Chapter 41: First Time Together

Content Warning: There are mentions of child abuse and shitty parenting in this chapter, as well as depictions of unhealthy weight loss.

God is a woman by Ariana Grande

That weekend and the beginning of the following week were difficult. Though I knew without a doubt that I could trust Sirius, it still felt alien for me to have confided in someone else after the past two years of secrecy. I spent most of that weekend in the Forbidden Forest, and I knew that Sirius must've known too, because he would've been able to see me lurking in the area with the Map. Perhaps he tried to find me at some point, but I doubted it; he would've had to search the deeper parts of the forest for me.

Monday's and Tuesday's classes were a blurry haze. However, I couldn't help but notice how defensive Sirius became of me when Lily tried to ask me on Tuesday whether I'd eaten breakfast that morning. He'd quickly shut down her question with a sharp response and an even sharper look. Judging from the looks that James and Remus gave him at his reaction, they'd noticed too. As for me, my heart had thrown itself against my ribs like a caged beast at the fact that Sirius clearly cared enough to become protective of me. I was also deeply appreciative of the gesture and how caring he'd been with me at the party; I'd never had anyone know or care enough to do that.

On Tuesday evening, Sirius took the initiative to hunt me down himself where I was hiding in a seventh-floor corridor.

"Hey, kitten. Found you," he said, suddenly sitting down next to me in my alcove.

"Hey," I said and looked away.

"We can have the dormitory to ourselves right now," he said.

"Okay," I mumbled and lowered my gaze.

"Do you fancy going back there with me?"

I shrugged and curled in on myself.

Sirius took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, and he spoke in a new sombre tone. "I'd ask you how you're doing, but I think it's rather obvious, yeah?" I said nothing so he continued. "Can I do anything to cheer you up, kitten? Anything at all?"

"I dunno," I whispered.

He shifted closer to me so that his leg was pressed up against mine. He reached out and took one of my frigid hands in his warm one, his thumb rubbing over the back of my hand. "Can you come with me so I can try at least?" He faltered before saying, "Please?"

I stared my hand in his, feeling the warmth radiating from his palm and surprised at how much smaller mine was compared to his. I looked up at him and managed a smile. "Okay."

He grinned and my heart stuttered. He scanned my face, dark brows creasing ever so slightly. "We don't have to shag if you don't want to. You know I wouldn't force you, right?"

"I know."

He squeezed my hand and looked down at his own which was wrapped around mine, as if he were confused.

"What?" I said, nervous about his expression.

He grinned fleetingly, still studying our intertwined fingers. "I dunno, I just…" He looked back up and shrugged, a playful smirk about his lips.

I cocked an eyebrow, smiling somehow. "You've never held a girl's hand?"

He laughed. "Trust me, I have. I've just never enjoyed it. Seemed too… sentimental before."

I chuckled. "Do you fancy holding my paw instead?"

"I never said that," he said, standing up and pulling me up with him. He tickled me while he held me captive with my hand in his. I squirmed and laughed, which only made him grin wider.

I shook my head in defeat, a loopy grin on my face. "Alright, lead the way."

"That got you smiling again, kitten," he said as we set off for the Gryffindor Tower.

"Because you tickled me against my will and held my hand. That's hardly fair."

"Really? Should I bring out some truly rubbish jokes or puns with my name? Because I'd obviously make you laugh with those, and then it'd be 'fair,'" he said with air quotes and a goofy expression.

"How would you have any concept of what's fair, you silly dog?"

"Merlin's arsehole, no need to be so cold, kitten."

I poked and tickled him right back until we were both breathless with laughter. "I dunno what I'm talking about, I'm sorry. I've been so off that I can't even say the right thing," I said.

Sirius looked at me. "It's okay, kitten. I get it."

I stared back at him, in awe of how dear he'd become to me. "You do get me. How, though?"

He shrugged with a lazy smile. "Dunno. You do get me. How though?"

I laughed at his imitation of me. "Dunno."

He looked at me seriously. "I do get the… family issues. Not that we've had the same shit to deal with, but if anyone's an expert on shitty family situations, then it's me," he said, pointing to himself. He tried to pass it off as entirely humorous, but I could see how his smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Thank you for telling me about everything, Sirius. About your family and all that."

"I'm not finished telling you about everything, kitten. I've got sixteen years worth of shitty experiences to recount."

"So you popped out of the womb as a sentient being? Really?"

"Of course. Come on, it's me that we're talking about."

Despite my sombre mood, I laughed. He smiled— a genuine one— at my happy expression. "In all seriousness— not 'siriusness'— I know you never talk about your family, and I appreciate that you've decided to tell me."

