Chapter 42: Nighttime Séance

There is a light that never goes out by The Smiths

In the dream, I blinked my eyes to clear my vision. I was back in the living room of my family's new house in Leeds, like I had been during the Christmas holidays. There was no way to tell how much time had passed; Magnus would be a better indicator with how much he'd grown, but he wasn't here. Instead, it was only my mum sitting in a chair by the hearth, reading a Swedish book: Doktor Glas by Hjalmar Söderberg.

"Honey?" my dad called as he came through the front door.

Astrid looked up from her book. "In here, John."

Dad rounded the corner and smiled when he saw her, though it was fleeting. "I thought you had that teacher's meeting this evening?"

She shook her head, blue eyes watery. "Yes, but… I couldn't go."

"Why not, sweetheart?" he said, coming to kneel in front of her.

She looked down at him and the tears spilled over. She withdrew a photograph that she'd been hiding behind the book. "I found this while I was reading. I guess I'd tucked it in here a while ago."

The tears tracked down her face and I ran over to them, wanting to see what the photograph showed. John took the photo from her and held it in his hands.

"Oh, honey. I'm sorry," he said, his voice cracking.

He was holding a photograph of me and Mum. I was seven years old, and Astrid held me in her arms, both of us giving the photographer big, toothy smiles. My hair was pulled back from my face in two red braids and I had a garland of daisies in my hair, making me look like a Saint Lucia girl. I had the same battered and well-loved copy of Pippi Longstocking in my hands, the one that was in the back of my Volvo now. Astrid was in a blue sundress, her feet bare as she stood in the tall grass.

"I wasn't expecting it, and I s-saw it and n-now…" Astrid's lower lip wobbled as she cried harder.

John hugged her. "I know, I miss her too."

"She would've been almost eighteen now. And I shouldn't have let her be driven home by—"

"It's okay, honey. You know it's not your fault, remember what the grief counsellor said?"

"That doesn't help, John. It won't bring back my little Kersti Långstrump."

I watched numbly as my parents both cried for my loss. Wasn't this better than them being tortured by Death Eaters? Wasn't it? I stumbled and backed away, wanting out of this dream. I'd truly ruined their lives, hadn't I? Should I find them and undo what I'd done, if I could? I careened to the door and burst outside, running down the street of Leeds to nowhere. I stopped in the middle of the street, invisible to everyone in this future, clutching my head and praying, begging, for this dream to end.

I thrashed awake in my four-poster bed, feeling emotionally and physically disoriented.

"Oh, good. How're you s'pposed to sleep tonight if you have a long nap?"

"Huh?" I said, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

Lia glanced up from reading a textbook on her bed. "You weren't asleep for more than a few hours, so you should be alright to sleep tonight."

I rubbed my face vigorously, my heart racing in panic at the dream that I'd just had. I'd really ruined their lives, hadn't I? Either way, they were doomed to suffer because they'd had the complete and utter misfortune of being my family. I clawed at my tie, ripping it off and tearing at the uniform shirt buttons holding my collar tight against my neck. I felt hot and stuffy and trapped by my clothes, like I'd cast an intense heating charm over myself.

"You alright?"

"Y-yeah," I choked out, feeling suddenly dizzy and nauseous. I got up and stumbled to the dormitory door, throwing it open and leaving before Lia could comment. I ignored the glances from the other Ravenclaws in the Common Room, who were wondering why I was running from my dormitory like a bat out of Hell after curfew. Being caught by Prefects on patrol was the least of my worries.

As I ran down stairs, making for the ground floor of the castle, I grew increasingly sweaty and hot, though not from the exertion. I was panicking, shaking all over, wrecked by the image of my parents grieving my supposed loss. I wanted to scream that I wasn't dead, as if that would carry to their ears all the way South in Leeds. Instead, I rolled up my sleeves and wiped the sticky sweat from my eyes and face. It felt like there was an iron band circling my chest.

