Notes:

I am so very sorry it has taken me this long to update. Real life has been kicking my ass lately and I've been struggling to just get out of bed on the days that I didn't have to work. I'm really working on it and I'm doing better now, writing helps but every time I sat down to write I just couldn't even though I missed writing and I missed this story so very much. I can't promise you guys to get back to my regular schedule right away but I'm doing my best and I'll be working less again soon so that will be a tremendous help too.

Again, I am so very sorry for making you guys wait this long. It's a rather short chapter but I just really wanted to post something. I hope you guys like it.

Chapter 42

I'm not much of a lover I'm a tough motherfucker but when the rain pulls me under you say I'll wait for the thunder we've been through too much to let it break I won't be making the same mistakes

Sara

The next time she woke up, staying in bed and trying to fall back asleep again wasn't even an option. Mila was pushing on her bladder. Sara slowly and carefully moved Oliver's arm from around her waist and scooted away from him as smoothly as possible, which wasn't very smooth at all. She stopped once their bodies no longer touched and checked to see if she had woken him up, actually expecting to be looking into his sleepy, slightly concerned sky-blue eyes. Yet to her utter surprise, Ollie was still out cold. Which was a testament of just how emotionally taxing the previous day and night had really been for him. Sneaking out of their bed without waking him up had already been almost infeasible before her pregnancy. Now it was an act of impossibility. Yes, that meant he usually woke up every single time she got up to pee. Normally he would just turn around and fall back asleep instantly after she assured him she and Mila were fine. She padded, as quietly as possible, which wasn't as quietly as she would've wanted to or used to be, to their bedroom door and out of the room. Glancing back one more time to make sure that he was still asleep.

Sara decided to not head back into their room and risk waking Ollie up and moved towards the kitchen, noticing that she was actually starving. She had gotten better at recognizing and acting on the feeling of hunger, especially since she had found out about her pregnancy. Eating when being hungry didn't come naturally to her anymore, and it was easy for her to ignore the feeling if she was otherwise occupied. She'd love to blame Anthony, Lian Yu or the League for this issue of hers and both Anthony and Ra's did use it as a means to get her to do what they wanted and all of those things, including nearly starving to death after the Freighter went down and Anthony's former prisoners took their revenge on her, played into it but if she were completely honest with herself food and eating had been an issue for her since High School and she had learnt back as a teen to ignore the pangs of hunger in order to have a small remnant of control over her life. It had felt as if it was the only thing in her life that she could control. Everything had been spiraling out of her control. And there had been no one she could talk to, not after Ollie got together with Laurel. At least it had felt like that to her. She had felt no one cared about her or what was happening to her. And later on, when people had found out it had given her attention from Ollie and her parents and Tommy and they tried to take care of her. She had been in control. She had stopped eating and suddenly everybody had done what she had wanted them to. They had to. Everybody had to do what she had wanted them to or risk have her starve herself to death. Everything had been about her for once in her life. Not Laurel. No. Sara. Only Sara. That Laurel had been in college at the time their parents had learnt about her eating disorder had also led to her receiving their full undivided attention while her sister was away from home. For the first time in her life. Looking back now she knew she had been overdramatic as a teen and their parents' treatment of Laurel and her had been fair and equal, but that was not how she had felt as a kid. There had been no favorites when it came to their treatment on their parents' side. She knew now that Laurel had felt similarly, feeling that she as the baby of the family was their favorite and that she as the first born had to thrive on scholastic achievements, follow all the rules and be the perfect daughter in order to get their parents attention and approval.

It had been normal sibling rivalry that might have never spiraled as far out of control as it had, had it not been for one Oliver Jonas Queen, who had come between Laurel and her long before he had ever even been aware of it. They had vied for his attention long before they had been old enough to understand what love was. He had been Laurel's friend first, and yet it had been her who had hit it off with him right away. Their similarities were what had led to their friendship even with their two-and-a-half-year age difference, which was huge for four- and seven-year-olds. Laurel hadn't liked that.

