I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.
It was summer and Sodapop had been back home for a few months. Greg had to return to his life back up north and I realized how much he'd meant to all of us. He was a calming comfort and I worried for Soda when he was no longer around.
Sodapop was trying to adjust to life after war and a lot of that nightmare had followed him home, but he never spoke again about his time in Vietnam other than about the night Steve had literally laid his body on top of his to save his life.
When I asked, he said that he didn't want to bring that darkness in our home when so much else had already happened. It bothered me, but I didn't want to push my brother, knowing he was doing the best that he could to acclimate back to some sort of life post war and without Steve there for him. For the time being, I focused on the fact that he was home and in spite of the adversities, we were a family again.
"Penny for your thoughts."
Beth wrapped her arms around me from behind as I gazed out the kitchen window to that old oak tree. I grinned realizing I'd done a lot of my reflecting about life while staring at the symbol of my past; reminding me of just how much we'd all grown and how much we'd all overcome.
I grinned looking down at the cup of black coffee in my hand, thinking of some cheeky quip to get a rise out of my wife, but she was quick to the draw as I turned my head towards her and cocked an eyebrow.
"Save it, smart ass." Her mouth twisted into a crooked grin before she pressed her lips against my own.
I could taste the cream and sugar on her lips from her own coffee, and she opened her mouth for me as I abandoned my cup to the countertop so I could snake my arms around her. We both laughed; surprised at the hunger we both put into the kiss, but my laugh turned into a groan as I felt her hand slide into the front of my jeans and gently take a hold of me.
"Arrrrgg! You gotta work, no fair!" I pouted as I went ahead anyway and backed her a step towards the hallway so that I could take her back to our bedroom.
Beth's eyes bore into mine as she softly bit into my bottom lip and squeezed me with her hand. I took a deep breath and let my own hands glide down the small of her back, down the curve of her ass to pull her into me—giving my predicament some much needed friction. As I ground my erection into her hip, I didn't notice Sodapop blow in like an unwanted gust of wind.
"Cripes you two, it's early mornin'! Get a room. Poor Pony sees ya and he'll have a heart attack."
Soda snorted a laugh as he went for the ice box and grabbed for the carton of milk. He took a gulp from it before throwing a ridiculous smile at my wife and I.
I gave a loud sigh as I rolled my eyes, pressing my forehead against Beth's, but Beth seemed to find the situation hilarious, and laughed along with my brother before swiftly kissing me on the mouth while she pulled her hand back and wiggled out of my hold.
"Glass, Soda," I grunted before turning toward the counter back towards my coffee, trying to hide my embarrassment futilely knowing there was no hiding from Soda.
Sodapop surprised me by simply putting the milk back into the fridge before he kissed Beth on the cheek and headed towards the bathroom. I took a sip of coffee before my wife was up against my back again; her mouth pressing against the back of my neck.
"You need a ride?" My voice cracked as I tried to get myself under control.
I heard a honk from the front of the house, and Beth was on me again before she slowly pulled away.
"Got a ride from Susan. You'll uh…be okay?" Beth grinned as she patted the hardness that filled the front of my jeans, and then outright laughed as I gave her a frown.
"What's got into you this mornin'?"
Beth shrugged. "Wanted to give you something to think about while I'm working all day."
"You're a brat." I muttered playfully before I yanked on her arm to give her another kiss. "Don't work too hard. I'll have supper on for ya at eight."
"I knew I married you for a reason!" She smiled as she headed for the door.
I laughed quietly to myself, wondering if Beth had always been so sassy or if she'd picked up some tricks from my brothers. God knew in between the fighting with and for each other and all of the losses in between, it was Soda's joy in life to watch me squirm and suffer. Beth seemed to enjoy the same game.
I took another sip of coffee and looked out at the tire swing and the oak tree.
"Hey Darry, ya gotta minute?" Soda called from the bathroom, and without thought I made my way to him.
"W'sup, little buddy?"
Soda was standing in front of the mirror, dressed and looking as though he had somewhere to be. His hair like his little brother's was clean and his face was freshly shaved. He looked at me through the mirror while he fidgeted with the empty sleeve hanging from his left shoulder.
"What do I do with this? It looks stupid."
"Your sleeve?" I asked just to be sure, and Soda didn't judge he just turned to face me while he nodded.
