The Devil in Me
The First Step is the One You Believe In
The chapter title is from the song:
I'll Follow You by Shinedown.
The solstice was on a Sunday, and as such, it was also the end of the term.
All the younger students going home piled onto the Hogwarts Express, but most of the seventh years apparated home. Harry had no idea where Lily was going, but he expected to see her around Malfoy Manor over the holidays.
By the time Harry and Draco arrived at midday, it was clear that something was going on from the level of noise coming from the war room. He and Draco shared concerned looks and hovered outside, listening to the raised voices to try and pick out the exact words.
"He killed our sister!"
"She was fighting back!"
"No, she wasn't!"
"She reached for her wand!"
"To defend herself, you idiot!"
The angry voices belonged to the Lestrange brothers and Albion Avery.
"Enough!" The cold, calm voice was Tom's.
Silence fell immediately, and even in the corridor outside, Harry and Draco held their breath.
"You were always aware that your sister might be collateral damage. Her husband and son foolishly chose the wrong side, and she allowed them to do so," Tom continued, "Her death is a tragic accident, but it is not cause for argument."
There was silence in the room for a minute longer, then one of the Lestrange brothers asked, "May I be excused, my lord?"
Before Voldemort could reply, Harry and Draco made themselves scarce. The last thing they wanted was to be caught snooping by an angry Lestrange brother; it wouldn't end well. They disappeared into the games room across the hall and sat down at the chess table.
"What do you think that was about?" Harry asked in a whisper.
"By the sounds of it, Avery killed Lotus Lestrange in the Cauldwell raid," Draco replied.
"That was the shock value attack the Dark Lord spoke of?" Harry asked.
With a nod, Draco replied, "The homes of the known Aurors who fought with Shacklebolt in the Battle of Longbottom Grove were all raided at sunrise today."
"I'm surprised the Lestrange brothers care, to be honest," Harry confessed, "I always got the impression that they didn't care about anything."
"They don't care about much, but they didn't have much family left," Draco said. He shrugged and glanced up a portrait of his parents, "And when you don't have much to lose, it hurts all the more when you lose it."
Harry could understand that, to a degree. He nodded and thought about his own family, about how much he had wished for it back at times. He had a family now, a bigger one than he had ever imagined, and he was still grateful to Tom for giving him that.
Harry and Draco played chess, mostly silently, unless they congratulated each other for a particularly smart move. But they did not get to finish their game. Halfway through, a whole lot of commotion sounded upstairs. There were shouts and blasts; then the roof shook from the force of a spell.
Harry and Draco were on their feet in seconds. They ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time until they reached the corridor. Just as they got there, the Lestrange brothers jumped out of a window and turned to smoke, disappearing before any spell could stop them. Lucius and Avery had been the two people duelling them, but neither of them looked hurt.
"What happened?" Harry asked, looking between the two older men.
"They cursed Bella," Lucius said, and Harry had a feeling that the fear in his eyes had nothing to do with Bellatrix's possible demise and everything to do with the Dark Lords fury that something had been allowed to happen to her in the first place.
"Well, what are you standing here complaining about?" Harry snapped. He immediately sent an urgent Patronus off to Bill Weasley, then looked back at Lucius, "The Dark Lord must be made aware."
"Harry…" Draco began.
Harry thought spoke to Tom; There is no way you did not hear that commotion. The Lestrange brothers cursed Bellatrix and seem to have deserted. You had better get up here quickly.
"What did they do to her?" Harry asked, looking specifically at Lucius.
"I am not sure," Lucius confessed.
"But they were arguing about her loyalty for the Dark Lord and his child taking precedence over her loyalty to them," Avery added.
Harry opened the door to Bellatrix's bedroom and looked in warily, half-expecting to see blood and gore, or a dead body. Instead, all he saw was Bellatrix's pale form lying on her bed, she was alive but appeared as if she were asleep. He turned to Lucius and Avery, "Did you hear any of the words?"
Lucius and Albion both shook their heads, and at that point, feet sounded on the stairs. Harry knew from how heavy-footed and quick the person was that it was Bill, not Tom.
"What happened?" The redheaded man asked when he stepped into the room.
