Author's Note: Apologies for not posting last week but RL got in the way. In an attempt to make up for it, I'm posting this chapter a little early. Featuring a much-needed conversation between Castle and Beckett.

Nothing Lost

Chapter 42

Her curiosity bided its time until the next afternoon.

She and Castle were on their afternoon walk. She was glad to notice that she was able to walk with more ease and a little further every day. She still tired far too quickly but it was some sign of progress.

As usual while on their walks, Castle made an effort to distract her and keep her entertained, today regaling her with the story of teaching Alexis how to ride a bicycle without training wheels.

"Alexis was always a fast learner and so it didn't take long before she was zipping along like a miniature contestant in the Tour de France while I was the maniac running after her yelling at her to be careful of all the people and the curve in the path."

She smiled at this description of himself but couldn't help but note, not for the first time, that all of Castle's stories about Alexis growing up involved only the two of them. Martha was occasionally referenced but for the most part, it was only Castle and Alexis, without any mention of any other woman playing a role in Alexis's life, not even Meredith.

"Castle, can I ask you something?" The words escaped her before she'd consciously decided to speak.

"Of course, anything," he agreed expansively, briefly squeezing the hand he held in his.

She began with what was easier to ask about. "Yesterday, you said no one had ever planned a surprise date for you."

"I meant it."

She didn't doubt his veracity. "But you must have been on dates with hundreds of women," she blurted out.

He threw her a small smirk. "Hundreds? I'm not sure if I should be flattered or insulted."

She wasn't trained in interrogation for nothing although something inside her twisted at even having to use any of her training with him. "Don't evade, you know what I mean." She kept her tone mild. She wasn't actually interrogating him.

He met her eyes and then made a face, giving a rueful little sigh. "Yes, fine, I've been on a lot of dates but for the most part, they were all interested in what they could get from me. I was the one who was expected to charm them, sweep them off their feet so to speak. It wasn't about me."

No, she supposed not. She thought again about the woman at the MADT fundraiser, the one who'd called him the 'white whale.' Those women who had viewed Castle solely as a conquest, for his fame and his money and, yes, his looks. Those women would not have taken the time or thought to plan a surprise for him; at most, they would only have planned to seduce him.

She hesitated but finally went on. It wasn't the nameless women Castle had dated who concerned her; by now, she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't have trusted any of those women, not with his heart and certainly not with Alexis. "Even with Meredith and Gina?"

She felt his immediate increase of tension and saw the way his lips twisted for a moment. "Meredith isn't one for planning much of anything. And Gina's idea of planning a date was making a reservation at a restaurant."

He turned away and started to walk again, urging her with him. "Shouldn't we keep walking? I thought we were planning to make it out to that big fallen oak tree today."

She had pointed the fallen tree out to him a couple days ago as a sort of landmark when they had made it to within sight of it. She had indicated she wanted to make it out to the tree but she recognized a distraction when she heard it.

She fell into step beside him, glancing at his set expression before he visibly banished it and shot her one of his familiar little smirks. "Keep up, Beckett."

She wasn't about to be so easily diverted. "Will you tell me about Meredith and Gina?"

"They were mistakes. I divorced them. Next question?" he tossed back with brittle insouciance, suddenly sounding more like the perennially frivolous jackass she'd thought he was when they first met.

She felt the first sparks of irritation in automatic reaction to his tone. "Castle."

"It's all ancient history now. Why do you even want to know?"

It wasn't that ancient of history. He'd gotten back together with Gina for a second time just last year and she was still his publisher. And of course, Meredith was Alexis's mom and would always be a part of Castle's life for that reason alone. But that wasn't the point. "I want to know more about you and they were an important part of your life."

He sighed. "Do we have to talk about this now?"

"If not now, when?"

"Well, later," he offered flippantly with another of his old smirks.

But by now, she knew him well enough to see past his smirk and she could still feel his tension in the hand she held.

"Talking about them, your marriages, really bothers you, doesn't it?" It wasn't quite a question, more a realization spoken aloud.

"No, why should it bother me? Wouldn't you be thrilled to be labelled a failure twice over?" he snapped with cutting sarcasm before dropping her hand and stalking ahead, leaving her alone for the first time while walking, using his longer legs and greater physical fitness to outpace her with ease.

