A/N: Thank you for the lovely reviews I got for yesterday's chapter, I'm so glad there are people enjoying reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. I will certainly keep going.

Also, I'll be uploading a little oneshot probably tomorrow some time if you want to give it a read :)

Chapter 42

"We don't know what to call him," Morgana was sitting in the big, soft armchair in her front room, cradling her new baby to her chest. He was still tiny, so tiny that it was probably possible to hold him in one hand. Not that anyone would. As far as they were all concerned, the baby was the most precious thing in the entire world. He was treasured and cared for and spoilt.

"Do you have any ideas?"

"We're trying to choose between Alfie and Noah but Leon thinks if we like them both equally then neither of them can be perfect. He says we'd know for definite which one it should be if it was right."

"I'm so glad I was never given that responsibility. Naming a child."

"You and Merlin would be great parents."

"Stop it. You know why we can't and we're perfectly happy as things are. Looking after your kids or anyone else's when they need. But not full time, we can't do full time."

"Not even now everything's calmed down?"

"Things will never calm down."

"But Merlin doesn't get in half as much trouble anymore."

"Remember after Agravaine was sentenced and there were those four or five years while the kids were little and everything was fine? Years, Morgs, where the worst we got was a papercut? Then the ferry trip kicked everything off again. That's why the two of us appreciate each day individually instead of assuming once we get two seconds without Merlin being hospitalised that we'll be safe forever."

Morgana sighed, "Leon will be back soon. We should make lunch."

"I should make lunch," Arthur corrected, "You can sit somewhere calmly and watch. Here," he held his arms out and Morgana handed him the baby. Arthur carried him over to the crib in the corner of the room and placed him down carefully. He waited until he'd settled and then returned to Morgana and helped her stand up.

They made their way into the kitchen and Arthur started collecting some ingredients for lunch.

"Belle and Luke want to try again at making me some soup," Morgana said with an affectionate smile, "Could you or Merlin supervise? They won't let me."

"Of course."

He and Morgana were at the house with only the baby. Leon had gone to the shops and taken Belle and Luke with him to give Morgana some peace. Arthur was there to keep her company because Merlin was at work and he'd been home alone for the past few days. It was the middle of the summer holidays and having the kids home all day every day was difficult with Morgana still recovering and the baby needing so much care.

"Merlin's off on Friday," Arthur said, "And the kids will be off school, obviously. We can come over for lunch, they can cook then."

"Sure. That'd be nice. You had a check up the other day, right? How'd it go?"

"Perfect. I'm cleared to drive and work after two more weeks. Still no gym or strenuous exercise for a while yet, though."

"That's good."

"Yeah. Who'd have thought it'd take so long for me to get back to normal? It's been what- half a year? And I still feel like crap every time I walk up the stairs."

"You realise you were shot in the heart, right? In the heart. And you were unconscious for like two months."

"Yeah. I was there."

Morgana snorted, "You're getting there, Arthur. Be patient. How're Hunith and Freya and everyone?"

"Merlin called them last night. They're doing ok. Hunith's getting worse, though. She can't stand on her own anymore and she's developed a tremor in her hand. It broke her heart when she realised she couldn't hold the twins anymore."

"How's Merlin?"

"Pretending it isn't happening. It'll all crash down at some point but he's coping for now. Says he wants to be here for me and you and the baby and work."

"That's not healthy."

"Merlin and healthy don't ever go in the same sentence," Arthur reminded her, "We'll deal with it when we have the time and emotional capacity to deal with it."

"Gwen and Lance have offered thousands of times to stay with us if you two need the time or space. You're not obliged to be here."

"You're my sister, Morgs."

"And Freya's Merlin's," Morgana reminded him, "They don't have anyone there. It's only the three of them there. There are ten of us here."

"We're dealing with it," Arthur promised, "Besides, we told Belle and Luke we'd be here until things are back to normal. They were really scared about the change and now they trust us to stay."

"Ok. But if you need to go, then go."

"We will. Now, where on earth do you keep your lettuce?"

"I miss you at work," Merlin said as they were walking home that evening, "The office feels so empty."

"Two weeks. That's all," Arthur squeezed Merlin's hand, "Two more weeks. You've only been back a few days."

"It just feels so different without you there."

"Sap."