"Nobody knows," Harry replied, stepping back so that Bill could cast a diagnostic charm on Bellatrix, "Just that the Lestrange brothers cursed her."
Bill nodded, he glanced out into the corridor then turned back to Harry, "Clear the room so that I can work, and get me Azriel Gibbon. I could use a second set of hands."
With a nod, Harry left the room and shut the door behind him. He instructed Draco to send a message to Azriel then he saw Tom appear at the top of the stairs.
Harry nudged his head in the direction of a parlour on this floor. The Dark Lord took the hint and stepped inside. Harry followed him wordlessly and locked the door behind them.
Tom looked at him expectantly.
Harry sighed, "The Lestrange brothers have deserted. Bellatrix has been cursed."
Tom's jaw set, "Is she dead?"
"No, she's alive, and Bills working on the curse right now," Harry replied, "But we have no idea what kind of curse it was or what it might be doing to her or…the baby."
Tom turned to look at the window to mask the emotions on his face, but it was pointless because Harry could feel them all anyway. He could feel Tom's anger over the Lestrange's betrayal; he could sense his fear about the situation and his discomfort that he felt afraid to lose a child he hadn't even wanted.
"We will kill them for their betrayal."
"I know," Harry said.
Tom was seething, "I want their heads brought to me, and I shall put them on spikes on the gates of this Manor."
With another nod, Harry said, "I know."
Tom turned to look at him, and his blue eyes had a reddish tinge as his glamour charm cracked for a moment.
"But," Harry continued, "It's the solstice day. It's not the time to call a meeting and start a witch hunt. Tomorrow, you can give the order that the Lestrange brothers have a bounty on their head, but today, you need to hope that Bellatrix and the child will pull through this."
"I do not hope, Harry," Tom said distastefully, "It is a foolish word, reserved for dreamers. I simply do, and I believe you know what I will do to those who have hurt Bella."
"You know that I do," Harry said, "But, at the risk of getting tortured, you are too close to this, and you aren't thinking straight. Right now, we need to warn everyone to strengthen their wards, and we need to change ours. If the Lestrange brothers have deserted, it's only a matter of time before they betray us to the light."
Tom didn't torture Harry; he didn't even shout at Harry.
Instead, he nodded and agreed. Harry unlocked the door, and Tom ordered Lucius and Albion to inform the other Death Eaters to change their wards.
Tom and Harry instructed everyone in the house to change and strengthen the wards around the entire Manor and its grounds. It was no easy task. It involved changing both the floo passwords and encryptions, refreshing the anti-apparition and anti-disapparition wards, and adjusting all protective enchantments around the house. It took most of the afternoon, and by the time they were done, Harry was exhausted – he had planned on having a nap that afternoon before the evening celebrations, but that plan had swiftly gone to hell.
"I really hope the baby is okay," Lily said to Harry as they ripped down the disintegration curse on the back gate and re-applied a new one.
Harry looked up, "You not so bothered about Bellatrix?"
Lily gave him a cynical look, "I'll be lying if I said I was. She's my predecessor; it's like she's the wife, and I'm the mistress."
"Hm," Harry mused, "I kissed Daphne last night."
"Strange change of topic, but good for you," Lily said, giving him a side-long look, "In my experience, kissing you leads to somewhere you never intended to go."
"No, it was just a kiss," Harry admitted, "We kind of freaked out when we accidentally used elemental magic, so that put a damper on things."
Lily's eyebrows shot up, "You know what that means?"
"Yeah," Harry said, they finished with the curse, and he leant against the post of the gate for a second, "I know what that means. I just don't know if she will ever be okay with who I am."
Lily finished her part of the spell and looked at Harry, "With you being a Death Eater, you mean?"
Harry shook his head, "It's more than that, I'm not a good person, Lily, and she is. She's…"
"Pure?" Lily finished.
Harry nodded, sighing heavily, "Maybe that's why I screwed around with Reyna. There's this part of my sub-conscience that tells me I don't deserve Daphne. Maybe in another life, where I was the hero who had defeated the Dark Lord, I would. But in this life? This me? Maybe Reyna Rookwood is what I deserve."
