Nervously I looked around the Headmaster's office. It was only the second time I had set foot in here, the first time being the night You-know-who had returned, the night I had decided to do everything in my power to protect Severus.

"Please, take a seat", Dumbledore said, gesturing towards the empty chair in front of his desk, while he proceeded to a bookshelf right behind it.

Nodding I did as I was told. The moment he had revealed to me that he knew how I had lost my memory, I had started to interrogate him but he had simply shaken his head and asked me to accompany him back to Hogwarts where he would explain everything. So I had followed him without any protest.

"Ah, here", the old man exclaimed and pulled out an old tome from the shelf before taking his seat across from me. His long fingers browsed through the pages before coming to a stop at the middle of the book. He studied it silently for a moment before handing it to me.

Confused I looked at the page he was showing me and gasped in surprise. There on a rough drawing was a star, the same star that sported on the back of my neck.

"It's an old protection spell", the Headmaster said, sparing me from reading the page. "Very old actually and pretty unknown and rarely used."

"What exactly does it protect?"

A deep sigh escaped his lips. "As far as the book explains, it protects the life of the one it is cast on. It will activate once and only once, when the person is about to die and protects him or her from it, leaving a mark afterwards. A mark like yours. It seems in your case it not only protected your life but also your magic. Unsurprising though, considering how strong the spell is."

"A spell that saves a person from their death…", I repeated, hoping for a moment, before realising something. "A spell with such power… it comes with a price doesn't it?"

"Yes", Dumbledore admitted sadly. "The first one you bare yourself. Memory loss. Either a complete or partial one. And the second… to be able to basically revive a person, it needs the life of another."

"So… the one who casts it…"

"Dies doing so."

Silently I stared at my former Headmaster, while my mind tried to work through what it meant for my past, for the family I was searching for, for my biological parents.

"Why would someone use that spell? Making their child an orphan without memories…"

"It was mostly used by pureblood families-"

"Don't. Please don't", I instantly stopped him, realising where this was going. "I… Thank you, Albus. At least I know now. May I borrow the book?"

"Of course. And I apologise, I didn't want to cause you any harm."

"You didn't", I replied, a fake smile on my lips. "Thank you again. I will see myself out."

And without another word, I left his office, the book pressed against my chest, while the realisations started crashing down on me.

I had always known that the search for my biological family was a futile one but a part of me had always hoped. Hoped that I would meet them one day, hoped to hear my whole story, my whole past.

The truth was much more cruel. Orphaned because of my blood, because of my last name, because my being was considered superior. A spell not to protect a beloved child but a fucking name. My biological parents didn't seem to have cared any more about me than my adoptive one's, risking my memories, my complete identity for their pureblood racism. Despite all hopes and dreams of mine, they had been exactly the same. It seems I had always been destined to uphold a name, to be nothing more than an heir, never appreciated for myself.

Swallowing hard I held back the tears. Why? Why did no one see me for myself?

"Elizabeth?", I suddenly heard my name behind me and turned around. There, on top of the stairs, stood my love.

"Severus", I greeted the dark haired man, relieved to see him. I needed someone to talk to, needed him to talk to. He would understand better than anyone what that revelation meant to me, what it meant to have such parents.

Swiftly he came down the stairs, his cloak billowing behind him, coming to a halt in front of me. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with your best friend? If you're here to convince me into forgiving you again, don't bother", he spat, the jealousy still written on his face.

Hurt I looked at him, before I felt the anger slowly enveloping me. Even now, even when the despair was written in my face he wouldn't put aside his fury, his envy and his pride? Even he, the one person I thought I mattered to most, didn't care enough about me? "Believe it or not, but my visit was about me and me alone", I hissed back, holding back the tears again, "and you don't have a right to be jealous if you don't even bother to let me explain."

Obviously surprised about my sudden outburst, the Potions Master scanned me again, paying attention to my tear-filled eyes, instantly coming closer. "Are you alright? What happened?"

"Don't bother.", I repeated his words and turned to leave.

"Wait-"

"Elizabeth, is that you?", a voice suddenly interrupted us and both of us froze instantly.

Umbridge had appeared at the top of the stairs, slowly making her way down to the two of us.

"Dolores, how good to see you", I replied, quickly putting my mask back on. I couldn't even phrase how much I despised that woman. I had had to work closely with her during the summer, considering her being Fudge's undersecretary and me officially taking over the department. She had been the one who had been assigned as my mentor and never had I met a more racist woman than her. Only Dumbledore's order to draw as little attention as possible to myself, had hold me back in telling her what exactly I thought of her views.

"What are you doing here, dear? Cornelius didn't inform me that you would be visiting."

"He hasn't send me."

"Is that so?", the woman said, her eyes narrowing. "What are you doing here then?"

"I… It has been brought to my attention that the Headmaster contacted foreign schools without consulting my department", I quickly lied. "It seems he tried to work out agreements without the ministry. I simply thought it in my duty to inform him, that we wouldn't tolerate such a behaviour and if he wishes to keep his post, he should refrain from excluding my department in international affairs."

"Oh, well said, my dear, well said. I will notify Cornelius immediately of your proactive work. He will be ecstatic", she rejoiced.

