Day 43: Zed
(Note: This is probably the only chapter that I'll rate M considering the language used here)
Me: Okay, who's next?
Zed: Mmm, I love the smell of almost dead cheerleader in the morning! YAHOO!
Me: We're in for a wild ride today aren't we?
Lyra: I'll get the swear jar ready for this guy.
This is Zed, the first boss of Lollipop Chainsaw, the first of the Dark Purveyors you have to face, a zombie who is a punk rocker and boy does he know how to show his love for the genre. Him being the punk rocker purveyor is evident from his design, his loud tone of voice, his constant use of vulgar language, and of course his fight.
Zed: Welcome to skull fuck central!
In phase one, Zed will mainly run around the stage and try and hit you with his microphone, whether by thrusting it at Juliet or by performing a jump attack. He also has an attack where...well...do you remember the Arthur episode 'D.W's Name Game' where D.W imagines Arthur as a wizard who hurts people with the words that come out of his mouth? Yeah, imagine that but M Rated.
Zed: S-T-U-P-I-D C-O-O-Z-E!
Who ever said 'sticks and stones can break my bones, but words may never hurt me,' is either the world's biggest liar or they haven't met this guy.
Anyway, the first phase is easy enough. Just dodge his attacks and hit him after he misses, then perform a quick time event where you cut him in half! But don't think it's over that easily, he is a zombie after all.
Zed: (After putting himself back together) You think that hurts me? I just jizzed a little!
In phase two, Zed will summon towers of loudspeakers that he'll stand on in order to attack you. His attacks mainly consist of throwing waves of energy at you, which can also act as boomerangs so be on the lookout in case they come back around. What you need to do is destroy the speakers until Zed summons a giant loudspeaker to stand on, and you need to cut it down. But be careful as Zed will continue to attack you as you destroy it, whether by coming down and facing you head on or...
Zed: V-A-N-I-L-L-A S-L-U-T!
Zed: C-O-C-K S-U-C-K-E-R!
More yelling...
Just keep dodging out of the way of his attacks until the giant loudspeaker is destroyed, then cut the bastard in half again and...the fight is still not over!
Zed: Oh shit! That one...actually hurt a little, bitch!
And with that phase three begins.
This phase is essentially a more difficult version of phase one as he goes back to attacking you with his microphone, but his movements are much quicker, meaning you have to make your dodges more precise and time your attacks better. On top of that, Zed can also summon more energy waves like in phase two, but this time there's a quick time event where you must dodge them, and upon doing it correctly, the waves hit Zed instead, dazing him and giving you free range to beat the shit out of him.
Once all of Zed's health is gone, it's time to finish him off. The only thing separating you from victory is one more round of Zed's giant letter bullshit. Dodge this final attack, and Zed is defeated.
Zed: (After getting cut in half for the final time) Not cool! Fuuuuuuck! OH! OW! FUCK! I'm not done screaming yet! This really fucking hurts man!
Crazy, fast paced, fun, and a decent challenge, Zed does a good job setting the tone for Lollipop Chainsaw's future bosses and does an even better job being the game's first boss.
Me: Hey, Lyra, how much money do you think we got in Zed's swear jar.
Lyra: Enough to split a pizza between us. You in?
Me: Hell yeah! It's pizza time!