Sirius cocked his head, watching me like a confused puppy. "No one's ever thanked me for telling them about my family."

I shrugged. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I appreciate the fact that you trust me enough now to tell me?"

He smiled slowly. "And even though I wasn't meant to see you in the dormitory, having the… vision, I appreciate that you told me about what you've been going through. There, how's that? We're even now."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "You don't have to feel pressured to tell me anything just because I've told you about my issues, Sirius. It's not transactional, that's not how it works.

He stopped dead in the corridor, staring at me like I'd just tried to tell him that I was a hippogriff. He opened his mouth, closed it, swallowed, and kept staring at me.

"What?" I said.

He shook his head like a dog wringing water from his coat, and smiled when he looked at me. "You are something else, Kersti."

My heart had a fit in my chest. "Why? Because I try not to be an arsehole with you?"

We resumed our walking. "Not just that. Everything," he said.

I wanted to ask what he meant by everything, but I didn't want to back him into an emotionally vulnerable corner. He could tell me when he was ready. "Er, thanks."

He chuckled and cocked an eyebrow. "You don't need to sound so apprehensive."

"Well then, fancy being serenaded? Would that be less apprehensive-sounding for you, you silly dog?"

"Oh, of course, kitten. Please, do serenade me." I gave him a look, which he returned with equal sass. "Come on, hurry up. We're almost at the Common Room. Unless you want to serenade me in front of the other students?"

I jostled him, but he retaliated by tickling me. "I'd rather not get detention again for singing about how bloody brilliantly you shag me in front of the first- and second-years."

"Can't say I blame you, kitten," he said, laughing.

I ignored the stares from the other students in the Common Room. They could bugger off. They didn't know anything about me and never would.

"Fancy a smoke?" Sirius said as he opened the top drawer of his bedside table in search of his spare pack.

I closed the door and looked around the empty dormitory. It was slightly messy as usual, though Sirius had managed to keep the mess to a minimum around his bed. There was only a pair of extra trousers slung over the footboard and some mismatched socks on the floor next to it. "Sure," I said and went over to the window which looked out over the grounds.

I heard Sirius closing the drawer, and then my skin tingled when I felt him coming to stand beside me as I stared outside. He extended his right hand to me and I took the proffered cigarette.

"What're you looking at, kitten?" he asked as I lit my cigarette wandlessly, and then his as well.

I opened the window a crack. "Comparing the view to my dormitory."

He hummed, and the smoke he exhaled swirled around me like an ashy halo. After several more drags, he spoke again. "With my bloody terrible family, I've always considered Hogwarts to be my true home. I've always dreaded going back home for the holidays. I wanted to stay here during the holidays and the summers, but my parents wouldn't let me, not to mention that students can't stay over the summer."

"Only Filch can."

Sirius chuckled. "I don't fancy keeping old Filchy dearest company." He took another drag. "At least I got to spend time at Prongs's place during the summer, and in later years, during the Christmas holidays too. When it got to be too much at home, I knew I was always welcome at his house, even if I turned up in the dead of night."

I glanced at him. "I knew you two were best mates, but… Well, I never knew how deep it ran."

He smiled at me before looking out the window again. "Yeah. He's the best friend I could've ever asked for. They all are. I would've gone batty like the rest of my family if I hadn't had them."

I smiled and took another hit. "I'm really glad that you have them."

"Me too." Sirius waited a while before continuing. "When I ran away from home in the summer between fifth and sixth year, the only place I could— and wanted— to go was Prongs's house. I showed up in the middle of the night, half out of my mind, and his parents still took me in. They…" He cleared his throat. "His parents, Euphemia and Fleamont, have been better parents to me than mine ever were."

I didn't dare mention that I already knew who James's parents were and that I'd seen them in the dream at his wedding. I also didn't dare tell Sirius that I'd been seeing things through his eyes in the dream; I didn't want to freak him out. Instead, I said, "Did you stay with them for that whole summer?"

"Basically the whole summer, yeah. I didn't even last that long at my family's house that summer. I think I ran away after only a week. With every summer, I'd stayed at Prongs's place for more and more time, but still, to take me in so unexpectedly and for the rest of the break?" Sirius smiled fondly at the memory of how good Euphemia and Fleamont were to him. "They're saints, honestly. And right away, they offered for me to come back for every holidays and summer after that. I didn't even have to ask them, which is brilliant since I was too proud to ask first."

"Did you feel like you were a sort of… burden there?" I asked softly, looking to see his reaction.