She automatically started forward to rush after him only to stop on a gasp, clutching at her side. Ow, damn it, clearly even walking fast was beyond her right now. She scowled but for once, the reminder of her infirmity was immediately forgotten in her concern over Castle.

She stared after his retreating figure, reading his irritation and some defensiveness in his stance. And silently kicked herself for pushing as much as she had, asking so directly, without thought for how he might feel. But she honestly hadn't realized it would be such a sensitive subject with him. She had known he tended to avoid mentioning either Meredith or Gina but had assumed it had been tact on his part, not wanting to mention his ex-wives to her. And before, in the months they'd been working together, he'd spoken about his divorces lightly, almost made jokes out of them, about his not liking being married or about wives as leg shackles, that sort of thing. She had assumed it meant he'd taken the fact of his divorces in stride. She had forgotten—or at least not taken the time to put two and two together—that Castle used his humor and flippant remarks as a shield to hide his vulnerabilities. She hadn't thought that his show of flippancy about his divorces was a defense mechanism to avoid revealing how much they actually bothered him.

And she suddenly remembered again what he'd said during their shattering fight in the hospital, when he'd referred to being taken advantage of, married for his money and fame and then abandoned when the person got bored. Oh.

She started walking again to see that Castle had reached the fallen tree, was using its trunk as a makeshift seat.

He lifted his head the moment he heard or sensed her approach and she saw that his momentary flare of irritation had died and he was her Castle again. He straightened up and took a few steps towards her, concern flickering over his face, but he also knew her well enough not to ask how she was, only watched her closely as she neared.

She reached out her hand and he reached out his—she wasn't sure which of them reached out first, not that it mattered—and their hands clasped, held, as they made it to the fallen tree together this time, resting against it.

She leaned into him, hoping the pressure of her body against his would communicate some of her regret and her understanding.

But he was the one who spoke first. "I'm sorry."

"I was just going to say the same thing to you. I shouldn't have pushed. It's not like I'm very good at sharing about my past either."

"You weren't really pushing." He slanted a faint smile at her. "I've seen you interrogate people, when you're really pushing for answers, and you didn't do that."

She released a huff of breath that was the precursor to a laugh, briefly tipping her head over to rest against his shoulder. "Would you rather talk about all this later?"

"No, that's okay," he answered, pressing a kiss to her hair. "You have a right to know and it probably is time we talked about Meredith and Gina."

He let out a breath and she inwardly braced herself. If it was this hard for Castle to talk about, then this wasn't going to be an easy story to listen to.

"My mother introduced me to Meredith," he began after a long moment. "We hit it off. It was kind of a whirlwind thing at first." He paused and then made a face. "I suppose, in hindsight, Meredith was a rebound relationship after Kyra."

Oh, right, Kyra, Castle's former love. Happily married now, Kate reminded herself sternly, ignoring the little tug of something like jealousy. It should have been stupid but somehow, she cared rather more about Castle's past with Kyra than she did either Meredith or Gina because Kyra had been different, real. Kyra was someone she could imagine being with Castle long-term even now, if Kyra ever returned to Castle's life.

"I was just looking to have fun and Meredith was good at that, the fun, uncomplicated stuff. But then she got pregnant."

"So you proposed?" she asked, carefully neutral. Not that she blamed him; she knew him well enough to know Castle couldn't have done anything else, not when Meredith was pregnant with his child. Castle would never leave any woman to raise a child of his alone.

He released a breath. "Yeah, I proposed, to give my baby the whole family and stable home I never had and at first, we were happy enough. Meredith liked being the center of attention. She didn't like being pregnant much but she was sick for almost the first six months so I could understand that. I had just signed my first multi-book deal with Black Pawn and was able to buy the loft and then Alexis was born and she was… so beautiful, so perfect." His voice softened even more than it usually did when talking about Alexis and glancing at him, she saw the tender light in his eyes, his absent gaze fixed on some indeterminate point and she knew he was picturing baby Alexis.

"We named her Alexis after me and—"

"After you?" she interrupted him. "Your name is Richard Edgar; how do you get Alexis from that?"

He slanted a small smirk at her. "Been perusing the Richard Castle website, have you, Beckett? As it happens, I changed my middle name to Edgar at the same time I changed my last name to Castle; my given name is Richard Alexander Rodgers."

