Chapter 41. December 28 – December 30 (AM),εуλ0007

They didn't have much choice – given the limits of their transportation, Gongaga was the only efficient destination to reach. Not that either Aerith or Tifa particularly wanted to revisit the town, but both tacitly discarded their reluctance, untied by a shared concern for Cloud.

The man was still unconscious. Tifa, guilty for putting him in that state, wouldn't leave his side. It was a long time before she would speak a word. "He gave the Black Materia to Sephiroth," she said flatly, as if she had no opinion on the subject. But Aerith knew better.

"Tifa," she said seriously. "Forgive him." She paused. "Like I forgive him for hitting me." Tifa's eyes dropped, and Aerith knew she had hit a nerve – the worry that deep down, there was something fundamentally wrong with Cloud. And could Aerith really blame her?

Keep the faith, Aerith thought, as a solemn silence settled between the two women. Just a little longer, Tifa. Let's keep him on target, this will all be settled soon.

Barret loaded Cloud's dead weight onto the sole bed in Gongaga's inn, wondering. Tifa's feelings for Cloud, clear as always, but after what they had just experienced – was there still a chance he could make her happy? He didn't know anymore WHAT to make of this sack of complexes they'd been saddled with – just when he thought they had the guy figured out, he'd have to pull some shit like this.

Barret came to Tifa's side, looking over Aerith as well; Cure spells had taken away the bruises, but Barret had seen them before they were erased. He left it to Tifa to tend to Aerith, walking away angrily and leaving them with the unconscious Cloud; Aerith regretted not having a chance to talk to Barret more. And she had little time left.

As Aerith and Tifa together looked down at Cloud, somewhere deep in sleep, Aerith considered the choices she'd made. She'd told Cloud everything was okay. Same as Tifa – she'd lied to him, thinking it best. So many secrets that it seemed necessary to hold, for fear of destroying his soul – but in the end, was it doing him more harm than good?

She couldn't ignore the inevitable result, though. Cloud had failed the test… moving forward, she couldn't count on him. He'd set her path as much as she'd set his; it was time for her to separate, strike out on her own. But she fretted about leaving him unguided; knowing she'd be leaving, she desperately needed to pass the burden of caring for Cloud on to Tifa. She found herself unsure what to say, in what the other woman didn't realize might be their last moments together for quite some time.

She knew now; the Temple had shown her the way. The White Materia, there to oppose the Black, its answer, its response – and it could only be activated by a Cetra, only if she was free of all hesitation. She'd have to be strong for the next step, ready to go it alone. There had been a chance otherwise, until Cloud had given away the Black Materia; but in that moment, it became her cross to bear.

Nothing to be done… except to hope for the best for Cloud.

Tifa, I leave both Cloud and Marlene to you, she thought, reaching for Tifa's hand to give it a reassuring squeeze – Tifa turned to her in surprise. Aerith realized she'd been clinging, to Cloud and Tifa both; but even leaving them behind now, at least she could take some inspiration from them. Find some courage. Tifa had no shortage of that, so strong, so unafraid.

"How do you tolerate aloneness?" Aerith suddenly asked, surprising Tifa.

"Well, really – not very well at all," the other woman admitted. "But at times I had no choice. My master – Zangan, I think I told you about him?"

"You mentioned him," Aerith answered.

"Well, he said loneliness was one of his lessons to me." She swallowed, looking towards Cloud. "I – I try. It's hard sometimes, though." Hurt crossed Tifa's face, and Aerith didn't want to ask any more.

She'd had her own share of loneliness- but she had never been truly alone, and that was the difference. Sector Five and his citizens had always been there, a human cocoon of sorts; and then of course, the eternal presence of the Turks. But those were external. And that was the difference between she and Tifa, she realized – she always prayed to the outside world for guidance; while Tifa found her strength in chakras within.

"But," Tifa surprised her by continuing. "The thing about being alone… about solitude… it makes you aware. You notice things maybe you didn't before, your surroundings. That's what I was taught to understand."

"Huh," Aerith said, contemplating. Another silence stretched, both women lost in their own thoughts.

"Do you ever wonder about destiny?" Aerith suddenly found herself asking.

Tifa looked even more confused. "I've never much thought about it," she said. "Why are you asking?"

"I'm… not really sure," Aerith admitted. Because she wasn't. Except perhaps a free-floating fear of what she was facing next. Was she destined along a definite path? Or was It just that circumstances and choices had made some things inevitable? She supposed… that was a sort of destiny. "Are any of us really truly free?"

Tifa just looked at her, unsure what to answer, and Aerith quietly let the subject drop.

