1. You Always Want What You're Running From
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of its characters. I also do not own any game characters or lyrics that I may also put in here. Thank you.
Chapter Forty: You Always Want What You're Running From
The familiar dark baritone sent my heart racing and I lifted my eyes up slowly to regard the demon beneath my lashes. Hiei stood out in the dim light of the club with his long-sleeved, white shirt and dark blue jeans. But really, in my world, he stood out in anything. The
lights from across the room that kept reflecting over to us made his skin look enticing,
especially the expanse of flesh visible from the three buttons of his shirt that were left unbuttoned. But when I reached his eyes, just briefly meeting his darkened gaze, I was
reminded of everything that happened.
And that choked feeling came back, as I returned to staring down at the table. I swallowed. It hurt. The lump, that almost voiced sob, went rolling back down into my lungs. Quietly, I cleared my throat and sipped at my drink.
"Karen, who is this," questioned Lee with a hint of a slur.
I didn't bother answering him. My neck was tingling. I wanted to tear my hair down and shield my skin from the intensity of his eyes.
Yusuke should have picked me up. Someone else should have picked me up. The dam I had tried to build was incomplete and the water was pressing against the weakened structure. I could feel my eyes burning again, but I concentrated on keeping my blinks slow and steady. _Come on, Karen,_ I cheered pitifully. _Just relax, ignore him, don't meet his eyes, and you can get through this maturely._
The chair on my other side was pulled out and the legs dragged loudly along the floor. His
warmth wrapped around me and I hadn't realized how cold I had felt today, as my body absorbed the soothing fire. In my peripheral vision, I could see him turn toward me. Hiei was sitting closer than necessary, enough that I could smell his soap and his natural spicy scent – that utter maleness. Rather easily, he pulled my chair toward him with his boot and I turned my
head to stare at the last bit of my bubbly champagne. A large, rough hand touched the back of my knee and I inhaled shakily. He was holding me, as one would hold someone's hand across the table.
"Karen?" asked Lee.
I was hardly aware of Lee. I had hardly been aware of Lee since he sat beside me and started talking about whatever it was he did for a living. He might as well have been that ant upon a table that no one noticed. Even now, I couldn't remember what his last name had been and he
had told me only an hour or so ago.
Despite my inner rule to avoid looking at Hiei, I turned my head slightly. I was reminded of the time when we first ate dinner together and I tried to glance over at him discreetly. He had been glaring right back with blazing red eyes and I remembered how I kept scratching at my face like a drug addict. They were still blazing, but they were dark and intense – it
wasn't a glare. The red irises were smoldering within the darkened club. His eyes were flames flickering in a murky cave, a cold, winter storm, or a gloomy night in the forest. I would
have thought he'd be glaring at Lee, but he was solely focused on me, as if Lee's presence wasn't worth acknowledging.
"Look, man, I was here first and she's tired, so –"
"I advise you to leave," demanded Hiei icily, "_now_."
Even though Hiei was looking at me, he was speaking to Lee. "Karen, babe, let's get out of here –"
All I did was blink. I didn't even see Hiei move, but the tiny lamp blurred across the table and smashed against Lee's face as he had been leaning toward me. The bulb didn't shatter
(surprisingly), but the base knocked rather harshly against Lee's face – enough that he
clutched at his nose. I was surprised the table cloth remained intact. The white sheet hadn't even fluttered one bit and the lamp remained before Lee's face, steady as ever.
"Argghhh – What happened," Lee checked under the table. When he couldn't find any cause for
the lamp's rash movement, he stood to his feet. "Wait, don't look at me!" He turned away when I glanced up at him. "I'll be back!"
I watched as he hurried away.
Then, I really didn't know what to do except stare across the room to observe the people dancing wildly to the music. The music was loud enough that it reached us all across the
room, but only as soft background noise. The songs were exuberant and wild, remixes to keep the people dancing. I tried to get lost in watching the couples dance, like with Lee, but it was hard to concentrate when a hand was resting casually behind your knee. It was hard to
ignore Hiei for any reason.
"Why are you here," I asked quietly after several minutes.
"If you had answered your phone you would have known I was picking you up. I suppose you wanted me to keep listening to that ridiculous voice mail?"
I was surprised he had said so much, but I didn't trust myself to look at him and make sure he was the silent demon I had always known. His voice was the same husk with that smooth,
dark quality to it, but it wasn't rough. He was just talking to me.
After all the arguments I went through inside my head, my own disappointments, my confusion, I was still hurt and angry by what had happened – how he had acted. My vision was blurring, but I'm a professional at forcing away my tears. I've done it for a long time. I inhaled. I focused on that breath of air and my eyes cleared with it, as if my own breath was a breeze
that swept over my eyes. We were in public and it wouldn't do to make a scene, to fall a part in front of strangers and his arrogance.
