As he turned off the light in the bedroom, he experienced a mixture of emotions: anger at Lindsay for putting him in the position to fight for the right to see his son, and at Michael for not accepting his addiction. He was happy that Cynthia accepted his addiction and asked if she could help in any way and that Ted listened to him, making himself available to help him in his journey. Last, but not least, he was elated that Justin had offered to have a meeting at his home in order for him not to miss one. Justin was proving to be a great sponsor and he had begun to think of the man as a friend. He wasn't used to anyone volunteering to help him without an ulterior motive. While Ted and Emmett had definitely offered to be his wingmen when he thought he wanted to try going to Babylon, they had a very long history of friendship. He still felt a little uncomfortable asking them for help, but they seemed to offer their assistance without any conditions.
Brian left the bedroom and went to the kitchen, calling to Justin who was sitting on the couch, "My coffee may not be as good as that little diner we hit on Tuesdays, but it's pretty good. I can make a pot if you want or I can just brew me a pod.
"A pot would be great," Justin said.
Brian put the water in the reservoir and filled the filter with coffee, smelling the rich aroma as he scooped it in. He joined Justin on the couch.
"Let's get started. The coffee will take about 10 minutes."
Justin picked up his 'Big book' opening it to the page where he'd placed a yellow sticky flag. He skimmed it again and then started talking. "Today, I'd like to talk about participation and action. Sobriety is not a spectator sport. In order to address your addiction, you have to take steps to change. Attending meetings is the first step, examining your life is important as well," Justin said. He'd been reading the "Big Book" for a few hours before coming to Brian's home. He wanted to ensure that the meeting tonight was meaningful to him and met his needs at this moment.
He looked toward Brian, ensuring that he was listening. Brian was facing him as he sat on the leather chair, his body leaned slightly forward with a serious look on his face. His phone was nowhere in sight, always a good sign that he was listening and not distracted. He was always surprised at how many people picked up their phones in the middle of a meeting. The meetings were small, maybe 10-15 people at most and it was so obvious when people were looking at their phones and not paying attention to the conversations of their fellow attendees. He often wondered how vested those people were in sobriety.
"I've told you many times that sobriety is not a syllabus where you can check off each assignment until you are finished with the course. Every day you have to work on your sobriety. It can take many forms of work; making active choices not to drink as well as working on the areas of your life that are lacking." Brian nodded his head as Justin talked. While Justin had never led a meeting, he felt that he and Brian had a nice rapport. He hoped that this was a good foundation for his 'meeting' to be successful and helpful to Brian.
"When my dad threw me out, I turned to the bottle to hide from life. I didn't want to face the fact that the man who had raised and nurtured me kicked me out because of my sexuality. I was angry, hurt, and questioned my worth. That was the first time I really poured my feelings into the bottle."
To this day, Justin had such mixed feelings about that time in his life. He was pleased with himself for finally acknowledging his true self, but he often questioned whether he should have told his father. Had he not told his father about his sexuality, he would still have him in his life. On the other hand, had he not told his father, he felt that he would be living a lie and having to keep a huge part of who he was hidden. Hiding a big piece of himself every time he had an interaction with his father would have probably been just as problematic and stressful as his dad kicking him out of his home. Since there really was no way to turn back time or change his choices, whenever those thoughts came up, he tried to quickly dismiss them and move on to thinking about how wonderful his life was now.
"My mom originally sided with my dad, but realized her mistake and she apologized. But in some ways, it was too late. I was already drinking."
"You blame your dad for your drinking?" Brian asked, a little confused. "What happened to taking responsibility for our drinking?"
"I don't blame my dad. I just used him as an excuse to not face our failed relationship. I blamed myself for how he felt. But of course, I know I have no control over other people's emotions. We can't change how people react. We can only change how we react to events."
Brian said, "I think the coffee is ready. Want some? I associate meetings with coffee. Even though the coffee is typically not drinkable, the smell of coffee makes me think of AA."
"Sure. I'll join you in the kitchen and fix mine," Justin said as he followed Brian into the kitchen. Brian got down two mugs as well as the sugar. He opened up the fridge and took out the creamer as well. While he did not typically have a stocked fridge, he had picked up some creamer this afternoon when he and Gus had gone shopping. He knew Justin liked creamer in his coffee and wanted to have some on hand when he came that evening. The two men fixed their coffees to their liking and returned to the living room, sitting down and attending their "meeting".
"That was a difficult time in my life. I started drinking, but then I also poured my feelings into my art. I don't know how I managed to paint anything of value. It took almost a decade of painting before I had my first gallery showing. Then my drinking changed from drowning my feelings to celebrating my success. There was always free booze at an opening. My agent felt it was important to support the art scene and show up to other artist's shows as well as my own." Justin frequently thought about that time in his life, trying to pinpoint when things tipped in the opposite direction.