When I careened through the archway to the Clocktower Courtyard, I practically sighed from how good the cold January night air felt against my burning skin. But it wasn't enough. I sat down on the stone bench beside the fountain to rest my shaking legs, suddenly very tempted to splash some of the frigid water on my face and neck, even though it was full of decomposing leaves and other plant matter. I settled for bending down to rest my cheek against the cold stone of the bench.

In October, before I'd decided to obliviate my family, before I'd fancied Sirius, I'd sat here with Remus, asking him about the full moon that had been about to happen that evening. Had that really been this October? So much had changed since then. I hardly felt like the same person now. I started crying, letting the tears drip onto the stone, feeling the grief like a physical burden on my back that was crushing me to the ground.

I don't know how long I'd been there, shaking and crying with my cheek against the stone like a madwoman, when the silence was broken. "Kersti?"

I jolted upright, my head swimming from the sudden movement, though it didn't stop the tears. Sirius was hesitating under the arch of the entrance, where the passage from the castle merged into the courtyard. He looked terrified for some reason, probably because I was acting mad. He was unsure of himself, which was so unlike him.

"What're you doing out here?" he said, leaving his spot to walk towards me.

I tried to dry my eyes. "Having a good cry, what does it look like? Oh, and being a fucking trainwreck."

Sirius stared as he drew ever closer, and I grew more and more embarrassed about my new-found tendency to bawl my eyes out in front of him. He sat down next to me, a warm presence that I longed to lean into. He was the only one who could lift my spirits nowadays, it seemed. I started shaking as the tears fell harder.

He laid a hand on my shoulder, drawing me into him for a hug. He held me to him with both arms, letting me cry into his outer robes and not saying anything for a while, like he had in the bathroom at the party.

Tightening his arms around me, he finally said, "D'you want to tell me what's bothering you, kitten? Or we don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to."

I pulled back from him, trying to furiously wipe the tears away.

"Was it a vision? Or a dream?" he asked, his warm hand resting on my leg.

"I was having a nap and…" I rubbed my burning eyes some more. "I'm a slave to seeing the future, Sirius," I said, finally looking up. "I don't know how much longer I can do this."

He wrapped his hand around mine, his grey eyes scanning my face. "I know," he said quietly.

"I wanted to do the best thing for my family, but they always suffer no matter what I do. Instead of getting tortured by Death Eaters, they'll be out there, grieving my loss because I gave them a false memory that I died in a car crash when I was twelve. I still caused them pain," I said, the words bursting out of me in my frustration and sadness. "I still cause them pain because of what I am."

Sirius watched me, squeezing my hand. "I know. I know it's been rough recently, kitten."

I nodded and more tears leaked out of my face.

"I know I can't do anything to take away the pain, I can't change what's happened. But… will you let me help you get your mind off what you saw?" he said.

"You don't have to," I mumbled.

He smiled sadly and raised his hand to wipe the fresh tears from my cheeks. "But I want to. I don't like seeing you cry, though I know it's… Well, it's understandable with what you've gone through. I just…" He swallowed. "I want to see you happy again," he whispered.

"O-okay. Whatever you have planned, it's not painful, is it?"

He gave me a lop-sided grin. "Of course not, kitten. I'd never do that to you."

I managed a wobbly smile. "I trust you."

He smiled. "I know." He stood up, still holding my hand in his. "Come on, kitten. I think you'll like this."

I let him pull me to my feet. "I dunno…"

He tucked a stray curl behind my ear. "I promise you'll like this. You've said yourself that this helps, and I know it does too."

I cocked a brow. "We're going to get monged on firewhiskey?"

He barked out a laugh. "No, this is more… physical. And we'll have all our mental faculties. And we won't have hangovers in the morning."

"Lead the way, I guess," I said.

He squeezed my hand and grinned before pulling me along after him.

"How'd you find me?" I asked as he led me out of the courtyard and into the grounds.

"With the Map. I saw you running down from your dormitory. I'd been keeping an eye on you this evening, just in case…" He smiled sheepishly.