Ollie on the other hand had been fascinated by Laurel and how she wasn't like the girls he knew but still cared about rules and school and how she always tried to do the right thing. Following the rules and not approving when Ollie, Tommy and she decided to break them on purpose. Ollie placed Laurel on a pedestal early on in their friendship, which built the foundation of their relationship. He always tried to live up to her expectations, do good for her and in the process keeping a lot of things from her knowing she wouldn't approve or even worse be disappointed in him were she to find out what he had been up to and involved with.

The fact that Ollie had never idolized her and known from the moment they had met that she was trouble led to him not keeping shit from her and go even further and involve her in their adventures, knowing that blaming her should they get caught by adults, would lead to them getting away with even more because who could be mad at the tiny, cute blonde haired and blue-eyed girl who didn't mean to do whatever trouble they had caused just didn't know any better yet. It was still incomprehensible to both of them just how long they had managed to get away with that and how many people had bought that lame, bullshit excuse. All three of them had always been aware when they were breaking the rules or doing something stupid. Innocent and naïve were words that had never fit Ollie, Tommy and her. They had always known exactly what they were doing, pushing the boundaries to see how far they could push, just how much they could get away with. Their need to see how far they could go spiralled way out of control once they hit their teens and they were lucky to have survived their teens.

"Good morning, baby." Her mother's calm voice interrupted Sara's dark musings, which she was grateful for.

"Hey mom." She returned her mother's smile with one of her own.

"How are you feeling, honey?" Her mom looked at her concerned, studying her carefully.

"Tired and hungry, but otherwise alright. Didn't get that much sleep last night. I was awake until Ollie came home. Mom, can you do me a favor?" She wasn't sure why she shared that last detail with her mom, but it just felt right and she needed to talk to someone.

"Of course, baby. Is Oliver alright? Did he give you an explanation why he hadn't gotten in touch with you?" Sara wasn't sure how her mom did it, but she managed to ask both questions without sounding as if she were accusing Ollie of doing anything wrong, she just sounded concerned, which was the only reason she decided to be honest with her.

"No. He's really not, which is why I'm asking you to go visit Laurel today, like right now and stay with her for the night at least, maybe tomorrow night too. Please." Well, sort of anyway.

"Sara, are you sure, baby? I don't mind staying, or leaving if you think that would be better. I'm here to help you and Oliver. However, you need me to." Her mother didn't seem convinced with her request. Sara really appreciated her mom's help and concern and apparent understanding. And she would gladly come back to her offer to help them however she could but that came later. Right now she needed her mom to go stay with Laurel to give Ollie some space.

"Thank you. And I know and appreciate that, but what I need right now, is for you to not be here. Ollie needs to be able to feel however he's feeling right now, and he can't and won't do that with you here. So, I really need you to stay with Laurel." Sara decided to share a little more with her mom hoping she would agree to go stay with Laurel without them having a drawn-out argument about it, she was not up for that right now. Not after yesterday and earlier today. She was exhausted and emotionally drained. Holding Ollie for hours while he cried took a lot out of her. Ollie's pain was her pain regardless of the reason. Adding the origin of his anguish to the equation made it just so much more draining. Because she was missing Tommy, too. So, so very much. Thinking about him hurt. Not having him here with them hurt. But that wasn't important right now. This wasn't about her. It was about Ollie and his pain. Hers could wait for some other time.

"Okay. Just let me get my stuff… and you let me know, if there is anything you need. No matter what, no matter when. Okay?" She took a deep relaxing breath, and the tension left her body the moment her mother agreed, and she knew for a fact that there wasn't going to be any resistance on her mother's side. She was very relieved about that. And grateful for her mother's understanding.