Today had been exhausting and I couldn't face any more drama, not today, or maybe several. I just wanted to ignore it, maybe even him, until I could handle it all. I especially didn't want to be alone with him- not yet, anyways. Surely, my weak dam would break. My emotions
would roar through the sky. My tears would drown the city because there were still plenty, sitting right there behind my eyes. I did not want to face that outcome.
For now, I needed to stall; to pull myself together, while we were in public. So, I'll
feigned ignorance and try to concentrate on the present – right here – in this club where Hiei was holding my knee and I was sagging with the fatigue of my busy day.
The keyword was try…
Lifting my glass, I sipped at the last of my drink. If he questioned the champagne I was finishing, he didn't acknowledge it in any way. And maybe he didn't care. I think with
everything that happened I was entitled to drink. I can make a few of my own decisions and hopefully this bubbly liquid will help keep me from doing something stupid – like start
crying until my nose was red and stuffy. Or heaven forbid, have that horrible moment where one nostril is clogged and the other runny.
But, then it was gone.
My glass was empty.
There was something about a beverage, any kind, which always lightened an awkward moment. If one is close to tears, didn't know what to do, say, how to act, one can always sip from their drink. It didn't even have to be alcohol. It could be a can of pop, water, or a juice box.
Now I had nothing to do but sit there, in this silence between us, with music echoing in the background, and my hands sitting in my lap.
"Mrs. Yukimura said you guys needed to eat! She said 'Karen, remember my lecture over eating? Three meals a day and snacks in between!'" piped a feminine voice.
I glanced up at the cheery voice and met the young woman's beaming smile. Forcing a smile, I answered her politely, "oh, well, I was about to –"
"No need!" She chirped. "She sent me here with everything. Mrs. Yukimura says she knows just what you guys like and to eat it all!"
She appeared giddy for someone working. Her ponytail swished around with her movements as she set the table and placed two plates down. The position of the lamp must have bothered her
because she frowned and set it back in the middle. She nodded to herself and left us with our dinner. The smell of the food made my stomach rumble. All the work and cooking I did made me realize just how hungry I was that I felt almost weak watching the steam waft from my plate. And food was a great distraction.
"Do you want another one," Hiei murmured in my ear, as I had been staring at my empty glass.
His low voice was seductive, a husky growl that fanned against my cheek. But I wasn't caving in to such a response. There was still that need to be standoffish with him.
I peeked over at him and he was leaning back in his seat with a smirk. Even if he had a
smudge of shadows beneath his eyes and they were a tad blood shot, he appeared relaxed. He had that haziness in his eyes, an ever-present cloud these days, and appeared worn, but he was still extremely handsome, sexy, hot – just all sorts of things that shouldn't be legal.
It wasn't fair for him to be so attractive. It didn't even matter what time of day it was, he
just always looked handsome. Right now, I felt ragged and weighed down by my hair, skin, and clothes. I felt like my lower eyelids were sagging from lack of sleep. I couldn't remember
when I slept for more than three or four hours, save for that night between us. My skin felt clammy. I probably smelled like grease and various foods from standing at the buffet table.
And my hair – it felt lank and sweaty. I bet if I unwound my hair it would just be lying flat against my head in greasy strands from all the steam that caused me to perspire while working the line.
Feeling dirty and irritated, I tore my eyes away from him without giving an answer. He had
been smirking while he waited for my response. I arranged my face into a neutral expression.
Hiei did get me another glass and himself a beer, which he did in a bored tone to one of the passing, hired waiters. I thought I heard him chuckle, as I lifted my glass to my lips.
Obviously, he found something amusing, but I kept my eyes trained on everything else but him.
He finally removed his hand from my knee to turn his attention to his meal and I took that
opportunity to turn my chair away to eat more properly. I scooted my chair, but Hiei quickly pulled me back with his boot and kept my chair locked in place. Refusing to give an indignant huff or wrinkle my nose in preparation for a retort, I simply turned in my seat and leaned
forward to eat.
It had been a long time since I shared a meal with Hiei. The last time we ate together was
over three months ago. Maybe another time, I would have been self-conscious. Did I hunch over too much? Did I make too much of a mess on my plate, pile too much food together, or look
absolutely horrifying now that I ate more because of my changing metabolism after my abrupt training sessions? Yet, now, I didn't care. I just wanted to shove everything down into my stomach and have it fill the gnawing emptiness.
"Your work, then," he said after a moment.