He looked at me for a long moment before answering. "Yeah. I mentioned that I felt I was imposing on them once while I was there and they reassured me that it was never a burden on them for me to stay in their house. It's not like they don't have plenty of spare bedrooms. I actually have my own bedroom there and they let me and Prongs… redecorate and move all my things in permanently. That is, until I got my own flat."

"When did you get your flat?"

"After Uncle Alphard died. I told you that, didn't I?" I nodded so he continued. "He died in the spring of sixth year, so that summer I went and bought my own flat so I'd have a place to call my own."

"Where is it?" I asked.

He gave me a lop-sided grin. "In London. It made the most sense to buy a flat there, for obvious reasons. And I like the city, it's where I was born and grew up. And if I want to spend time with Prongs, then I can just head to his place, with my bedroom still waiting for me. I go there a lot anyway because I get tired of cooking for myself. I've burnt so many dishes that I give up sometimes. And even if it does work out alright, it never quite tastes the same as Euphemia's, even though I follow her recipe word for word."

I laughed. "Surprised you haven't burnt down the flat."

Sirius barked with laughter. "Oh, I know. Swore I was going to if I didn't have magic a couple times. I would've been singed to a crisp if I'd been a Muggle."

It took me a moment to stop laughing so hard and wipe the tears from my eyes. "You know, I'd pay to see you cook. Ever lit your hair on fire?"

"No, thank Merlin. I'd never live down the teasing from Prongs and Moony if I had."

He held the cigarette pack out to me and we both took another. After I'd had a first drag, I said, "What's your flat like?"

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and pursed his lips around the cigarette. He said, with a big exhalation of smoke, "It's rather nice, at least in my opinion. That is why I bought it. It's got two bedrooms so Prongs or Moony or Wormtail can sleep there for the night if we drink too much. Actually, that's why I got two couches, so everyone would have a place to pass out if we got trollied. It was Moony's idea, since he said I'd get tired of them fighting over who had to sleep on the floor or in the chair."

I laughed. "That's smart."

"It was Moony's idea after all. I can't take any of the credit. I reckon I wouldn't've thought of that and then been driven mad by their bickering."

"Do you have any flat rules?" I said with a cheeky smile.

Sirius scoffed and grinned. "Rules? Of course not. Well, except that none of them are allowed to sleep in my bed, that's what the couches and spare bedroom are for."

I took a long hit and puffed smoke out with my response. "It sounds lovely, old man."

He studied me for a beat. "You know… you could come see it, if you want. You might like it."

"Like… over the summer?"

"Yeah," he said softly, eyes scanning my expression for perhaps the tiniest sign that I was about to reject him.

I smiled. "I reckon I'd like that."

He grinned before adding quickly, "You don't have to stay or anything. Just if you want to, I dunno… see the place."

"I know, Sirius," I said, unable to break his gaze. I swallowed, my heart thundering in my chest. "Thank you for telling me about… all of it."

His lips curled into a half-smile. "You keep thanking me, kitten. I dunno why."

"Because I know how hard it can be to tell someone about… personal things, to be… vulnerable," I whispered.

He drank me in with his gaze. My knees quivered, and all I could see was him, all I could think about was how much he'd come to mean to me. I didn't know how I could possibly leave Hogwarts and no longer see him. At this point, I'd do just about anything to see him after we graduated, and I wanted nothing more than to come see his flat during the summer. If he let me come to visit, he might never be able to get rid of me.

Cigarette forgotten, Sirius leaned in and kissed me, slowly and softly. There wasn't yet any burning desire or need in this kiss, but a thoughtful exploration of my mouth against his. I matched this tenderness in the kiss, not wanting to rush the moment between us. As his soft lips moved against mine, all I could think about was how badly and desperately I fancied him, and how I wanted all of him to myself.

Sirius broke our kiss with a sigh of contentment, smiling down at me. My throat closed with emotion when I felt him slip my hand into his, our fingers interlocking. I was frozen to the spot, and I couldn't have broken eye contact even if I'd wanted to.

"Merlin, are your hands usually this cold?" he said.

"Uh, I dunno. Maybe. The window is open," I mumbled.

"You finished with your smoke?" he asked.

I took a final drag and then tossed it out the window, and he did the same. "Plenty more where those came from, yeah?" I said, pulling the window closed.

"Of course, kitten. Can't leave us high and dry with no cigarettes."

I looked out the window for a beat before turning to watch him as he crossed the clothes-ridden dormitory floor to his four-poster bed. To think that I was one of the few people who got to see him like this made my chest swell with happiness, though I knew that I had no claim over him but the one he chose to give me of his own free will. He picked the Map up from his bedside table and turned back to face me. "Fancy a look, kitten?" he asked, holding it up.