"I will. Thank you, mom. For everything but most of all for understanding. Sorry I'm kicking you out… I just… Ollie… he needs… he needs… Ollie needs his privacy right now. He needs to be able to just be and feel however he feels and express those emotions and he can't do that with you here… or more accurately he won't do that with you here. Talking to Laurel brought up a lot of repressed feelings and memories for him. Especially about Tommy. And I just really need him to… to give himself some time to just miss Tommy and grieve. He has never really given himself time and permission to do that. I need him to work through this because I need him to… I need him… I… it's important." Sara knew she was really over sharing right now, but she was also certain that given her mother's actions and behavior that she was aware of what had transpired last night and Ollie's emotional breakdown. The apartment was enormous, but it was not big enough for her mom to not have been aware of it. Knowing her mom, she probably hadn't been able to sleep soundly worrying about Ollie. So, there was almost no way she hadn't heard Ollie's desperate cries.

"Of course it is, baby. And don't you worry about me, alright? You just take care of Oliver, Mila and yourself, okay? And you let me know if there is anything I can do for either of you. I love you, baby." Her mom put her hand on her arm and softly kissed her cheek while brushing her other hand through her hair.

"I will, thank you. I love you too, mom." Sara put her hand on top of her mother's on her arm, smiling gratefully at her.

Dinah kissed her daughter's cheek once more before leaving the kitchen to get her things and then leave for her other daughter's home.

Oliver

Oliver slowly felt reality push against the cobwebs of his still sleep riddled mind, stretching his arm towards the right side of the bed in search of Sara's body that was no longer in his arms. He figured that she had shifted away from him because of Mila, even in his still mostly asleep state. It wouldn't be the first time. He was fully awake from one moment to the next when he realized his wife was no longer in their bed with him, even more than that, her side of the bed was cold. Which meant she hadn't been in their bed for quite some time. That wasn't right. He always woke up when Sara got up and out of bed.

Something was wrong.

He sat up and got out of bed in record time, being on high alert in seconds, searching for his missing wife and preparing himself for the worst. He was feeling groggy, slightly dizzy, and there was a slight pounding in his head on top of the fog his usually razor-sharp mind was still in. His mind automatically started to take stock of every single thing wrong with his body while going through every poison known to him that overlapped with his possible symptoms and lead to him not waking up by his Pretty Bird's movements. All the while stealthily looking for his absent wife, muscles tensed, the dagger from his nightstand in his hand, ready to pounce and attack. Oliver expected to find Sara in distress or being threatened or hurt, and was fully prepared to do whatever it took to ensure her safety.

What he actually found was his pregnant wife, standing in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. His stance relaxed instantly, and he went from alert and ready to fight to calm and relieved. He stood in the doorway for a moment, just watching her, taking her in. Thanking whatever higher power that had brought her back to him. He no longer knew how he had made it through all of those years without her. Wasn't sure he would be able to go on without her one more time if… he knew he would have to. For Mila. But… he didn't want to think about the possibility of ever losing Sara again and wasn't sure where those dark thoughts had come from. She was right here, right in front of him, just a couple of steps away. There were moments when it was still hard for him to believe. Believe that she was alive. Believe that this was his life now. Sara and he finally together. Planning their future, having a baby, being married. He took her in for one more moment before stepping over the threshold and entering the kitchen.

"Good morning gorgeous." He smiled at her lovingly and was surprised for a moment about how rough his voice sounded, yet he had to admit on second thought that it wasn't surprising at all. Not after last night. The fog had lifted some and the last day played through his mind as if to catch him up to the current events. He walked all the way to her side, putting the dagger on the counter along the way, and bent down to give her a tender kiss good morning. Trying to convey just how grateful he was for what she had done for him the night before.

"Good morning handsome." She returned his smile and kiss in the same manner. Before lifting her hand to softly caress his cheek while searching his eyes out and studying him carefully.