"I don't like the way my clothes fit anymore. Hate the sleeves just hangin' 'round 'n gettin' in my way."
I approached my brother and tentatively rested my right hand on his shoulder and watched his face carefully as I let that hand slide down the stump and then to the empty sleeve. Although it was a topic that Sodapop was still struggling with, he still let me and Pony touch him. It was as though he knew we needed it as much as he did; to normalize his new body and make it real. This was Sodapop—two arms, one arm, or no arms he was our brother regardless.
"What if we pin the sleeve up?" I squeezed the empty cuff of his checkered button-up as though it were his hand, and Sodapop smiled when he noticed the gesture. His right hand reached out for my left hand and he held it.
"That'd probably work. We got a safety pin handy?"
"Yeah, I think Beth has a few. Lemme take a look."
I squeezed Soda's hand and watched him turn to look at himself in the mirror. I grinned and huffed a laugh as he swore quietly and fussed with his hair.
"Shut up, boner!" Soda teased, but broke out into boisterous laughter when my head fell forward to make sure the front of my jeans weren't still bulging out.
"Up yours, ya 'lil shit!" I laughed back before turning to head towards my bedroom.
I could still hear his laughter mocking me as I rummaged the dresser to find Beth's mending kit. It was in the top drawer with her undergarments, and I rolled my eyes at myself as my fingers brushed against the soft satin of her panties and my body started to react out of my control.
"Shit!" I cursed while I quickly pulled my hand out of the drawer along with the kit, and adjusted myself.
I was still shaking my head on the way back to Soda, and he was still chuckling at my expense.
"My, how the tables have turned." His smile was beaming and once again the name Sunshine drifted to my mind.
"What the hell are you grinnin' 'bout?" I muttered embarrassed.
"Nothin', just ain't ever seen my big brother so bent outta shape over a girl before. Glad you at least married her."
"You're a bad influence." I frowned while I distracted myself by opening up the sewing kit in search for a pin.
"Me? What'd I do?" Soda chuckled again.
"I think the lot of ya just wanna see me suffer." I mumbled as I pulled what I was looking for out of the kit, and turned to face my brother.
"Yeah, you sure look like you're suffering!" Soda winked and then cracked up all over again.
"God damn, you're such a pain in the ass! Always were." I smiled fondly.
"Yeah but what would you do without me?"
The question touched upon an ache I didn't know was still there, and I didn't even notice the tear escape until Soda reached up to brush it from my cheek while shaking his head.
"I'm…I'm so sorry, Darry. I…I didn't think…"
"You're apologizin'?" I huffed an embarrassed laugh while I shook my head. "All you been through, little buddy you're the last person on earth that should be sayin' sorry."
"But I kinda stuck my foot in my mouth there, didn't I?" Sodapop looked so sheepish, he could've been Ponyboy right then.
"Yeah well, you're in good company. I don't know how many pairs of shoes I got stuck in mine." I spoke in regret as I busied myself with folding Sodapop's empty sleeve and pinning it out of the way.
"I love you, boner." Soda teased, but I could see in his eyes how much he meant it.
I was about to reply with something snarky when Ponyboy strolled in looking worse for wear. His eyes were squeezed shut to keep the light out, and his leg was so badly jarred it looked as though he were walking on his ankle instead of his foot.
"Pony? Cripes almighty! You alright?" I turned quickly from Sodapop, and grabbed hold of Pony's arm.
"Pee!" was all Pony garbled out as he grimaced and stumbled towards the toilet, breaking free of my grasp.
I turned back towards Soda when Pony frantically hiked down his pyjama pants, and I caught notice of Sodapop's expression as he watched his brother with concern.
"Okay?" I checked in, and winced when he shook his head.
"Bad night," Soda spoke under his breath. "Barely slept a wink."
I nodded understanding that it'd be a rough day ahead for Pony, but knowing my job would be to keep things as normal as possible for him.
"What're you up to today? You look good." I turned back to Sodapop; making idle conversation until Pony made his needs known.
"I always look good." Soda quipped before patting me on the shoulder. "Gotta early meeting to find out where my pension money's at. I'm gonna need it; ain't nobody gonna hire a greaser with only one arm."
He frowned tiredly before looking over to our brother and then snapped out of whatever it was he was thinking. "C'mon, Ponyboy. I'll get somethin' ready for you to scarf down 'fore I go."