"You're too kind", I pressed between my lips, hiding my utter disgust. "I was on my way out when I ran into Professor Snape and simply had to exchanged a few words with my former Head of House. But I fear I have to return to London now."

"Of course my dear, of course. It was very good to see you."

"You too." I turned towards Severus, who seemed like he wanted to stop me but knew better to do so considering in who's presence we were. "Professor."

And without another word, I turned on my heels and continued down the stairs.

Worried I stared at the blonde woman while she walked away. Why hadn't I seen right away that she was upset? Why had I been such a jealous idiot? She had wanted my help, had needed me, I had seen it.

"Aren't you proud of your former student, Severus? She is the youngest department head we ever had", Umbridge said. "And with a little help from the right people, she could become the youngest minister."

"Yes, indeed I am. Excuse me please."

And before she could stop me, I took the way to the dungeons, still wondering what had just happened. Why was she so upset? What had occurred since I had last seen her a few hours ago? Had Black done something to her? Had Dumbledore taken her here? Assigned her a mission? Or was it something else entirely and she had come to see me, despite the risk? Because she needed me?

The last option made me feel even worse than I already did. She seldom had asked for my help and knowing that I had pushed her away when she had obviously needed it…

Quickly I made my way to my office, locking the door behind me. I wanted to speak to her, wanted to apologise, wanted to help. But I couldn't reach her, not until the next Order meeting. I couldn't send her an owl, not with that toad of a woman monitoring the mail. I could maybe go down to Hogsmeade… no, I couldn't. If there was a chance Elizabeth was monitored, mail from her former professor would raise questions. I would put her in more danger than necessary.

I couldn't even send my patronus since I didn't know where exactly she lived. I knew she had her apartment in London but I couldn't send a message without knowing where it's definite location was, without having been there. No, I would've to wait, no matter how uneasy the thought made me feel.

.

The following month seemed to be an endless one. I couldn't wait for the next meeting, the last one before the Christmas holidays. I knew that I didn't have another mean of contacting Elizabeth and still I felt like I had waited far too long to reach out.

I arrived late at Grimmauld Place, quickly making my way down to the kitchen, where everybody had already taken their seat. I replied to the half-hearted greetings from the attendees while I quickly glanced around the room, searching for the blonde woman – without luck.

Worried and disappointed I took my seat next to the Headmaster while my thoughts ran wild. Where was she? Did something happen to her? Or didn't she want to see me? Did she finally leave the Order?

"Elizabeth's report, Albus."

Black's voice ripped me out of my stream of thought while he handed Dumbledore the parchment. "She excuses herself, she couldn't stay."

So she had been here. If I only had arrived earlier… fuck. I had put all my hopes of reaching out to her on today's meeting. Maybe I should risk sending her a letter anyway. But was it worth it? Worth putting her life at risk to find out why she was upset? I knew the answer to this was no, nevertheless her tear-filled eyes haunted me.

My gaze wandered to Black who didn't seem to be listening to the meeting either. Maybe I had another possibility. He might have means to contact her. I doubted that he only spoke to her at the meetings, not after knowing how close they had gotten. Asking Black came with another risk entirely though. It meant exposing a weakness towards my nemesis, exposing that she was more to me than just a former student, a fellow order member. It would open me up to ridicule – but I couldn't care less. Not if it meant I could help her.

So I took my time when the meeting came to an end, waited until everybody had left the kitchen, searching for the right way to ask, for a way to disclose as little as possible doing so.

"What are you still skulking around here, Snape?"

I had to bite my tongue instantly to not answer with a snarky remark as I faced the former convict who was standing at the other end of the table. I needed to have answers first.

"I needed to ask you something", I replied, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible. "Eli-… Miss Brighton was here today?"

Surprised my former classmate looked at me. "She was."

"She couldn't stay?"

"Obviously."

"Will she come by anytime soon?"

A sneer appeared on his face. "Maybe."

Bastard.

"I had an urgent matter to discuss with her-"

"Oh, I bet you do, Snivellus", Black interrupted me and I had to suppress a growl, "I saw the way you look at her. Pathetic really. You have about as much chances with her as you had with Lily."

It cost every fibre of my being to keep a straight face while pure rage filled me.

"I have no idea what you're talking about", I pressed between my lips, resisting the growing urge to tell him that she had been mine and still could be, that she loved me. "It is urgent, Black, so if you have means to contact her…"

"I do – but I won't", he replied and came closer. "I won't help you harass her."

I growled lowly. It was no use. He wouldn't help me. I would've to find another way.

"Forget that I asked."

I was halfway out when Black spoke again.

"She will be here for our New Year's Eve party." I stopped in my tracks. I knew the Order was preparing a party for the end of the year, a simple get-together to celebrate. Dumbledore thought it was important to have joyful memories during the dark times. I had dismissed it as soon as I had heard about it.

"Why don't you come as well? I would love to see you getting turned down for myself."

That fucking bastard.

"I will be there", I hissed and turned around again. "Until then enjoy being useless while we others risk our lives, Black."

I didn't wait for his answer, leaving the house with big strides.