Automatically, I knew he was referring to the stir-fry amongst the other food. It was my own, measly creation among the Yukimuras more talented, savory foods. "Mei's work," I corrected
quietly around the rim of my glass.
"Hard rice, tough meat, and a handful of vegetables," he poked around his plate, "is not Mei's work."
He's lying! It wasn't overcooked! I cooked everything to perfection and seasoned it
correctly. I did everything as the recipe called for and even added celery. Yes, that's right
– because it does add nice coloring and a unique texture!
Jerkily, I picked up a mouthful and chewed thoughtfully. There was nothing wrong with it. I glanced over at him and Hiei's face was devoid of emotion. He ignored my obvious glare and I returned to my meal, eating with a tight jaw.
"But you didn't even make it right." My fingers tensed around my chopsticks as he spoke in casual manner. "You forgot that unsuitable and bitter oddity you tried to pass as celery."
"Well, as you can see," I answered moodily, "I did add celery." Narrowing my eyes down at my food, I said, "if it's not to your liking, then don't eat it. I was never meant to cook a
five star meal and I didn't cook this for you anyways. Don't pity me by stomaching it." "Are you done?"
I shot him look and stiffened. He had some sauce on his thumb and very leisurely stuck the digit in his mouth to clean away the sauce in such a way that a shiver went up my spine.
Dark, red eyes met mine in a heated gaze, as he scraped his thumb along his upper teeth.
Finished, he dropped his hand to pick up his chopsticks, as if he didn't just do something… so very, very _sexy_. "My preferences are obvious, if I keep eating it, little fool."
I don't know why he was bringing all that up. He knew I hated it when he gloated about that burnt stir-fry I served him when I was trying hard to provide us with edible meals while on the run. Fuming silently, I nibbled on a piece of meat – a piece of meat that was not tough!
"Back," announced a light, male voice. I almost forgot who he was, but after a few blinks, I
remembered his name. Lee's nose was red, but he seemed in good spirits again. "Don't worry, I'm okay," he glanced down at my meal and over at Hiei. "Oh, you're eating?" Lee resumed his seat and narrowed his eyes at Hiei. "Why's he still here?"
And again, the lamp blurred across the table and bumped against Lee's face. He gave a howl
and clamped his hands over his nose. Hiei was indifferent to Lee's pain and had his head bent to continue eating, as if the lamp hadn't just shot across the table. Lee slapped a hand
against his knee as he tried to keep from cursing.
"Okay, I think I keep tugging the wire beneath the table." Lee checked under the table and shook his head. "I have to go. I'd kiss your hand, but I'm unsuitable right now." Lee bowed
and strode away with his head held high to keep his bloody nose from dripping onto his dress shirt. "I'll call you," he yelled with a cheeky grin over his shoulder. I thought I saw some blood swing around him with the way he whipped his head around to give that grin.
"You gave him your number," asked Hiei darkly.
No, I didn't give him anything aside from my name. However, I simply pretended not to hear the soft growl in Hiei's voice. I was still annoyed that he made fun of the dish I had
provided for the reception. I was still angry at everything that had happened. I was still embarrassed, hurt, and guilty – which was all confusing. So I ignored him. It's better that way right now.
I expected Hiei to make a snide remark or do something dangerous. Yet, he surprised me by
leaning in close to whisper in my ear, "are you trying to play hard to get with me, Karen?" I stiffened. Hiei must have heard Lee's words from earlier just before he announced himself.
I really didn't understand his behavior. He was still quiet and appeared bored, but he was
more involved with me. I looked around at the crowded club. Hiei was even acting this way in public. But I didn't answer. I merely leaned away. I didn't miss how his red eyes were
glittering in amusement as he settled back in his chair to finish his beer.
When we finished, I contented myself with running my finger along the rim of my glass. My hunger was sated and now I felt sleepy. I sipped from my glass lazily. I had been slowly
draining my drink throughout dinner. With my exhausted mind, weary bones, and full stomach, the two glasses made me feel drowsy, almost dizzy-like. I don't think drinking any amount of liquid after experiencing so much stress was healthy or responsible.
His hand was on my knee again, but this time he smoothed it up so that his fingers were splayed along my thigh, just under my dress. "You do realize we still have things to
discuss."
I should have brushed off his hand, but his thumb was moving in a slow circle. It felt
wonderful. I waited for him to say more, but he was silent. The sensation of his hand made my eyes fluttered close. I was getting extremely sleepy. My chin dipped toward my chest and the darkness behind my eyelids was relaxing. The music was a lullaby…
Images of Spirit World appeared inside my head and I was watching ferry girls soaring through the fluffy, pink clouds with mega-watt smiles. Jorge and I were having tea. Koenma was
serving us food and his pacifier dropped into my cup where it bobbed up and down – and turned into Yusuke's face!