"You're selling yourself short and giving Reyna more credit than she's worth," Lily said, smiling slightly at Harry, "I don't know if you believe in soulmates or true love, to be honest, I don't even know if I do. I was never much of a believer in fairytales, even as a kid."
"No, neither was I," Harry admitted.
"I was going to say, if you do believe in that sort of thing, there's the theory that circumstances don't matter. That if two people are meant to find each other, they will – destiny finds a way."
"That sounds like something straight out of the shitty Muggle romance books that Hermione used to read," Harry said, giving her half-hearted smile.
"How's this for a sentiment you can get behind then?" Lily asked, cocking her head at him, "I said the same thing to Tom when he told me that I was different from Bellatrix because I saw him for who he was and stayed for that reason. Not because I sought his power and became obsessed with it."
Harry watched her with interest.
"I told him I stayed because, despite all the evil he saw inside himself, I saw the good," Lily said honestly, "And I told him, if you're going to be bad, be bad with a purpose. Otherwise, you're not worth forgiving."
Harry pondered on that for a minute.
"Everything we are doing, everything he has achieved for wizardkind is his purpose, Harry," Lily said softly, "And it's yours too. Daphne can see that because she's a traditionalist at heart, her entire family are. She knows that you are doing bad things for the right reasons, and that's what makes you worth loving."
Harry smiled properly, "So, you love him, then?"
"Of course I do," Lily replied.
The two of them set off back to the house together.
"Have you told him that?" Harry asked.
Lily gave him a sceptical look, "Of course I haven't."
Harry chuckled and thanked Lily for the advice. Then he frowned as he picked up on Tom's thoughts – Bill had just called him in to see Bellatrix.
"Bill is calling Tom in to see Bellatrix," Harry relayed to Lily, "You had better go with him."
"Why do I always have to be the one to be there for the bad news?" Lily muttered.
"Because I'm pretty sure he's in love with you too," Harry quipped.
Harry and Lily both accompanied Tom into Bellatrix's room, and he didn't stop either of them.
Bill looked sombre when he looked at Tom, and Bellatrix looked worse than she had before. All of the colour had been drained from her face. She looked dead, which was what Harry thought Bill was going to tell them.
"It is not good news, my lord," Bill remarked.
"The curse is an ancient one; its purpose is to drain a person of their life force. It would usually kill a person within the hour, but Bellatrix's condition has extended her lifespan in this instance. The curse focuses on Bellatrix, not the child, so I am afraid that you must make a choice."
Harry's heart skipped a beat because he didn't know what choice Tom would make.
"If…" Bill frowned and struggled to get the words out. Harry supposed it was difficult, what with his wife being pregnant with twins.
"If the child were to stop living, its life force would save Bellatrix from the curse."
Harry looked at Tom; he knew exactly what Bill was saying. Although he was expressionless on the outside, Harry could feel everything that was going on inside - he had stopped caring for Bellatrix, she was insane, he would be doing her a service by mercifully ending her life.
"Or we can deliver the child, but the moment the cord between it and Bellatrix is cut, Bellatrix will die," Bill finished.
With a nod, Tom looked between Bill and Azriel, who had been his assistant.
"Deliver the child."
"Yes, my lord," Azriel replied, "Do you wish to be…present?"
"Of course I do not," Tom replied sharply, "Harry, remain here and supervise the situation. I shall have Narcissa come to assist."
Harry nodded, and the Dark Lord swept out of the room without another word. Lily, of course, followed him.
Bill let out a sigh of relief, "That went better than I expected."
"Don't rule out torture yet," Harry remarked, "He's only behaving himself because its solstice day."
Azriel looked over at Bellatrix, "He must be a little sad to lose her."
"I very much doubt that," Harry said dryly, looking to the door as it snapped open, and Narcissa stepped in. It was clear that she had been crying, but she had glamoured it up rather well. He couldn't imagine what this must be like for her; she had to deliver her niece, knowing that doing so would kill her sister.
"The Dark Lord informed me that this was an urgent matter, so we shall not delay," Narcissa said, doing the best to keep her voice steady.
Harry nodded and placed his hand on her back, "Tell us what you need us to do, and we'll do it," he promised.
Narcissa gave a slight nod, "William, prepare towels and a bath of warm water. Harry, I will need your assistance in delivering the child."
