POV: Jordan
"Hey," I said, standing meekly in the hospital room. What was I even doing here? Why did I force myself into thinking he would go out with me?!
Alex looked up at me, his eyes seeming more grey-more dark and hollow. They were sunken in, like he hadn't got much sleep, and his posture was tired, almost lifeless. Maybe coming here wasn't the best idea, he looked horrible, almost like when I saw him in the hospital. Was his fur getting darker? Or was it just me?
"Hey," he said, his voice weak and soft. I shifted my eyes to the bandages on his arms, I wondered if that wound would ever heal.
Ever since finding him in the bathroom, my mind was poisoned with images of him lying on the floor. I couldn't look at a bathroom the same, and complete silence brought panic into my body. I've had trouble sleeping because every time I closed my eyes, I saw him dead. It'll go away on its own , I would tell myself, but it's been getting worse.
He stood up, his body loose and worn. His eyes were vacant of emotion, nothing tethering him to this earth. His clothes were the only nice thing about him, a blue polo and grey jeans. The perfect outfit for what I wanted to do, but thinking about it more left me feeling guilty for even being here. You could see the damage in his body, it wasn't subtle anymore, it radiated out of his body into the air.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, his eyes looking towards me, causing everything in my body to freeze.
"Oh-I-I was just wondering if you-you know-"
Alex covered his ears, his claws finally growing back in. "Stop, I can't understand anything you're saying."
I tightened my grip around my little dinky purse, it was stupid to be here, stupid to think he actually loved me. "R-right, I'll just…" I headed for the door, but he stopped me by grabbing my arm and pulling me into a hug. He was so warm, so comfortable, I just wanted to stay wrapped in his arms. He smelled like a dog, but I was beginning to like the smell a little bit more. He pulled away, and I could've sworn there were tears in his eyes. I didn't want to see him sad ever again, but just as quickly they appeared, they vanished.
His voice lifted a bit and a small smile came across his face. "Anyway, what are you doing here? And all dressed up like that?" I looked down at my outfit, and twirled around, forgetting then remembering why I was even there in the first place.
"Oh, right. Well I asked Dr. Sherman if it was alright for you to...you know...leave the hospital." His eyebrows creased and he looked towards the door. "Well, obviously not until you're better. I just wanted to see if you wanted to grab dinner."
This was my chance to really tell him how I felt. I didn't care if he looked like a bag of trash that just went through the garbage truck a couple of times, I just wanted him to be with me. It was selfish, I know, but what else was I supposed to do? Dinner was the only thought that came to my mind when I thought about coming to see him. I told myself it was a date, a date in all its glory. But he wouldn't know that, he wouldn't know anything.
"Dinner?" he said scratching the back of his head. "Sure, let me just find some nicer clothes."
"What you're wearing is fine," I said, the emotional on scars on him fading out of view, fading into the Alex I knew him to be.
He rolled his eyes playfully. "I'm sure I have something nicer, gotta match you, right?"
"R-right," I stammered.
God damnit Jordan, COME ON, YOU'VE NEVER ACTED LIKE THIS BEFORE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
He dug through his clothes while I stood awkwardly watching him. Each time he ran a hand through his fur, each time his ears folded over, all of it sent me over the moon. Even in his broken state, he still looked like the wolf I've loved for so long.
"Well, this isn't really any better, is it?" he said, showing me a pair of khaki pants.
"I seriously think what you have on is fine," I said, suppressing a laugh. He tugged at the hem of his shirt and shrugged.
"Alright, where are we going?"
Shit, I haven't thought that far ahead.
"Do you have any suggestions?" I said.
"Hm...I don't really know the area, so, I'll guess we'll just walk around till we find something, the city isn't that far away, maybe a ten minute walk."
"Ok."
We walked out of the room together, him in his blue polo and me in my date-like attire. His tail was swaying behind him, at least he was happy to be with me, that was a good sign.
We escaped the hospital, breathing in the fresh night air. It was cold...like always, but I was fine with it. Alex didn't look too disturbed by it, he hasn't really talked to me much as we walked through the hospitals halls, passing nurses stations and being stopped by a grey wolf who gave us a tiny smile and went on her way.
"Your parents are ok with this?" I said as we walked along the sidewalk, cars passing us and street lamps flickering on from the waning sunlight.
"I don't think they would mind it since I'm out with you."
That comment made heat rise in my body and I grabbed his hand, feeling its warmth and soft fur. My tail flicked in the air as more cars passed us, the city's lights growing ever closer, glowing ever brighter.
My eyes glossed over the bandages on his arms, I had completely forgotten about them, and I wondered if he was self-conscious about them. "Hey, are you sure you're ok going out with those on?" He looked down at the bandages, our hands still intertwined, then he shrugged his shoulders.
"I'm not supposed to take them off. If anyone asks, I'll just say I fell or something."
"But they're on each of your arms."