With Cloud out of commission, the remaining eight laughed and talked jovially over dinner, even as a thin current of unease ran through the party. No one much seemed to notice Aerith was being quieter than usual, deep in thought as she patiently waited out the evening. One by one, they dropped off and went to bed, or at least away – and after Cait powered down and she could be sure Shinra wasn't watching, she knew it was time.

She'd packed her satchel earlier, pretending to be merely organizing for the night – there wasn't much she needed to bring with her anyway. Her weapon - her staff, but for the most part, her weapons were all inside. She checked for the White Materia, nestled firmly in its bow; paranoid about losing it now even though it had only fallen out once in all these years.

Stealthily, she left the inn, but after a few steps she paused, looking back regretfully; wishing there was an easier way, even though she knew full well all other options had been exhausted.

A rustle in the bushes startled her, but as soon as she saw who it was, she knew they had meant to be heard. Vincent slunk out of the shadows, jewel-red eyes glittering so bright she could have almost believed them mako-lit; she wondered if he indeed never slept.

"You're leaving." It was not a question. Nor did he ask why.

Aerith cocked her head. "Aren't you going to try and stop me? Tell me this is a stupid idea?" That was what any other member of the party would have done.

"Cloud is… out of commission," Vincent said by way of reply. "You will do what must be done in his place."

Clearly, he understood as well as Aerith herself did… the path that had been opened up by her vision quest in Cosmo Canyon, now the end of the road in sight. "It's only me." She didn't want to admit even to herself how much those words frightened her. "I'm the best chance to beat Sephiroth." Now that the Black Materia was involved… that was true more than ever.

Vincent nodded. "Best of luck, then. Perhaps we will be reunited earlier rather than later."

"I hope so," she replied, but Vincent had already turned and somehow melded back into the shadows, leaving her staring into the darkness. Resolute, she finally turned from the building, heading for out of town.

Leaving the town proper was a relief, the reminders of Zack all too painful. But it was a help as well, as she clung to the memories that she hoped would help her along the next step. Memories have power, she reminded herself. It was something every Cetra knew within their blood – because memories were the makeup of the Lifestream itself. And that power was what she was counting on to help her now

She was headed for the reactor; more specifically, the river that ran near. It would be far too long for her to travel alone to where she was going, but she had a hunch that could speed things up. She'd been able to travel through the Lifestream over dreams before with little but her own power, if only in an insubstantial way; with all the residual energy in the reactor, she thought she might be able to travel whole.

Arriving at the stream, she chose a spot where familiar yellow flowers grew, as if they were there to guide her to yet another reunion. She bent down to trickle her fingers in its bubbling flow. Water, that was the key, an element she had a natural affinity for. Using the mako of the reactor to join the power of the Lifestream to the river… she thought she might be able to travel anywhere this water might go.

She felt herself slide in, the sensation warm and soothing, almost sensual. It brought back memories of the way Zack had touched her; she allowed herself to focus on those, let the warmth of those memories embrace her. She felt herself dissolving, the rush of the Lifestream supporting and welcoming her, and she set her intention firm in her mind.

When she felt herself reform, she knew she had succeeded. Heavy forests of redwood and pine greeted her instead of the molten jungle of Gongaga; the chill in the air told her she was far further north.

Determined, she set forth, but as her body moved, she felt her mind go free. There was one more dream she had to visit soon enough, but she had to reach the right place first…

White…

He found himself once again in that strange in-between space – something like a dream, yet something more as well.

Could it be… the Promised Land? How did he get here? He couldn't remember. So many things he couldn't remember… and he didn't think he could bear yet another slipping away. But – he changed his mind – he didn't WANT to remember, he realized, as the memory slowly came back to him. The Black Materia. Attacking Aerith.

Something deep inside, crying out to him, like his insides twisted out, even as he was helpless to control himself, more split than ever.

Useless once again.

"Cloud can you hear me?"

He'd descended into something closer to a regular dream, surrounded by forest strangely lit from all directions in the way dreams often are. Trees... above, surrounding, everywhere, and a surreal light that didn't trickle down through the leaves but rather seemed to come from anywhere and everywhere at once. But Aerith's voice…

"Aerith? Are you there?" he called back.

Her smiling face peeked out from behind a tree too thin to hide her. Cloud felt suddenly ashamed to show his face to her.

"Aerith…" he began awkwardly. How could he begin to repent for what he'd done? "I can't ask you for forgiveness."

"Don't worry about it,:" Aerith told him, as cheerfully as she could manage. "You weren't yourself." The part she couldn't tell l him… how he straddled a razor's edge, little to keep him from falling to that side all over again, Even in order to pull him into this dream where Sephiroth would be weaker, it was taking a great deal of her power to hold off on the bond that she suspected he had to Sephiroth. Or Jenova?