I snapped awake. I must have been so exhausted that I dozed off in my chair. The weird dream faded with Yusuke's booming laughter and I tried to remember what exactly I had been dreaming about in my catnap. Briefly, I remembered Hiei had said something, which was why I had
awakened.
Drowsily, I glanced over at him, "what?" His expression was unreadable, but his touch was still light along my skin.
"I said, it's time to leave, you little fool. Any longer and your snores will be louder than what you humans call music."
I don't snore! Kenji had honestly answered me when I asked if I snored during all the times we had sleepovers. Kenji snored rather loudly that it rivaled Yusuke's herd of beavers, as
they sawed logs. I don't know what Hiei's problem is with all his mockery. That's all he's been doing tonight. He was deliberately making fun of me, as if he were trying to entice me
into an argument. I wasn't caving. I hated arguing and didn't need any more moody feelings! I was barely holding up!
Turning away, I smashed my crossword book into my purse and stood up with a glare. He
followed behind me and I'm sure if I glanced over my shoulder, there would be a cruel smirk upon his good-looking face.
Despite my bristling anger, I stopped to say goodbye to the Yukimuras. Mrs. Yukimura had a knowing smile on her face when she saw Hiei and I knew she wanted to ask questions, but
refrained. I had never told her about Hiei, only Atsuko. Obviously, they knew Hiei, as he had worked closely with Yusuke. Still, Mr. Yukimura regarded Hiei as if he was a stranger and he most likely was to the couple. I saw Mr. Yukimura glaring at Hiei and when he shook his hand, the older man's muscles flexed. Hiei didn't appear bothered by the manly handshake. I gave
the two hugs, received a wet kiss from Mrs. Yukimura, and bruised ribs from Mr. Yukimura, before heading to the exit with a promise to visit in a few days.
We had to walk around the dance floor, but there was such a large crowd that they were
milling outside the roped off area to dance. The strobe lights were making me dizzy. I never liked strobe lights. They hurt my head and given how tired I was, I had to strain my eyes to maneuver through everyone. I almost stumbled over a stray glass (who put that on the floor!), but saw it and stepped over it awkwardly. Hiei's arm went around my waist and irked, I tried to roll away from his hold.
There was the hint of teasing in Hiei's voice when he leaned down to whisper in my ear. Given the loud, booming music, his mouth was practically against my ear. "If you don't want to trip in that tiny dress, I suggest you stop struggling."
I think the alcohol went to my head. I had so few, but I had been very tired. None of this really made sense, but I didn't fight his hold and he guided me to the exit. I didn't even pull away as he led me to the car and he kept his arm firmly in place.
Seated in the car, I took a few minutes to inspect the interior. I hadn't had a chance to see inside the new vehicle. Everything was clean – no speck of dust, but that was to be expected considering the vehicle was a recent purchase. I glanced at the center of the dash panel and stared at the head unit. The radio screen and everything around it glowed red in the gloom of the car. There was small-benched seat behind us that was meant to hold items or squeeze an
extra two people inside the two-door car. Settling in my seat, I turned my head to stare out the window.
We were twenty minutes into the ride when I noticed he didn't take the freeway leading toward Hakone. We were in the middle of Tokyo, but I couldn't remember what district. Then, I saw
him turn on his blinker near a hotel. "What are you doing," I asked.
"Driving."
"But why are you pulling in to a hotel?" "I think it's obvious."
And the dam broke.
I was going to be alone with him.
I wasn't ready to face him so soon.
A tear slid down my cheek and feeling the sob come roaring up, I pushed open my door before
he completely parked the car. My seatbelt flew off like a whip. My heart beat quickened and I felt the sudden need to run – to get away. I hadn't felt the need to run in such a long time, but the feeling was familiar… the adrenaline that surged, as if it knew I needed to be alone.
There was a reason why I bolted away from that orphanage so quickly – why I had already knew
what to pack, why I kept my money on me at all times, and why my legs knew which alleys to
take at such a late night to avoid any scuffles with nearby childish gangs. There was another reason why I had never been officially adopted, or why I had been so adamant about not
running away when those guards came after me in Tokyo, as it had been a reminder of my cowardly ways.
I knew how to run. I knew many of those alleys in New York like the back of my hand. I may not know how to read maps, but I remembered my markers easily enough, such as those
particular clothes on the hanging line, several smoke shops, and the old lady that swept her doorstep every evening. I knew where to go, to hide, to avoid being found – but the alleys
here had been different. This country had been different, strange, and unknown. I hadn't
known where to turn. I had barely been able to navigate with all the broken English. I had been caught. Even if I had known this country, Hiei would have caught me anyway.