Merlin rolled his eyes.

"What's the matter?" Arthur sensed Merlin being slightly reserved.

"It's just strange that so much is going on but we're not the ones in danger," Merlin joked.

"And seriously?"

"Mum's dying. She's becoming less and less like herself and eventually she'll die. And there's nothing anyone can do to bring her back."

"Is that why you're throwing everything into work and helping Morgana?"

"What do you mean?"

"So that you're too busy to think about your mum," Arthur specified.

"A bit. There's a lot going on, Arthur, it's hard to keep up."

Arthur kissed his cheek, "Then I call for a lazy evening with a takeaway and an early night with lots of cuddles."

"Couldn't agree more."

It was a tough couple of weeks after that. It was clear that the baby wasn't as healthy as he should have been at two months post-partum. Obviously that had been expected but that didn't make it easier to deal with. They'd been told that the baby's brain wasn't developed properly and it meant he was deaf and blind on his left side. There was no way for them to know how much he could see or hear at all.

And, on top of that, Merlin was constantly worried about his mother in Ireland. He called Freya twice a day and was always checking his phone for texts. Arthur didn't' know what to do. He could comfort Merlin to no end but that didn't change the fact his mother was going to die. It was a stressful and devastating situation because there was literally no way for it to turn out well. When Hunith died it would destroy Merlin. Undeniably. And Arthur wasn't quite sure he'd know how to deal with it.

On Arthur's third day back at work, the office was quiet. It was the first day back at school so most of the parents were dealing with stroppy children. It was Elyan's day off, so obviously he wasn't there, meaning only Merlin, Arthur and Eoghan were in the building before lunch. And when everyone else did start to arrive, Morgana and Leon were with them, carrying their baby with them.

"We want to tell baby's name," Leon said, "Someone get on the phone to Elyan."

While Gwen called her brother, Arthur approached his sister and gently lifted his nephew out of his carry-case. As always when someone touched him, he squirmed a little. The doctors said it was something about him being over-sensitive to touch because of his impairment with sight and hearing.

"Hey buddy, don't worry. It's me, your Uncle Arthur. Yeah, that's right, it's ok." The baby settled in Arthur's arms. "That's better," Arthur slowly pressed his nose to the baby's and rubbed them together a bit.

Morgana handed him a small soft toy, "Here, he likes this. It's a good texture for him, apparently."

Arthur smiled and took it. He took the baby's hand and curled his tiny fingers around the toy.

"I've got Elyan," Gwen called, "Go ahead."

Leon took the baby off Arthur, "Everyone, this is Benjamin. Or as we call him more often, Benny."

It was like they were all meeting him for the first time. There was gushing and cuddling and, unsurprisingly, tears from Benjamin at all the sudden noise and stimuli.

"Let me?" Merlin asked, holding his arms out. Leon handed Benjamin over and Merlin ducked out of the room. He took the baby outside to the tiny, pathetic garden they had at the back of the office. There were a couple of trees, a bench, some bird feeders and a manky pond.

"Come on, calm down," Merlin held the baby on his shoulder and rubbed his back gently, "Shush, come on now, please, Benny." He continued to hush him comfortingly until Benjamin was quiet so Merlin could change the way he was holding him and cradle him instead. "That's it. There's no need to be so loud, it's ok. Oh, this must be so scary for you, not understanding what's going on. It's alright, though. You have the best family in the world around you and that best family in world do the best job in the world. And that means we're going to look after you better than anyone else possibly could. You're going to grow up at school being different to everyone else. But with us, you'll never feel like that. I can promise that because I know. They might fuss over you, in fact, they'll definitely fuss over you," he chuckled a little bit, "But they're the most loving people you'll ever meet. And even when they fuss, it's really not that bad. There are ten grown ups ready to protect you with their lives at any second and at least eight other kids who'll be by your side through everything. That's a lot of people the have your back if you ever need.

"And I'll tell you what, your big sister, well, you're lucky, Benjamin. She's brilliant. I mean, he asks a lot of questions, a lot. But that's because she wants to understand because she cares so much. And your brother, Luke, he pays so much attention to everything that goes on around him. He watches and he listens. He knows more sign language than any of the other kids already and he's one of the youngest.