"So you were drinking for over a decade before you stopped?" Brian said, surprised at Justin's statement. He appeared so wise when it came to sobriety, even though Brian knew he had been sober only a year when they met.
"I didn't have a lot of money when my father kicked me out; so I couldn't buy a lot of booze. I worked at a diner for a while and then moved up to a chain restaurant. When the tips were good, I bought liquor. I painted a little bit at the time, but I didn't have the money for supplies but as I changed jobs and moved up, I made more money. After a few years, I moved up to a more exclusive restaurant and the tips were excellent. I started out by painting during the day, working from 5:00 to midnight and then going back to my room and getting plastered. That worked for a few months, but then I found myself not getting up till noon, hungover and unable to do much of anything until I had to go to work again." Justin drank some of his coffee and enjoyed the respite from talking. That time in his life always seemed like such a blur, an endless cycle of waking, drinking, working, with an occasional session with his paints. He was just thankful that he got through it basically unscathed. Somehow he was able to survive and live to tell the tale.
"You talked about taking action and control, what did you do? What changed?" Brian asked, finding the history very interesting. He enjoyed learning more about Justin. He was surprised as he had never been interested in listening about people's lives.
"I got fired for coming to work late too many times and then went to rehab." Justin drank another sip of his coffee. He was Brian's sponsor and was there for Brian, not the other way around. Sure, Jeremy, his sponsor knew about his past, but he hadn't felt that he needed to burden Brian with the knowledge.
"You went to rehab! Fuck. But I thought you said you've only been sober for a year?" Brian asked as so many conflicting thoughts ran through his head. 'Why hadn't Justin mentioned Rehab? The timelines don't fit. What wasn't he telling him? If Justin couldn't make it in Rehab, then what hope did he have?' He looked at Justin who appeared calm and level-headed as he spoke about his past. While Brian had never been in a rehab facility, he had visions of small rooms, strict order, and regimented activity, almost like a prison. He had difficulty picturing Justin in a place like that. The topic had never come up.
"I have been sober for a year. When I went to rehab, I only stayed sober for two months after I completed the program. I wasn't really ready to take action to change my life. I did it because my boss said he'd take me back if I got clean. I didn't have any money saved since I spent it on booze or art supplies. I didn't feel that I had much choice but to go to Rehab. A big part of sobriety is doing things that help you stay sober. I didn't do that. I went right back to my old habits."
Brian was reeling from Justin's disclosure. He wanted to ask a billion questions but wasn't sure that was his place to do so.
"I know you have questions and I'm willing to answer them. It's okay to ask," Justin said, giving Brian permission to voice his thoughts.
"You just threw me for a loop. What happened? I mean… Okay… You went to Rehab. That failed. Then you started drinking again. But how did you get from waiter to artist?"
"When I got out of Rehab, I started painting and for the few months that I was sober, I built up a large inventory of work. Evidently, being sober helps my creativity. During that short time, I found an agent and he eventually found me a few spots in a small gallery showing." Justin finished his coffee and walked to the kitchen to make himself a fresh one. He hoped that telling Brian about his failure wouldn't hurt his progress. After he fixed a new mug of coffee he returned to the living area.
"It went well. People commented on my style and quickly I was asked to show my work in other galleries. But then, I took advantage of the free booze at openings and the glass of wine offered when I met my agent. I wasn't well-known enough to make a living from my paintings, so I still had to work as a waiter. I hated the job. Waiting tables is a thankless job. I won't go into all the things I hate about it, but just accept that I used it as an excuse to drink." The coffee had cooled down sufficiently that Justin could drink it. He blew over the top of the mug and drank some. "The coffee is good."
"You know the rest. I got drunk at a show and my agent threatened to drop me if I didn't get clean. I went back to my studio, trashed it, and the next day I attended my first AA meeting." Justin got a far-away look in his eye when he remembered that morning. He'd gone to his agent's office, tale between his legs, ready to apologize and promise it wouldn't happen again. When he was a waiter he'd made that same promise many times. Because he was a great waiter and many customers asked to be seated in his section, his manager overlooked his drinking for a long time. But finally, he'd reached his limit and gave Justin an ultimatum: be fired or get sober and come back. He'd gone to Rehab. Since his manager at the restaurant had allowed his tardiness for a long period of time, he thought for sure that his agent would give him a second chance.
