And there I stand, naked in the middle of the room with hundreds of concerns and questions in my head. How could I have fallen in love with such a complicated man? How is it possible to have a relationship with a person who can barely sleep with someone at his side for fear of hurting her?
I leave the room in search of him. I don't mind being naked, but we should talk. He may have ended the conversation, but I didn't. I find him in front of the panoramic windows, with his eyes lost in Central Park.
—What kind of relationship are we going to have, Christian? —I ask him as he looks back at me through the reflection of the glass. —Because I imagine you want a normal relationship with me.
—Yes, that's what I want.
—And how do you intend to do that when you can't even sleep in the same bed as me? —I ask him, crossing my arms.
—We don't have to sleep in the same bed to have a normal relationship.
—Of course, ours will never be a normal relationship Christian.
—What do you want, Ana? —he turns quickly to me.
—That you attend therapy with me to try to solve your problems.
—It didn't help me much before. Why do you think it will now?
—That is one of the conditions for me to accept a relationship with you.
—One of the conditions? Any other condition I should know about?
—It's the one I can think of at the moment. —I walk in his direction and stop in front of him. —I want to be able to wake up next to you. —I say to him as I gently caress his face.
Christian closes his eyes at the touch of my hand, but then he opens them and stares at me.
—I will attend therapy with you, but I will only do it because what I want most is to have a relationship with you. A normal relationship.
—Thank you. I'll make an appointment first thing in the morning. —I tell him with my best smile.
Luckily, I know a psychologist. I just hope he can help him overcome his trauma. Because right now what I want most is to sleep and wake up with him by my side. I want that more than the rough, possessive sex I experienced last night.