"Anyway, I'm only saying this because I know what it's like to be different. The struggle with disabilities. No one's going to pretend it won't be hard. But listen, the second you think about the family you're a part of, it doesn't feel so bad. And once you've had a cuddle and a talk with someone, it's like nothing was ever bothering you at all.

"I know you don't understand me. You might not even be able to hear me at all. Still, you need to know. And if I have to tell you again, or sign it to you when you're older, or even write it out and stick it in your room, I will. It's all true, and I wish I'd had someone to tell me. So I'm going to tell you and keep telling you until I can't tell you anymore."

Benjamin looked up at him with wide, intelligent eyes and Merlin smiled. It was hard to believe he couldn't see out of one of them. They were both so bright and clear and observant. Merlin stroked Benjamin's cheek with his finger carefully. He sat for a few minutes before worrying about the hot summer sun on Benjamin's bare face and taking him back inside. Everyone was still chatting inside so it was easy for him to slip into the office and put Benjamin back in his seat.

"I don't know what to do, Arthur."

"What do you mean?"

"If we go to Ireland as see mum, I'll have to watch her die and it'll be awful. But if we stay here, the last time I'd have seen her is what, over a year ago? And then I'll regret not being there for her."

"Honestly," Arthur advised, sitting beside Merlin on the seating around their fire outside, "I think we should go. I think it's important for us to be there for your mum and for Freya. I know it's going to be so difficult, Merls, I really do. But your mum only has a few months at most and she's been there for us through everything. Let's go and make some nice memories with her that we can hold onto forever."

Merlin nodded, "You'll come too?"

"Of course I will! It'll be ok, gorgeous."

"We were going to go soon anyway for, erm- for-"

"I know."

The anniversary of Will's death was coming up so they would have been going to Ireland to visit anyway.

"How about we go when we were planning to anyway and just stay as long as we're needed?" Arthur suggested, "We can work from Ismere."

"Ok."

Arthur hugged him and held him tightly, "It's going to be ok."

Merlin said nothing. All he did was stand and leave the room without a word.

A few weeks later, Morgana approached Arthur at work, "A word?" She'd been back at work for about a week part-time and they brought Benjamin with them every day.

Arthur stood up and followed Morgana into the kitchen space. She chased Lancelot out the room and sat down at the bench, "What's going on with Merlin?"

Arthur sighed, "We decided we're going to Ireland next month. He's struggling."

"How so?"

"Hunith's dying, Morgs. I don't know how he's going to cope with that. And we've decided we're going to spend her last few months there with her. He's going to watch his mother die. And Hunith's been there through everything for him. To lose her like this… neither of us are prepared."

"Have you talked to him?"

"No. He won't speak to me. From the second he gets home, he goes straight to the piano and stays there until dinner. And if I even try to bring it up at meals or in bed, he deflects it immediately and changes the subject."

"Don't let him."

"Morgs, it hurts him. Surely you can see it- his eyes are so sad now. He's already struggling and Hunith's still alive. Just the thought of her death is tearing him apart and-" he sighed, "I don't know what to do. He's only going to get worse before we leave and once we're there, to see her the way Freya's said she is and then deal with her death. When his dad died, he had no one. He watched his father die in his arms and then came straight back to work and he didn't say a word to anyone. He left his family in Ireland to come back to work for me. I'm not going to let him go through this alone."

"He's not alone."

"It doesn't feel real."

"Do you want us to come for extra support?"

"You and Benjamin can't fly," Arthur reminded her.

Morgana sighed, "I'm so sorry, Arthur. It's horrible for all of us."

"I'm really scared. I know exactly what's coming and I don't know how to deal with it."

Morgana got up and hugged her brother, "It'll be ok. Come to ours for dinner," she suggested, "Merlin's really good with Benny, it might cheer him up."

"I'll try and convince him."

"When was the last time he saw his therapist?"

"No idea. Few weeks ago, maybe?"

"Take him before you go to Ireland."

Arthur nodded, "He doesn't speak to me, he might speak to a therapist."

"Good." Morgana hugged him, "I really am sorry, Arthur."

Before they went to bed that night, Arthur called Freya privately. Merlin had taken the dogs into the back garden and was waiting while they finished their business for the night.

"Arthur, how're you doing?"

"We've been better," Arthur admitted.

"He still won't speak to you?"