"Do you need me to do anything, Lady Malfoy?" Azriel asked.
Harry answered for Narcissa, "Go and get the house elves to make a pot of strong tea, Az. I think we'll all need it by the time this is over."
Narcissa nodded sombrely in agreement.
The moment Tom shut the door of the parlour, he could feel Lily's eyes on him.
"I am fine, so do not trouble yourself with asking such a redundant question," Tom said. He walked over to the window and looked down at the elves who were working in the garden.
Lily was silent for a moment, "Are you sure? Because she was important to you, important enough to bear you an heir."
"Not by choice," Tom snapped, turning to look at Lily.
Still, Lily did not back down, "Tom. You just signed her death warrant to allow your daughter to be born; you must feel something."
"Nothing beyond irritation at the fact I have lost three followers today," Tom lied, telling himself that this was the reason for his irritation when deep down, he knew that it was much more than that.
Lily scoffed and felt her hands begin to burn as she lost her temper, "Who needs a prophecy to see the future, huh? A friend once told me that if I wanted to see my future, all I had to do was look across the table at Bellatrix at the next Death Eater meeting."
Tom turned around, sensing her anger.
"I laughed it off, but do you know what? She was right," Lily said furiously, "You just burn through us, don't you? And you think I don't know about that, but I do. I'm perceptive, and I listen to what people are saying, the subtext behind their words."
Tom narrowed his eyes at her, "What is the point that you are trying to make?"
Lily looked him dead in the eye, "I know you have a track history with your young followers. Do you not think that people don't talk about me behind my back? That they don't say, I'm falling into your trap just like Bellatrix and Barty Crouch did."
Tom's eyes flashed dangerously, "How dare you-"
"Just tell me if it's true," Lily said, endangering herself because of her fury, "Did you recruit them fresh out of school and sleep with them too?"
Tom looked at her for a long moment, the anger in his eyes abating somewhat. Eventually, he sighed and turned away from her, "Not entirely, Lilith. Bellatrix was 18 when she was marked."
Tom kept his gaze on the darkening sky, "She joined at her parents bequest, and by marriage, I knew that her younger sister would be associated with us too. I did not charm or recruit her into doing my bidding, but she developed feelings for me that at times were almost fanatical. I discouraged them at first, her husband was a loyal follower, and she was duty-bound to give him an heir."
Lily frowned as Tom spoke.
"But sometimes, when my resistance was weak, I would give in to her," he confessed, "And over time, it developed into a rather hedonistic affair. One that her husband was quite aware of but not discouraged by. He married Bellatrix for several reasons, but fondness was never one of them. It was apparent to everyone who knew them that the Lestrange brothers were too interested in each other to care much for anyone else."
Lily made a face at that, "But you were the hedonistic one for having an affair?" she asked in disgust.
"Hm, the things that some pureblood families overlook," Tom agreed thoughtfully, "In any event, after she escaped from Azkaban, Bellatrix's infatuation with me became fanatical, and I did not discourage it."
"Because you like being worshipped, like a god," Lily said under her breath, "Was he fanatical about you too?"
Tom was silent for a moment longer, "Bartemius joined our ranks in the late '70s, but I did not coerce him into doing so either, nor did I have a physical relationship with him."
Tom turned to look at Lily; she saw a mixture of anger and regret in his eyes, "He was 16, just as Harry was when he came to me. Bartemius, not unlike Harry, wanted to prove himself. He wanted to get away from his physically and emotionally abusive father."
Realisation shone in Lily's eyes as Tom explained.
"As I do with Harry, I saw myself in Bartemius, and I grew to care for him in a familial manner," Tom said, his voice quiet, "He knew my greatest secret, he knew how to bring me back should I die and after I was defeated in 1981, he was the only one who looked for me."
Lily nodded, "You loved him like a son?"
Tom frowned at the word 'love', and remained silent for a long moment. Eventually, he sighed and murmured, "Perhaps I did. But I try not to think about him too often because, in the end, his blind loyalty and love for me got him nothing more than an awful death."
"That's why you're so hard on Harry," Lily realised, "Because you don't want to make the same mistakes with him that you did with Barty."