Soda left the bathroom and I turned to see my youngest brother sitting on the toilet looking exhausted and miserable. I hesitantly turned and followed Soda; knowing both of my brothers were struggling this particular morning, but knowing they needed to come around in their own time and when they were ready to let me in.
Soda was making a chocolate milk for Pony when I detoured to make my way for the living room. Our earlier banter was forgotten, and I saw on Soda's face what probably registered on my own. He followed me, setting the full glass down onto the coffee table while I turned the tv on and switched the channel to cartoons. I sat with Sodapop, and together we waited quietly.
It was silent between the two of us and sure enough, about ten minutes later Ponyboy was limping in from the kitchen with his eyes still half closed.
"Darry," he grunted as he reached out and both Soda and I leapt to our feet.
"Okay, little buddy. It's okay." I spoke gently as I let him grab onto my arm to steady himself. "You need me to carry you?"
Ponyboy shook his head vehemently, and both Soda and myself cracked a proud grin. Despite it all, Ponyboy was as tough as they came.
"Why'd you get up, honey? You were tossin' and turnin' all night. Go back to bed, it's still early."
Soda flopped down on the couch and patted the cushion next to him. Pony rubbed at his eyes in frustration as I held onto him and led him along to where our brother was waiting.
I eased down to Soda's right, my hand still clutching at the hem of Pony's undershirt while he tried to catch his breath.
"You wanna lay down in my bed?" I offered, knowing it brought comfort to my youngest brother when he was out of sorts.
Ponyboy just shook his head while he continued to rub his eyes.
"Then tell me what you need, Pony. I ain't no good at guessing." My voice was firm as I let my hand wrap around my brother's elbow.
"Just you," he whispered, and I frowned when I noticed the tears spilling despite the fact that his hands were trying to hide his face.
I sat up straight at the edge of my seat and tugged my brother's arm until it fell and he was looking at me.
"You got me, kiddo. It's okay, Pony. Come over here. You got the both of us, babe."
He shook his head again, although he offered zero resistance when I pulled on him. He didn't even stick an arm out to break the fall; instead he crumpled into me as I pulled him to sit over my lap. My arms wrapped around him protectively.
I felt Soda's arm stretch behind my neck so he could shove his hand into our brother's hair while Pony buried his face into my neck, taking those few minutes to be able to let himself go.
I could feel his body relax when my arms tightened around him.
"I'll go down to the Federal Building tomorrow instead." Soda whispered as he gazed adoringly at his brother, but I shook my head.
"No, you'll go today if that's what you need. We'll be okay. You need to take care of yourself too, Pepsi. You're too important."
"I know and I am takin' care of myself." He shrugged. "Just hate seein' him hurt. There's too much hurt in this house."
I felt a strange ache at his words. It was as though he'd felt the home we'd lived in all of our lives had betrayed us—turned its back on us, and I had to swallow hard.
"I know, little buddy." I rested my chin on Pony's head. "But there's a lot of good stuff too—like us bein' together and stayin' together. That's what's important."
Soda didn't even respond.
"You need a ride?"
"Nah, I don't wanna wreck your day off. I'll bus it."
"It's a ride, Soda. A quick ten or so minutes ain't ruining my day off."
"It's across town on the west side, Darry. It don't matter anyways . You're gonna be stuck on the couch today." Soda grinned knowingly and I noticed Ponyboy's breathing had evened out.
"Asleep?"
"Yup!" Soda smiled and continued to pet Pony's hair.
"Seizure or nightmare?" I asked, not really knowing if I wanted to know the answer; not knowing which was worse.
"Nightmare. Think they'll ever go away?"
"Dunno. Will yours?" I asked my brother seriously, because I knew he dealt with his own horrors regarding Martin Campbell before the demons were chasing him down from his time in Vietnam.
"Hope so." Soda looked at me wistfully.
"Well, how long you got 'fore you gotta go?" I looked at my watch. It was 8 o'clock.
"The place opens at nine-thirty." Soda mumbled as he rested his head on my unoccupied shoulder.
"Get some sleep then. I'll drive. Takes a second, but that bus takes forever."
"What if Pony wakes up while you're gone?"
"We'll take him with us. I'll throw him in the back seat." I shrugged. "Don't worry, I got it covered. Close your eyes, we got an hour."
