PART 42

Remus found the brownie and appeased it. Then he began to look for James. That was when he was seized by two death eaters and brought to a dark room down in the dungeons.

His mask was removed and all his things were taken from him. His bag was searched and there was enough in there to out him. Remus was tied to a chair and repeatedly branded in the forehead with molten silver by a minion. The Dark Lord watched, matchbox with brownie in hand.

"Where did you get this?"

"Stole it."

Magot the death eater dipped the branding iron in the hot silver, ready to brand on cue.

"I knew that but from who!" said Voldemort.

" 'Whom'."

"Maggot! Brand him!"

Magot pressed the branding iron against Remus's forehead. The only reason he was still conscious was because of the medallion of endurance they made him wear. The hot branding iron sizzled when it touched his skin.

"Was it worth it?" Voldemort asked. "Trying to me smart? Tell me, why did you come here?"

Remus had liquid silver running down his face and he longed to collapse.

"To steal things."

"I should have known. Well, Tim, at least you're honest. Fear not, I will kill you tonight. Somebody will be happy to have their prefect badge and willow wand back."

"Do you want to get a novice to kill him, for the experience?" Magot asked.

"Sure," Voldemort shrugged, kind of indifferent.

Magot had barely opened the door to leave when Sirius pushed by him.

"Who's being tortured? Anybody fun?"

"Perhaps you would like to do the honour of killing this shifter," said Voldemort. "I haven't had a fag in ages."

Sirius saw Remus, and then tossed his hair bag, laughing.

"Shifter? That there is not a shifter! IT'S A MUMMY! A DIRTY MUMMY! Anyway, you go have a fag. I will take care of this."

"A mummy? Are you sure?"

"Dead sure. So were you getting a fag or what? Trust me, I know just how to torture this one, if you don't mind me having some fun before I return him to the damned!"

"Not at all. Maggot will stay and assist you."

Voldemort left. Sirius dipped the branding iron in the hot silver and scraped off the excess.

"Well, well, well. I bet you thought it wouldn't get worse than this."

Magot gasped a little.

"What could possibly be worse?"

"I don't think you can handle the treatment I have in store. It is not for the faint of heart. You better leave."

Magot hesitated.

"I don't know. The Dark Lord told me to assist you-"

"Yes, that means to do as I say now shoo before I blast your leg off!"

Magot kept hesitating. Sirius had to be kept under a close watch, after all. So Sirius blasted one of his legs off, and threatened to blow off the other. Magot crawled out of the torture dungeon, sure that Sirius wasn't going to pull something socialist.

"Now then," said Sirius, closing the door after Magot. "Try not to lose your mind too quickly."
He pulled a stapled bunch of papers from his trousers, unfolded them and began to read:

" "Captain," said Mr Spock. "You don't look too well." Captain Kirk took off his tight yellow sweater. "I'm fine, Mr Spock," he assured his science officer. They were alone on the bridge because all the other space ship dudes were still unconscious from the Klingon attack and just sat slouched in their chairs like bean bags."

A terrible Star Trek fanfic, Remus thought. He had read worse. He didn't have such a huge problem with flawed grammar, spelling errors or confusing your with you're. But there was one thing that truly, truly annoyed him. Nay, two things.

" "It looks like it's just you and me," expressed Captain Kirk verbally as he neared the Vulcan."

Oh God...

"The pointy eared alien became nervous."

"For GOD'S sake-"

"SILENCE!"

Sirius slapped Remus across the face with the back of his hand and continued.

""Don't be afraid," articulated the blonde human as he pulled the tall and lean space creature-"

"I mean, seriously-"

"I thought I told you to shut up!" Sirius slapped him again. "Don't make me brand you!"

"Please... please just brand me..."

"SILENCE!"
Another slap. Sirius continued reading.

"Where was I?" He leafed through the papers. " "Captain," stuttered the extraterrestrial in blue weakly. "What are you doing?" "Look around," whispered his boss. "It's just you and me." The Earthling pulled the other man close to him and kissed him hard. He stuck his hands won Mr Spock's tight, grey, pants, whispering: "Mr Spock, how about we go to the kitchen?" "

Remus just couldn't keep it in.

"Oh God that is SO bad!"

"You know, in America they say 'pants' when they mean 'trousers', so keep that in mind. Cas takes care to use American vernacular when she writes these. It doesn't sound any weird to me, but I'm not American. Anyway."

He continued reading.