"S'okay, Sirius. I know it's because you're worried about me. I don't mind."

He squeezed my hand and smiled in response before continuing. "So I saw you running on the Map and I reckoned something was wrong. I wanted to…" He ran a hand through his hair, swallowing again. "I want to be there for you."

I squeezed his hand back. "Thank you, Sirius."

He squeezed my hand harder. "Of course, kitten."

I squeezed with all my might. "How's this?" I strained to say while I put all my energy into crushing his hand.

He easily squeezed my hand even harder, making a funny face. "How's this?"

We looked at each other and burst out laughing at our ridiculousness, going back to holding hands like normal people.

"You win," I conceded.

"I know."

"Silly dog," I said, poking at him.

"Sore loser," he teased, poking me right back.

"Yeah? Well, you're just a… a… Fuck!" I exclaimed, laughing at my loss of words.

"'Fuck!'" he said in a high-pitched girly voice. "I'm a… 'fuck?'"

I laughed, watching him fondly as we descended the grassy slope down towards Hagrid's hut. "How do you do this?"

He cocked his head. "Do what?"

"This." I gestured between us. "You make me laugh even if I'm feeling like total, utter shit."

He grinned. "Dunno. I just do. And I don't like seeing you sad."

I half-laughed, half-sighed. "I dunno either."

"We just get along, kitten. You don't have to label it or anything."

"I know. It's just… very surprising that I'd get along so well with you of all people."

"Why's that surprising?"

I shrugged as we stopped on the periphery of the Forbidden Forest. "We never knew each other until this year, and if I'd… seen us in a vision or dream last year, I would've thought I'd finally gone well and truly mad."

Sirius stood facing me, mist-coloured eyes pale in the darkness. "I didn't expect to meet my best mates when I came to Hogwarts in first year. I didn't expect to be sorted into Gryffindor either, though I wanted to and knew it might happen. Well, there are a lot of things that happened here that I'd've never expected. Reckon there're a lot more things to happen that I can't guess at right now."

I stared back. "I'd rather live my life in the moment like you, never knowing things before they happen. I hate being a Seer and I wish I could give it all up to be normal. But I can't do that, I've tried. So I just spend all my time running away from what I am."

He squeezed my hand. "I know, kitten. I know what it's like to run away—" he chuckled— "in more ways than one."

"I'm not a Gryffindor, I'm not brave. I just try to outsmart my problems, but that won't work with dreams and visions. And I can't give up sleeping forever. Not even Dreamless Sleep potions help."

He smiled sadly. "Come on, kitten. Reckon this'll take your mind off it."

He let go of my hand and walked into the forest, the invitation for me to follow clear. I let the darkness of the forest swallow me, my eyes adjusting easily as I walked by the little light that pierced the canopy. Sirius was waiting for me, standing next to an enormous old oak that made him look like a tiny ant. He grinned, seeing me, and stepped farther away from the tree. In one elegant, graceful motion, Sirius gave way to Padfoot.

Padfoot stood, tall and proud, watching me with expectant grey eyes. He wagged his tail slowly, daring me with the heart of a Gryffindor to join him. I smiled slowly. This was a good idea; being in my animagus form, and with Padfoot to boot, would absolutely make me feel better. I shifted quickly, landing on all four paws, my senses immediately sharpening. I turned my regal head to meet Padfoot's unrelenting gaze.

I'd seen Sirius as Padfoot before in the forest in November, but not from this close, with only a stride to separate us. His animagus form was bear-like; he was the same size as me, and there were certainly no tiger-sized dogs in the real world. Like his personality, his animagus form was— quite literally— larger than life. I blinked, watching him watching me. His tail wagged harder, and then he half-ran, half-bounded over to me, full of an indescribable joy that was all his own. He was wagging his tail so hard that it was whacking me, a detail which I found endearing. Could I really inspire this much joy in him?