"Really?"

"You already know about it. And I can't brag about how I helped create it if I don't show you, yeah?"

I chuckled and made my way back to him. "Bragging, huh? That's what this is about?"

Sirius laid a hand on his chest dramatically. "I never miss a chance to demonstrate my magical prowess."

I cocked an eyebrow.

"Oh, come off it. I'm just taking the piss. I do want to show you the Map," he said, grinning and kicking off his shoes before getting comfortable on his bed.

I toed off my shoes and left them next to his, and then sat cross-legged next to him. He shifted, stretching his long legs out on the bed and withdrawing his wand from his pocket.

"When did you make this?" I asked.

"We started in fifth year, after we became animagi together, and finished it at the beginning of last year."

"What spells did you use?" I asked as Sirius smoothed the blank piece of parchment against his lap. I thought it best not to mention that I'd discussed the Map right away with Lily, since he might think that I'd also told her that James had been teasing him about me.

"The Homonculus charm, and another one to insult greasy Snivellus, if Merlin forbid he ever got his oily hands on it." He lifted it up to show me how it was blank on all sides. "It stays blank of course so that no one but us can use it."

"So that begs the question: how do you… get it going?"

He offered me a cheeky grin before pulling out his wand. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he said and tapped it once with the end.

All at once, ink markings began to appear on the parchment like watching a single drop of blood dissipating in water. As the markings grew and spread out, it revealed a map of Hogwarts and the grounds, complete with labelled moving dots that indicated people.

"Jesus Christ!" I gasped as I opened the Map more to reveal two dots labelled "Sirius Black" and "Kersti Ridgelow" in the Gryffindor boys' dormitories. "No wonder you tossers could find me and Lily without fail!"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and watched me while I pored over the Map. "Take a look at this, kitten," he said, pointing to a secret passage hidden between the second- and third-floor corridors. "It's hidden by a portrait of Boris the Bewildered," he added, as a speech bubble appeared at the entrance with what must be the password: forget-me-never.

"How did you four get all these… things on the Map?" I asked, staring at the dots labelled "James Potter" and "Lily Evans" which were currently very close together— nearly on top of each other— in the Prefects' Bath.

"We charted all of Hogwarts with the Cloak, which you know about too now. That Cloak has been bloody brilliant for sneaking around, and so has the Map."

"I can imagine!" I breathed, watching Avery's dot making its way towards the Slytherin girls' dormitory. It even showed a person labelled "Dumbledore" pacing relentlessly in the Headmaster's office.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, thinking about something for a beat, before he hesitantly said, "You overheard everything in the forest that full moon? Everything Prongs said?"

I looked at him, surprised by the nervous expression he bore. "Yeah," I admitted.

He looked away, staring ahead and not meeting my eyes. "It was so easy to check it to see where you were… hiding. Especially when you started acting slightly… off before the holidays. I ignored it when I saw how you were spending a bloody insane amount of time in the library, but then… I reckon I was too thick to ask why, just like I didn't think much of you skipping most meals in the Great Hall." He turned back to me, a determined but even look in his eyes. "You were researching memory charms, weren't you?"

I looked down at our two dots on the Map. "Yeah," I mumbled.

"I'm sorry I was too thick to ask why you were acting different before the holidays, Kersti."

I shook my head, still avoiding his gaze. "I wouldn't've told you anyway, even if you had. If you hadn't come into the dormitory while I was having the vision, then maybe I still wouldn't've told you. It's not just something I can bring up in idle chit-chat over tea."

Sirius watched me silently for a long time before he said, "I know."

"That's why I can relate to Remus too."

"You both consider yourselves to be 'cursed?'"

"Yeah."

"He did say that you 'know what it's like.'"

"I've hinted at what I suffered from with him."

He hummed in agreement. "The summer between fifth and six year was a tough one for both of us, yeah? I ran away from home, you had the Seer shit to deal with."

"Yeah." I reached over and put the Map back on his bedside table.

He stayed sitting beside me, studying me for a long time. I could practically hear his thoughts: "She's been suffering for years, much longer than I've known her;" "She's lost so much weight over the holidays;" "How could I've not seen what it was until now?" My heart raced, thinking about how different I looked now, when my stress and grief had reduced me to a pathetic sack of bones. Did he even find me appealing anymore? I clenched my hands together until my knuckles were white.

"What're you so nervous about, kitten?" he whispered. "Is it me?"