"I remember that morning with as much clarity as I remember stepping into my first AA meeting. I had waited until mid-afternoon, ensuring that I was completely sober. I knocked on the huge wooden door of her office, expecting her to smile at seeing me. Instead, she waved me in and motioned for me to sit. She didn't even give me a chance to apologize. She told me to get clean, stop drinking at shows or she wouldn't represent me. I had a real incentive to stay clean." He often replayed that scene in his head. It was a great incentive to not take that first drink. He now made a living from his art and didn't want to go back to waiting tables. It didn't take any work to bring up that memory even though it had been over a year.
"Funny, how certain memories are imprinted in your mind and others you have to work really hard to find," Justin said as he thought of all the memories he had.
"The first time I was threatened with my job which meant I wouldn't have money to pay the rent, but obviously that wasn't enough. Evidently, painting is more important than housing and eating." Justin smiled at Brian, hoping he would appreciate the irony that painting was more important to him than keeping a roof over his head.
As Brian listened to Justin talk about his journey, he realized he didn't find the story boring, but rather found himself very interested. This was something he hadn't expected, but should not have been surprised about. He and Justin talked about the messages and topics in each meeting. It was unusual for him to think back to those topics and to the stories and observations of the other attendees for days and even weeks afterward.
"So your action was going to AA?" Brian asked.
"That was one, but I had a lot more. I spent hours examining my relationship with my father. I finally confronted him. I knew I wasn't going to change my sexuality, but I hoped that having a son who was a well-known artist would override his opinions. Of course, it did not. I took action there. Once I decided to face that demon and make a plan for living without him in my life, I felt a huge burden lift." Justin took another sip of his coffee and then placed the mug on the coaster on the table.
"I had a lot of actions. I attended AA. I thought about my relationship with my mother and other people in my life. I went to different coffee shops, making it a new hobby. I made a plan with my agent to get sparkling water served to me inconspicuously at events. Lots of things, but each one was a purposeful act to address staying sober."
Brian had finished his coffee as well and walked to the kitchen to make a fresh mug. He realized that Justin's idea for a meeting of the two of them was turning out to be very helpful. While they had no input into the topic of a typical meeting, Justin was always able to hone in on bits that might help Brian. Justin was proving to be invaluable. Brian returned to the couch.
Justin had determined the format he wanted to use for their "meeting". He wanted to ensure their discussion felt like a meeting, bringing up a topic and exploring it. He didn't want this to be like their after-meeting talks at the diner. He wasn't sure he could pull that off, but he would try. Either way, he was sure that Brian needed some extra support after the difficult day he had. All of his fears from the last few months had come to a head and he felt that Brian would be very tempted to throw all his progress away, choosing to not deal with all the drama.
"I'm going to step away from the typical meeting since I know what you are dealing with right now. I'd like to discuss some of the actions you have taken and their impact on you. What are you doing to address your sobriety?"
"I guess that would be okay. I'm following your lead. You are just like the leader of our groups, making a statement and asking members to share. However, you have more knowledge about what is currently happening in my life," Brian grinned as he looked at Justin. He was giving Justin a little bit of a hard time regarding his leadership, but he thought Justin wouldn't mind.
"What went through your mind when you received the restraining order?" Justin asked, hoping to show Brian that each of the events that he'd shared with him today was the culmination of his actions.
Brian didn't hesitate to answer. "My first reaction was anger, but that quickly dissipated. I was actually happy that Lindsay challenged my right to my son. Don't get me wrong, I don't look forward to their games, but I was happy to see that my thoughts and fears were vindicated. I always thought that once I told Lindsay that I was an alcoholic, she would use that knowledge to keep me from Gus. That is why I went to the lawyer. The minute I told her what was happening, I was relieved to get it off my chest but also knew that I had legal protection." Brian took a drink of his coffee. He found it soothing, the normality of the action bringing calm to the moment.
"You took action by contacting the lawyer and it helped you feel confident?" Justin asked. He knew how worried Brian was about his access to Gus and the steps he had taken to safeguard his relationship.
"I wanted to tell Lindsay on my own timetable. I had all the power and still do. They may think that they can keep Gus away from me, but I know better. I took the action to ensure my place. I'm not going to stay awake at night wondering if the law is on my side."
"Actions in every part of your life are important. It lets you take control. Prior to sobriety, the alcohol was in control," Justin summarized. Justin was really pleased with the flow of the conversation. It felt like a meeting where someone says something and oftentimes a member of the leader would clarify the statement. This often led to further exploration of the statement on the part of the attendee.
"Right. So telling Michael that I won't put up with his request to go drinking and to Babylon is taking action?" Brian asked, hoping that Justin would agree with his assumption.
Justin could have given Brian a direct answer but decided to return the question. "Do you think it was action? It doesn't matter what I think. This is your life, not mine."