He bumped against my side, nudging me with his head. His scent overwhelmed me, the faint whiff of dog that always followed him now the dominant one. With my heightened senses, I could take in his nuanced smell and the feel of his body rubbing against mine. I leant my head into him when he licked my face, answering with my tiger chuffs.

He pulled back, cocking his head in confusion at the sound I was making. I would've smiled and laughed if I'd been in my human form at how confused he looked. Instead, I kept chuffing and walked back to him to lean my head against his side. He seemed to get that it was a happy sound because his tail began to wag furiously once more, and he leapt and bounded in circles around me, bumping into me playfully. I nudged and bumped him back, my body vibrating with my happy tiger sounds.

Padfoot bodychecked me harder and I retaliated by trying to cuff him with a paw, claws sheathed. He leapt away, wagging his tail and panting, clearly taunting me. I stared for a moment before I leapt at him. He was too fast for me. He tore off and I dashed after him, claws digging into the forest floor to propel me, my muscles bunching and stretching under my coat. What a tease.

I saw him running ahead of me, but he wasn't simply running straight. He was egging me on, running in zig-zags, circling back as if he needed to slow down for me. I could see the look in his grey eyes; he was toying with me, drawing me into his game to cheer me up. When he had to go around a fallen tree in his way, instead of running to the left to pass it like he had done, I launched myself up onto the trunk and ambushed him on the other side when he came around. Underestimating my strength, I leapt at him and bowled him over with the force. For a dizzying moment, we rolled over in a big ball of fur before I got the upper hand and held him down on the ground with one amber-coloured paw on his side. His tongue lolled and he panted, seemingly content to lie trapped on his side under my gentle paw-hold. I watched him for a minute, but he made no move to throw me off and blinked innocently, though the mischievous thumping of his wagging tail on the forest floor said otherwise. I yawned widely before shaking my head.

My curiosity about his animagus form getting the better of me, I dipped my head down to sniff at his furry side. The black fur on his back and sides was coarser, while on his belly and head it was much softer and downy. Taking my paw off, I crept around him, my nose never leaving his side. His tail wagged a little harder when I sniffed and nuzzled along his head and face, his eyes falling closed. My whiskers were much longer than his and I tried not to poke him with them as I investigated his animagus form.

I rounded to his other side, sniffing along his neck to his legs. I took a long time nosing at his paws, after which he'd been named. The pads were a dusky black, and like me he had a dewclaw on each that was hidden on the inwards side. The pads of his feet were soft but strong, like Padfoot, and like the secret side of him that he'd let me see as we'd grown closer.

After I'd studied and nosed at all of his paws, I moved up his legs to his fur-covered belly. The fur here was a slightly lighter shade of black and was soft like velvet. I was sniffing at the spot just behind his elbow when he nipped at my tail, which had been floating tantalizingly close to his head while I'd been conducting a thorough examination of his body. With a massive heave, Padfoot was on his paws and jostling me, his tail whacking me again. I bodychecked him back and tried to run in a circle around him, though I wasn't as successful.

We walked for ages after we'd settled down from our play. Crossing streams and passing through ravines, I often looked back at Padfoot who was following a few paces behind, only to find him watching me, utterly transfixed. Watching me leap onto a fallen tree trunk and walk along it, he seemed to be in awe of my animagus form. He stopped once next to a gnarled pine, sitting down to scratch behind his ear with a hind paw. If I'd been in my human form, I would've burst out laughing and teased him about it. I resorted to padding over to headbutt him and nip gently at his scruff when he was done satisfying his itch.

In a way, I was more free being with him in our animagi forms. There was a pure sense of joy and immersion in the present moment like this. Instead of my tumultuous emotions and feelings for Sirius and about my recent hardships, the physical world with all its smells, sounds and sights were the focus of my attention. No wonder the Marauders enjoyed full moons so much; spending them with those closest to you like this was joyous and intimate in a new way.

When we had both grown tired of running and roughhousing, we wandered back to the edge of the forest, and I led us to the same clearing that I'd seen the Marauders in, the same tree stretching its branches over the open section of the forest floor. This would be the best place to settle in for the night.