"How's your hand? Steady?"
He looked as though he were about to throw up, and I couldn't help the light laughter bubble up as I held the back of his neck firmly in my hand.
"We don't gotta do this if you don't want to, Pony."
"No, no! I-I want to!" He insisted as he absently rubbed the back of his crooked hand across my cheek.
"Well, best get at it so we don't miss our spot at Vinny's."
He nodded before a look of total concentration covered his features, and he slowly brought the razor up to the side of my face, and made a downward stroke with the blade.
It was hot and on more than one occasion I'd griped about what a nuisance the beard was no matter how trimmed and neat I'd kept it. I hadn't cared when I grew it and my hair out; it was a symbol of a new life that I wasn't interested in living. It was me giving up on ever being truly happy and at peace.
And then I got my brothers back and everything changed.
Although he never said anything in words, my haggard appearance was a bother to Ponyboy. I never knew for sure, but in my heart and in my gut I felt it had something to do with Campbell. I was well aware of the cruelty inflicted on my brother, but he never spoke a word of those two months leading up to my finding him and there were times I wondered.
"Oh God! Sorry!" Pony panicked as he lost grip of my razor and it skidded harmlessly across my jaw.
"S'alright, Pony. Ya didn't cut me. It's okay, little buddy. You're doin' good."
He looked on at me unsure until he took a steady breath and nodded his head before continuing. He was a bit slow and he was a bit too cautious, but when all was said and done, I'd gotten one helluva close shave and I'd gotten Pony to forget about his nightmare—at least for the time being.
"Ain't Beth gonna be mad?" Pony looked worried.
"Why'd you think that?" I asked as I washed the remnants of shaving cream from my face with my baby brother standing just behind me.
Pony shrugged. "She likes it." His voice fell off as he looked at me awkwardly.
"Yeah well, I was gettin' tired of walkin' around lookin' like some goddamned hippie type, so quit your worryin'. You did good, little buddy." I ruffled my fingers through his hair.
"Really?" Pony looked so hopeful, I wanted to squeeze him so tight and make all of his troubles disappear, but I knew that was impossible.
"Yeah, little buddy. You take real good care of me, didn't ya know that?"
"I do? But Beth…" His voice dropped when I decided to just go ahead and wrap my arms around him.
"I'm lost without you, Pony. You know that, right?"
Pony looked sad as he pulled back and shook his head.
"Awe, Pony." My voice cracked and I pulled him back into me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way. You're home to me, kid. You and your brother and Beth…you're all home to me."
"Useta dream 'bout nothin' but him. Now I keep dreamin' that I'm all alone. That you 'n Sodapop are gone 'n I'm all by myself."
I felt my heart sink, and all of the guilt from the past erupted to the surface.
"I sure blew it that night, didn't I?"
Pony was gracious enough to shrug. "No. You were hurt and I said awful things to you."
"I blame myself for Soda leaving. I figured you would too. I was gonna go drink, but suddenly I couldn't. Ran into the train on my way to cool off at home." I took a deep breath. "I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted that. I would never leave you now, you gotta know that."
"I guess I'm scared you'll change your mind. You and Soda…"
"I know why you think that way, Ponyboy. I know that's what Campbell told you, and I know I blew it with you more than a few times and you've had to pay the price."
Martin Campbell still had his claws in my brother—even from the grave, and the mistakes I'd made past and present added to his doubts.
Ponyboy's eyes were haunted at the mention of his name, and I leaned down to kiss his forehead remembering just how close I'd come to losing him. I'd cheated death three times—once with Ponyboy, once with Sodapop, and my own careless actions that almost ended me. I knew just how fortunate I'd been, and I felt I'd learned my lesson ten-fold. It changed me. I wanted to be a better man for everyone in my life.
I heard Pony whimper. His body shuddered as my lips touched his forehead, and his hand moved up and clutched me by my shoulder to pull me closer. It'd taken us a lifetime to get to this place, but it was a comfort to finally have him so close.
We stood there breathing each other in and I realized we were running late for our appointment. I knew how open and vulnerable Pony was, so I broke the moment by blowing a raspberry on his forehead.
"Eww, Darry!" Pony laughed while he winced and looked absolutely disgusted with me.
He pulled away from me hastily while rubbing me off from his forehead.