I stopped running away when I was thirteen. The only times I ran away now was because Maria had told me to and because I had thought Kurama and Hiei had kidnapped me for dangerous
reasons. I grew out of that stage. I left it behind me like an empty popcorn bag in a theater room. It had bothered me when Hiei said all I had been doing was just running and lying. I
had turned away before he could see the flash of memories in my eyes as I remembered hearing the caseworker relate to Jesse about needing to teach me the wrongs of running.
"_You'll never get anywhere if you keep running," the snobby woman said. "Parents don't want a girl with a background for running."_
For me, running was an easy solution.
And they kept saying, behind my back, when I wasn't looking – once a runner, always a runner.
_"Don't do this," he pleaded, "don't run."_
I refused to listen to Jesse's words. I refused them that night, too. I didn't stay long
enough to hear him say 'again'. Karen's cheery and bright for sure, but when that foster home can't keep another kid, out goes the small, sick looking child. So I ran away, unable to face that I was unwanted. It was just one time. I just ran one time but they wouldn't ever forget, would they? Every home afterward, the few that took me in, found out eventually and back I
went to the orphanage. I didn't have a bad childhood, but I wished I never ran away, because when they expect you to run, you just run. I ran when I was overwhelmed. I ran when I was
unwanted. I ran when I didn't know what else do when a situation became too great. Why was I running now – because I didn't want to fall apart in front of him.
I just needed a few more days. Why couldn't karma have just given me a few more days? Jesse always said that one shouldn't be alone when they cried. He only said that because I would
run away whenever I felt the need to cry. He only said that because I climbed up in that tree in the backyard to keep him from seeing that it hurt my feelings when that caseworker said it was my fault that I wasn't getting a family. _Be the perfect child, Karen,_ she said. _Be
perfect and you'll find a home._
I hadn't thought about my past in a long time, not since Hiei arrived back and all the fights began between us. I think it was hitting me hard because I had lived with Hiei the longest
than with any other home outside the orphanage. I may have lived with Yusuke and Keiko, but Hiei had been a big part of my life since coming here.
I didn't want to lose him.
"_My little fool doesn't cry now, does she?"_ I loved him. Above all else, I did.
And I was crying. I'm crying!
Breakdowns happened out of nowhere, something I found out when I took a bite of that pizza
and burst into tears. I couldn't explain to Kenji that I was stressed, that I didn't know why I was crying so hard. I never cried like that in front of someone. That day, I panicked at
the sound of my sobs and forced myself to quit. I wouldn't allow such a fall to finish. My
hands wouldn't stop shaking for a long time that day and Kenji kept asking if I was okay. Karen, just keep crying. Let it all out.
But I ignored him.
And maybe I suppressed my emotions for too long. I didn't cry properly over Jesse's drunken
behavior, Maria's scream, being thrown into all this chaos, and falling in love with a demon.
I just did a few sniffles with Lena and that time Keiko held me. I just did a few hollow
cries in the bathroom or in my own darkened room. I was my own sole witness to my tears. It had been that way for a long time.
I knew this was going to happen if I saw Hiei. The bubbly champagne had just been that corked plug in my boat, but now it was gone, and I was sinking into the lake.
If I could just get away for a little while, just until this passes, then I'll be awkward and cheery again. This will pass. It would. Just a few days – one – a couple of hours –
It was cooler now, as the sun was setting, but I wasted little time on noticing the
atmosphere. I ran across the parking lot. The street lamps were flickering to life with every click of my heels. I crossed the road cutting the lots and headlights to my right bloomed to life. I turned and my eyes widened at the approaching car –
Strong arms wrapped around me and whipped me away, not in blur, but quickly enough to allow
the car to pass with an angry honk. I hung there limply in Hiei's arms, my back to his chest, and covered my face with my hands.
"_What the hell do you think you're doing?" _he demanded furiously. I was whirled around, but I kept my face covered. His hands wrapped around my upper arms tightly and gave a harsh
shake. "Are you that foolish to go running into the damn street? Do you have any idea what you do to me when you act so careless, you stupid woman!"
"G-go away," I shrugged away from him, but shaking off his hands was like pulling chains from a wall.
My sobs pierced through the dim noise of Tokyo around us and he dropped his hands. My cries were ripping with such force that my body was shaking. All I could do was hide my face.
Another time and I might have said they were just intense hiccups. He didn't say anything and I turned away, dragging my sobs with me.
After a full minute, where I wandered somewhere past the car, unsure of really where I was
going now that I was crying, I started sprinting again. Before I could make it several feet, I was hauled back against him and I twisted about within his arms to dislodge these manacles. I was growing angry. I just wanted to get away for a few hours. I just wanted to run.