Exhausted from our vigorous running and leaping, Padfoot quickly sat down in the middle of the clearing. He yawned, raised a hind paw to scratch behind his ear, and with a soft groan he stretched out on his side and heaved a contented sigh. Being more cautious than him, I padded around the perimetre of the clearing, pausing mid-stride to flick an ear back and forth. All I heard were the bats flying overhead and deer rustling through the undergrowth, so I turned my attention back to Padfoot.

His side rose and fell in a steady, slow rhythm, his leg occasionally shifting. I stood there drinking him in for a long time. Of course his animagus form suited him well; they always did. Like with Stripes, Padfoot was the other side of the coin. I padded over, dipping my head down to nose a paw. He cracked an eye open and flicked an ear back in acknowledgement, before settling back into his doze. I took another step forward to nuzzle his shoulder, rubbing my head on his thick scruff. He sighed, giving his tail a few slow wags. He gave an even deeper sigh when I nuzzled his head, touching the soft fur on his ears and the top of his head with my pink nose.

When I'd finished nosing at him, I lay down at his back and rested my head on his side, listening to his heartbeats as my head rose and fell with every breath. Even during the cold January night, we would be warm with our thick fur and shared body heat. Yawning widely, I settled in for the night, and in no time the both of us had dropped off to sleep.

The loud twittering of the magpies woke me in the pale morning, though it took a few seconds of blinking for my eyes to adjust. Padfoot was still beside me, his legs moving and twitching in a dream that he was acting out. I yawned and buried my nose in his fur, waiting for him to wake up. At least I didn't have to worry about being caught in Sirius's four-poster by his mates after sleeping the night in the dormitory, though no doubt they could see us on the Map. This was certainly also a more discrete sleeping situation than my bed.

Beside me, Padfoot woke and gave a big stretch before sighing deeply. I wanted to memorize his smell and the touch of his fur before we had to leave. His tail thumped against the ground slowly as I got up to nuzzle and sniff his head and face. When I turned away to near the edge of the forest, he leapt up and walked next to me, bumping into me affectionately. We paused just inside the cover of the trees, looking out at the grounds and the castle. I looked at Padfoot, committing the image of him to memory, before I shifted back.

"Feeling better, kitten?"

I brushed some stray leaves off my robes. "Yeah."

"Good." I met his gaze, flushing at how intensely he was staring at me. "Fancy coming to breakfast with me?"

"You mean with you and James and Remus and Peter. Oh, and Lily too."

He grinned. "You know how it is."

"I do know how it is."

"I mean it, do you want to? Or are you irritated about them being there too?"

I shook my head and chuckled. "No, of course not. I was just taking the piss."

He stepped closer to pick a stray twig out of my hair, and then caught me by surprise with a sweet, tender kiss. "Sorry, couldn't resist," he admitted.

I smiled and snuck in a surprise peck of my own. "Well, now we're even."

As we started up the grassy slope to the castle, he smacked my arse. When I turned to look at him, he looked away, affecting an innocent air and pretending not to know what I was looking at him for. I smacked his arse back.

"Merlin's arsehole!" he said, barking with laughter and trying to cover his arse with his hands.

"Come off it, I was just getting even."

"You're voracious, you know that?"

"You're one to talk," I teased.

He pinched my arse when I let my guard down, and laughed when he saw my expression.

"Sirius, I'm going to give you a rather horrendous and repugnant 'snog, marry, kill.'"

He barked with laughter and poked me. "Probably not that bad. I give worse ones."

"Don't even tempt me, you silly dog."

"Isn't that the point?"

"You're such a tease."

"You know you can't get enough of me, kitten."

"You can't get enough of me either."

"I can't deny that. That's the truth."

When we reached the doors to the Great Hall, Sirius paused. Looking at me, he said, "Are you going with anyone on the Hogsmeade trip tomorrow?"