"I didn't know that."

"Not many people do." He gave her another, softer smile. "Actually, aside from my mother, you might be the only other person who knows that anymore."

"Your secret's safe with me." She returned his smile. It might have been silly but she found she rather liked the idea of being one of the only people to know Castle's actual given name; it seemed like an additional bond, an additional intimacy, between them.

He sobered. "Anyway, Alexis was born and for a while, everything was great. I was so happy… Terrified and exhausted too since I'm not sure I remember really sleeping for the first few months of Alexis's life but still, I was so happy, thought I had the perfect life, the life I always wanted. I had a home, a family, the world's most adorable baby, my books were doing well."

But then his dream of a happy family had been shattered. She inwardly winced.

"And then Meredith got tired of it." He stopped abruptly, looking away with a scowl. She had the sense that he'd momentarily forgotten her presence and she gently squeezed his hand but didn't speak.

He blinked and turned to look at her, his expression lightening at least for a moment, before he faced forward, visibly tensing. "She wanted to go back to work, revive her career. I could write from home and watch Alexis so I agreed." He paused. "No, wait, I should go back. Before that, Meredith and I had a big fight. She wanted publicity, to get back in the public eye to help kick-start her career again. So she reached out to Paula, wanted to have one of those in-depth personal interviews with celebrities, the sort of article with pictures of the celebrity's home and a fluff piece on the family. 'Inside the Beautiful Family Home of Bestselling Author Richard Castle and His Lovely Actress Wife,' you know."

Yes, she could easily imagine, had seen plenty of that sort of fluff piece in celebrity magazines. She could also imagine how successful such a piece would have been—the loft with its understated homey luxury especially after being professionally touched up and photographed, Castle with his good looks and charm, Meredith's prettiness and vivacity, and of course, the adorableness that was baby Alexis. They would have appeared a picture-perfect ideal American family.

"But Paula checked with me, as she should have, before setting anything up and I vetoed the idea. PR and publicity is one thing but I didn't want it to focus on my personal family life like that. I flatly refused to allow reporters into my home, let alone exposing Alexis to that kind of publicity. Meredith and I had a knock-down, drag-out over that but eventually, we got past it, at least mostly. She went back to work and I stayed home with Alexis. And for a while at least, things were okay again."

He paused again and this time in his silence and in his expression, Kate could guess at the disillusionment Castle must have felt, the disappointment. Planning such a publicity blitz was clearly all about Meredith and what she wanted, without caring about what might be good for Alexis, let alone Castle's opinion. And although Castle was obviously not saying it in words, she wondered if this was possibly, probably, when Castle had stopped loving Meredith.

"Meredith isn't vindictive or vengeful or anything. She just… gets bored easily. She's always looking for the next new and exciting thing. And I… I wasn't enough for her."

Wait. Kate felt a chill inside her. There was a small bitter twist to his lips, an edge to his tone. Did he mean— She inwardly winced, hesitating, but she wanted to know and there was no kinder way to put it. "She cheated on you?" Even as she asked, she could hardly believe it. What woman could possibly cheat on Castle?

His lips twisted again. "Yes," he admitted, although his voice was very low and oddly flat. "And not just that." He stopped and started again, speaking in jerky staccato bursts that were unlike him. "I walked in on her. In bed with her director. He was embarrassed. Meredith wasn't. He left."

He broke off again and she hid another wince, her chest tight with sympathy. As if the fact of her infidelity wasn't bad enough, to compound that betrayal with another by bringing another man into Castle's home, his bedroom, their marital bed. Oh, how she hated Meredith.

"We argued. Or really, I argued. Meredith didn't… she didn't care enough to argue. But finally, she said that she was tired of playing at being a wife and mother, it was boring and even the money wasn't enough to make up for it."

Oh god. Had she thought she hated Meredith? Kate mentally revised that. She loathed Meredith, detested Meredith with the heat of a thousand suns.

"She left, moved to LA, and we were divorced." He stopped and then began again, "She didn't ask for custody. I was glad of that; I could never have given Alexis up and it would have made things ugly and drawn out but she didn't even ask. So the divorce was amicable enough." He sighed and for the first time in a while, turned to look at her. "I was relieved but sometimes I almost wish she had tried for custody, asked even once. I just… she gave Alexis up without a thought, without even trying to keep her." He grimaced. "It's stupid, I know it is. It's not like I wanted some drawn out custody battle, it's the last thing I wanted. But sometimes… I think it's the one thing I can never forgive, that she never even asked."

