Chapter 43
They drove to a country park, walked the dogs and headed back home to organise travel to Ireland for two weeks from then. Then Merlin made lunch while Arthur had a short nap on the living room sofa.
"Well hasn't this been a cheerful day off so far?" Merlin joked
"I'm not sure we're going to have many cheerful days for a while, unfortunately."
"No, I guess not."
"Come on, let's have a lazy afternoon." Arthur picked Aithusa and carried her through to the living room. Merlin stood up, took the plates over to the sink and then followed.
"Take your leg off, I'm not planning on moving for a few hours," Arthur said.
They settled down next to each other and watched a few films. Arthur called Freya to let her know their plans for coming to Ireland and put it on speaker phone do Merlin could hear too.
"You're staying with us, right?"
"We're probably going to be there quite a while so to begin with, yes. But we're not going to intrude for months."
"We'll sort it when the time comes. We'll get the spare room ready for now."
"My room," Merlin corrected jokingly.
"Your old room," Freya retorted, "Which is now my spare room."
"Whatever."
Freya laughed, "So two weeks today or-"
"I'll text over the exact ferry details and everything. We good to bring the dogs?"
"Of course! When did we ever say you couldn't?"
"It's polite to check."
"Ok, well I'll talk to you soon and see you in two weeks."
"Bye sis," Merlin called.
Arthur put his phone away and snuggled up with Merlin, "I'm tired," he yawned.
"You just had a nap," Merlin snorted, "And I'm the one that's been running around after you for months."
"You're perfectly entitled to get some sleep too."
Merlin lifted Aithusa onto his lap and stroked her affectionately.
Over the next week, Merlin settled a little and got more comfortable at home with Arthur. But the week leading up to their departure to Ireland, he was awful. He cried more and had more panic attacks than Arthur could ever remember him suffering before. It took him hours to calm every night and woke looking more and more troubled with each morning.
The night before they were going to leave, everyone went out for a meal.
"Are you sure you don't want someone to come?" Lancelot offered when he and Arthur had snuck off to the bathroom at one point.
"I'll manage," Arthur said, "It's not going to be fun but the more people we have there to fuss over him, the worse it'll be. This needs to be private."
"Ok, well call if you need."
"We'll be video calling for meetings every morning from work."
"I mean about not work stuff."
"Yeah, I know. We will, we'll keep in touch."
"Good. And we can be over in a matter of hours if-"
Arthur hugged him, "It means a lot."
They re-joined everyone at the table and Arthur said to Merlin quietly, "We need to get going, finish your drink, gorgeous."
He nodded, downed the last of his glass and reached for his jacket. Arthur buried around in his pocket for his wallet and got a small wad of cash out. "That should cover our meals. Keep the change or give it as a tip."
Everyone stood up to hug them, muttered comforting words to Merlin and showed their love to him. He just about managed a smile. It was a really peculiar situation to be in. Merlin and Arthur were going away and when they came back, Hunith would be dead. It was truly horrible to think about. Hunith was a mother to all of them and it was heart breaking to know there was nothing they could do. When they all worked full time to protect people and make their lives better, knowing there was nothing they could do to help one of the people they loved most hurt more than they could explain.
In the morning, Arthur found Merlin in the living room while he gripped onto a photo of him, Freya and Hunith, and cried loudly. Killi was sitting next to him on the floor, wining.
"Oh, gorgeous."
Arthur had never seen such heartbreak on Merlin's face before.
"I can't, Arthur. I can't do this."
Arthur sat down beside him, "You need to breathe properly."
"I can't!"
Arthur pulled him up and helped him hop out into the back garden for some fresh air.
"Deep breaths."
Because of Merlin's anxiety attack, they left nearly an hour later than they'd planned to. Something which concerned Arthur greatly. He'd purposefully given them extra time to get to the ferry port and not be late in case Merlin had any wobbles or worries that meant they needed to stop for a break. But he hadn't anticipated setting off late.
Their car was filled to bursting with luggage and Killi was squashed on the backseat but Arthur had reclined Merlin's seat into a comfortable position, handed him a blanket and Aithusa then waited for him to settle before doing up his seatbelt.
"Music?"
Merlin nodded and sat up to choose a CD. Then he lay back again, settled Aithusa on his chest and buried his fingers in her fur. It was Arthur who had suggested he try and sleep for the first part of the journey, especially after the episode that morning. It had worked. When Merlin woke up, Arthur had already stopped twice to let the dogs stretch their legs and they were on the final stretch to the ferry.