I fought back the frantic tears and hand tremors. "I'm such a fucking mess. And I know I look like shit from the holidays because I haven't really had an appetite since mid-December. I'm surprised my hair hasn't started falling out yet. I'm a fucking trainwreck and I've done this to myself, I've got no one but myself to blame."

Sirius shifted closer to me and took my frail hands into his strong ones. "Do you think I think that? Is it because I said you looked terrible outside the Great Hall?" he said, watching my face though I refused to meet his eyes.

"No, it's the truth."

"It's not the truth." He rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand. "And I'm sorry I said that, I was being such a git because I thought you didn't reply just to, I dunno… spite me or something. Isn't that stupid of me?" he said with a soft chuckle. "I was being such a selfish arsehole. You know how selfish I can be, kitten."

"You're not always selfish," I mumbled.

"And you don't look like shit and you're not a trainwreck."

A short laugh burst from me and I looked up to meet his eyes. "Using my words against me, you sly dog?"

He grinned and squeezed my hands. "Maybe." He leaned in and kissed me gently, and then he withdrew a hair's breadth to place a kiss on the tip of my nose.

He filled my vision and my senses as he stayed with his face so close to mine, and then I leaned forwards and kissed him again. Our hands gripped harder as our kiss grew more heated, needing this death grip of our hands to ground us while we fell farther into each other. I found myself twisting his shirtfront in my hand to anchor myself, while his landed on the bed next to me to support his weight as he leaned forward to deepen our kiss. His tongue in my mouth was frantic now, drinking in every wet curve like this was our last snog. He leaned forwards more and I held onto his shirt for dear life to keep myself as close to him as possible, his hand still clutching mine. Sirius finally tore his lips away when I fell backwards onto the bed under the increasing weight of his body leaning against mine. We laughed at our graceless descent into a horizontal position.

"Sorry, kitten," he said, grinning down at me. "Got a little carried away with snogging you."

"Me too," I said, staring up at him, his body a sublime weight on top of me. "But I don't mind."

"Mmm, that's good," he said, his voice a husky whisper. "We don't have to shag if you don't want to," he said, his hand still wrapped around mine.

I trailed a hand down his chest. "I know, but I want to. Do you?"

He grinned. "Yeah. I've missed this. I've missed… you."

I brought him down to me and kissed him hard. I'd missed him too, so desperately, and even more now because I fancied him. He let go of my hand and instead gripped my waist so that he could hold me to him. I was just as fierce in my hold on him; I fisted his shirt and held onto his hair perhaps a bit too tightly.

"I'm not going anywhere, kitten," he whispered against my lips.

"I know. What makes you say that?"

He buried his face in the underside of my jaw, where he began placing soft, reverent kisses. "You've got a death grip on my hair."

I laughed. "Oh, sorry."

"I don't care." He rolled his hips and gripped my waist, the touch of his fingers burning through my shirt.

I tipped my head back and groaned as he traced his tongue over my jugular pulse point and then lower, sucking at the hollow of my throat, the scent of his hair driving me wild. I shifted to wrap my legs around his hips, hissing in appreciation when his erection poked me. Our hands were frantically ripping at our clothing as we tried to keep snogging, though we inevitably had to pause our furious snog to undress each other. Getting Sirius out of his clothes was easy, but when it was my turn and he was half-way through unbuttoning my shirt, I placed a shaking hand atop of his fingers to still him.

"What is it, kitten?" he whispered, looking down at me underneath him.

"Er, I dunno, I just… I dunno if you'll like what you'll see."

Sirius stared, brows creased in confusion. "Kersti, how could I ever… I don't think I'd ever be able to not like it."

"I'm just warning you."

He placed a kiss on the tip of my nose. "S'okay, kitten."

I finished undressing myself, preferring my own speed over his slow, religiously reverent process, as if getting it over with faster would hide how my ribs were visible or soften how my clavicle stuck up under my skin. I lay back on the bed, completely exposed. I watched Sirius's face as he studied my changed body, running his palm over my stomach, cupping my breasts, feeling the curve of my inner thigh.

He met my eyes. "Kersti, I don't think I could ever not find you attractive."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I just— I wanted to—"

He brushed a strand of hair away from my cheek. "Merlin, you're so beautiful."

My voice failed me.

He traced a finger in between the valley of my breasts, along my rib cage, drawing his palm along my calf, and then dipped his mouth down to kiss my breasts. "Fuck, you are so beautiful." He captured my nipple in his warm mouth, sighing against my skin. Slowly, devoutly, he swirled his tongue around it before kissing across my chest to do the same to the other. "Bloody hell, I can't even describe how beautiful you are," he whispered against my breast, his fingers sliding along my cunt.