Here she could protect him , confine this dreamsphere to just the two of them, for the few minutes she needed to say the things most important to say, and check on him as best she could. She looked up at the trees, expecting to see the glimmer of the Lifestream above, enveloping the two of them in this temporary bubble of reality. It was invisible behind the dense canopy, but she knew it was there, and it nourished her, consoled her.

"I'm worried about you," she said, inadvertently echoing his words to her while she was trapped in Shinra's lab. But wasn't he trapped himself now? She could see Cloud's gashes and tears more clearly than ever. How did it have to come out in such a graphic way? She regretted now more than ever not having talked to Tifa more – but she'd had to leave so quickly, she'd simply had to trust Tifa to take care of him in the meantime. To keep that precious core of Cloud unbroken.

It had to be Tifa. She understood that now. She couldn't carve the path back to the boyish innocence he'd lost through events she as not privy too. She could only hope to encourage the side she DID know, nurturing it like a delicate flower.

"Where are we?" he asked her.

She bent down to pick one of the yellow flowers that had sprouted spontaneously beneath her feet. The flowers to draw Cloud, hold him there; she could bring him to wherever those flowers were.

"Just a dream," she told him, although in fact it was something more than that; this time, instead of going to him, she'd pulled him to where SHE was. The boundaries in this forest were thin; thinner even than the Temple of the Ancients, her reach easier at the same time it made her own powers stronger. The White Materia hummed peacefully now, though it seemed to be more awake and active the closer she got to her destination.

"But…" Cloud half-stuttered. "How do you do this, anyway? How can we meet like this? Again?"

"A Cetra can cross some boundaries… more easily," she told him. It was really the simplest explanation she could give him for now. "Same as… only a Cetra can stop Sephiroth, now." She'd learned that much at the Temple. "But I have to go to the City of the Ancients to do it. I'm feel like I'm being… led there."

How was she able to stop Sephiroth, was what he wanted to ask her. But he kept his mouth shut. "You're no quitter," he tried to encourage her, however reluctantly. She was strong, yes, but same as Tifa, he couldn't avoid his instinct to protect her.

He had… if not a promise, at least an obligation to her. The same, only different. Unspoken, unwritten. That was simply who he was.

"It's all my fault," he berated himself. "I should be with there to help you."

"It's alright," she assured him. "I'll fix everything. Just wait, you'll see. There's nothing to fear." She knew her trump card now – the power of the White Materia; her task now was to learn how to use it. "Just leave it to me – you need to take care of yourself now, okay? I'll see you soon. I promise." With that, she turned to run off, disappearing into mists where she knew Cloud could not follow.

In the meantime… she hoped Cloud would take this chance. To accept his responsibilities; to keep looking for love and happiness. To understand those were one and the same. All the things she'd hoped to teach him, but in the end, it was Tifa who would have to give him his truest lessons. That made her both happy and sad; never any one best choice.

Felt like the story of her life, really.

Cloud tried to run after her, but she was already gone; the forest around him repeated itself, unchanging, n sign of Aerith to be found. But he hadn't forgotten what he'd said to her in the last dream. I'm coming for you, he told her, and that commitment still stood. But above and beyond that, he could have sworn that he, too, was being led – a thin leash, but he could feel it wrapped around his neck.

He knew. Sephiroth was near. Watching Cloud and Aerith. Waiting.

He willed himself away from the forest. It was time to wake up.

Tifa had been up most of the night; even as the others took shifts, she insisted on being near Cloud whenever he woke up. Nevertheless, he was still unresponsive. Almost peaceful, if it hadn't been for the worried frown that refused to go away. So different from the frightening seizures he'd had at the star; despite all that had happened, she hoped that represented some kind of progress. But then he'd toss and groan in his sleep, and she worried all over again.

She wondered what was causing him such distress this time – was it the same as before, or was it guilt weighing him down this time? Was he torturing himself, even under the blanket of sleep unable to let go? She thought that might be it – his heart, more tender than she'd ever realized, blaming himself for things no one else blamed him for. And though he'd given Sephiroth the Black materia, but it was hurting Aerith that would cut to his core.

:He's coming around," Barret observed. Sure enough, his eyes were half opening, glazed at first but then focusing.

Cloud's first glimpse upon waking this time was not white, but to the plain roof of an ordinary house, rough-hewn rafters criss-crossing his head. Tifa was leaning over him, her face sharpening and giving him something to center on as reality slowly drifted back in. Barret, visible just a tad behind her.

"Tifa," he murmured slowly.

She smiled, a smile of home. "How do you feel?" she asked gently.

"Awful." His mouth was dry. "I feel like puking."

"That might be hard to do, with nothing in your stomach for the last day or so." Her smile brightened, amused.

He looked at her in surprise. "How long was I out for?"