"Oh thank god," Arthur joked when he saw Merlin sitting up, "I've been stuck listening to the same CD on loop for hours."
"You're perfectly capable of changing it," Merlin yawned.
"Feeling better?"
"No. We're literally driving to-"
"Don't say it," Arthur pretty much begged, "She still has weeks."
"She should have years."
They drove the rest of the way to the ferry in silence.
When they arrived at Freya's all four adults were set off in tears for some reason none of them could explain. They quickly pulled themselves together for the twins' sake.
"Remember me?" Merlin scooped Rose up, "Woah, you're a lot heavier than the last time I saw you. I don't know if I can take your weight." He pretended to drop her a little bit then catch her at the last second.
She squealed and laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. "So you do remember me? How old are you now? One?"
"No!"
"No? Must be two then?"
"No!" Rose giggled again, "Three!"
"Three? No, you can't be three. She's not three, is she Briar?"
"Nearly four!" Briar said.
"Hm, I'm not sure I believe you," Merlin teased.
"It's true!"
"If you say so." He put Rose down and picked Briar up.
"Why are you here?" she asked.
"Am I not allowed to visit my favourite nieces?"
"You're not allowed favourites," Arthur came in. He'd been unpacking the car and taking care of the dogs.
"Don't tell Belle," Merlin lowered Briar to the ground so the twins could go to greet Arthur.
"The kettle's on," Freya said, "Do you want to see mum today?"
"No, not today."
"I'll tell her you're arriving tomorrow," Freya said understandingly.
"Doesn't she know when we were meant to be here?"
"I told her a few times but…" Freya trailed off awkwardly.
"Oh," Merlin's face fell and he shuffled awkwardly.
Everyone sat together and the girls happily told their uncles about every single thing they'd done since they'd last seen them.
"How's Merlin been?" Matt asked Arthur when they were in the kitchen that night washing up dishes. Freya had taken Merlin down to the waterfall for some fresh air.
"Not good. It's going to get worse. The nightmares will start soon about Will and the fire. And then obviously…"
"It's weird, we've been able to pretend it's not going to happen because we see her every day and we're used to all the ups and downs."
"I wish. It took Merlin an hour to calm down this morning and all he'd done was look at a photo."
Matt winced, "This isn't going to be easy. I'm making hot chocolates, you fancy one?"
"Sounds great, thank you. Can I help?"
"I'm good. Keep me company, though?"
"Of course. Has Freya been managing, then?"
"Yeah, as I say, it's easy for us to forget about it. She has wobbles or little moments but overall we're coping. We have to for the girls' sake anyway. They don't understand what's happening. We're just trying to give them as much time with Hunith as we can."
"Won't that be hard for them once they can't see her anymore?"
"Yes. But we want them to have nice memories with her, not just to have to look at a photo to remember what she looked like."
Arthur nodded in understanding, "I guess none of the mini-team will have grandparents, then."
"The mini-team?"
"Offspring of the big team," Arthur said, "Plus the twins."
"Freya and I aren't in the big team?"
"You live in a different country."
"So do the twins!"
"Yeah, fair point. Send in an application, Merlin and I will fight for you and get you a place."
Matthew smiled, "How long do you think you'll be staying here?"
"Here as in Ireland or here as in this house?"
"Both."
"Depends on how things play out and how Merlin feels. He might want to stay in this house for the memories or he might want to be as far away from it as is physically possible. It's going to be up to him."
"Fair enough."
"Look if you want us out or Freya wants us out just say and we'll go, it's not a problem."
Matt shook his head, "They're going to need each other more than they'll need us over the next few months."
The front door opened and Freya came into the kitchen.
"Where's Merlin?"
"Toilet," Freya said, "Are those hot chocolates you're making?"
"Absolutely."
The four adults sat in the living room to sip on their drinks and catch up.
"Are you coming to work tomorrow?"
"Not tomorrow, no," Arthur said, "Do you need us to watch the girls?"
"No, they'll be going to playgroup. Just take the day to chill. We'll leave keys, you can go for a walk."
"Thanks. Do you mind if we have an early night?"
"Of course. The bed's all made up and everything."
"Thanks," Arthur stood up and pulled Merlin up too.
They said their goodnights and headed upstairs, creeping past the twins' room so as not to disturb them. After getting ready for bed and going through the bathroom, they got into bed together and cuddled up.
"I still don't understand how you grew up in this house with only one bathroom," Arthur groaned.
"You say that every time we come here."
"And then you always say that there's a toilet downstairs so technically it's two bathrooms."