I made a strangled noise as he moved down my body until he was nuzzling my inner thigh. "Fuck, Sirius."

"Yeah?" he said, raising his eyes to meet my relentless stare.

I groaned and lay back down as he slipped my hand back into his, the other beginning to rub my clit. Suddenly, his mouth was on my cunt, his tongue swirling around my clit, his lips against my hot flesh, and I was whimpering from the sensation. Fuck, how I'd missed our shags.

Sirius teased my entrance with a first finger before slipping inside, his lips drawing back from my clit ever so slightly. "Merlin, you are so fucking beautiful and you've no idea how much I missed this," he practically growled before sinking his mouth back onto me.

I writhed, and still he held my hand in his as he drove me higher on the wave of my impending orgasm. My voice cracked as I begged for more. "Fuck, Sirius. Please."

He hummed against my clit and slid two more fingers inside me, curling his digits so that he was rubbing against my walls. My legs shook around his head, my hips jerked up against my will, and a drawn-out moan and his name burst from me when I finally came.

My chest was heaving and my heart was racing as I watched Sirius wiping remnants of me from his lips. He noticed me watching and gave me a devilish grin. "How was that?"

I flopped back onto the bed, laughing. "You have to ask? Really?"

He chuckled, suddenly hovering on top of me again. "I dunno, I'm not using legilimency on you or anything."

I smiled and tucked a loose wave of dark hair behind his ear. I looked up at him, studying his beautiful features and lovely grey eyes for a moment before I spoke. "Can we have sex like this? With you on top?"

He smiled and shifted his weight on a hand. "Whatever you want, kitten. Do you prefer this now?"

"I dunno, but I want to be closer this time, more… intimate." I felt the colour rising in my cheeks at this last part.

He smiled, eyes never leaving my face. "Exactly what I was thinking. And I like seeing you and your reactions."

"It's a win-win situation, yeah?" I said as I shifted underneath him so that his erection was hot against my centre.

He smiled before positioning his cock at my dripping entrance, and then slowly he slid in. "Fuck," he breathed, still watching my face as he sheathed himself inside me fully.

"God," I sighed.

"You have no idea how much I've missed this," he murmured, staying still inside me but dipping his head to rub the tip of his nose against mine.

"Fuck, I've missed this so much," I moaned as he did a first measured thrust inside me.

He picked a slower pace to begin with, his focus on my face and watching my reactions to him moving so deeply inside me. I circled my legs around his hips. With every thrust, I felt like he was stretching me by climbing into the hole of grief in my chest, taking up residence there and pushing all the sadness out. He would stay inside me to make the sadness go away, to make me happy and at peace again. I was the most vulnerable that I'd ever been right now, but I was safe. When he dipped his head down to kiss me, I felt like we were two halves of the same coin at this moment.

He thrust faster and pulled his mouth from mine to watch my face. His hand held onto my waist so that he could grip me against him. "You're safe with me, kitten," he whispered and brushed the tip of his nose against mine. "I'm here for you."

I sighed and stared back at Sirius as he made love to me for the first time. The world around me had ceased to exist; it was only us now. His beautiful, handsome face was so close to me and I kissed him again, both of us moaning into each other's mouths as he picked up a faster pace. I wanted our sex to always be like this from now on, with this intimacy and passion that I'd never experienced with anyone else before. I held him tighter with a hand buried in his hair and my legs locked around his hips, wanting to be as close as possible to him, as if I could crawl inside him and fall asleep next to his heart.

"Fuck, Kersti," he breathed against my lips. "I can't last much longer."

My eyes never left his. "Come for me, Sirius."

He groaned deep in his throat, pupils blown wide in his grey irises. "Fuck," he sighed, and then his expression shifted drastically as he neared his orgasm. "Fuck, kitten."

I matched his passion, clenching my inner muscles. "Come for me."

He watched my face, and soon he was moaning as he thrust once all the way inside me and stilled as he came, his arms shaking with the effort of holding himself above me. I smiled and dragged him down on top of me so that his body weight was crushing me so deliciously. He buried his face in my neck and nuzzled me as I kept my hand in his hair, my arm wrapped around his middle so that he couldn't go anywhere even if he'd tried.

"Merlin, that was good," he murmured against my skin.

I chuckled and turned my head to press small kisses against his hair. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Don't say that stuff again if you want me to last longer."

"Don't go down on me if you want me to last longer."