Tom didn't confirm or deny it with words. He just swallowed and looked away from Lily.
"You should maybe think about telling Harry that one day, you know," Lily said.
Still, Tom said nothing.
With a sigh and an irritated shake of her head, Lily spoke quietly, "Either way, it's a pretty clear pattern. The people who love you don't get happy endings. You just leave us behind or let us die for you. Is that what you're going to do to me?"
"No," Tom replied quickly, too quickly, rashly almost.
He turned to look at her, and Lily met his eye. Despite her best judgement, she believed him.
"Never to you."
Lily wanted to curse him, to hit him, to scream at him that he didn't make any sense to her. But what she did instead was kiss him. He must have seen it coming because Tom moved his hands up to cup her face almost instantly. He was taller than her, so when they kissed, Lily always had to push herself up onto her tiptoes, a fact that Tom found endearing, even if he would never say that aloud.
The things he had felt for other lovers were fleeting or superficial – lust, desire, feral needs that had to be satisfied – but with Lily? Tom felt emotional. He felt sentimental, and as much as he hated it, he also cherished it. The tiny human things he had thought didn't matter did matter, and he knew that because of her.
Lily broke the kiss and rested her head against his chest. They stood like that for a long time, not exchanging any words.
Eventually, Tom moved to the other side of the room and poured out two glasses of firewhiskey. He handed one to Lily and sat down in an armchair in front of the fire.
Lily sat down opposite him, so close that their knees were touching, and Tom didn't move away. He reached over and took her hand; she gave him a small smile and prodded at the sensitive subject once more.
"This little girl is going to need a name, you know?"
Tom looked into the depths of his firewhiskey, "Hm."
Lily thought he would leave the subject there, but he looked up at her and asked, "Any ideas?"
She was surprised that her input mattered to him, but Lily thought about it for a few minutes then replied, "The Blacks like names associated with the stars so you could always go down that route…Cassiopeia, perhaps?"
"Northern Star," Tom mused, looking out at the darkening sky, "Perhaps."
"Or you could go with a snake-themed name because of the Slytherin descendency," Lily added, "Belinda, or Tanith?"
Tom said nothing.
"I suppose a family name is out of the question," Lily said.
Tom gave her a long look that said, 'Really?' without any actual words being exchanged.
"Not even Merope, for your mother?"
"No," Tom said sharply, "I hated my Muggle father for abandoning her, but I hated her just as much for duping him with a love potion and creating me. Had she survived my birth, I would have killed her when I killed my filthy muggle family."
Lily bit her lip and looked at Tom, "You talk about Harry drowning in his self-loathing a lot, but you never talk about yourself. You hate your very existence, Tom."
Tom's temper flared up, "I am a child born of rape and abuse!"
"So am I!" Lily snapped, her eyes on his once more, "But I don't hate myself for being born."
Tom put his glass down with such force that it shattered. Then he got to his feet and towered over Lily; she usually let it slide when he lost his temper like that, but this time, she flinched.
With a nasty laugh and a shake of his head, Tom asked, "Are you scared of me?"
"No," Lily replied honestly. She pushed herself to her feet and forced herself to look him in the eye, "I'm not scared of you, Tom, but I am scared of your anger."
The comment hit home, and the anger faded from Tom's eyes. He cleaned up the glass and spilt drink with a flick of his wrist and looked into the fire.
"I had hoped that your daughter might calm that rage," Lily confessed, "That she might give you something to live for, that she might heal your soul."
Tom frowned as a thought began to whir in his head, "Healing…"
Lily looked at him strangely, "What?"
"Amalthea," Tom said slowly, testing the name on his lips, "Amalthea, from Greek Mythology, a tender goddess who heals."
Lily smiled, "Amalthea Peverell."
Tom did not smile; he was still deep in thought.
"Why not give her Bellatrix as a middle name in honour of her mother?" Lily asked.
Tom shook his head, "No. She is born on the day of the solstice, Lilith. That is a gift, and her magic will be powerful…"
"Just like her fathers then," Lily said softly.
Tom looked up at Lily, and she didn't imagine the emotion that she saw in his eyes. She knew love when she saw it because she saw it so goddamn rarely. Tom would never admit that it was love, though, he would call it kindness or fondness.