He looked down at me with his dark sunken eyes. "Don't worry about it." I knew I shouldn't say anything about his situation. I remember seeing in a PowerPoint that pointing out their physical deterioration just made them feel worse. So I stayed silent, wondering if he looked into the mirror and saw the changes.
We walked over a bridge with a calm stream of water underneath and past small suburbs until we reached the inner city with its neon lights and bustling streets. Birds flew past skyscrapers, landing in together with their flocks. Animals of all shapes and sizes walked past us, never paying any attention to our hands clasped together. "Where do you want to go?" Alex asked.
Doesn't matter, as long as I'm with you.
My ears turned to the slight whispers of animals around us, everyone was looking at Alex. "Um...maybe the place over there? I said nudging him away from the stares and comments of everyone, he didn't seem to notice. I didn't really have a place in mind, I just wanted to get him away from this place. Coming to the city was a bad idea, and I was beginning to have second thoughts, but that's when he looked towards me and smiled.
"There's a place over there, I have my parents credit card, so price shouldn't be an issue."
I looked where his eyes were looking, it was a pretty fancy restaurant. "Are you sure? I mean I don't really-"
"You got me out of the hospital, paying for your food is the least I could do."
"No really! You don't have to do that Alex, let's find some place cheaper." I tried to pull him away, but he was fixated on that one place, and I reluctantly followed.
The inside was colored a deep red and tables had white cloths covering them. We walked up the stairs and ended up on the rooftop. We sat down together, neither of us were expecting the amount of glamor the place had, and we ended up giggling to each other while digging our noses in the menu.
"I told us not to come here!" I said, self-conscious from how we looked compared to everyone else who just looked like they got out of a wedding.
"Yeah," Alex said. "But just look at the view." True, when I turned my head, you could see purples mixed into the auburn sky. You could see the tops of skyscrapers, and office workers working diligently in their cubicles. I could see the hospital in the distance and car horns blared through the streets below us. Lights from the restaurant illuminated our tiny area, it was almost surreal, like we were having dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.
I'd rather look at you.
I wondered what he was thinking when he took a drink from his cup, when he looked at the menu, then back to me. When he ordered our food and smiled towards the waiter, when he accidentally kicked me underneath the table. I couldn't stop staring at him, I made small conversation just to keep the façade up, but everything was locked onto his eyes. I could feel my tail curl around my legs and tighten when he spoke to me. There were a couple of loud female coyotes to the right of us, but I blocked them out, even if their cackles were almost witch-like.
Alex rested his elbows on the table, balancing his head on his hands. "So, how's school been?"
Anxiety rose in my voice. "Oh where do I start. I think Steven already told you, but I'm running for Student Council president. Brittney hasn't found out yet, so we'll see how that goes."
"Whoa, how did that happen?" Surprise lit up in his eyes, brightening them just a little bit, but just enough.
I rested my hand on my cheek, looking off to the side. "Well, you know, I can be very... persuasive. " Alex nodded his head in agreement. "Oooh you weren't supposed to do that!" I said with a sly smile.
He smiled and sighed. "Well, sounds more interesting than the hospital room I'm trapped in. Oh, I never thanked you for finding me in the bathroom...thanks," he said with a slight head tilt.
I looked down at the table, all happiness vanishing from my body, replaced with visions of the bathroom. "Yeah…no problem."
"Oh, I guess I just killed the mood, sorry about that."
I warded off the visions with a hand wave and hid my other shaking hand under my thigh. "It's fine, just something I don't like to think about. Anyway, how long are you gonna be in the hospital?"
It was his turn to roll his eyes. "I'm supposed to be in there until winter break, but if I don't get better by then, I'll have to stay for longer."
"Damn, so you won't be coming back?"
He sighed. "Most likely not."
"Well, I miss you, if that counts for anything."
"Thanks Jordan, at least I have you." His response seemed genuine and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I took a sip of my water, the coyote ladies had finally left, and it was just silence. The two of us on the rooftop of a restaurant, talking about school. It was perfect, almost a little too perfect.
Our food finally arrived, but I was too busy staring at him to eat, to even smell the food. Eventually I snapped out of it, our eyes kept meeting like we were passing notes in secrecy. I tried to strike up another conversation, but food spilled out of my mouth and Alex covered his mouth to prevent the same disaster.
"Are you ok?" he said in between laughs. I laid my head on the table from embarrassment, only me, Jordan Anderson, could embarrass herself so much in front of her crush.
"I'm fine," I groaned.
We finished our food, countering each other's quick remarks, and laughing loud on the empty rooftop. The time just seemed to fly by, neither of us really paying attention to the texts that had begun to pile up on our phones. Each time it dinged, I would just take a quick check of the time and put it away. But I wasn't really looking at the time, I was just doing it for some unknown reason, like my brain was programmed just to look at it. I expected this kind of behavior from canines, but not felines.
Alex's ears perked up and he looked at his phone. "Shit," he mumbled. "Jordan it's midnight, we should probably head back."