"And then you say that a bathroom needs at bath so the downstairs toilet doesn't count."
"And you say that it does."
"Then you say that two toilets still isn't enough for five people."
"Cue your lecture about how only you, your mum and your dad ever really needed to use bathrooms alone when five people lived there. And when children are growing up they have no sense of privacy so who cares if all three of you were having a bath together."
"Exactly," Merlin kissed him, "Not all of us are blessed with rich fathers who can provide them with ten bathrooms each and butlers to wash your hair for you."
"I did not have ten bathrooms to myself!" Arthur protested.
Merlin smiled a bit. He never smiled properly anymore. "I had a good childhood," he said thoughtfully, "Even once dad had gone. We all looked out for each other. Some people don't have that. Abusive parents, no parents but abusive carers, living in rough parts of a city, no money to buy decent meals, no one to look out for them. I had a mother who loved me more than should be possible, we lived in a beautiful house with loads of space to explore and run around, we had money, mum cooked for us three times a day, we had Gaius, friends from school like Lancelot. Not having a dad around did make growing up painful but in retrospect- we were lucky, weren't we?"
Arthur nodded and kissed Merlin's temple.
"I never used to tell her anything that happened to me. Will and Freya always came to me. I can still remember the shock I had when Freya told me she started her first period," he laughed, "Will would come running every time he grazed his knee on the playground at school or had a falling out with one of his friends. We never wanted to bother mum with it because she was under so much pressure caring for us as it was. So I'd buy all the plasters, all the wipes. I'd sneak bottles of calpol or boxes of paracetamol into the shopping baskets and then take them out the bags as soon as we got home so she never realised she'd even bought them."
"What did you do when Freya came to you about her period?" Arthur asked curiously.
"Took her in here, got her a blanket and sat her on the bed with a teddy bear. Then I got Will to run a bubble bath and ran to the store to buy her pads and chocolate. While she was in the bath, I did all her washing and changed her sheets."
Arthur smiled, "That's so sweet."
Merlin shook his head, "She's my sister and she was confused and embarrassed. What else could I have done, laugh at her?"
"How old were you?"
"Fifteen," Merlin guessed, "Somewhere around there."
"You're the most amazing person I've ever met, you know."
"My story did have a point," Merlin reminded himself with an embarrassed chuckle, "Erm. Yeah, there was point when I couldn't tell mum anything in fear of upsetting her. After the fire and Will's death, she had to know everything or she'd get upset. It was the complete opposite. I always used to tell Will and Freya that they could tell me anything because they were absolutely terrified that mum would vanish like dad had. I promised them I'd always be there to take on all their problems even if mum wasn't. But then, after Camelot, Freya was too scared to tell me things unless I couldn't take it and Will- well he didn't exactly have problems anymore. So now Freya and I are used to piling all our issues onto mum- the exact thing we tried to avoid doing for years. Mum knows everything.
"Freya and I have had Matt and you for years now. That's nothing compared to the lifetime we've had mum for, though. I guess that's the bad thing about having a wonderful childhood with a mother who loves you. Letting go of it is impossible."
Arthur hugged him tightly, "Things change. It's devastating and difficult and horrible. Things chanced for you when your dad left. They changed again when he died. And then when you moved to England, when you moved in with Will and Gwaine, when Camelot burned. I could go on forever Merls. A lot of those times were harder to deal with than others. But either you alone or us together have got through all of it. We can do this."
Merlin buried his head in Arthur's shoulder.
"Which was the hardest?" Arthur asked.
"What?"
"Which was the hardest change to get through?"
"Everything that happened at Camelot, easily. I lost a leg, I was in hospital for over half a year and in a coma for most of that time. When I woke up my brother was dead, my flat was gone, my job was gone. I was hurt, scared, confused, I wasn't with you yet. It was horrible."
"Do you think this will be harder than that was?"
"Arthur it took years to get through that."
"We still did, though, didn't we?"
"Eventually."
Arthur kissed him deeply, "I'm not going anywhere. Never ever."
"Good."
"You're up to seeing her tomorrow, then?"
"Of course."
Arthur smiled, "Ok." He yawned, "I'm pooped."
"You drove all day."
Arthur hummed and curled up against Merlin, "My head's pounding."
"Here," Merlin passed across a glass of water which Arthur took gratefully. "We can have a lie in tomorrow. Freya said she's happy just to leave us."
"I'm going to need one."
Merlin smiled, "Goodnight."
"Love you," Arthur pecked him.
"Love you more."