Sirius chuckled against my neck. "Fair enough." He raised his head to smile down at me as I lay underneath his body, and dipped his head down to rub the tip of his nose against mine again.

"I missed this, I missed you, a lot," I whispered.

He tucked a hair behind my ear and grinned, his grey eyes alight. "I missed you too."

When he rolled off to lay down beside me, the left side of his body a warm and comforting pressure to my right, I was overcome by the realization of how well he understood me. It was never a struggle to explain myself to Sirius; he seemed to just get me so naturally, and I, him. When had I ever felt this seen, this understood before? Or had I ever felt like this? I'd certainly never felt so deeply connected physically, mentally, and emotionally to anyone else before. Sirius was so dear to me not just because I fancied him, but because he saw everything about me and understood me in a way that no one else did or ever had. This realization had— to my chagrin— the tears leaking out of my eyes. I tried to quiet my sniffling, but as I was overcome by my burning feelings for Sirius, they dripped down my face and onto his pillow faster.

He turned his head on his other pillow to look at me, his brows creasing. When he saw my tears, he propped himself up on an elbow. "What's wrong, kitten?"

I turned my face away as I tried to wipe them away. "I feel like someone finally understands everything about me, for the first time in my life, and I don't feel so alone."

He reached out to lay a hand over mine. "Come here, kitten. You're so far away," he whispered.

I turned back to him and let him wrap me up in his arms so that our limbs were tangled together, his chin resting on the top of my head. "Sorry about me being such a weepy mess," I mumbled into his chest.

"S'okay, kitten, I'm here for you. I know what it's like. I mean, not with the Seer shit, but the family issues are something of a specialty for me," he said with a self-deprecating chuckle.

"I'm sorry you were born into your family."

"Mmm, that's okay." He paused for a heavy minute, perhaps to weigh his next words. "The whole time I lived at home, the whole time I visited home, all I ever knew was how my parents treated me, which was bloody terribly. When I visited Prongs the summer between first and second year— well, when he first told me about his home life, really— I realized the way my parents treated me wasn't normal, it wasn't what… proper, loving parents did."

"How so?" I asked, breathing in his scent.

"I dunno, I just… All I'd known up until Hogwarts was other pureblood families, and the whole lot of them, especially the Sacred Twenty-Eight, are mad and treat their kids like shit. I reckon I thought it was… normal for parents to treat their children like how mine treated me. Before Hogwarts, I hadn't really started rebelling, but I was always different from the beginning, and when Regulus came along, that just proved to them even more that I wasn't what they wanted for a respectable pureblood son. Prongs really twigged how mad my family is and all their rot when I made the occasional comparison between his family and mine. Oh, and when I asked him whether his parents ever screamed and threatened him for going against their wishes and for never 'being good enough.' Of course, that was early on and my parents got even worse when they found out I was sorted into Gryffindor. They sent me a howler, you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah, the next day after the Sorting Ceremony. My bloody cousin Narcissa, who was in fifth year at the time, sent her dear mother Druella a letter about who got sorted into Slytherin that year, and she really laid it on thick about how I was such a bloody pathetic Black for being in Gryffindor. The next morning, I got a howler."

I hugged him tighter. "I'm sorry."

He chuckled and kissed the top of my head. "Kitten, I haven't even told you the worst of it. Trust me, there's a reason the Blacks are correctly considered to be completely mad."

"What else… happened?"

"Loads, really. But things got really tough with my dear parents after the Sorting Ceremony. The older I got, the more I rebelled and deviated from their views and the views of other pureblood families. During the Christmas holidays in second year, my mother took things farther and threw a goblet at me during an argument. After that, well… I used my quidditch reflexes to dodge. It wasn't until later when Regulus was older that he tried to rein her in, but by then my father had gotten rather horrendous too. With my mother, I could almost sense it coming, certain topics would bring out the Chaser in her, and that's when I'd know to start ducking. But my father, well… he'd be fine one minute, the next he'd be…"

I drew back to look at him. "You don't have to tell me, Sirius. It's okay."

He smiled sadly and stroked a thumb over my cheekbone. He swallowed and continued. "There was one time, I think I'd just gotten in the door after visiting Prongs in the summer when I was fifteen, and he sort of… He got me when my back was turned. That was probably the worst one, since he caught me unawares and I didn't have time to defend myself. Regulus heard him knock me over in the entryway and came down from upstairs, but he was smaller then and couldn't really get a grip on my dad. And my mother… That madwoman just watched him beat me in the entryway, and when Regulus finally managed to pull my father off me, she stood there watching me as I got up, and as I passed her, she said that it was all my fault, that if I'd been a better son, my father wouldn't have to be so 'hard' on me. Merlin, I was tempted to lay into her next, but I managed to turn around and walk back out the door. I didn't come back for an entire day after that."