"Stop it!"
"Quit running away from me," Hiei reprimanded, as he dragged me off to the hotel entrance. "Let me go!" I clawed at his arms. "I want to be left alone! Why won't you just leave me
alone when I want to be left alone! You're not supposed to see me like this!"
He didn't brush off my attacks. He just kept carrying me, lifting me high enough that I
couldn't dig my heels into the concrete. "You've been running away from me since I came back! I left you alone long enough, so just shut up –"
I tried to jerk my elbow into his stomach, but he seemed attuned to my body, as if he could read me, because he shifted his hold quickly to trap my arms. Furious, my heart and head
pounding harshly, I whipped my head back and felt the back of my skull knock against him.
There was a loud, enraged grunt and his arms let up enough that I went zooming forward while massaging the back of my head.
"Shit," he cursed behind me, "how can your little head be that hard!"
There wasn't anyone in the hotel lobby when Hiei finally caught me and dragged me inside. If the desk clerk was in a nearby room and heard our struggles, I doubt he'd want to come
investigate. The elevator went up a few floors. I was jerking away from the hand wrapped around my arm when he marched us down the abandoned hallway. He dug a keycard from his
pocket, jammed it in the door, and kicked open the door. Once inside, I tore away from him and ran into the bathroom.
My hands were shaking. My entire body was shaking. It felt like I was losing control, like
some unknown being entered my body and was acting through me. Adrenaline was high and soaring through my blood and I just wanted to stop shaking, to leave, or do something to get rid of
this feeling – everything – all the emotions that wouldn't stop attacking my head. I had
never felt like this before in my life, because I had always been able to run. I needed to
run! I didn't know what to do! I didn't know how to stop from shaking! I just wanted to stop shaking!
The door opened behind me and I spun around to push it close.
"Karen, open the door." Hiei ordered tensely from the other side.
Ignoring him, I tried breathing deeply, but all I did was hiccup because of my sobs. I stared in the mirror and saw my pale face, red-rimmed eyes, and the tears streaking down my cheeks. Hiccuping, I reached up and jerked out the bobby pins from my hair. I needed to calm down. I just have to try and calm down.
"Open the door!"
"Please, just go away!" I yelled back. Washing my face with cold water, I tried to lower my temperature. I felt hot. My face was flushed. "I need to be alone right now!"
There was a growl and the door opened again. I hurried to push it back and it slammed shut.
When it flung open again, I grabbed the tiny bottles sitting along the sink and threw them at him. He didn't even bother dodging my makeshift weapons. The bottles thudded against his
chest, but they were just tiny birds colliding into a concrete wall.
When I had nothing left, I shoved against his chest, "get out of my bathroom!"
Surprisingly, I managed to shove him away and slam the door shut. Locking the door, I turned back to washing my hands and face.
"Get out here and talk to me!"
"I don't want to talk to you anymore. You never listen to me anyways." I scrubbed at my hands and wished the cold water would freeze away the shivers. Even if I said I didn't want to talk to him, I was shrieking, "Why didn't you just let me run? I told you to just go away and
leave me alone! I can handle this myself, so just go away!" "Running doesn't solve anything –"
"Shut up!" For some reason, I was trying to gather up all the bobby pins and stack them
neatly to the side of the sink. They just kept falling over the edge. "Just leave me alone," I moaned miserably. "Go on. Go away. I'll b-be fine."
"None of your words matter, if you won't look me in the eye and say it! Is this what you are now, a coward –"
I threw the hand towel at the door and it smacked loudly. "Of course I am a coward and weak and pathetic and a girl – a girl that didn't learn to open her goddamn legs! Isn't that what you said? Isn't that everything you've ever called me?"
"I'm only going to ask you one last time," he voiced darkly, "to open this door."
"But it doesn't matter." I wiped at my eyes. "You don't have to settle for me anymore. I'm not going to burden you anymore so just leave. I don't need you. I can take of myself. I've been doing it f-for years now! You can quit going to those meetings and just go back to the
way things were – find some pretty demon woman who won't disappoint you! The bond's stretched enough that you can leave!" There was a muffled curse and I sniffed. "If you don't leave,
then I will! I swear I will!"
My words echoed in the bathroom and I hiccuped with it. I tried to listen, but it was hard to hear anything over my stuttering sobs. But it was silent on his end –
The door went flying open and I gave a startled scream. Although his eyes were narrowed
dangerously and the irises dark – a warning glare – I still reached for the handful of towels next to the sink. I threw them at him, but he reached for me anyways. I twisted and turned
within his arms, as he hauled me up against him. I put up enough of a struggle that we were stumbling out of the bathroom. I almost tripped over a shampoo bottle.