"A while. She punched you pretty hard." Under his breath, Barret muttered, "I would have punched you harder, you piece of shit." But there wasn't true anger in it.

"That's the Tifa I know." Cloud could feel himself grinning despite it all. Tifa dropped her lashes shyly, giggling.

"But seriously, Cloud." Tifa's smile dropped. ""There's something I need to tell you." She braced herself, unsure how he would take the news; his mind, at least, seemed less fragile than before. "Aerith is gone."

As soon as she said it, she realized how it sounded. But he didn't freak out, calmly ingesting the news. "I know," he finally said.

To Cloud's surprise and relief, Tifa didn't question HOW he knew. He pulled himself to sitting, grabbing both her hands in his to look very seriously into her eyes.

"Tifa," he began. "Sephiroth knows, too."

Tifa looked down at him with all the kindness she meant to him. "Then we'll face him together." It wasn't a question.

He hung his head. This was going to be hard to say. He'd been looking to Aerith to lead them through the territory he knew nothing about – the Cetra world. And she'd taken that lead and gone out on her own.

"Aerith is going to the City of the Ancients," he explained. "She says she can stop Sephiroth there. I don't know how."

"Sephiroth?" Tifa asked, worried. "We need to go after her. If he's there, she could be in danger!"

"That's the thing – I don't know if I can go on." He swallowed. "Sephiroth… I don't understand. He has some kind of hold on me. I don't know what it is. I could be putting you in danger." I already put Aerith in danger. "You have to do this for me. Please, I can't…"

Shades of tears appeared in Tifa's eyes, affection wavering with the doubt she was trying to fight down; and it struck straight at his heart. "Cloud, you promised…"

Were his own eyes growing wet? It must be his imagination. It's like I said, I'm no hero, I can't keep the promise. "I know, Tifa…"

Quiet until now, Barret jumped into the conversation. "You're a real jackass, you know that?" he interjected, not the explosion Cloud might have expected, simply a statement of fact. "You really DON'T know. You don't know shit about yourself, of you'd be doing something about it instead of passing the buck to Tifa. He motioned widely with his machine-gunned arm. "You really don't get it, do you, Cloud? Tifa gets it. You just… keep on living. Moving forward. It's just what you do. Ah… forget it. Stupid fuck." He threw up both his hands in frustration, and half-stomped out of the room.

"I'm going to go in any case," she told him, resolute. She softly placed her hand on his shoulder, letting it slide off before she, too, departed.

Cloud was left staring at the ceiling alone in the candlelight, no windows to let light in. Scared, confused, and unwilling to admit it, even to himself.

He had to stay near Tifa if he wanted to keep her safe. That, if nothing else, kept driving him. A promise to Tifa; an obligation to Aerith; and here they happened to coincide. It was making the decision for him, like it or not. He sighed. "I can't run away from them. I can't even run from myself," he told the ceiling.

Murmurs were heard from the other room; only one thing came through clearly. "I believe in him…"

He thought some more. If Tifa said she was going, that meant everyone was planning to go. Knowing that, would he even have the guts to stay back? What would they think of him then? They called him leader; they were counting on him. Nanaki. Cid. Vincent. Yuffie.

Barret.

Tifa…

He could hide from everyone else, but he could never bring himself to run from her.

But instead of protecting her, here he was clinging to her, a tenuous thread on which to hang his own sanity. Perhaps he always had. He'd only recently realized how much that was true, how constant a presence she'd been for him – hell, he'd always KNOWN, maybe now he was just learning to accept it. And from there, maybe, the courage to return the favor.

I'm afraid, Tifa. I'm afraid of the truth. Are you willing to find it out with me?

He still had doubts, but after the moment they shared in Nibelheim, those doubts were maybe just a touch smaller. Perhaps he couldn't help as perfectly as he'd hoped, but in Nibelheim, he'd renewed his resolve not to stop trying. Not to give up. Even if he often thought they'd be better off without him. He'd made a promise and he wouldn't, COULDN'T break it outright. He just had to figure out the best way to fill it…

He owed HER.

He owed Aerith. And damn it, he sure as hell owed Sephiroth.

He got to his feet, slowly crossing the room. Opening the door, Barret's and Tifa's heads turned to him as one –

And just one look into her eyes told him everything he needed to know.

"You'll be with me, right?" he asked, all his heart in his voice. To keep me sane… to remind me who I am…

I need you, Tifa.

She looked back at him, soft, so soft. "Always," she told him, the look in her eyes that one of absolute trust that always sent him to pieces.

"And if not," Barret interrupted, "I'll be there to hit you upside your spiky blond head."

Tifa laughed out loud at that, a sound so delightful to hear. Cloud couldn't help but crack a smile.

He could do this.

Aerith, I'm coming…