Brian thought for a little while. He pondered all the time and energy he'd put into questioning his relationship with Michael. He'd started out by telling Justin about Michael and their history. He discussed his relationship with Debbie and how it was entwined with Michael. He'd spent endless hours letting the hamsters run amok in his head trying to figure out how he felt about Michael and their relationship. He frequently felt like he was on a seesaw when it came to Michael, his thoughts going up and down. On the one hand, Michael had been his friend for over 20 years, but on the other hand, friends change. Michael saw their friendship in terms of going to Babylon, Woody's, and drinking. Brian would not allow himself to define his relationships by those activities. He wanted more from his life. He finally realized that if he continued his friendship with Michael, Michael would have to change. Brian had learned that no one drives your change but yourself. Unless Michael was willing to change the parameters of their friendship, they couldn't remain friends.
"I had the same epiphany the other day. I realized that I can only change myself; I can't change Michael or Lindsay or anyone else. If Michael doesn't want to change his way of thinking about me, then I had to accept that I can't be friends with him. To answer your question, I do think that was action on my part. I told him exactly what I needed in order to remain friends. The action was my decision to accept my boundaries and what I needed."
"Good. So your action was taking care of yourself and taking steps to do that."
"You always make things seem so clear," Brian said. "Learning that you went to Rehab was a shock but now that I think about it, it is giving me confidence. You were able to see what didn't work and I think you've been able to guide me in my journey," Brian said, trying to reassure Justin that he appreciated the disclosure and didn't think badly about him. "Wait. That didn't come outright. I'm not happy that you didn't succeed when you went to Rehab. It's just that I think I'm benefitting from that failure as you have been able to guide me so that I can succeed." Brian ran his hands across the top of his head, realizing his words still didn't come outright. "Shit!. Look I'm not very good at this talking thing. I just want to let you know that I appreciate your help and whatever helped you get here has made you pretty damn effective in helping me with my sobriety."
Justin smiled. He had been correct in telling Brian about his failed attempt at Rehab. Brian understood that Justin's failure helped him realize what he needed to do in order to be successful. That was his goal and he had succeeded.
"I'm glad I could help. It sounds like you feel pretty good about all the conversations you've had today."
"I do. In the past, I would have just said forget it and probably not even fought for the things I wanted. I think I'm used to thinking that my wishes are unimportant. I always came last or didn't really think about my needs." Brian finished his cup of coffee, relishing the drink.
"We've talked tonight about the culmination of many actions on your part. You decided that you didn't want to hurt Gus and went to AA. You called a lawyer to determine your legal rights. You took Gus for a DNA test. You emptied your liquor cabinet. You've stopped going to Babylon. Each of those was actions. We don't know what actions we will need to complete each day, but we know that every day we have to make the conscious decision not to drink. That is the most important action we need to take. However, all the other actions add up. Without taking the other actions, the action not to drink would be moot. Until we accept that we need to change our lives and ourselves, the actions won't be successful," Justin said as he summarized the discussion. He picked up his mug to take a last drink and realized it was empty. Due to the hour, he wasn't going to make a new cup of coffee. He put it on the table and smiled at Brian.
"I have done a lot of actions. Thanks for pointing it out to me."
"You know, on a totally different subject. I think you've made me a coffee snob. Well, maybe I actually pay attention to the taste. Just today, my assistant said that I should open up my repertoire of foods that I eat. Oh, I also told her about my sobriety today. She was pleased and said she had seen a difference in me at work. At least someone had a positive thought about my decisions," Brian said, tongue in cheek. He didn't really know why he hadn't told Cynthia before today. He knew she was a trusted and loyal employee. He knew she would support him.
Brian stood up to take Justin's empty mug, carrying them to the kitchen, and placing them in the dishwasher. Returning to the living room, he said, "Thanks for coming over and doing this. I've got Gus all weekend. I normally take him back early Saturday night and hit the 8:00 meeting at the community center."
Before Brian could finish, Justin interrupted. "Brian, I told Gus that I would be willing to help him with his photography any time. I'll plan on coming by about the same time tomorrow. It's not a problem. We would normally be at a meeting. We just changed the location to your home."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. But I have an appointment with my agent in the morning, so I better get going. She is like a hawk for being on time. She is still suspicious if I'm late. She says that I'm a hot artist right now and I don't need to fuck things up by being drunk. When I'm late to a meeting, she is always worried that it's due to being hungover."
"Okay."
They got up from the couch and walked to the door. Justin raised his arms to give Brian a hug. "I'm proud of you. I'll see you tomorrow." Then he turned around and opened the sliding door to walk out.
Brian watched him leave, thinking that it was really nice that someone was proud of him. He was even okay with the hug Justin had given him. He frequently saw members hug each other at meetings, but he'd never been a hugger. Maybe, he was changing. He found that he liked Justin's hug.
TBC