I don't think he was expecting me to push my arms outward to throw off the arms wrapped around me, as it was a simple maneuver out of a pin that Genkai had taught me. His eyes
narrowed at my actions and I straightened my dress in as calm a manner as I could manage.
"I'm leaving!" I declared shakily. I meant to say I'm running, but that word was taboo. I didn't like hearing it anymore. "I need to be alone, so don't follow me! I mean it!"
But my shakiness and heavy, rash, out of control mind wouldn't let me focus on Genkai's training. When he reached for me, I just swiped at his hand. He wouldn't listen to me.
Growling, he picked me up. I was beating on his back with my fists until he threw me on the bed. I bounced against the mattress a few times and gritted my teeth in annoyance.
"I hate it when you throw me around!" I screamed at him when I sat up.
He didn't seem phased in the slightest. He actually appeared slightly amused. The feral rage at my behavior that I thought would be in his eyes was only a simmer. It didn't matter. I
wanted to deal some damage, stop shaking, and leave.
I gave an annoyed growl and reached for the many pillows on the bed. Grabbing them, I began hurling them at him. Unlike the other times where I usually missed, this time, my aim was
spot on and each pillow smacked against his face. I thought I heard him say 'why are you
always throwing pillows at me' but his voice was muffled in the chaos. Amidst the pillows, I took off one of my heels and threw that at him, too. He grunted loudly when it knocked
against his forehead with a solid 'thunk'.
"Dammit, Karen," he seethed as he kneaded his temple.
I threw my other shoe for good measure, but he swatted it away. It was with my last pillow that I noticed he was shirtless. He was undoing his pants when he approached the bed and I surged to my knees. Cursing, I brandished that pillow as if it were a light saber. He was
both trying to take his pants off and block my attacks, but he managed to slip off his jeans. I didn't even pause at the fact that he was wearing underwear. I just beat him with that one pillow.
"You bastard," I growled. I was now resorting to curses. "Y-you – DICK! Why won't you let me go! Why won't you listen to me!"
Giving one last hit, I dropped the pillow and turned to roll off the bed. Hiei flipped me onto my back. Before he could loom over me, I aimed a hasty punch, several slaps, another punch, and he had the audacity to laugh.
"A punch or a slap, little fool," Hiei stated above me with a smirk, "make up your mind."
I hesitated, a fraction of a second, just before my hands went flying up to his face. My
palms smashed against his jaw and cheek, as if I couldn't decide on making a fist for a punch or go in for a clawed slap. I didn't know why he wasn't doing anything now to avoid my
assaults. Hiei simply swooped in now and again to press a kiss to my cheek, which infuriated me more.
It went on and on until I had all but rolled over to try and crawl away. He pressed his
weight against me and pinned me there until I was resting on my stomach. Large hands splayed over my own on either side of my head and I couldn't move. He was too heavy. I was too tired.
My body stopped shaking and in its place was extreme numbness. The adrenaline died away and my heartbeat was slowing down with my last sobs. With my cheek pressed to the cool sheets, I stared at his bandaged hand through burning eyes, as it trapped my own into the mattress.
Exhausted, I closed my eyes to the heated lips gliding across my cheek to brush away my
tears. I heard a zipper being undone. Cool air splashed across my back as the fabric of my dress split at the back. He was pressing open-mouthed kisses down my spine and toward my
lower back before rolling me over. Opening my eyes, I watched as he lifted me to slip the
dress from my shoulders and then he did the same to my hips to remove the rest of the dress.
His hands went to my sides and his thumbs settled at my front, where my rib cage curved inward. Those burning hands smoothed down and seemed to cover every inch of my sides and stomach.
"Look at your body," Hiei whispered as he bent his head to kiss my stomach. A sobbed moan left my lips when his tongue dipped into my navel.
Hiei stopped after a few more kisses and nips. He climbed off of me and took my dress with him. I didn't have enough strength to turn my head to see what he was doing or even enough energy to cover my nearly naked body. The lights went off to douse the room and it was a
relief to my sore eyes. When he came back, he was slipping something over my head and pulling my arms through long sleeves.
I was starting to fall asleep as Hiei pressed his lips to my face again. Heated lips went to my swollen eyelids and I hiccuped at the feeling of the soothing fire.
This is a dream. It really must be a dream. At one point, I thought I heard him whisper
'little sweetheart' into my ear. His dark, husky voice made it sound so pretty and sensual,
but it didn't make sense in my fatigued mind. Even so, my heart fluttered at it – soared high up in the endless sky of my mind. I wished it could stay there… among the pink clouds of my
dreary mind.