"You better've brushed your teeth!" Pony whined, and I just laughed.
"I ain't promising. C'mon, little buddy. Let's get our hair cut and go get your brother."
With our hair clean and cut, I thought I saw a smidgen of myself in my youngest brother as he sat in the passenger seat of my under-appreciated Dodge. He had a look of contentment, and maybe like me he was still reeling from the fact that we were on our way to pick Soda up.
Sodapop was still with us. Our brother was alive. I couldn't help the moments of shock when they arose. He didn't die. Soda made it.
I reached over with my one hand to flick Ponyboy's ear playfully, and when he turned to smile at me, the moment was gone, and he was back to looking just like his other brother, but I wondered if I'd just never noticed before. I wondered what other people saw when the three of us were together.
My thoughts were interrupted as I turned into the parking lot at the Federal Building, and a crowd congested the asphalt, yelling and waving signs.
I didn't give much thought to how unpopular the war had become. The moment I thought my brother had been killed, it didn't matter to me whether we won or lost, because to me we already had. Once I realized that Soda had survived, the war was just another bad memory I refused to give anymore thought to. I surveyed the mob crowding the parking lot, and it'd become reality again.
"Why are there so many people?" Ponyboy's voice rasped as he looked on nervously.
I sighed, not wanting to upset my brother any more than he was, but it all became pointless when we both saw our Soda, along with a dozen others struggle to get out of the front door of the building.
"Soda!" Pony hollered as he noticed his brother get a shove, and I slammed the Dodge into park.
"Pony, you stay here and I mean it!" I spoke threateningly as I reached to open my door.
"But Soda…"
"I'll get him, but I need to know you're safe! Stay here, you got it?"
Pony nodded weakly as his eyes filled, but I didn't have the time to worry about him when the angry mob seemed to lose control. I was out of the car and shoving my way into the angry pack to reach Soda, and heard the taunts and just plain cruel words they were yelling at the top of their lungs. As I managed to shove my way closer to my brother, I could see him shut down—face expressionless, and eyes completely void of any of the sparkle they normally always held.
She was an attractive young brunette, and judging from her clothes I figured she was lucky enough to have grown up on the west side with the other well-to-dos. She held her protest sign that screamed "make love, not war" in blazing colors which seemed harmless enough until she got sight of Sodapop. He was clearly traumatized by the chaos that was surrounding him, and she seemed to sense his terror. For a moment I thought she was going to help him out—her face softening slightly as he physically was trying to curl away from the crowd.
"BABY KILLER!" She shrieked above the crowd earning everyone's attention before she spat in Sodapop's face.
I could see the blood drain from his face as he just stood there like an empty shell. He seemed to be shoved along, and he went without a fight as more taunts and insults were thrown his way. As I pushed through the crowd, it was clear they weren't going to let my brother be and I found myself desperate to reach him.
"Soda! Sodapop!"
I screeched, praying he could hear me over the chants and the hollering of the crowd, and felt triumphant for a small second when his eyes locked with mine. The victory was short lived however as I watched Soda's mouth—the look of absolute shame and defeat as he mouthed the words "help me".
We were born and grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. We grew up without the same chances in privileges as those more fortunate, and everything we had we had because we fought for it. Every single day was a struggle to keep our heads up and keep from sinking, but in that was our strength and it all came back in a rush as I stopped shoving and started fighting my way to Soda.
I grabbed for his arm when I was close enough, and fists were flying as I shielded him against the mob with my own body as I fought even harder to clear our path. It was the sirens that seemed to disperse some of the pack; enough that I could finally get my brother to the safety of the car.
Pony scrambled on the bench seat to sit in the middle as Soda and I both fell into the car, slamming and locking our doors while the fuzz arrived to deal with the riot.
"I don't understand." Pony looked as confused as I'd felt, and I really had no answer for him when he looked at me.
When I looked over to Sodapop, his face was unreadable although without any obvious injury.
"Why are they so mad? You're a hero. You fought for us—for them. You almost died! Steve did die! I don't understand, Soda. Why did they call you a baby killer?"
His question came from a place of adoration and admiration. Soda would always be his hero, and having believed he was dead those years only solidified his love for Sodapop even more. He innocently waited for Soda to explain; to tell him the crowd was mistaken, but no words left his lips. Soda simply slumped down in the seat and cried.