"It's not stupid, Castle," she reassured him, her chest hurting as if a boulder were crushing it. She couldn't claim to know what it felt like to be a parent hurting for one's child but she could hear the pain and the sheer bewilderment in Castle's voice and it wasn't easy to hear. "It's not stupid at all. I understand."

He turned to her, lips easing fractionally. "Of course you do."

His eyes roamed over her features as if he wanted to memorize them and she parted her lips to say something comforting, although she wasn't sure what, but before she'd come up with anything, he abruptly bent his head, his free hand cupping the back of her neck, and kissed her fiercely, with enough passion that her lips felt a little bruised. For once, this kiss wasn't about tenderness or even love; this was a claiming, his lips and tongue taking possession of her mouth.

It was less about her than it was Meredith and what she'd done, the way she'd betrayed him, but Kate didn't care, was happy to let the press of her body and her lips speak for her, blot out the memory of his hurt. A silent promise that he wasn't alone and she would not betray him. And it wasn't just that, she thrilled to finally feel the depths of his passion, the strength of him.

But then just as suddenly as he'd kissed her, he stopped, jerking his head back, his breath coming fast, his eyes a little wild. He blinked a few times. "Oh. Um, I—you—I didn't plan that. Are you okay?"

She had to fight to cudgel some semblance of coherence to her thoughts, her heart thundering in her chest as if fighting to break free from its confines. "Huh?" Okay, maybe she wasn't quite coherent yet.

His expression softened and he moved his hand to brush a strand of hair away from her face, his touch gentle. "You're okay." Now there was just a hint of a question in his tone.

"I'm fine," she managed. "Not that fragile."

His lips curved slightly. "No, you're not." He drew her in to kiss her forehead and then rested his cheek against her hair as she settled against him again.

There was a long pause as she reflected that there was something intoxicating and oddly restful as well about all this closeness with Castle. She liked the way their bodies seemed to fit together.

"Alexis doesn't know about any of this," he blurted out after a long moment. "I never want her to know."

"No," she agreed. "Alexis doesn't need to know." Kate could guess that Alexis was old enough now and mature enough to recognize Meredith's faults—and certainly it didn't seem as if Meredith had ever made an effort to be anything other than an absentee parent—but Alexis certainly never needed to know just how easily her own mother had given her up or how badly Meredith had betrayed Castle.

"Meredith does love Alexis in her way," he went on after a long moment. "I don't—well, I don't want to make it sound like she's evil or something. She's thoughtless and impulsive and self-absorbed but she's not really a bad person."

How could he—why was he defending her? Wait. Kate abruptly remembered something she had forgotten about—and wished she hadn't remembered it at all. "Is that how you can still sleep with her?" The words escaped her of their own volition.

He jerked.

"No, wait, I shouldn't have said that," she rushed on, kicking herself. Stupid, stupid Kate! "I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I really didn't. I trust you, you know that, right?" She tightened her grasp on his hand, moved her other hand to clasp his hand as well, and then after a moment, lifted his hand to her lips, pressing a brief kiss of apology to his fingers.

He sighed and grimaced. "I suppose I rather deserved that."

"No, Castle, you didn't. Certainly not the way it sounded."

"It was the last time, you know, that time two years ago that you were asking about."

She winced again. "Sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

He made a rueful face. "Well, I did say you could ask me anything. And I'm sorry too. Meredith—well, I'm not proud of any of my dealings with Meredith but that part is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done where Meredith is concerned, unless you count making Meredith Alexis's mother."

"No, Castle, that's not your fault." She couldn't like the idea of Castle falling back into bed with Meredith knowing what she now did about how their marriage had ended—although she told herself she could understand it as having been meaningless sex, as strange as it might be to have the equivalent of a one night stand with one's ex wife―but she didn't blame Castle for any of Meredith's shortcomings as a mother.

"How old was Alexis when Meredith left?"

"Not quite 3. She was just about 3 and a half when our divorce was finalized."

Alexis really had been young, a baby still really, and Castle had been left to raise her alone all these years. "I'm sorry. That must have been so tough."