I stared at Sirius for a long time. When I finally found my voice, I said, "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry that you went through that."

He stayed facing me, our heads close together on the pillow, as he went on. "I had my motorbike that year, so it wasn't too bad. I could always get away if I needed to. But after that, things were never the same. The next summer, I was home for one week before he tried to get another one over me. My mother broke lots of expensive tableware that summer and the summer before. I would assume the plates and dishes were safe after I left in the middle of the night for Prongs's place."

I stroked my thumb over his cheekbone. "I didn't know you had a motorbike."

He managed a pinched smile. "Yeah. Got it a year before I ran away." I couldn't help but giggle and watch him fondly. He furrowed his eyebrows. "What's so funny, kitten?"

"Oh, I dunno. Just that of course you would have a motorbike, because that's the kind of bad-boy type you are. And it seems like something that would be so you."

He cocked an eyebrow. "'Bad-boy type?'"

"It just seems so fitting for you, that's all. It's not really about the bad-boy image, it's more that, I dunno… It just is so you."

He grinned. "It's a flying one, kitten. And it's bloody large and loud."

I laughed. "There you go! There's a touch of magic to it too. That is very fitting."

He smiled ruefully. "I cannot honestly tell whether you're mocking me or not."

"Merlin, no! I'm not mocking you, I never would. It's just so you to have a motorbike and I love that." I paused, unable to help the loopy grin on my face. "I think it's amazing that you have a flying motorbike. And I love that you're not afraid to get one and be yourself and all that."

He smiled widely. "An excellent vehicle for the rebel of the House of Black, yeah?"

"Merlin, yes. And it just suits you so well."

"I should hope so, it's my bloody motorbike," he said and we both laughed.

"Are you going to take me for a spin sometime?"

"Of course, kitten."

"And then I'll take you for a spin in my car."

Sirius perked up like a dog that had been offered a treat. "You've got a car?"

"Yeah, but it's just a Muggle one, nothing fancy. It doesn't fly or anything."

"I don't care, I just think Muggle technology like motorbikes and cars are fascinating. That's why I got mine."

I raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Mine doesn't have any magical upgrades, so don't get your hopes up."

He grinned. "I don't care if it uses magic or not, I think it'd be bloody brilliant for you to take me for a spin in it."

I laughed at his enthusiasm. "Alright, old man. I will definitely make sure to take you for a spin in it."

"And then we can race each other."

"That wouldn't be fair! How's a perfectly ordinary Muggle car supposed to keep up with a flying motorbike?"

"Dunno. I do know you'd be easy competition and I could get a fair number of Galleons out of Prongs if we bet on it."

I tickled him until he squirmed. "That's not fair! I can't let you drop James in the shit like that."

He rolled over to evade my tickles. "Why not? He's my best mate. And he's loaded, he bets a ridiculous number of Galleons all the time. I can't anymore."

I thought of something suddenly. "Does he let you win?"

Sirius turned back over to face me. "Yeah, almost every time, and he always gives me what he owes me from the bet. But if I lose, he never makes me hand over the Galleons. He started doing that after I got disowned."

"He's a very good best mate."

He smiled, the fondness in his expression evident. "Yeah, the best. I've tried to bring up how he lets me win our bets or always refuses me coughing up the Galleons, but he acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, like I'm the mad one. He's always been like that, though. He'd do anything for me, but it's never, ever a bother. He's always made it clear I'm never a bother to him or his parents. That's… that's what I've always thought a good family was like, you know?" He looked at me, waiting for my reaction, as if it could be anything other than positive.

I smiled and propped myself up on an elbow to look down at him. "Yeah, I know. You deserve to have a family like his that actually cares for you, Sirius."

He smiled but couldn't manage to say anything. He let me stroke my thumb over his cheekbone as he closed his eyes, seeming to lean into my touch like a dog leans into your hand when you pet it, simply craving the physical contact. I hated to leave him to go back to my own dormitory when he always made me so happy to simply lie in silence next to him, but I had to leave eventually. He protested mildly as I got ready to leave, but he knew that ultimately I had to go, and that this wouldn't be the last time I'd see him. As I left his dormitory and headed down the stairs from the Gryffindor Tower, my happiness at basking in the warm glow of his presence stayed with me, and remained as a sunny halo around me even as I lay in the cold and airy quiet of my Ravenclaw dormitory.