"You're welcome and any time. How are you feeling?" Her question came as no surprise, and he had no issues answering honestly. Knowing full well that there would be no point lying to her even less while she was studying him as intently as she was right now. And honestly, he really didn't feel like lying to her.

"Like shit" he was sure that if he'd look into a mirror right now, his appearance would fit his answer perfectly. He was sure that the hit he had taken to his face last night left a bruise which was probably joined by dark circled, red-rimmed eyes.

"I figured. Here" she removed her hand from his face, turning away for a moment before handing him a hot cup of coffee and a plate of eggs, bacon, tomatoes and cucumber and a couple of slices of freshly baked bread.

"Thank you. Where's Dinah?" he smiled at her gratefully and bent down to steal another tender kiss from her until he noticed the absence of his mother-in-law. It was unusual for Dinah to not be up and with Sara while visiting. Dinah was usually moving around the kitchen, preparing food for them. She enjoyed taking care of and spoiling them. She always told them she enjoyed helping them out, and it was her pleasure to prepare meals for them.

"Staying with Laurel for the next two days, maybe longer." Sara answered matter of fact, making sure that her tone of voice left no room for arguments.

"Sara..." he still tried, the thought of Sara making her mother leave because of him not sitting well with him. What Dinah must be thinking right now. He was sure that was not going to be sitting well with Laurel and Quentin. And he was already on thin ice with both of them, or would be once Laurel told her father about their conversation from the previous day, he was sure of it.

"This is important. You need this, Ollie." she had turned fully towards him now, looking at him seriously. Making sure that he knew she meant business and didn't care about etiquette. Not when it came to his mental health. Not that it was a new revelation to him, or the first time Sara had taken the matter into her own hands to help him deal with an issue that was bothering him. And he appreciated it, most of the time, at least, eventually.

"I..." he honestly had no idea where he was going with this. He just knew that he didn't like the direction he was pretty certain this conversation had taken.

"You need to take some time and let yourself grieve Tommy. And mom understands and doesn't mind." his Pretty Bird's next words confirmed his suspicions. Yeah, he didn't like it at all.

"I did grieve him, Sara." the moment the words left his mouth and the look on her face made him realize how weak that argument was. And he knew she wasn't buying what he was trying to sell her. Hell, he wasn't even buying what he was trying to sell. So how could he expect her to?

"Ollie, no offense, but running off to freaking Lian Yu for five months is not grieving. Or dealing. It's just that running away, believe me, I know. It's what I've been doing for years. You need to take the time to grieve, really grieve Tommy." she knew him too damn well. He had shared too much with her to think she would let him get away with such a blatant lie. Her words didn't surprise him at all. Of course she would bring up his self-imposed exile on Lian Yu after Tommy's death. He should have known he'd eventually end up regretting sharing that tidbit of information with her. She had the tendency to use information like this against him if the situation presented itself, as it did now. Not that she did it to hurt him, the contrary actually, she usually used the information to try to help him and make him see her point. And it usually worked. It was hard to argue with facts about your life that you have given the person arguing them. Even more so if they were doing it on your behalf. But at the same time, just because her intentions were good, and he got where she was coming from, didn't mean he had to just lay down in defeat.

"What about you?" Pot meet kettle. Two could play that game, and he knew for a fact that she had never taken the time to grieve Tommy either. And that she blamed herself for Tommy's death. Feeling that her absence made her guilty of his death. That she could've helped prevent the events of the Undertaking had she been home, especially because she had had knowledge that he hadn't had until it had been too late. She had known about Malcolm's involvement with the League of Assassins, she had known how dangerous that made their friend's father. She would've recognized the Dark Archer as a member of the League from the way he was dressed alone, not even taking his fighting style into consideration. They had talked about their guilt about Tommy's death some after she had come home for the first time. But they had never found the time to talk about it in lengths. Maybe she was right, and it was time for them to face the loss of a man that had been a brother in all but blood to both of them.