Castle sighed. "It wasn't the best time of my life. But it was harder on Alexis, I think. She was too young to understand so she used to ask where Mommy was or when Mommy was coming home and…"

He trailed off and Kate flinched. What Castle must have felt like at those times.

Oh, wait. She abruptly remembered something else, her heart twisting inside her. Castle's police record, his disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, even the police horse incident. They'd happened about 13 years ago—when his divorce had been finalized. And after Meredith had cheated on him and left him because she was "bored" with being his wife.

It occurred to her that Castle's record, his behavior, was not evidence of his being an incorrigible playboy as she'd originally thought but was a sign of unhappiness. She suddenly hated herself. How long had she held Castle's record against him, writing him off for weeks, if not months, as a care-for-nothing jackass playboy and using his record to shore up her defenses whenever he showed glimpses of his real self?

What might have happened if she'd given him a chance earlier? If she'd even considered giving in to the attraction she felt from the beginning? Would they have—could they have made a relationship work even back then?

"I think Alexis was the one who saved me," he went on after a long moment, his expression brightening, his voice warming. "She needed me so much and I had to be there for her and she distracted me, kept my mind off everything else. And she made me happy. I used to think, whenever Alexis smiled at me or hugged me, that I couldn't possibly stay angry or hurt because of Meredith because whatever else, she gave me Alexis and Alexis is the best thing that's ever happened to me. We had such fun together…"

"You're a good dad, Castle."

"Alexis made it easy. She's about as close to perfect as humanly possible."

She couldn't help a small smile at this hyperbole, so like Castle too. "I think you're a little biased but I agree Alexis is a great kid."

There was another pause, which she broke this time. "How often does Alexis see Meredith?" She couldn't help but ask after noting how Alexis didn't seem to consider her own mom as a possible confidante in her issues with Ashley. It was so different from her own teenage self; Kate had never been much of one for confiding but she'd always turned to her mom first.

"About once a year. They talk on the phone every couple months or so but for the most part, Meredith is more like an aunt or another relative whom you see only on the occasional holiday."

He paused and then added, "And thankfully, Alexis is old enough now that I'm okay with letting her fly alone to California to visit since it means I don't need to see Meredith except in the rare times she flies out to New York. So Meredith won't be much of a factor in our lives."

Our lives. She could tell from a subtle intonation of his voice that he was referring now to the two of them, her life and Castle's. Our lives. He said it so… smoothly, was so confident that their futures would be intertwined.

She hoped—oh, how she hoped that he was right, that they could make it.

"I understand. Meredith is a part of Alexis's life and so she's a part of yours too."

He gave her another of his looks as if she were a miracle, as if she'd single-handedly saved the world—a look of so much love it made her heart flutter and her cheeks flush. And she reflexively needed to deflect, break the spell. She tried to summon up a look of mock sternness. "But just so you know, if you ever sleep with her again—"

"They'll never find my body, I know," he finished for her glibly.

She knew he wouldn't. She trusted him. "And don't you forget it," she retorted with an attempt at severity that she knew was belied by the twitch of her lips.

"I won't. Cross my heart and hope to die, as Alexis used to say," he promised and bent to seal the promise with a quick kiss.

When he lifted his head, she nudged him half-teasingly. "Come on, Castle, let's go back to the cabin. I'm getting thirsty."

He pushed himself to his feet obligingly and then helped her do the same. "Sure. But didn't you want to know about Gina?"

Oh right, Gina. "You can tell me about Gina later. We have plenty of time."

And she trusted that Castle would tell her eventually. It was enough for now.

They started on the walk back to the cabin and this time, she was the one to do most of the talking, setting out to lift his spirits, recounting the story of the case last year when she'd run into her old friend Maddy again. As she'd expected, the mention of an old friend of hers neatly distracted him into speculating about her high school self and she tossed out teasing, cryptic references to her rebel Becks phase. It worked, his curiosity, especially about her past, as usual one of his leading characteristics. He tried charm then cajoled then fixed her with one of his 'sad puppy' looks while she smirked and laughed and teased.

And the brightness in his eyes, the curve of his lips seeped into her, lifted her own spirits. Allowed her to believe she could do this, be enough for him, make him as happy as he made her.

~To be continued…~

A/N 2: Thank you, as always, to everyone who's still sticking with this story and this fandom.