" "Yo my homie, what if the doctor walks in on us?" Spock inquired. "Spock you nimrod," replied James Tiberius Kirk, "then we shall ask our bro Bones to join us." The captain pressed his sturdy muscular body hard against Mr Spock. "Hey dawg what are you doing?" Mr Spock whispered. Mr Kirk panted heavily with lust as he pulled down Spock's underpants-" Which is, to say, pants."

"Please," Remus pleaded. "Please just... just stop."

He was on the verge of tears because of what a bad fanfic it was.

Sirius put his menacing face close to Remus's.

"Give me ONE reason!"

He waited, challenging Remus with his cold, piercing stare. Remus looked up to meet it.

"Because… I love you?"

Sirius just frowned at him, his mind failing to see how that was a valid argument. Then things began to click. Remus shut his eyes tightly, because he thought this was it, he was going to be killed now. At last!
"Oh NOW I get it!" said Sirius. "You think that, when everything else has failed, the power of love will cure all hatred and make everything into fluffy rainbows!"

He tossed his hair back and laughed diabolically.

"Well, if that isn't the soppiest bollocks I have EVER heard I JUST-"

Thud. Sirius's eyes rolled back in their sockets and he toppled back like a rake. Remus wiggled his back-tied hands out of the rope.

He fetched his wand from a table, got down beside Sirius and cast the Salus Volatilus on him.

Sirius's long eyelashes fluttered. He blinked and opened his eyes, had a look around and sat up, rubbing his head.

"What happened? Where am I? Why do I have Cas's fanfic?"

"Are you still a purist?" Remus asked. "Do you still believe that I'm a mummy?"

The memory of the past couple of months washed over Sirius like a tsunami. He felt incredibly guilty.

"I love you too," he said and gave Remus a tight hug worthy of one of Cas's more fluffy Spockoy fanfics.

"We better leave now," said Remus.

"You leave. I can't just sneak away, I'll only be re-summoned. Unless you have bubblegum for that."
Remus had his bag beside him, like always. He took out a gonacatcheball.

"Getting rid of earwyrms is hard. Getting rid of an arm… I hope you don't mind..."

"Mind what? Getting rid of my arm?"

Sirius had two arms. His hands were the same, but his left arm appeared to him, on inspection, to be ever so slightly slimmer and tanned. Also, it didn't have a tattoo.

"Is this not my arm?" He removed his bracelet, and saw a seam where his hand had been cut off and re-attached.

"If you're not happy you can always tweak it, but at the time… It was like catching two stones in a bird. You know the Nariphon tree?"

"No."

"It's the one that bares naked women as fruit."

"Hold your cows! Is this arm from one of those women?"

Remus felt a kind of nervous pride. Nervous, because maybe Sirius would be super mad at him for it. But also pride because apart from the arm not being an exact match, it was a good solution, considering how pressed for time they had been.

He threw a gonacatcheball on the floor. In a crack, a young Death Eater in full gear appeared.

"Bare in mind, that is a fruit," he said and then asked the young Death Eater to show the tattoo on her left arm.

"Now that is your tattoo, no trick."

"Ok but do you know how easy it is to look under that mask? Or does she somehow have my face and other telling bits, too?"

"Intsant-Poly sort of feels like cheating but yes. So picture this. If Voldemort wants to summon you, she is summoned. I call her Sirius B. That's not good. Sirius A. So far he has no reason to suspect anything. Now I feel very bad for what is going to happen to Sirius A."

"She's only a fruit."

"Yeah. Or wood, actually. Now."

"Of wood? Did you feed her to an ass wang?"

Remus looked guilty. Sirius looked VERY reproachful.

"WHERE DID YOU FIND AN ASS WANG WITHOUT ME!"
"You weren't so nice, if you recall!"

"Excuses!"
It was all clearing up. Sirius A was a scheme to fake Sirius's death and forever get him off the DE hook.

"I didn't know there were Ass Wangs in the Mead Woods swamp."

"There aren't, so I made one myself."

"Of course you did, and with bubblegum too I bet."

"Just had to get hold of an Engkanto egg first. So… Do I have your consent?"

"For what? Sex? Sure."

"The plan, the arm, the stuff we've been talking about!"

"Consent to surgically operate a woman's arm to my shoulder, after you've already done it? It's all fine! Yes, consent to all of it. Let's just get the ball rolling now. Sirius stood up, opened the door and shouted at the top of his lungs:

"I LOVE MUGGLES!"

A bunch of death eaters began to chase them both, but they had doormats so Remus made use of the brownie again and that was how they could make their escape. James had managed to get a hold of some clean pants. The three met on the nearest speedy bush station. Sirius wasn't ever summoned.