I looked at my phone, seeing all the texts from Mom and my roommates. "Crap...ok, well at least it's not a long walk back."
We got up to leave, walking through the city memorized by the lights. We went over the bridge and underneath street lamps, seeing the hospital peak over the hill it sat on. There were a couple police cars in the parking lot, dogs of each species were outside talking to animals.
As we got closer, I could see Alex's mom approach us, then burst into a sprint.
"Alex!" she said, running into him and hugging him.
"Mom? What's wrong?"
She looked up at him, clearly angry. "You, you idiot! We thought you ran away! You didn't answer our calls, you didn't respond to our texts!" she looked over to me and smiled. "Hi Jordan, how are you doing?" I smiled in response and she continued her lecture towards Alex, I couldn't help but stifle some giggles. He rolled his eyes towards his mom and the police were called off. His mom gave him a kiss on the forehead, he had to bend down for her to do it, and she waved goodbye to us.
"Wow," I said elbowing his side. "You must be really popular with law enforcement."
"Its my mom. Every time she can't get a hold of me, she thinks I've killed myself, or whatever."
"Well, you can't blame her, she's just worried for you, she is your mom after all."
He sighed and we walked away from the hospital, sitting on the grassy hill overlooking the city. "I know, but I just wish she would leave me alone. I don't think I'm going to hurt myself anymore...well, I don't know."
Now was the time, now was the time to tell him how I felt. I've waited so long, there was never going to be the perfect moment, it was never going to happen if I didn't say it right now. All the pining, all the anticipation, it all led up to this. This one moment that I've spent forever pondering over, this one moment where each time I had talked myself down. Well not anymore, I wasn't confident, but it had to be said, I needed to say it.
These are the words I held back, these are the words I've wanted to say forever.
Please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting for you.
The night was sparkling, everything about it was perfect, perfect in my head. I wondered if he already knew, if him agreeing to the "date" was his way of saying he liked me back. It had to be, it needed to be. He had sent so many mixed signals, but this one was crystal clear.
I took a deep breath, grabbing his hand as we sat together. He didn't seem phased, so I scooted closer.
It was enchanting to meet you.
The sky looked down on us, a clear midnight sky, stars scattered throughout. I loved every moment of it.
"Hey Alex?"
"What's up?" he said, wind blowing through his fur.
My heart started to race, and emotions coursed through my veins. The world became blurry from tears and I laid my head on his shoulder. "Why are you crying?" he said with a forced laugh.
I held it in as much as I could, but the tears spilled out and I buried my face in his chest. I thought he was going to move away from me, leave me crying alone. But he didn't, he wrapped an arm around me and whispered stuff into my ear. I couldn't hear him, I was too busy sobbing into my crush's chest, just like I had done when I saw him on the floor, just like I had done when I saw him in the hospital, wires attached and all. Was I crying from the thought of telling how I felt? Or the thought of seeing him on the floor again. I couldn't tell, and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking.
"I can't take it anymore!" I yelled into the darkness. "Alex." I swallowed hard, looking into his sunken grey eyes, his dark fur, everything about him that I loved. He may have been broken on the inside, but I still cared for him, I still wanted him by my side.
"I love you," I whispered.
I had done it, but I didn't feel relieved, I felt worse because the way he looked at me, he didn't reciprocate those feelings. I could tell from how his face stayed neutral, only his eyes telling me the true extent of how he felt. He sympathized, but he didn't feel the same way.
And it crushed me.
But then he caught me off guard. "I love you too," he said back, hugging me tighter.
Even if he was faking it, even if he didn't love me back. In that moment, I felt like he did, and I felt comfortable in his arms. I felt comfortable everywhere. The thoughts of him still in the bathroom clouded my mind, seeing him dead on the floor brought so much pain into my heart. Pain that I used to change the school, even if it was just for a little while. I knew these feelings wouldn't last much longer, so I did whatever I could to keep them.
Alex comforted me for a while, and he called Mom to come pick me up. I saw her red car pull up and I left his warm embrace, tears still pouring out of my face.
"Oh no," Mom said. "What happened?"
I sniffed and watched as he walked back into the hospital. "He-he doesn't love me!"
Mom threw her arms around me and I cried more. "No, that's not true, he does love you."
"No he doesn't!" I said. "How can he love me if he doesn't feel any feelings towards me?!" Why was I getting angry at her? She wasn't the one who told me she didnt love me.
Mom rubbed the fur on my head. "He may not love you the way you want him to, but he loves you in a different way. He loves you Jordan, but he loves you as a friend. He would destroy the world if it meant to save you. He would shoot an animal, kill an animal if it meant he could keep you. He doesn't love you romantically, you're right. But love isn't just about romance and attraction. It goes deeper than that, you'll understand eventually."
But I didn't want to understand, I just wanted to curse the world and kill everything in my path.
He doesn't love me, he'll never love me.