"Not a peep."

"Have you booked the ferry?"

"We're doing it tomorrow."

"Come before his nightmares start," Freya suggested, "We'll help you through it. And it means he won't be travelling in the middle of it."

"That's a good idea."

Arthur turned around at Merlin's voice. He was standing in the doorway with his eyebrow raised. "Merlin!"

"Don't stop talking on my account," Merlin rolled his eyes, "Please, continue talking about me."

"Merlin."

"I'll lock up."

Arthur sighed, "Sorry, Freya."

"Don't worry. Oh, what a mess, right?"

"Yeah."

"Just call me tomorrow, let me know what you're doing."

"Talk to you tomorrow."

When Merlin reappeared to go to bed, Arthur was already tucked up under the covers. Merlin went through the bathroom and got changed silently and then got into bed and took Arthur's hand. "I know you were talking about me with Morgana earlier at work."

"Merli-"

"I'm sorry, Arthur."

"What?"

"I didn't give you another choice. I wouldn't talk to you. I don't want to make excuses, you know it's hard. I'm sorry."

Arthur wrapped his arm around Merlin's shoulders and kissed his temple. "We're worried about you."

"And I'm worried about mum."

"There's nothing you can do, gorgeous."

"That doesn't make it better," a tear slipped from Merlin's eye, "I want her to be here forever, Arthur. I want her to stay until it's me who's gone. I don't want to bury my mother."

He sobbed into Arthur's shoulder for a good half hour before Arthur lifted Merlin's chin and looked at him, "I want to take you somewhere tomorrow. It might help."

Merlin nodded, "I'm so scared, Arthur."

"I know, gorgeous, I know."

The next morning, they were up early and in the car with the dogs in the back.

"Where are we going?"

"The graveyard."

"What?"

"We're going to my dad's grave."

"Arthur- why?"

"I want to talk to you."

Merlin sighed and turned to look out the window for the rest of the car ride.

The pair of them held hands as they walked up the rows of graves until they reached the one labelled with Uther's name. Arthur took a shaky breath and turned his head away, "Sorry," he choked as he swallowed back his emotions.

Merlin wrapped his arm around Arthur's waist and pulled him in closer.

Arthur let out a breath and said, "My father's remains are underneath our feet. His bones. He was an awful father, to begin with. Truly awful. If it hadn't been for you, I'd be just like him. But that's not the point. When I needed him, he was there. He changed for me and he was better than I ever could have hoped. You know what I was like when he died. It was so sudden and we'd just had an amazing time away to come back to the news he was dead. I didn't get to say goodbye, I couldn't thank him. It was awful.

"What's happening with your mum is very different. We know what's coming, we can go and spend time with her, we can at least try to be prepared. I'm not saying that makes it easier than it was for me to go through dad's death. I'm more than aware it's not. But you helped me through losing my dad and I swear to god, I'm going to help you through this. I promise, Merlin."

Merlin nodded and hugged Arthur.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

They stood together for a moment before Arthur kissed Merlin's cheek, "Can I have a minute?"

"Of course." Merlin made his way through the graveyard to where Gaius was buried. It felt a bit stupid to talk but he did anyway, "This is the first time I've been here since the funeral. Sorry about that. Erm- Arthur said you'd promised us peace. That hasn't quiet happened yet, I'm afraid. Mum's dying. She might not make it to Christmas. I'm not sure how to deal with that. Just, erm, look after her please. Whatever happens after death, I like to hope you're with dad and Will. And Uther, actually. Everything's going to get really different pretty soon. I won't have any parental figures to help me through it.

"Arthur reckons it's better to be prepared. He thinks because we know what's coming it'll be easier, we've accepted it. But he can't know that for sure. You and Will and dad and Uther, you were all gone so suddenly. We had to get through the shock and the grief. But with this it's like we've already been grieving for months and then we'll have to go through it another time. I suppose it's part of growing up, isn't it? Everyone dies at some point, right?

"I miss you, Gaius. I miss everyone. I don't think I'm ready to miss more people."

"Ready to go?" Arthur approached him and asked gently.

"Yeah."

"Did I help?" Arthur asked.

"Yeah."

"Can you say anything other than 'yeah'?"

"Yeah."

Arthur rolled his eyes, "Come on, let's walk these doggies."