"Amalthea Noelle Peverell," Tom said, with a note of finality, "So that she always remembers the significance of her birth date."
Lily took a step forward and wrapped her arms around Tom. He often proclaimed he detested hugs and had never hugged her back, not until that moment when he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.
This was how Harry found them five minutes later when he popped his head around the door to say, "Congratulations, Tom. You have an heir."
Tom didn't seem to know how to respond to that piece of information, so Lily smiled slightly and took his hand, "Come on, you had best come and meet your daughter."
The mood in Bellatrix's bedroom was strange. Narcissa held a baby and had tears rolling down her cheeks, whether they were sad or happy, nobody knew. She had pulled a sheet up to cover her sister's body, and Bill looked as sombre as Narcissa about the entire affair.
As such, Harry wasn't surprised that he made an excuse to leave. He probably wanted to be with Fleur after the events of the afternoon.
The baby in Narcissa's arms was tiny because the curse had forced her to be born prematurely. Tom looked at her but said nothing, and Harry could feel the Dark Lords inner torment. He had no idea what to feel or what to say.
"She's a little weak," Harry explained, "She was born three weeks early, so it might take her a month or so to catch up growth-wise, but she's healthy."
The baby had wispy, silvery hair, and she was wrapped up in a pink, knitted blanket in her aunt's arms.
Narcissa cleared her throat, "I should…I should attend to my sister's body, my lord."
Her voice cracked, and the Dark Lord nodded, "Of course, Narcissa."
Narcissa handed the baby to Harry, then vanished Bellatrix's body from the room and left swiftly afterwards, sniffling as she did so.
Harry looked up at Tom and Lily, "Do you know if Bellatrix had a name in mind for her?"
"She has a name," Tom said, taking a step closer to the sleeping girl.
"Amalthea," Lily added for Harry's benefit.
Harry smiled, "Like the star? For her Black heritage, that's a nice touch."
Tom could not tear his eyes away from the little girl, and Harry wanted to hand the baby to him, but he wasn't sure how the Dark Lord would take that.
"Amalthea Peverell," Harry said aloud.
"Amalthea Noelle Peverell," Tom corrected, "She came into this world in midwinter. That ought to be reflected in her name."
Harry smiled, "It's reflected in her hair – silver hair, Tom, that's so rare, and it's a sure-fire sign that she's going to be as powerful as you."
Tom nodded, his eyes still on the baby girl.
Harry held her out to Tom, "She's your daughter, Tom. You should hold her."
Tom looked uncomfortable at the very idea, but Lily steered him back into an armchair and nodded at Harry.
Harry placed the baby girl in his arms, "Just keep your arm behind her head like – yeah, see, you've got it."
Tom looked up at Harry irritably, "I am far older than you, Harry. I do not appreciate being spoken to like a child."
"Have you ever held a baby before?" Harry quipped.
Tom faltered on that then admitted, "No."
"My point exactly," Harry said with a slight smile, "But I apologise if I was condescending, my lord."
Tom looked down at Amalthea once more, and Harry pulled Lily onto the other side of the room to give him a moment alone with his daughter.
"Is Narcissa okay?" Lily asked in a whisper.
Harry shook his head, "No, she's not. But I think between Lucius and Draco; she will be."
Lily looked over at Tom, who was speaking in undertones to his daughter. Lily had no idea what he was saying, but Tom's mind was wide open because he was feeling emotional, so Harry could easily tap into his thoughts.
All those who have loved me have either died or lived to regret it. But know this, Amalthea, I will do right by you.
Harry couldn't help the small smile that came to his face, "I wonder how much longer he will deny that he can love, now that he has her," he murmured to Lily.
Lily shook her head, her eyes also on Tom, "He doesn't understand yet, but I think he is beginning to. It's not that he can't love. It's that he's afraid to."
Harry didn't think truer words had ever been spoken, so he responded with a single nod.
Like Lily, he was unable to tear his eyes away from the simple scene – Tom Riddle, the Darkest Wizard who had ever lived - speaking softly to his infant daughter. There was something pure about it, something that made Harry believe more fervently than ever that his soul could still be saved and that Harry had made the right choice in joining him.
* TBC *