"Don't worry about me. Okay. Let me take care of you right now, while you take some time to grieve. We can focus on me and my grief after." It were moments like this that reminded him of just how alike Sara and he were. She was deflecting and prioritizing his pain over her own. Just like he always put her pain and needs before his own.

"How about we take some time and grieve Tommy together?" but he wasn't going to let her get away with it this time. Not when there was no reason for it. They were both hurting, they might as well hurt together at the same time instead of having one person repress their pain for now just to go back to it at a later date. It made no sense whatsoever, and it might be nice to share the pain the loss of their best friend was causing them.

"I guess we could do that." She came to the same conclusion as him, given the look on her face and the lack of an argument.

"Anything particular you had in mind?" He wondered. She must have thought of something while deciding to relocate Dinah in order for him to deal with his grief.

"Well, I was thinking about making something to remember Tommy that we can share and use to explain to Mila who her Uncle Tommy was and what he meant to us... maybe put together a picture album or scrapbook or some old videos or something along those lines... what do you think?" Sara shared her thoughts with him, looking a little unsure and apprehensive. As if she was worried about his reaction to her suggestions. Honestly, he wasn't sure why.

"I… yeah, I'd like that. I can get some old pictures and home movies. They're in a box somewhere. And I think Speedy and Laurel should have some too." He loved the idea and was really appreciating the thought Sara had put into it. He suddenly had an image of Sara, himself and a little blonde girl in his mind, all three of them sitting on their couch, their daughter in between them while they were looking at a picture album telling the story of their friendship with Tommy to their little Hummingbird. The glimpse of his possible future made him swallow hard and close his eyes for a moment, basking in the images his mind had conjured and at the same time willing them away because it made him equal parts happy and sad. Happy to think about what his life will look like with Sara and Mila in it and sad because Mila would only ever know Tommy from pictures, home movies and stories... that wasn't right. This was not how it was supposed to be.

Oliver took a deep breath, willing the image away, opening his eyes again and focussing on the food that was so lovingly prepared in front of him.

"Okay, how about we look through it after breakfast?" Sara sat down at the table across from him, putting one of her hands on top of one of his, in silent acknowledgement of his pain and a show of comfort while stealing one of his tomatoes with her other hand.

"Sounds like a plan." They fell into a comfortable silence after this. Until Sara broke it after several minutes and he'd almost eaten his entire breakfast, still holding on to her hand.

"About last night… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be that harsh… it's just… I…" Oliver looked at her surprised, he had not been expecting that and she had had every right to act the way she had. He had been the one in the wrong. She hadn't done anything wrong at all. He should've let her know what was going on. He shouldn't have ghosted her, even if it hadn't been intentional at all.

"Sara, you don't have to. It was my fault. I should've contacted you." He tried to make her understand that there was nothing she had to apologize for, but Sara didn't seem to agree or let him have it.

"No, I shouldn't have been as short with you as I was. It's just... I was really worried about you, and last night made me realize that I have no clue what's going on, on the Green Arrow front. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what you're dealing with. And I know that is my fault, and it was my choice to not talk about it. To keep Mila away from that part of our lives and I still don't want any of that near her but... I..." he watched her quietly, listening intently to what she was saying and how she was struggling to put her feelings and thoughts into words. He thought he knew what she was trying to say and understood what she meant. Not being in the loop must be really hard, especially in a situation like the one last night. Not knowing what the people you care about are up against… it must have been torture for her. Especially given her former involvement concerning anything to do with vigilantism.

Notes:

Please let me know what you think. I'm not sure about it but I wanted to update really bad and this is why I'm not a hundred percent sure of it but I really hope you guys liked it.

As always I appreciate every single person who reads this story and especially the ones who let me know they like it and share their thoughts with me. It means a lot.

The chapter title is from the song "Gang Gang" by Nova Rockafeller feat. Tom MacDonald. It's a great song and it screams Oliver and Sara to me, especially when you watch the music video.