"Oh, er… tomorrow?" I rubbed my face. "Jesus, I've been so out of it, I didn't even know that was happening."

His eyes scanned my face quickly. "So, er… you're not going with someone else?"

"No."

He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "Do you, er… want to go with me, kitten?"

I grinned. "Of course. I'd love to."

"Thank Merlin," he sighed, pretending to clutch his heart.

"I wouldn't want to go with anyone besides you."

He grinned widely. "I wouldn't want to go with anyone besides you either."

My heart raced and my cheeks burned as Sirius and I stood outside the doors, staring at each other like a pair fit for the loony bin, until some seventh-year Gryffindor boys walked by, wolf-whistling and clapping when they saw us.

"Nice bird, Black," one of them called out.

Sirius turned and growled, "Piss off, Rollins."

There was a chorus of hooting, which thankfully faded as they entered the Great Hall.

I rolled my eyes. "Bloody idiots."

Like the other times when I'd been seen with Sirius in the Great Hall, stares followed us as we walked down the table. Lily and James were farther down, chatting with some Prefects, his hand resting on her lower back. Remus and Peter were closer to us.

Remus looked up and his eyes went a fraction wider when he saw us arriving and sitting down together, still grinning like idiots. "Good morning," he said.

"Morning, Moony," Sirius said, reaching for the pumpkin juice.

Peter gave me the stink eye, which I ignored for the sake of Sirius.

"How was your, er… night?" Remus asked.

Sirius hummed noncommittally. "Pass me that goblet, mate," he said to Peter.

"There were two empty beds in the dormitory last night. It was only me and Moony," he grumbled, ripping open a packet of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans with more force than was necessary.

Sirius grinned. "Good for Prongs, then."

I focussed on pouring myself a cup of tea to stop my laughter. "A cup, Remus?" He nodded and I poured him one too.

Peter cast a longing look down the table at James, who was still with Lily and the Prefects.

"Stop making lovey-dovey eyes at him, Wormtail. He'll be back," Sirius said.

Remus concealed an unexpected giggle by raising his tea cup to his lips.

"Padfoot," James said, finally appearing and plunking himself down on the bench next to Remus.

Lily smiled knowingly as she slid in beside him. "Hi, Kersti."

"Hey."

"Did you enjoy your time last night?" she said, pretending to look innocent as she grabbed a plate.

My answer was only a wry twist of the lips before I raised my teacup for another sip.

"Wormtail said you had a good time last night, Prongs," Sirius said with a mischievous expression, laying a hand on my thigh under the table.

James grinned and ruffled his hair. "Apparently you did too."

Sirius shrugged and smiled conspiratorially at his best mate, while Remus muffled his laughter with a cough.

"Fancy another double date?" Lily asked me and Sirius.

Sirius glanced at me before answering her. "Dunno."

I couldn't help but smile; he knew that with my grief and sadness, I might not be in the mood to pretend to be alright around Lily and James. He really did know me.

Lily and I laughed as James and Sirius served themselves a ridiculous amount of food and began tucking in. "Filling the hollow legs again?" I asked.

James rolled his eyes amicably. "Not my fault I'm always hungry."

"Not our faults," Sirius corrected. "We are always hungry. Right, Moony?"

"Unfortunately, yes. And I'm not always up for a kitchen raid."

"Yeah, because you 'value your beauty rest,'" Sirius quipped.

"And you don't? You're notoriously hard to get up in the morning, Padfoot. Half the time it's you making us late, the other half the time it's Wormtail."

James snorted with laughter. "He's got you there, Padfoot."

"I concede defeat, alright?"

The boys hooted with laughter as they teased him, though it was obvious that it was all in good fun because Sirius started laughing with them. As I watched him, for the first time I thought that maybe the scenes from the future where we were together might come to fruition. And why shouldn't my predictive dreams of us be correct? There was no one else I wanted anyway, no one else I valued as dearly as him, no one who understood me as well as he did. If he weren't careful, he might never be able to get rid of me.