"Go to sleep," whispered a voice. "Okay."
…
…
…
I was warm when I awakened after what seemed like several nights' of sleep. The room was faintly lit and I shifted a tad to stare at the red glow from behind the heavy curtains. Blinking drowsily, I stared at the nearest wall and waited for my mind to snap out of its drunken sleep.
When I was fully awake, I noticed the muscular arm wrapped around my waist, the long legs tangled within mine, the heaviness of a large body pressed fully against my back. I was
completely surrounded by warmth and strength. It felt like nothing could hurt me – nothing could penetrate through this cage of sunlight.
Memories of last night flashed through my head. The need to flee, that choked feeling, was gone and in its place was embarrassment at my actions. Maybe I could place the blame on the champagne (it was really bubbly), as to admit that I had a break down sounded childish. I
didn't want to have to answer why exactly I ran or why I lashed out like a caged animal. It just happened because of all the stress. The tears just kept pouring because of everything. The fighting was my attempt to try and flee. The running was my past coming to check on me, tap my shoulder, and be that reminder of some of the insecurities I had when I was younger.
My past was not dark. It was good – great, even. It just had a few problems in it. I had my secrets like anyone else and hiding them allowed everyone to see the person I always was…
just me. I wished the potential parents then could have seen that side of me instead of my records. But, I had my family now and a large group of friends. I should never forget that.
Still, the past came swooping in like that bird-like, caseworker woman used to whenever I
would come slouching back to the orphanage on my own after a few hours. I was expecting her to come bursting through the door, shake her finger at me, and say 'what did I tell you. Now I have to report this again, Karen'. I don't know why she harped on me so much. It's not as
if I did drugs or stole things like Billy did – my offense was actually rather meager.
For an orphan, I think I did all right with myself. I went to school every day. I never did drugs. I never drank. I picked up trash if I saw it lying a few feet from a trashcan. I
helped chased a businessman's papers that went flying from his briefcase. I liked to eat popsicles with any of the new lonely kids that arrived. I did my share of work without
complaints. I happily helped Jesse and Maria around the orphanage. I did okay on my own.
But it was another day. It was time to face it, as I always did whenever things went wrong, with my natural kind, clumsy self. I just moved on and accepted the future sunlit days.
Attempting to squirm from my cage, I stopped when Hiei's arm tightened. There was a low grunt behind me and a kiss was pressed into the side of my neck as he nuzzled against me. I waited a solid minute before trying again to slip from his hold.
"Go back to sleep," he rasped into my ear.
I cleared my throat. Hoarsely, as my throat hurt, I mumbled, "restroom."
His arm tightened again, just a tad, before he released me. Edging away from him, I pushed
myself up from the mattress. Carefully, I maneuvered around the articles of clothing. Seeing the clothes, I glanced down at myself and blushed. I know I wore long t-shirts to bed a few times, but I had never walked around in them while in his presence… and I could feel him
watching me. Self-consciously, I tugged at the hem of his shirt. It was long enough to cover everything, but the heat of his gaze made me tremble.
After using the restroom, I avoided looking in the mirror. I didn't want to see if my eyelids were swollen or how red my eyes were against my skin. I just washed my face and ran my
fingers through my hair a few times to untangle it.
Heading back out into the room, I glanced up at the hanging clock. Seeing the time, I blinked in surprise. It was just after eleven. Did I really sleep that long? It had been lighted when we left the club last night…
Despite the lengthy sleep, I was still tired. I wanted to return to the soft mattress and plush pillows, but I forced myself to walk away from the bed. My neck was tingling. He was watching me, but I couldn't meet his eyes.
Hiding my yawn, I settled into the small, plush armchair near the window. I turned sideways in the chair and pulled my legs up to my chest. Curious, I pushed aside the curtain. We were a few floors up and I stared down at the life below us.
"Come back to bed."
At the soft command, I let the curtain fall back into place. I picked at imaginary lint from his shirt for a long moment. Then, quietly, I climbed back into bed and settled on my side to face him. My eyes stayed locked on his bare chest, as I was unsure what to say. Nothing
between us was solved. All I did was beat him with pillows and smash my palms against his face.
But he didn't want to talk yet. It was like one of those moments long ago where words were not needed right now. Just save them for later.
Hiei pulled me toward him and rolled onto his back until I rested atop him.
I thought about pushing away, rolling back onto my side, but this was okay. This was nice – just a few more hours of sleep before I have to face reality again.
A/N: And thank my beta, **akasoeki! **She gives me so much encouragement. See you next week! I have a deviant art page. Check it out. Link in profile.